It's currently 5:11AM, and my alarm was set and first went off at 4:30 this morning. Which is the time I usually get up when I'm going to work.
But, it's not a work day. It's Saturday.
So, what the heck??
Well, apparently, getting up at 4:30AM isn't just for teachers who blog. It's also for mothers who have daughters that play volleyball.
That's right. I'm up at this ungodly hour because Peanut has a volleyball tournament this morning and we have to be there by 7:30AM. And it takes almost an hour to get to the high school where the tournament is taking place.
Not only did I have to go to work on a day when my kids all got to stay home, but I also get to spend my Saturday sitting in a gym. For around five hours. Fun, right? Sitting on those bleachers is usually painful enough after one volleyball game...not sure how I'm going to feel after sitting there that long.
While I'm cursing and stomping my foot like a spoiled little five year old about having to get up so early and spend my day watching volleyball, I'm also super relieved that I'm doing it. Well, not that I'm doing it... that Peanut is doing it. She definitely needs something to focus on today, and take her mind off of her recent heartbreak.
She spent the day with my mom, yesterday, and I received word while I was at work that she was doing much better. She hadn't slept much the night before, had been up early talking to me, but had then taken a shower and gotten some sleep. When she woke up, she was able to manage to eat and laugh a little.
That was how it was when I went to pick her up last night. In the car we talked, and she told me that she'd spoken to her best friend on and off all day, and that he had really helped her keep her mind off of stuff. She got a little tearful in the car, sharing some of the sweet words of encouragement her best friend had given.
It made me really think about how lucky she was to have such a good friend. Especially of the opposite sex. In fact, they had started out as really good friends and then tried a brief attempt at dating. It hadn't worked out that way, but they were lucky enough to rebuild their strong friendship after the fact..and he is now a very important person in her life. She shares everything with him, and he is the one person (besides me) that she can really count on. We had a long discussion about how much she appreciates him in her life, and that is important for her to know that she can have such a strong friendship with a boy and it not be anything more than said friendship.
One thing about her relationship with her recent boyfriend that she didn't like was the fact that he didn't like her being so friendly with an ex. It actually put a strain on Peanut's relationship with her best friend. And she told me that if she should decide to date again, it was her top priority that a new boyfriend would be OK with her best friend being a guy.
She's learning already. Using those mistakes and lessons from the past to move forward in the future. That's my girl. As long as it's not for a while.
On the way home, we had to make a stop at Walmart to buy stuff for her tournament today, as they are putting on a spread for the players, coaches, and bus drivers.... breakfast and lunch spread. Each player was responsible for buying a few items for that spread.
However, I did what any other person does when someone close to them is hurting...especially over a heartbreak. I bought Peanut a tub of ice-cream. She thought the cliche was humorous, and selected her ice-cream with the complete and utter intention of using it for what it was being bought for.
In fact, when we got home, I didn't even have a chance to get it in the freezer before she was preparing a bowl for herself.
The family all decided to sit down and watch a movie. Despite the fact that it was already after 9PM, and Peanut and I were getting up at the butt crack of dawn. Hubby had gone out and rented Epic. A family friendly, funny movie.
The movie was great, but neither Peanut nor Jelly made it through the entire thing before falling asleep. When the movie was almost over, I woke Peanut up to go to bed. She went, but as the movie was wrapping up, I heard a familiar sound coming from her bedroom: Crying.
I went in to Peanut and found her lying on her bed in tears. Being alone in her room had been hard, and the silence had just ripped the scab off her very thin scar she was starting to form.
I just decided to lay next to her and hold her. Let her let it out. Rub her head, make soothing sounds, and hope that it would help. Eventually, she just cried herself to sleep. In my arms.
I don't think it fair nor right that a 13 year old girl should be going through these kinds of emotions. She's so young, so fragile. To think that she's had her first experience at love gives me the heeby jeebies. But, then I know that I was in a similar situation when I was her age. Older than my years, more mature. When I gave myself to a relationship - either a friendship or a boyfriend - it was everything to me. And if I wasn't at the control seat at ending the relationship, it felt like my whole world was ripped out from under me.
Just like she feels right now.
I could tell her that she's too young to worry about stuff like this. I could tell her that she's going to have lots of boyfriends and just as many heartbreaks. I could tell her to just forget having a boyfriend altogether for a few years and focus on other aspects of her life...and I have... but it doesn't help the pain that's she's feeling right now.
Being a mother is tough. I know that. I've known that since the first day I became a mother. But, the tough parts came from nursing a sick child, watching them and helping them through losing sporting events, teaching them and nurturing them through difficult situations at school, to be tough but kind, to be fair, to play nice with others. Not mending broken hearts. That wasn't on the agenda. Not this early.
And that's why I'm glad that we'll be out today, with Peanut focusing on playing ball and being a part of a team. To know that her mother is in the stands cheering her on, rooting for her. The one person that will never turn her back away from her, deliberately hurt her, or ever make her feel alone.
That's something positive for me to focus on during all of this. That it has brought Peanut and I closer. We were already very close... but to know that I'm the one that she can cry to, cry on, cry with. Talk about anything and everything with. Knowing there is no judgement, no lectures, no harsh words. Just an ear for her to vent in to. A few words of advice. And lots and lots of love and support.
It's those things that make the toughness of being a mom worth it. My baby girl needs me, and I'm there. Period.
OK, time to get ready....