This morning's post was supposed to be about something different. I'd already decided what it would be about by yesterday afternoon. But, it's amazing how events unfold that set your whole day on to a different path, and end up in a place you just didn't expect to be.
I'm supposed to be leaving for work in a little over an hour. There shouldn't be a problem with that, because the kids were all supposed to be here. But, Peanut and Butter aren't here. Which means Jelly is here, and I can't leave her until Hubby gets home from work. And he was supposed to be home from work by now...but they decided he's not going to get off early after all, and won't get off until 7AM. I should already be on the road by then.
Hubby has come home early every night this week. It figures this would happen. After the night I had last night, I should have known this was going to happen.
When I got off work yesterday, I headed off to watch Peanut play volleyball. The minute I got to the gym, I knew something was wrong with her. She had that look in her eye that if she came to me and said anything, she'd burst in to tears.
I chalked it up to the possibility that the coach wasn't going to play her as often, or she wasn't playing her position... something to do with volleyball.
The game started, and man did her team play hard. They managed to get their first win of the season, and I couldn't be more proud of them. They did an amazing job, and Peanut played and made some amazing shots.
When it was time to leave, Peanut came to me and told me that she hadn't heard from her boyfriend all day, except for one text message "This is hard".
She was unsure what to think, and he hadn't responded to any of her texts back. So, she was a little upset. We decided to go and watch her best friend play football. He'd been begging for her to go and watch a game, so she figured it would help keep her mind off of boyfriend issues.
It wasn't until the drive home, after, that Peanut's boyfriend finally responded. They texted back and forth for a little while, but Peanut was becoming more and more upset by the messages she was receiving. He was being vague. He wasn't answering her questions directly. She started to realize that he might be hinting at the fact of breaking up.
We had to stop at Walmart on the way home, and while in the middle of an aisle, Peanut broke in to tears. Loud, panicked, sobs.
I knew what had happened.
I got her back to the car, and she decided to call her boyfriend. The drive home after that was heartbreaking. Listening to her reason with him. Begging him to change his mind. Asking why and not getting a response. Until he finally said his last goodbye...and she crumpled in to a heaping mess of heartbreak.
I will say, that having my child's heart broken as I'm driving down the road is one the hardest things I have ever been though.
When I got home, I jumped out of the car, sent the other two children in to the house, and held on to Peanut. I held on through her fighting me, yelling at me, pushing away from me....until she finally broke, and she collapsed in to my arms.
Here was my baby girl. Only 13 years old. She should NOT be feeling this way. She should NOT understand what heartbreak is. She should NOT have her heart broken.
But she was..did.
She had felt her first feelings of love, and had it ripped away from her...and was left to try and fathom what she did wrong, what she could have done differently, and how it was possible to feel so much hurt for losing a person.
All I could do was hold her. There were no words that would help. There was nothing I could do to fix it. I just had to let her let it all out...on me.
And I wasn't helping much. The hugging was definitely what she needed... but it didn't last long.
She started to pace back and forth stating it wasn't happening. It couldn't be. It was just a sick joke. He couldn't really hurt her this way - for no reason whatsoever.
Then anger came. He was and did do this to her. How could he do this? And the yelling just started fuming from her mouth.
Then came the bartering. She would do anything to get him back. If she could just see him, that would make it better. She needed to talk to him, tell him that she would change, she would make things better.
By this point, I knew that I was losing control of the situation. I knew of only one person that could possibly help in this situation. And I texted her best friend's mom, and asked her to have him call Peanut. And he did. Within two minutes.
I made her answer the phone, even though she didn't want to. And she then let out her frustrations on to her best friend. But, within a few minutes, she started to calm down. Whatever he was saying to her was working. Whatever he was saying was getting her to take a few deep breaths, slow the sobbing, and just talk it out.
And, then she was back with me. My Peanut. The normal, broken hearted, Peanut. The anger was gone. The bartering was gone. The denial was gone.
It was at that moment, the sadness sunk in.
We spent a little while longer outside, just talking. I managed to finally get her to stop crying...for the most part. I told her that a nice shower would help, but she asked if she could call my sister and talk to her for a while. I told her that would be fine.
I got on the phone and spoke with my mom at the same time. I expressed my own heartbreak for watching my poor, baby girl go through so much. I was still trying to wrap my head around the whole situation. Peanut has had a couple of boyfriends in the past couple of years. When I think of "boyfriends" of a pre-teen and early teenager, I don't associate this much hurt and anger. It's puppy love. Cute crushes. Quick relationships, and even quicker break-ups. But, it was obvious that my Peanut had definitely had strong feelings for him. They'd been dating for 3 months. He'd spent a lot of time at our house, her at his. Even though they lived so far apart, I had made sure to provide transportation to and from his town each and every weekend so they could spend some time together.
My mom made the suggestion that Peanut spend the night at her house - with my sister. Being that I was going to be gone today, she didn't think it a good idea for Peanut to be home without anyone to talk to. She needed someone...and my mom was right. It hurt to think that I couldn't be that person here for her, but I thought that my mom would definitely be a good back-up.
So, my mom took the drive over with my sister and picked up Peanut. But, then Butter decided he wanted to go and spend the weekend with my brother. Being that Hubby was supposed to be home by 5:30 this morning, it wasn't going to be an issue.
And that's where I am at this moment.
I woke up to a text message telling me that Hubby's work schedule had been changed and he wouldn't be getting off work until 7AM.
So, I now get to be late for work. And spend the day worrying about my baby girl.
To add fuel to the fire, Peanut has a volleyball tournament tomorrow. We have to be there by 7:30 in the morning. She has to face her friends, focus on playing....all with her mind off somewhere else.
This is tough. Being a mother. Trying to mend a wound that only time will heal.
I never expected this moment in her life to come so fast. I knew it would come, eventually. But not at 13. It's too young.
But, it's here. And she'll get through it. She's gone through 3 of the 5 stages of grieving: Denial. Anger. Bartering.
Now, it's just getting her through the stage of sadness...until she can hit acceptance. And move on.
It's going to be a long, tough day..that's for sure. But, then it's the weekend.