Friday, March 23, 2012

Time for Some Reflection

Dear Diary...

I'm trying something a little different today. I'm writing my blog post on my new iPad. Hubby bought me a cool keyboard case to keep the iPad in - and so I'm trying it out. It basically turns the iPad in to a laptop. I like it, but I can't see it being a constant thing. I don't have access to my photos or signature on here.

Anywho, the trip to the zoo was a lot of fun yesterday. It rained a little - but not enough to spoil the day. The girls and I enjoyed walking around and it was a fun day out. We've decided to go back on Sunday with Butter and P-Momma. The weather is supposed to be much nicer on Sunday.

I've been trying my best to catch up on some blog posts. Even though I haven't really been doing a whole lot on this spring break, I've been reading a couple of books. That's cut in to my blog reading time. Although, the blogs I have had a chance to read have really made me think about a lot of things.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been feeling much better about myself. I've been curbing my emotional eating, I've found some techniques that help calm some stress, and I've been feeling a lot better. The detox I did last week still lingers, although I haven't been as diligent this week. I know that's because I'm at home. I haven't grazed or snacked - so that's a plus. I've slacked on my logging though.

I had a visit with the therapist on Monday. He was very impressed with the change in my demeanor. He noticed instantly that I was much more calm, and my stress level was much lower. He praised my efforts at trying the detox, trying to find emotional eating triggers, and using the chore chart with the kids - that helps decrease my stress. It felt weird to hear him praise me. I always expect to hear "you have some major issues to work through", but that conversation didn't happen this week. I left the office, with Butter, feeling good - as did he.

I then had the oppotunity to reflect a little. What has changed that I all of a sudden feel so much better about myself? The rest has probably done a lot of good. I know the detox really helped. Being able to spend some time with my family. All factors in my recent positive attitude. Of course, I now have this swelling feeling in the pit of my stomach that something bad is going to happen. Don't ask me why, but anytime I feel good - something bad is right around the corner. I try to step lightly around my good feelings. I don't want anything to happen that will cause all of my hard work to crash down around me. I'm not sure why I always feel this way. For some reason, I often doubt that I'm worthy of feeling so good - which inevitably brings about a sting of stress. This time, I'm trying to stay optimistic. Maybe I do deserve to feel this good - and I can continue to stay on my happy course without being derailed.

Something is messing with my head, though. I can feel it. When I lay down to go to sleep at night, my mind is unable to shut down. I can't pinpoint the exact cause, but something's in there. Something's swirling around, causing me to worry. I think it has something to do with a phone conversation I had last week. Not going in to specifics, I had a phone conversation with a woman who needed to ask me some questions about my life. The call is something I do every six months, and usually don't think much of it. This time, however, was different. There was a tone in her voice that was on the verge of judgmental. I felt like I was on trial. I felt like she didn't believe the answers I was giving her. I've had the uneasy feeling in my stomach ever since.

I don't know why I let this woman get to me so much. She doesn't know me. How could she judge me without ever having met me? But, that's the million dollar question, isn't it. People can judge you no matter what. I don't like the feeling it's left in my stomach. I only hope that the result of the call isn't the bad thing that I'm so worried about happening.

I know I'm being very cryptic. I apologize. While I display that my life is an open book, there are some things I need to keep to myself. This is one of those occasions. But, as cryptic as it is - I'm writing about it because I hope it helps. I hate the churning that takes place due to uncertainty. I just want it to go away.

OK, enough with all that. I'm making myself feel worse - not better. This is my last weekend of spring break. It's gone by way too fast. Although the next few days are going to be very busy. Tonight, my mom and I are going to play bingo. It's her birthday tomorrow - so it's our way of celebrating. Then, tomorrow night is my mom's birthday dinner. The time the whole family gets together. Sunday, we're going back to the zoo. I don't know why I make so many plans the weekend before going back to work. It means I'll be tired come Monday morning. But, oh well. I deserve some fun. My spring break can't be all about reading and laying on the couch.

I'm going to leave it at that today. I need to clean my house. I need to try and swallow the uneasy feeling I keep feeling in my stomach and not let it interfere with the remainder of my break.

Till next time. ;)

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