Learning How to Say No

I have a problem.  An addiction, if you will.  An addiction I've tried to get help for, a problem I've tried to overcome... but no matter how far I get in breaking the hold this addiction has on me, I always seem to relapse.  

I am addicted to volunteering.

I know I've written about this problem before.  I've written about how happy volunteering makes me, and I've written about how stressed volunteering makes me.  And, in all the time I've been dealing with this problem, I've realized that I don't have to be on one side or the other I just have to learn a very important word:  Moderation.

It's a word I'm not very good at using, or practicing.  I mean, hello, I'm an overweight woman who's been trying for years to lose weight.  Apparently, the word moderation is a word I struggle with otherwise I would have kept all the weight off that I've lost so many times.  But, just like I give up on watching how to eat moderately, I also give up on being moderate with saying the word "yes".  As much as I hate to, I MUST start learning how to say the word "NO!"

It's just so hard.  My kids are involved in all kinds of activities.  Activities that require parent participation.  Unfortunately, though, not all parents will or are able to volunteer for the various needs the groups need.  I can be sitting at a meeting, surrounded by other parents, and all I have to do is hear the words "Who's willing to...." and my hand shoots up before I even have a chance to hear what I'm volunteering for.  The same can be said at work.  If there's a committee being formed or volunteers needed for some special project, I find myself volunteering to help before I even think about how much time it will take, if there's any good reason why I need to volunteer, or if I'm even able to do it.  

Some of my willingness comes from a desire to want to help, and the other half comes from being able to stand there when it's all said and done and feel great that I was involved.  But, there's often a huge undertaking attached to my volunteering that I don't consider, and then I end up wondering why on earth I volunteered in the first place and then get all downhearted that I can't spend time with my family or I have so many things going on at once that I'm exhausted and burnt out.

But, I will say that I've come along way.  A few years ago, I was the person that had so many things going on at once, my head was a constant spinning mess.  Each and every evening I had some kind of organization or meeting or activity that I needed to go to because I had so many things going on at once.  I tutored, I was involved with two different sports the kids were participating in, I was involved in school organizations, and it got to the point where I didn't get home a single evening before 7PM, and I was even gone many weekends due to some of the stuff I had committed to.  After that year, I made the vow to take a step back and limit the amount of activities I participated in.  And, for the most part, I've kept that promise to myself.  

This year, I knew I'd be back in the saddle of taking on a lot.  I mean, I made the decision to go back to school to get my Masters, so I knew that would take a big chunk out of my free time.  Then, Butter plays football, Peanut is in debate and show choir, and then there's my normal teacher duties.  Yet, at the beginning of this year, I told myself that saying no would be OK.  I could still be active in my kids' activities without actually having to be active in my kids' activities.  Showing up, supporting them, buying stuff they were selling, and attending meetings when I needed to would be enough.  

What I hadn't expected, nor I've ever encountered before, is being volunteered for something without being consulted first.  That was a new one for me.  And, instead of saying "Wait a minute, I didn't agree to that", I just went along with it.  Because I didn't want to let anyone down.

That would be these U of A concession stand games.  

I did NOT volunteer to attend EVERY. SINGLE. GAME.  I vividly remember sitting at a booster meeting and being asked if I'd be willing to work A COUPLE of the games.  To that, I agreed to.  But, all of them? No.  I did not.  But, Peanut came home from school one day telling me that I'd been appointed as the parent coordinator for that specific fundraiser, and that meant going to every game.  

Now, here's where my problem lies.  

There are over 100 children in the choirs at Peanut's school.  That equates to 100 sets of parents and caregivers, and 100 children that are old enough to help out.  Yet, the choir is lucky to get 3 or 4 parents signed up for each of the games.  There are six games the choir committed to running the concession stand for.  My math tells me that six times four is  24.  Oh wait, I'm one of those parents (who is supposed to go each time).  So, six times three is 18.  That's less than a third of the parents.  

There are other fundraiser opportunities.  The choir runs a concession stand at the high school football games.  Parents can sign up for that, or they can donate baked goods and items to that fundraiser.  And, the requirement to work at one of those games is one quarter.  One quarter of the game the parents can help out in that concession stand.  Now, why couldn't that be one I was volunteered for?  Nope.  Instead, I get to spend 10 hours for six Saturdays working my behind off.  Where is the fairness in that?

Will my child get any more credit towards the items that have to be purchased for her than the kids whose parents worked a quarter of a home football game or the kids whose parents don't participate at all in any fundraiser opportunities?  Nope.  At the end of all the fundraising efforts, that money will be equally divided among all the needs of the choir.  No child will be given any more money than any other kid.  Once again, not really sure I see the fairness in that.  

I arrived at the concession stand at 1PM yesterday afternoon, and didn't leave until after 10:30PM.  The last time we went in at 10AM and didn't leave until 8PM.  So, in two games, I've already put in almost 20 hours, and I still have four more games that I'm supposed to work.  While other parents can work 15-30 minutes at the home football games.  Urm....not seeing the scales balance out at all on that one.  

Had I sat down in that first meeting and been given the option to volunteer to work off Peanut's share of the funds she'll need for show choir or just write a check for her portion... I would have probably said "Here's a check".  I wouldn't have bat an eye or lost any sleep over handing over the money they needed to buy Peanut's costumes or pay for whatever it is that she needs the money for.  And, I know that there are several other parents that would have gladly done the same.  

I know that there are parents that can't afford to do that. But, instead of having the parents who can afford to do that work all the fundraisers to pay for the kids who can't afford it, it should be an option.  Either/ or.  You either pay your portion up front, or you volunteer to work off your portion with all of the fundraisers.  It's just so unfair that the same parents are the ones you see working all the fundraisers, and they are usually the parents who would opt to pay their portion.

It makes me kinda angry, can you tell?

It just upsets me.  I don't mind pulling my weight, I don't mind helping out, I don't mind volunteering my time for a good cause.  But, I also don't want to spend several of my weekends away from my kids, away from my family obligations, and giving up the only slither of free time I get between school, college, and other activities I have going on.  

What it has done is left a bad taste in my mouth for volunteering, and that makes me sad.  I love helping out, I love doing what I can when I can do it, but I don't like being taken advantage of.  And that's how I feel right now.  I feel like I'm totally being taken advantage of, and that's not right.

So, I'm going to try and figure out the best solution to this little problem.  I'm going to discuss this problem at the next booster meeting and voice my opinion on the whole ordeal.  I know one thing, though.  It's time for other people to step up to the plate and take some of the load off of me.  I just can't do it anymore.  I have other things I need to do, and I don't want to spend any more Sundays feeling completely overwhelmed by how much I need to do in such a small amount of time.

I'm going to start using the word NO... loud and clearly.

Have a great Sunday, everyone!

Secrets Can Be So Much Fun!

                            

At work, I participate in the Secret Pal program.  I think I've mentioned that a few times before.  I LOVE doing the Secret Pal program...because, let's face it, who doesn't like receiving little gifts throughout the year?  This year is my 4th run at having a secret pal.  I had one my first year, two last year, and now one up until Christmas.  

My first secret pal was AMAZING.  She bought me such cool stuff, and always put a smile on my face.  I vividly remember arriving to school one morning to find a Thirty-One bag hanging on my classroom door, filled with crochet goodies.  I literally broke in to tears at the sight of it.  Not only do I LOVE Thirty-One bags, but it was the EXACT bag I'd been keeping my eye on for owning one day.  It's now the bag I'm seen toting to and from school each and every day.  The rest of the year was filled with other amazing gifts, snacks, smell-goods, and knick-knacks that always arrived at the perfect time.  I found out at the end of the year that my secret pal was the school nurse, who also coordinates the program. And, she does an outstanding job at it.

My second year, I also had two more AMAZING secret pals.  Quite often I'd come to work and find my favorite candy bars and drinks sitting on my desk with a note, or a little ornament displaying a thoughtful quote, and I always wondered how I'd always receive that perfect gift whenever I was having a bad day or needed some inspiration.  She turned many a frown upside down.  I'd be struggling with something one day, and the next day BAM..there was something waiting on me that would remind me that everything would be OK, and that I could handle anything thrown my way.  I often wondered who it was that had such insight in to my moods.  Then, at the end of the semester, it all became clear when I found out that my secret pal was my co-teacher.  She'd spent every day with me, so she knew my moods better than anybody.  She kept it from me very well, and I didn't find out until the very end.  I was so thankful when it all came out, and we laughed about how many times she'd listened to me brag about my secret pal being so awesome when it'd been her all along.    

After Christmas, I got a new secret pal.. and bless her, she wasn't quite as good at hiding it as my two former pals.  Within the first couple of weeks, she let it slip when I mentioned purple being one of my favorite colors and that I hadn't written that on my "form".  Thankfully, I was able to play off like I hadn't noticed her slip up, and let her continue showering me with surprises and smiles.  The thing I love about her is her quirkiness.  I got some of the cutest stuff from her, that I would never even think I'd like until I actually owned it.  I remember walking down the hall one morning and my not-so-secret pal letting me know that I had a gift waiting for me in the lounge.  When I walked in, I saw a basket full of chocolate bars, giant marshmallows, graham crackers, and a bowling ball.  My first thought was "What on earth will I do with a bowling ball?"  After further inspection, I realized the bowling ball had been turned in to a giant ladybug, and was a very cute ornament for my garden.  I just had to love her creativity.  

This year, I have been blessed with my 4th AMAZING secret pal.  We've only been in school for five weeks, and I already know that I have been very blessed with whoever drew my name.  On the first day of school, I had a little care package of nuts and snacks waiting for me.  But this week, I have been in awe at the creativity and thoughtfulness that has been waiting for me EVERY DAY! 

This week was spirit week...homecoming week.  Every day the district participated in a themed dress up day.  And, to go along with each theme, I've received a little gift to compliment them.  On Monday, it was Neon Day.  I received a small bag with Neon colored cards, and inside a bottle of bright nail polish and some neon pink earrings.  Then, day two was Hippie vs. Hillbilly.  I received the cutest Volkswagen Bug toy filled with candy and a Dr. Pepper.  Wednesday was Disney Day, and I found an adorable Mickey Mouse box filled with my favorite snacks inside.  Thursday was Western Day, and my gift was wrapped in a bandana.  It was a bag of Old Fashioned Root Beer candy.  I am not a fan of root beer, but it sure was awesome to be able to share them with my class.  And the gift was fitting for the day.  Which brings us to yesterday, which was Mustang Pride Day.  I arrive at school to find a paper bag with my name on it, and when I opened it up... I kid you not... I squealed with delight when I saw what was waiting for me.

Driving to work that very morning, I had made a comment on how I wished I had a Mustang hat to wear with my Mustang gear.  I've got TONS of Mustang shirts, but I really wanted a hat.  Low and behold, what is waiting for me in that bag?  A Mustang visor.  And that wasn't the only thing waiting for me, but I also had two skeins of red and black (same thread with the two colors combined) yarn.  The perfect yarn to make an awesome Mustang scarf.  Like I said, I literally squealed in delight.  I was so excited.  I spent the entire day showing off my new visor to everybody and anybody that would give me  a second to brag about it.  

I know that my visor will get PLENTY of use, and I'll be wearing it at every football game I attend... and any other Mustang event where I can show it off.  

Oh well, I guess I better wrap up this post and think about getting ready for my day.  I wrote about how happy my secret pals make me, because I'm not happy about the way I have to spend today.  I figured if I think good thoughts, I'll feel much better about today.  

Today, I get to spend another long, grueling twelve hours or so working at the U of A concession stand.  It's a long, tiring day and I really hate having to give up my entire Saturday when I have so much to do.  I know that if I didn't have to keep doing it, I wouldn't feel so frustrated about it... but this is my second, and I still have four more weeks I've been committed for.  It wouldn't be so bad if I was working on weekends that didn't have to coincide with projects going on for college.  I just get to feeling so overwhelmed when I spend so many hours away from home during the week, and I can't spend very much time at home.  I promised my kids this wouldn't happen when I went back to school, that I'd spend the weekends (at least one of the days) with them.  But, on these concession stand weekends I have to spend all day gone, and then Sunday I need to try and work on homework, school work, house work, and trying to fit time in with the kids.

It's frustrating.  And I don't like to be a quitter, but I may have to excuse myself from this obligation before it ends up making me stir crazy.  I'll do what I have to do today, but I can't keep doing this.  It's not fair to me to even have this type of responsibility, it's not fair on my kids, and it's not fair on the work that's getting neglected because of it.  Sure, I want to help raise money for my kid's organization, but I think working a couple of games is plenty.  I shouldn't have to work all seven games. 

OK, enough whining.  This is supposed to be a happy post.  Time to go get ready.

Have a great Saturday, everyone!!

A Tough Talk About Parenting

                                  

I have often said that teaching is, hands down, one of the hardest jobs on the planet.  But do you know what job is even harder than teaching?  Being a parent.  My parenting helps my teaching, and my teaching helps my parenting, but both jobs are hard.  Very hard.  Except the latter doesn't come with any college courses, any form of degree, nor any experience required.  

I never have or ever will claim to be a perfect parent.  I make parenting mistakes all the time.  But, one thing I can say is that when I look at my kids, and see them for all the wonders that they bring to this world, I have to give myself a pat on the back.  They're also still alive, they're still healthy, they still have smiles on their faces, and they still love me.  So, I must be doing something right.  

Having three kids that are so different in personalities is a tough endeavor.  And, it also requires being three different parents rolled in to one.  I have often been criticized for parenting each of my kids differently.  There are many people who believe I should treat each of my kids exactly the same, give them the same freedoms, the same responsibilities, the same rewards, and the same consequences.

However, I have determined that a "one size fits all" way of parenting just doesn't work for me or my kids.

For example, if Peanut does something wrong, I know that the way to slam down the consequences is to take away her contact with her friends.  Grounding her.  Keeping her locked up and away from social gatherings and events.  Or, I could take away her cell phone.  That, also would bring on serious devastation and rethought to her actions.  On the other hand, if I ground Butter from those types of things, it wouldn't bother him a bit.  He's not the social butterfly that Peanut is, and wouldn't even notice that much of a change in his lifestyle if I took those things away from him.  I know that to hit him where it means the most is his PS3.  That's his way of enjoying his free time.  Jelly, once again, wouldn't notice a bit if I "grounded" her or took away any electronic devices, but if I sent her to her room for a small amount of time, the child would be devastated and would definitely rethink her behavior before acting up again.  Once again, in reverse, sending Peanut and Butter to their rooms would be like a reward rather than a consequence.  They enjoy spending time in their own rooms, so sending them there wouldn't cause a bit of bother to either of them.  

Each of my kids are unique in who they are, and how they need to be parented.  And, that's something I enjoy and embrace.  Despite criticism from others, I don't think I'm doing such a bad job.  

My oldest daughter is one of the most level headed people I know.  She is only 14, but far beyond her years.  She's smart, funny, opinionated and a born leader.  She's independent and doesn't require approval from anyone.  She is a loyal friend, but an honest one.  She won't think twice about giving her honest answer to a question, even if she knows it's not really what the person wants to hear.  She is a social butterfly that stays actively involved in many clubs and organizations because of the contact it gives her with others.  

Butter is impulsive, often acts before he thinks about what he's doing.  He is so sweet, kind, and loving, and craves acceptance.  He is often loyal to a fault, and will often do stuff he knows he shouldn't because in his mind, it will earn him points with people he's trying to impress.  He has overcome some of the hardest obstacles any kid should ever have to overcome, yet he chooses to keep those obstacles private because he doesn't want people to think less of him.  He tries so hard to fit in, and sometimes tries a little too hard at it.  Yet, he's filled with so much potential, has made so many gains, and truly is a wonderful kid.  When given the right motivation, he'd lay his life down to please and feels like he's won the lottery with the smallest amount of praise.  

Jelly is a mixture of them both.  She's hard headed, independent, and super loving.  However, she'd much rather spend time with her stuffed animals and real animals than large crowds of kids.  She is neither a follower or a leader.  She is the kind of kid that has the attitude of taking her or leaving her.  She's perfectly content with playing with a different person each day, and if someone gets upset with her she has the attitude that they'll get over it.  She's not begging for forgiveness or following anyone around to earn their approval.  She also doesn't got out of her way to make new friends, but can sit on the sidelines waiting for someone to come to her.  When she does make a special friend, however, they are treated with fairness and kindness.  If she has a snack, they must also have a snack.  If I give her money for ice-cream, her friend must also have money for an ice-cream.  If she doesn't want to play outside, she will if it will make her friend happy...as long as they agree to do something she wants to do after.  And, at the end of the day, she loves me and can't go to bed unless I tuck her in and kiss her goodnight.  

I absolutely adore and am so proud of each of my children.  I look at their strengths and give myself a pat on the back, knowing I have somehow helped mold them in to who they are.  I look at their weaknesses and give myself a pat on the back, knowing that I have somehow molded those things.. along with the ability for them to face and embrace them.

My kids are all individual beings.  They have their own personalities, their own likes and dislikes, and their own views on the world.  How those things all came to be so different is beyond me, but something I'm quite happy and proud of.  I know that at the root of it all, I haven't been too bad of a parent.

In the car ride home, last night, the kids and I were having this very discussion.  Well, we were discussing my parenting style.  Peanut was telling me how thankful she was that I gave her freedom to make mistakes and learn from them, but did so being actively involved in her life.  She feels comfortable talking to me, and thanked me for being the type of mom she could come to with problems knowing that I won't go all crazy on her.  She appreciates the open line of communication we have, and knows that I keep myself in her life but at a comfortable distance for her to make her own decisions and learn with the way they play out.

Hearing those words meant a lot to me.  I explained my philosophy on parenting with a comparison to dogs.  Not something I should have done when talking about my kids, but they got the picture.

The way I look at it is I keep my kids on an extension leash.  I let them roam out far enough to feel like they're running free, but still holding on to one end of the leash.  There are some parents that have their kids in a choke collar, and some parents who let their kids roam around without any form of leash.  I see myself as being in the middle.  I'll only let my kids off far enough until I need to tug back a little.  That means I'll let them make some mistakes, I won't control their lives, and I'll try not to interfere too much with their freedom.  However, if I see something coming in the distance that could cause harm, I know it's time to pull the leash back in and keep them closer to me.

Instead of parenting with the motto "Do as I say, not as I do", I keep in mind that I was a kid once, and I made mistakes.  I had to learn from them, and each one of my mistakes made me who I am today.  Now, there are some mistakes that I'd rather my kids didn't have to go through, but I attribute a lot of my downfalls to being cut off with a choke collar when a choke collar wasn't warranted... and then me desperately flailing around until the collar came off completely.

By that I mean, for most of my life I was given a pretty long leash.  I was very much like Peanut growing up.  Then, for no reason whatsoever (except the fact that I was getting older, so the possibilities of trouble could come my way) I was placed on a very short leash.  My freedom was taken away from me, the trust I had earned was often questioned for no reason, and I started to feel trapped after spending so long with a big, open place to run.  So, my natural instinct was to rebel.  I don't want to do the same to my kids.  

I want my kids to know that no matter how many times they fall, I'll be there to pick them up.  I can't fight their battles for them, or fix all of their problems.  But, I will always be there to support them.  I will stand by them.  I will defend them.  And I will always love them... always and forever.

My kids are my everything.  How I parent them is my decision, and I don't think I'm doing that bad of a job.  Others have their opinions, and their right to disagree... but my kids will always be able to count on me watching their every move, even from afar.  I stay involved, I stay informed, and I stay on the sidelines.  I only sub in when I need to.  It works for us, and I have full faith that each of my kids are destined for greatness.  

I am so blessed to be the parent to my three amazing children.  They teach me just as much as I teach them.  And each day, I give thanks for them.  

Being a parent may be one of the hardest jobs on the planet, but it's also one of the most rewarding.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Have a great Friday, everyone!!

Time to Suck it Up!

Yesterday was a REALLY rough day.  Not because of anything going on at work, but because I felt like total crud ALL.  DAY.  LONG.  I had to wear my coat all day because I was absolutely freezing, and couldn't get warm.  I felt queasy, and couldn't eat anything.  And, I was tired...so tired.  

My kids were so good to me, though.  They knew I wasn't feeling good, so they worked so hard and tried so hard to make me feel better.  Those kiddos sure do know how to make a woman feel loved.  I could have called in and stayed in bed all day, but I didn't.  I hate missing work, I hate being gone, and I don't feel sick very often.  Even though I probably shouldn't go to work when I'm feeling a little under the weather, I love the fact that I when I do decide to go to work feeling a little "off", my kiddos know exactly what to do to make sure I feel as good as I possibly can.  Thankfully, I got through the day, I got through my college class, and I was able to come home and go straight to bed.  

This morning, I feel MUCH better.  

I woke up with the queasy feeling gone, I'm not cold, and I feel rested.  I'm ready to tackle my day and bounce back to my usual self.  And I don't know why, but after going through a day where I'm not 100%, I want to come back the next day with my A-Game and really tackle any troubles I've been having.

Case in point for today?  The interventions.

I received a few words of encouragement by way of a comment left on yesterday's blog.  Even though the comment was left anonymously, I know who wrote it.  And, when I read it, I couldn't help but agree.  She's absolutely right.  I do need to "suck it up".  I have whined and complained for the past three years about filling the gaps these kiddos have, and have been looking for ways to do exactly that.  For the past couple of days, I have been acting like a little whiney baby.  I can't keep my own kids?  Wahhh!!  I'm not sure exactly what these kids need?  Wahhh!  I'm a little confused by what I'm supposed to be doing?  Wahhh!!!

What I need to do is forget all that, and trust myself.  Or follow the wise words given to me by a very wise woman:  Suck it up!!

If I know one thing about myself it's this: I do what I do, and I'm darned good at it.  No matter which kids I have in my room, regardless of what I'm expected to do, I always tend to bend the lines just a little and follow my gut.  I am not, nor have I ever been a follower.  I'm a leader.  I do what I feel is right, and go with it.  

I think one of my biggest obstacles with the new intervention time is the fact that I'm confused on what I'm supposed to be doing.  I've been listening to several people say "Here, try this" and "Here's another packet of stuff, try that", and that's just not how I roll.  I don't like being told what to do, in all honesty.  I like to get creative, I like to march to the beat of my own drum, and I adapt and adjust when I need to.  I have the perfect opportunity with this time to get creative, hone in on the needs these kids have, and bridge the gaps that I have so desperately wanted to fill.  I may not yet know exactly what the kids need, but a little creativity and practice and I'll figure it out.  

One thing I pride myself on is breaking away from the "conventions" and doing what I feel is best for my students.  I don't always like being the odd one out, but I'm willing to take a few risks and try new things if I truly believe there's reason to.  One example of that is my reading time.  I don't teach what the rest of my team teaches during reading.  They use the text book to teach reading. While I don't disagree with their use of the text book, and see no problem with using the text book... it just wasn't up my alley.  I vividly remember my love of reading coming from reading actual novels.  In 4th grade, I was reading books like Charlotte's Web, so I decided that's the book my kiddos will read and work with. 

Is my way of teaching reading any better than my team's?  Certainly not.  Am I still teaching the same skills?  Yep.  Do I have kids that technically read on a 2nd grade level reading chapters from a book that's written on a 4th grade level?  Yes I do.  And they are loving every minute of it.  We read, we discuss, they answer questions, they write about their reading, and they are able to provide opinions, draw conclusions, make inferences, and make predictions.  

What I realized, after seeing my words of encouragement, is that I should be doing the same kind of stuff with my intervention kids.  I am a firm believer that kids learn to read by actually reading.  The skills are all important, but they are a lot more meaningful when they are applied to a purpose.  So, what I should be doing during the reading intervention time is reading groups.  Working on vocabulary, fluency, and comprehension while they actually read.

The same can be said for math.  Instead of trying to improve on the skills we're currently learning, I need to take a step back and see where the gaps are.  One thing I have noticed since starting the interventions is the lack of number sense my kiddos have.  Several of my kids can't put up three fingers and know that there are three fingers being put up.  Or, they can't count on for a problem like 10 - 3, starting at the three and counting on to the ten.  Those are the skills I should be backing up to.. working with number sense, so that the rest of the skills come a lot easier.  They need help with basic math facts, the numbers that add together to make ten for example.  It's a challenge for these kids to look at 5+5, 6+4, or 7+3 and know they all equal 10.  THAT'S the kind of stuff I should be working on.  

And that's what I'm going to do.

I've realized, just this morning in fact, that doubting myself just isn't me.  And I also realized I wasn't so much doubting myself, I was doubting that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.  Well, instead of wondering if I'm doing the right things, I just need to do what I think is right.  Go with it.  I've been given this time for a reason, so I darned well better make the most of it.  

My first year teaching, I proved to myself that going with my gut can have pretty good payoffs.  I had a class that was all pretty low in terms of reading and math skills.  I made sure to hone in to the skills they needed, I broke away from what the rest of my team was doing in order to really focus on what those kids needed, and it came out very successful.  I've heard from their 5th grade teachers and their 6th grade teachers that those kids are performing very well, are much closer to grade level, and are able to think critically.  That's success, in my opinion.  

So, starting today, I'm going to Suck It Up.  I'm going to do what I do....and do it well.  I wholeheartedly believe that there's a reason I was passed over by so many principals, but given the opportunity to teach in the school I'm in now.  There's a reason, alright.  I needed to be with these kids.  I needed a place I could spread my wings, tackle any challenges thrown my way, and show these kiddos that they are amazing.  They can do anything and everything they set their minds to.

So, that's what I'm going to do.

Have a great Thursday, everyone!

Turning the Frown Upside Down

After writing yesterday's blog post, I decided that I was going to have a good day.  Regardless of what happened, I was going to make sure I stayed upbeat and positive.  And, for the most part, I accomplished that goal.  

I laughed, I joked around, and I kept the teaching fun.  The kids seemed to have a good time...and they even told me at the end of the day that I had done much better.  It's nice to hear that I got their approval.  As sarcastic as that may sound, I'm dead serious.  I want them to tell me that they enjoyed their day with me, and notice that I kept my word about being less cranky.

Of course, they shouldn't have to do that.  They should never have to notice a difference in my mood, but we can't be like Mary Poppins all the time.  Everyone has bad days, and then it's just important to turn it all around the next day.

Today, I plan on doing the same thing.  Just staying optimistic, have some fun, and not let too much get me down.  It doesn't help that I feel like crud this morning.  So, I will have to overcome that little hurdle.

For the past two days, there's been a bug sweep through our house.  First Jelly got it Monday night.  It lasted about four hours.  She had diarrhea and complained that her stomach was really hurting.  The next morning, she got up and she was completely fine.  However, Butter was not.  He woke up at 3AM yesterday and threw up and had diarrhea.  When it was time to leave for school, though, he was also better and said that the sick feeling had disappeared.  Last night, it was Peanut's and my turn. 

Poor Peanut.  She had it the worst.  When she arrived at my school yesterday afternoon, she had no color in her face.  She then threw up before we left to pick up Butter at football practice.  Then, she threw up again when we got to the high school to pick him up, and I had to pull over on the side of the road during the drive home because she had to throw up again.  It was terrible.  When we got home, I sent her straight to bed.  I've heard her get up a few times, and I'm hoping that she decides to stay home from school today, because surely she needs some rest.  

I also got slammed with it last night.  For four hours straight I was in the bathroom throwing up, and the cramps in my stomach were killing me.  I haven't been in that much pain in a long time.  But, just as quickly as it came, it disappeared.  I woke up this morning feeling much better, despite feeling a little weak.  That's probably because there's nothing left in my system.  

It's just the weirdest thing.  None of us have had any fever, it just comes and then it's gone.  But while it's here...Oh.Em.Gee, it's awful.  I just pray that we are all better, and can move past it.  I really hate going to work when I'm sick, but I don't really think I'm sick anymore.  I don't feel anything like I felt last night, so fingers crossed it really is gone. 

I am really tired, though.  Because I was up and down last night, I only got about three hours of sleep.  That's not much when I'm going to be gone until 10PM tonight.  It's my class day, so it will be a very long day.  

Well, I'm going to call it quits for today, go check on Peanut, and get ready for work.  

Have a great Wednesday, everyone!!

Feeling Just a Little Stressed

                          

After such a glorious weekend, I was really expecting to go back to work yesterday and feel totally in control and ready for the new challenges coming my way.  Unfortunately, that didn't happen, and I ended up coming home on the brink of tears and ready to pull my own hair out.

I hate feeling that way.

The first two weeks of school were absolutely wonderful.  I was skipping down the hallways with a goofy smile on my face, and I felt like nothing could bring me down.  I had a wonderful class, I was excited about the ideas I wanted to implement, and I had the perfect schedule.  

During the morning, I taught math, reading, language arts, and some social studies.  Then, we went to lunch, came back, and did some science.  Then it was recess time, back for a few minutes of read-a-loud, then my plan time.  Once the kids came back from specials, we still had an hour and fifteen minutes left of the day, and I used that time to go back over some of the reading or language arts, and we did some math practice stuff together.  It was awesome.  The kids had plenty of time to learn in the morning, and practice in the afternoon.

But, that all changed last week.

Our district has implemented a school-wide intervention time for the last hour and fifteen minutes of the day.  Which I knew about since day one, and why I spent the last part of the day going over the skills from the morning and really making sure my kiddos were getting the material that I had taught that morning.  I was preparing myself and them for the changes that were coming.  It also gave me time to pull some kids back to my table and work with them in small groups so that I could take it back a few steps if there were some gaps that needed to be filled.  I was excited about having that time of the day for that very thing.  

However, it all got a little jumbled and a little more stressful when we were given designated groups of kids that we'd be working with in the afternoons.  Now, the entire fourth grade (and each grade level respectively) breaks the entire grade up into groups, and each teacher gets a group of students to work with.  I was given 14 kids for reading and 18 kids for math.

At first I thought, no biggie.  I'll just do what I've been doing.  Going over the skills from the morning and letting them practice for a while.  The problem is, it hasn't gone like that at all.  

Before I go on, I want to take this opportunity to make it very clear that I'm not complaining about what's going on at work.  This isn't me bashing the idea, or fussing about the demands that have been put on us.  It's our job to make sure that our kiddos are getting everything they need.  I appreciate and understand this new idea is something for us to try to help bridge some of the gaps that our kiddos have, and help them gain and make improvements in the skills that they need to be successful.  And, in all fairness, I haven't given it a chance to determine whether or not it will be successful.  

But, with that said, I have to say that I am feeling the weight of the stresses that are coming with the concept.  Breaking up in to groups is tough because it takes time to get the kids organized, shuffled to where they need to be, and settled down enough to get them focused on what we're doing.  By the time I'm explained what we're doing, and how they'll be doing it, I have about 10 minutes of good instruction time left for them to complete whatever activities they need to do.  Then, it's time for them all to pack up again and shuffle on to their next group for math time.  Then, it's rinse and repeat with a new set of kiddos.  

I know that the shuffling and settling won't last forever.  The kids will get used to where they are going and what they're doing when they get there.  But right now, it's very stressful.  The kids are struggling with it, I'm struggling with it, and I want the time to be as productive as possible.. but what ends up happening is that I'm looking at the clock and trying to cram in as much as I can before the very short amount of time I have is gone.  Then, when it's all over, I have about five minutes with my home class before they are dismissed for the day, and I feel like I'm barking at them to make sure they have everything they need to go home, while answering questions and giving out information that they need before they're gone.

I honestly hate feeling so negative.  And that's how I'm feeling right now.  While I'm a proponent of change, and trying new things, I can't help but feel like I'm being pulled in a zillion different directions.  By the time the kids do leave me, I just want to put my head down on my desk and breath.  I feel exhausted.  And then the guilt sets in that I spent the last few minutes of my day with my kiddos barking orders.  I'm tired of saying "We don't have time" over and over again, and I don't want my kiddos going home with that being the last thing they hear from me.  

In a perfect world, I'd get to spend the year doing what we did the first two weeks.  Where I get to keep my kiddos and we can go over the morning's lessons, again.  It would a time where the kids that needed to practice could practice, those that were good with the morning's lesson would be able to play some fun learning games that help them practice previous concepts, and I'd be able to work with a group of kiddos that have been struggling or need some extra guidance one day, a group of kids that just need some practice another day, and a group that needs some challenge on another day.  I'd be able to differentiate my class based on their levels and adapt accordingly as the skills changed and their abilities changed.  It's quite possible that my "advanced kids" may not be so advanced during a certain skill, while my lower kids master something a lot quicker than I anticipated.  But, I could monitor and adjust weekly.  

And, I know that I can do all of those things with the kids that come to see me in my reading and math groups.  In fact, that's what I'm supposed to be doing.  But, I don't know these kids.  I don't see what they're doing in their home rooms, I'm not able to monitor and adjust based on their understanding... because until they're in my room doing what I've asked them to do, I won't know if it's something they need more practice with or not.

I don't know.  I know I sound like a whiney baby.  I understand that my administration has the kids' best interests at heart, and they're doing what they believe to be best for the kids.  This isn't about test scores or mandates or anything like that.  It's truly about doing what we can to ensure that our kids aren't getting left behind, or are being promoted without the skills they need to succeed in the next grade level.  I get that, and I support that.  I feel blessed that I work in a school district that does care so much about their students that they're willing to try new things in order to make sure the kids get the very best education possible.  

I knew my job would never be completely easy.  I knew that there would be some stress involved.  I knew that new ideas and concepts would constantly be coming our way.  

But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that life was a little simpler.  That I didn't feel so stressed or pulled in so many different directions.  I have and will always have my students' best interests as my top priority.  I show up every day wanting to make a difference and better the lives of each and every kiddo that walks in to my room.  And, I know I'm so stressed because I feel like I'm failing... that I'm not handling the situation well.  It's nobody's fault but my own.  I just have to figure out a way to adapt, change my approach, and do what I need to do to ensure that the time we are spending together is meaningful and beneficial.  

I know I'll work this all out... I know I'll get the hang of it.  But, in the meantime I just need to remind my students any chance I get that I love them, and even when I'm a little crabby... I want what's best for them.  

Here's to a new day, and a new outlook.  I'm going to strap on my big girl pants, and just do what I gotta do.  That's why I became a teacher.  And I better show everyone that I have faith in myself.  Because if I don't have faith in myself, how on earth will I convince my kiddos to believe in themselves?

Have a great Tuesday, everyone!

What a Great Weekend!

There aren't very many Monday mornings that I wake up and feel relaxed, refreshed, and ready to tackle my week.  That's usually because I've spent my weekend running here, there and everywhere or I've been up to my eyeballs in work.  But, that didn't happen this weekend.  The whole weekend was spent having fun, relaxing, and still getting mostly everything done that I needed to get done.

Friday night, I had a very early night.  I was exhausted.  What with not getting home from school until 9:30PM on Wednesday and not getting home from the football game until 10:30PM on Thursday, I needed some sleep.  I think I was asleep by 8PM, and I slept all the way through to 9AM on Saturday morning.

Saturday, we got the grocery shopping out of the way.  We made our bi-monthly trip to Sam's to stock up on the stuff we need.  Then we went to Walmart so that we could get the small stuff we don't buy in bulk.  We also had to pick up a pair of khakis for Butter, so he has them to wear on his football game days.  I needed a neon shirt for spirit week, so I picked up one while I was there, too.  

Saturday night, I had my awesome karaoke night.  Even though I didn't get home until really late, I was able to sleep in yesterday until after 10AM.  That felt nice.  I don't get to sleep in that late very often.

I got to take the kids over to see P-Momma, yesterday.  We had a lot to catch up on, and we had a great visit.  We shared everything that had been going on in our lives, and she was genuinely interested in hearing how I was doing, the kids were doing, and how life back to school had been for all of us. Even though we were there for several hours, it felt like no time at all.  I was sad when we had to leave, and so were the kids.  But, we had to get home for dinner and get ready for our week ahead.

Last night, I did the last bit of grading I needed to get done, entered the grades in to the system, and wrote out my week's lesson plans.  I got all that done and still managed to be in bed around 9:30.  Because I had slept so late that morning, I had a hard time going straight to sleep, so I watched a bit of TV and ended up drifting off pretty quickly.  

I got to sleep with the doors and windows open last night, and I always sleep so well when there's fresh air getting in.  It's raining at the moment, and it feels so nice outside.  There's a coolness to the air but not enough to require a blanket.  Nice sitting on the patio with my coffee weather, though.  

Now that the air is cooling down, P-Momma and I spoke about me starting up my crocheting again.  I'll hopefully do that pretty soon, to get a head start on making some winter apparel for people.  It's a little hard when I've got so much going on in the evenings, but I want to at least start getting my stuff out and seeing what I can come up with.  

It really was a great weekend.  The next few weekends won't be near as relaxing.  Next Saturday, I have another football game to work.  That will mean being gone practically all day and not getting home until really late.  That will be after a crazy, busy week.  Wednesday I have class, Thursday Butter has a football game, and Friday is homecoming.  All three will mean late nights home.  Saturday, Peanut and I will be up and out to spend the day at the University of Arkansas working in a concession stand for the football game, and probably won't get home until around midnight. So maybe, just maybe, I can sleep late on Sunday to try and catch up on some sleep before I spend all day doing grocery shopping, laundry, and getting in the work I need to get done.  

It makes me tired just thinking about it.  But, thankfully I had this weekend to relax and mentally prepare. 

This week is Spirit Week at school.  Today is Neon Day, and so we'll be dressing up in anything and everything neon.  I don't really own a lot of neon stuff, so I bought a neon yellow shirt this weekend.  Tomorrow is Hippie vs. Hillbilly day.  I don't own ANYTHING that would be considered "hillbilly", so I'm going to dig out my tie-dye dress, throw on a big headband, and call it hippie-like.  Wednesday, I have no idea what I'm going to do because it's Disney Day.  We're supposed to dress up like our favorite Disney character.  Being that my favorite is Simba, I'm not really sure I'll be able to pull that one off... but I'm sure I'll figure something out to dress up like a Disney character.  Thursday is Western Day, and I don't really have any Western clothes.  Once again, I'm gonna have to get creative.  Then, Friday is Spirit Day and we just have to deck ourselves out in our school colors.  Now, that one I can do cause I have TONS of school t-shirts.  I'm pretty sure I bought a Homecoming t-shirt, too, so I'll have that to wear at the game.

It'll be a fun week, I'm sure.  I have always enjoyed spirit weeks, but I do miss the simpler days of Crazy Hair, Crazy Socks, Mis-Matched Day, and other days that didn't require as much work in figuring out stuff to wear.  I much prefer the spirit themes that can be done with stuff I already own.  But, I do what I gotta do.  

Right now, what I gotta do is get ready for work.

Have an awesome Monday, everyone!!