I had to come back. I had to share what just happened to me. It couldn't wait. I wanted to have these feelings that I'm feeling this very second while I'm writing.
So, after writing my post this morning - and answering all those questions. I read them a couple of times, and decided I needed to get out for that run. Once I was dressed and out there, I opted to do Couch 2 5K week 1 - the same thing I did last Sunday. I figured I'd do that and then walk back - again, like I did last week.
Well, after my 5 minute warm-up walk, I wasn't feeling it. I was dreading the moment the woman would come in to my ear and say "OK, it's time for your first 60 second run". And there she was. I did it - and was so relieved when the first 60 seconds were over. Then, I did the 90 second walk. My legs were hurting, I was hurting - and again, I dreaded the next 60 seconds. After that 60 seconds was up, I knew I was done. I knew I just didn't have it in me to continue the intervals. My legs felt so heavy. I just couldn't make them run - not today.
I stopped. I told myself I might as well just go back. Then, I realized, if I go back home - I would eat. No question about it. I'd feel defeated cause I couldn't make it through the run. I'd feel annoyed that I'd just given up - and then I'd drown my sorrows with whatever I could find to snack on. I couldn't go back. But I didn't feel like running.
I pulled my iPhone out of the holder, and looked at my playlist. There, at the bottom, was a playlist I hadn't used in a while. It's called "Study Music". It's what I used when I was in college to get me through writing papers - and trying to stay focused on doing my homework. It's a very eclectic mix - everything from Celtic instrumentals and Enya to the Rent Soundtrack to Breaking Benjamin and Collective Soul. I decided in that moment that this would be the playlist I needed. I turned it on, and just started walking.
I told myself that the walk wasn't for exercise. It was to break through the barriers I had going on in my head. I told myself I wasn't going to stop walking until whatever it was that was jamming up the wheels in my head was pushed free - so that I could start clearing my mind. I told myself I was going to focus on anything but the music playing, the scenery around me, and the breathing in and out of my lungs. I was putting myself in to a meditative state - and didn't even realize it.
The first song to come on was Breath by Collective Soul. I listened to the words, I walked to the beat. For the first half of my run, my ears were filled with upbeat - somewhat angry - tunes. Songs played about Agony. Heartache. Rough Times. It's like each song was speaking directly to me - and I had to listen to every word. With each song that played, I could feel my legs getting lighter...I could feel weight being lifted off of me. It's almost like each song was chiseling away at my heartache, my agony... and setting it free. Then, I just felt like I was ready to turn around. I had done what I needed to do.
Then, of course, I realized I had to get home. The songs that played on the way back were more mellow, relaxing. Again, it was like each song was intentionally selected for that moment. For me. All the way back, my legs felt more and more powerful. I watched the wind blow through the trees, I watched the birds fly over my head. I breathed in. I breathed out. I didn't think about anything - except how much better I was feeling with each and every step.
When I finally got to where I could see my house, I felt like I could do the whole thing over again. I felt so strong, lighter, empowered. I looked at my phone - and saw that I had gone 4.1 miles. That is the longest distance I've ever walked. Ever.
I can't even put in to words how amazing I feel at this very moment. The endorphins that are rushing through my system are intoxicating. I'm pretty sure I dumped so much trash along the side of the road - and I can actually feel how much lighter it's made me.
I realize, now, that all I did was meditate. I don't have to sit in a quiet room with my eyes closed. I can meditate while walking - moving. Meditation in Motion. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? I think I've made a new discovery - one that I like very much. I am making the decision that when I'm in the gym - I'll be exercising. But, Sunday mornings will now be my Meditation in Motion days. I'm giving up on the Couch 25K - for now. I have more important things to tend to. Like decluttering my mind... and letting go.
I have to go jump in the shower, now. I'm heading to my mom's this afternoon for a barbeque. I'm not stressing about what I'm going to eat. I'm not stressing about how I'll feel. All I'm feeling right now is victory. I burned 583 calories physically - but so much more mentally.
Call it an epiphany. Call it endorphins. Whatever the heck it is, I know that I've taken a solid step in taking back the control of my life. Meditation is the key - and it will help me just as much as logging my calories, and exercising. YA FREAKIN' WHO!
Till next time. ;)