Call Me a Loser All You Want! - Weigh In Time!

Dear Diary...

For pretty much the first time since the beginning of the year - and starting this journey over yet again - I was actually looking forward to this morning's weigh in.  You may need to read that again just to be sure I said what you actually thought I said.  It's true.  I knew this week was going to be different.  No last minute excuses, no last minute explanations as to why I'm expecting to see a gain - none of that. 

Before I actually get to the numbers, though, I do have something to admit to you.  I didn't get to go meet Patrick House last night (Season 10's Biggest Loser).  No, let me rephrase that - I didn't go to meet Patrick House last night.  After getting out of Butter's therapy session - that was after 5pm - I was exhausted.  That's a terrible excuse, one that I regretted while driving home.  THEN, I got home, and saw that Patrick had posted to his Facebook that he was in L.A. filming.  Come to find out, he had to put off his appearance at my gym for a week cause he's in L.A. filming an episode of Biggest Loser.  I didn't miss him after all - and you can bet I'll be there next week.  No excuses!

So.  Let's get to those numbers, shall we?

On my first weigh in of the year, I weighed 239.8lbs.  Since that time, I've gained.  A lot.  Last week, getting up to 244.4lbs,  I decided to ditch my old ways and go back to basics.  I logged all my food, I counted calories.  Did it make a difference?  You tell me.  This week I weighed in at...241.6lbs!!!  That's a loss of 2.8lbs!!!

I'm very happy with that number.  Even though I made a few changes this week, I still made a few bad choices and skipped a few work-outs.  My immediate reaction was to think about how much more I would have lost if I had stuck to all of my goals and worked out more and didn't partake in the two moments of weakness and eat junk food.

But, then I told myself I'm not going to do that.  Losing almost 3lbs in a week is something to be very proud of - despite any mistakes I made.  Mistakes mean I have room for improvement.  They will most likely happen every single week - but as long as I can still pull numbers as great as this?  I'll be just fine. 

This week has really given me a different outlook on the whole process.  I can't believe I was such a naysayer about logging my food - but the proof is in the pudding, right?  I gave it a week, and the results of my week show how important that tiny step is in this whole process.  Done are my days of saying it's not important to count calories.  I was in idiot - I'm OK to admit that.  Now, I'm a loser... and I couldn't be more happier about that!  I am also going to use my food logging on my Reward Jar.  For every week I log all of my food - every day - I now earn a $5 bonus!

Along with making the change to logging my food, I am also going to be making a very huge step towards doing something I never thought I'd do.  I am going to start getting some counseling.  I'll admit that I have been taking a bit of an advantage of Butter's therapist.  Well, yesterday, he point blank called me out on it.  He could tell I was struggling.  He could tell that I needed him - for my own reasons, not just Butter's.  As much as I've tried to think otherwise, I have a lot of demons in my closet that I can't just let go by myself.  Holding on to my past - as much as I keep telling myself I don't - is affecting my weight, the way I parent, and my life in general.

I've been struggling a lot since Butter came out of the hospital with stepping back in to the role of a dominant parent figure towards Butter.  I coddle him.  I kept telling myself that if I approached him with nothing but love, he'd never want to be that boy that got him put in the hospital ever again.  And then, I admitted to the therapist my biggest fear:  I never want Butter to turn out like his bio-father.  What I thought to be a nothing more than a concern turned out to be the statement the therapist had been waiting for me to admit:  My past is affecting me.  Until I can let go of the guilt and frustration and mental anguish that man from my past put on me - and what I fear will develop in my son - I will never be able to give Butter what he truly needs.  I am basically enabling Butter to do the very thing I'm scared of happening.  The only way to fix that is by facing the issues head on - and now I'll have a therapist to help me through it.

I know that the next few weeks are going to be very tough on me.  There are going to be some major changes in my house.  I was given a list of things to do this week by my therapist, and some of those things scare me.  Some of those things are going to upset Butter - big time.  But, everything he's asked me to do is necessary.  One of my hardest tasks is going to be making a list of the fears I've overcome and the fears I still have.  The therapist is going to help me with as many as he can.  He's going to help me face my fears, and give me the tools to let go of my past, let go of my guilt, and stop worrying about who Butter may become.

There are so many factors that can play on weight gain and loss.  I'm quickly realizing that it's not just about what I eat and whether or not I work-out.  In order for my body to let go of the junk, my mind has to also let go of the junk.  It's something I'm prepared to do.  No, it's something I want to do - more than anything.  Just getting rid of the weight won't be enough.  I've already learned that lesson.  It will just come back.  Until I can get rid of the junk that causes me to mindlessly eat and sit on the couch rather than work-out, I have no hope.  But, I do have hope.  And hope is going to get me through.

My goals for today:

• Log my food
• Drink lots of water
• Work out at the gym

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

Despite everything I'm about to say, I am pretty happy this week.  But, even on the good weeks, there's going to be some things that I need to get off my chest.  That's what I want my confessions to be for.  To just get things off my chest.  I don't know if there will ever come a time when I can write a blog post on Tuesday mornings and say "I have absolutely nothing to confess this week".  That would be nice, but as a very wonderful follower said yesterday in the comments, I'm striving for Progress, Not Perfection!

I confess that I have not been to the gym since last Tuesday.  Despite it being one of my goals Thursday and Friday.  Wednesday, I explained that in a post - and then I repeated the same stuff on Thursday and Friday.  I chose to go shoe shopping instead, even after shopping for shoes Wednesday afternoon.  Friday, I was just tired.

I confess that, even though it was one of my goals to go walking on Saturday, I didn't.  I chose to go get my hair cut, do grocery shopping, and return shoes I no longer wanted.  Sure, I walked around stores... but it's not the same.  That doesn't count.

I confess that I made myself go jogging/walking on Sunday.  When I got dressed, I deliberately put my work-out clothes on.  Even when I had decided to go play bingo, and realized that my jogging/walking my hinder that - I chose to take my chances.  The 2.85 miles I completed were tough.  Especially the first 30 minutes when I completed week one of C25K.  My calves were screaming at me the entire time - but I just kept hearing a voice scream "push passed the pain" and I did.  

I confess that I was not able to avoid the junk food at bingo on Sunday.  This is going to sound stupid, but, I deliberately didn't ask for extra cash when buying my bingo books - cause I knew I'd end up buying food.  Then, and here's the stupid part, while I was playing the first games I told myself that if I won I'd buy myself something to eat.  Guess what happened next?  I won.  My first win of the night - $37.  Enough to buy me some food.  Instead of getting a salad or a sandwich I went to my weakness - chicken strips and fries.  Even though I was still slightly under my calorie goal for the day (thank goodness to the 300 calories I earned for my 2.85 mile walk) I know that it has affected my weight this week.

I confess that I stood on the scale Friday, even though I don't usually step on the scale any other days but Tuesdays and Wednesdays.  Tuesdays because of my Biggest Loser weigh in at work, and Wednesdays for my official weigh in.  I wish I hadn't.  Because the number I saw then compared to the number I see now is significantly different.  The number on Friday was 2lbs less than what I saw this morning when getting a feel for what my BL weigh in would be like.  It goes to show that even staying under my calorie goal doesn't completely determine my loss.  Fried food is still fried food - and it's going to affect my numbers.

I confess that my "splurge" on Sunday wasn't the only splurge I had this week.  Friday night, Hubby and I took the kids to The Dixie Cafe for dinner.  I mentally told myself that I could have a "free night" because I had planned on doing some jogging/walking on Saturday and going to the gym on Sunday.  While I didn't make good choices with the food I ordered, I did stop eating when I was full.  That's a new thing for me.  I've been conditioned to eat what's on my plate - but Friday night, I just stopped when I reached the point of "fullness".  I'm sure that meal also has affected what I saw on the scale this morning - especially since I didn't hold up to the two days of exercise I'd planned on over the weekend.  I also believe it's one of the reasons I ate so little on Saturday - because I was trying to make up for the damage.  Lesson to be learned in that!

I confess that I have managed to go an entire week of logging my food and exercise in to My Fitness Pal.  That's a big deal, for me.  I've logged everything that went in to my mouth - good, bad, and ugly.  In those 7 days, I've only gone over my calorie goal 3 times - and it was by less than 300 calories each time.  I know that those 300 calories add up - but for my first week, I don't think it's too bad.

I confess that I'm so excited to get to meet Patrick House from the Biggest Loser this evening.  Even though I won't be able to work out - because of an appointment I have to take Butter to, just being able to say hi and maybe get a picture will be worth it.  He's been one of my most favorite Biggest Losers since watching the show - and I had the most success with my weight loss during his season. 

I confess that I didn't go to the gym, again, last night because of a doctor's appointment.  It was preplanned, though, so it's not like I skipped going.  This week will be kinda crazy, but I plan on getting my butt back on track with the gym on Wednesday. 

I confess that even though I feel like I had a pretty good week, it's obvious I still have a long way to go.  It's my goal this week to work on some of this stuff - and make sure it doesn't happen again.  It makes me wonder what my number on my scale would be like if I hadn't skipped the gym those few days.  It makes me wonder what the number would be if I hadn't eaten the junk I ate over the weekend.  There's only one way to find out - by not repeating the same mistakes.

So, that's it.  But, before I go, I have a favor to ask.  I am needing help for a friend.  Her name is Lacie.  She is a person I've worked with the past few months - and has grown to be a true friend.  She has a daughter, named Kenadee, who is 2.  Her daughter has mitochondrial disease.  It's a disease that affects Kenadee's entire body - both inside and out.  There's no way I could shed light on this family's heartfelt story - but I hope you would visit this link and read a little more about it.

Lacie, and her husband Dennis, want to take their precious angel to the beach.  It could very well be the only chance they have to do something like this.  I have never seen so much strength and love inside two people.  They devote their lives to giving Kenadee the best care, love, and support.  Lacie also spends 7 hours a day nurturing 25 third graders.  She is a true hero - and her husband deserves that badge of honor, too as he spends that time at home taking care of Kenadee.

I am trying to help Lacie and Dennis raise enough money to make their dreams come true - and take that trip to the beach.  If you can spare anything - $10, $20, more - and have a part in this, you have no idea how grateful I'd be.  I would also be forever grateful if you could share this story on your own blogs - and spread the word for me.  Please click here and help make their dreams come true!

Till next time. ;)

You Win Some, You Lose Some...

Dear Diary...

What an amazing weekend it's been.  It was a great combination of relaxation, activities, time with family, and time alone.  I learned a little about myself this weekend, too.

I learned that a little haircut and style can have a huge impact on the outside AND the inside.  With just a couple of inches cut off my hair, I feel like a different person.  I don't look in the mirror, now, and see a girl that has lost hope or is fighting a losing battle.  I see a woman that's determined.  I see a woman that doesn't have to live in sweat pants forever, or feel uncomfortable that her clothes are too tight - for much longer.  I see a woman that is going to start making some serious progress in the coming weeks.  She's in it to win it.

I learned that there are going to be occasions when just because I post my goals on here, doesn't necessarily mean I'll definitely complete all of them.  There may have been a couple of goals that I didn't get accomplished over the past couple of days - that I will divulge in tomorrow's confession post.  

Regardless, I learned that just because I don't complete a goal doesn't make me weak or a failure.  As long as I stick to the important stuff - logging, exercising, etc. - that a minor slip up can be overcome as long as I dust myself off immediately and don't just give up on the whole day.  

I learned that the past couple of weeks in the gym has definitely increased my stamina.  After a few failed attempts over the past couple of months, yesterday I completed the first week of Couch to 5K.  Again.  I did the whole program once before.  But, after almost a year of no exercise and mindless eating - I lost the ability to run more than a few seconds.  Yesterday, I was able to do 20 minutes of 60 jogs/ 90 second walk intervals.  A small step in the right direction to working back up to running 3 miles - but a huge milestone... being that a little over a month ago the first 60 second run caused me more pain than I want to admit.  

I learned that even though I still don't have the stamina to jog 3 miles, I can still walk it.  I finished 2.85 miles yesterday.  I would have gone the full 3 miles, but I apparently miscalculated the round trip and arrived back at home a little shy of my mark.  My pace was extremely slow (18min/mile) but I don't care one bit.  The fact that I just got out there and did it is a win in my books.

I learned that now that the weather is warmer, my plans to go to the gym on Sundays may have to be altered.  I may be ditching the gym on the weekends and focusing my efforts to Couch to 5K.  I can still get cardio and strength training at the gym in during the week - and then go for a jog on Saturday, Sunday, or both.

I learned that yelling "Bingo!" is a jolt of pure happiness.  It happened, again, yesterday.  Twice in fact.  I won an early game that earned me $37...and I was happy with that.  After my big win a couple of weeks ago, that was enough for me.  Then, the last game of the night came.  The game that I've wanted to win every since I started playing bingo years ago.  It's the Pick 8 game - in which you pick your own 8 numbers to play.  Well, the luck gods were definitely on my side yesterday...and I won the game I've waited 12 years to win.  It earned me $500!!  I'll be giving bingo a break, for a while, as I know when there's only so much luck a person can have.  The wins I've had in the last couple of weeks couldn't have come at a better time.  There's so much stuff that has been needing to be done, but the lack of funds has prevented it.  We've finally been able to get a few of those things done - and now have a couple more that we can check off the list.

I learned that even though I focus on telling myself over and over again that I won't eat fried food - I may still eat it.  Plugging my food in to My Fitness Pal yesterday was nerve wracking.  I had told myself that I would not eat the junk food provided at the bingo hall - and what do I do?  Yep.  I ate it.  You can't win 'em all.  Right?  

But, I also learned that I can eat some fried food - and still be under my calorie goal for the day.  That doesn't just wash the slate clean and give me a free pass.  I know that the sodium alone in the fried food will make me retain water which won't reflect well on the scale.  But, I used that moment of weakness as my main meal for the day - and made sure that everything else I ate was on point.  Leading to still being under my calorie goal by 400 calories.  

So, as you can see, I learned quite a bit this weekend.  I know that every day isn't going to be perfect.  That doesn't set the tone for who I am.  It was one of the reasons I didn't want to post goals in the first place.  I worried about what would happen, and what I'd feel like if I didn't complete all of them.  But you know what?  I feel OK.  I know I wasn't perfect and there's still lots of room for improvement.  I know I'm still learning.  After going at this process for as long as I have, I know that I'm going to be fighting battles of temptation, laziness, and defeat every single day.  I'll win some.  I'll lose some.  It doesn't mean I'll give up on the war.

This past week, compared to the last many weeks, has proven to be a good week.  By just tweaking a few things here and there, I don't feel so lost or defeated or confused.  For the first time in way too long, I have a feeling of hope inside of me.  I'm back on the right track.  That's for sure.  And nothing can stop me now.

Till next time. ;)

There Are Definitely Some Changes Taking Place Up In Here

Dear Diary...

I'm feeling really good this morning.  I can't quite pinpoint the reason that I'm feeling so good.  It's quite possible that Hubby spiked my coffee this morning with some happy pills.  No.  That can't be right.  I don't think for a second that Hubby has a secret stash of happy pills.  Although, now that I think about it....

There has to be another explanation to why I'm feeling so peppy at 9am on a Sunday morning.  It wasn't from a wonderful night of sleep.  I went to bed a little after midnight, and for some reason woke up a few times in the night for no reason whatsoever.  That seems to be a common thing with me and Saturday nights, lately.  For the past few weeks, I've had trouble getting a good night's sleep on Saturday night.

Could my chipperness have something to do with the day I had yesterday?  Could it have something to do with the kick ass week I've had?  I'm thinking Yes. And Yes!

Let's start with this week, shall we?  You've heard how I've been doing - because I've told you about it every day.  I'm not going to go on with every minuet detail, or indulge my little secrets of some of the things that haven't been on point.  That's what my Tuesday confession posts are for.  I fall in to that pit every week.  I confess every day, and then when Tuesday comes around - I'm lost at what I can confess.  This week, I'm keeping some stuff locked away until Tuesday.

So, let's move on to the day I had yesterday.  It started out with my planning on going out to return the knockoff Toms I bought a few days ago, and doing some grocery shopping.  Then, it turned in to needing to find somewhere to get Jelly's haircut - cause she needed it.  She's 4 and has never had a hair cut.  In my defense, the child was bald until she was 2 1/2...so her long hair has developed over the past year.  I found out that Smart Style at our Wal-Mart was having a $8 hair cut promotion...so that's where we headed first.

Once we got there, I decided that I would get a hair cut.  It's something I've been wanting to do for a while - but I was holding off.  The reason I was holding off was stupid.  I don't feel "pretty" when I'm not doing well with my weight - and getting a hair cut means "prettifying" myself.  But, I remembered that I've had a pretty good week - and it might not hurt to give myself a little reward.  So I did.  And you know what?  I love it.  I wish I could share a pic with you right now - but I didn't take a pic after it was cut yesterday, and it doesn't look very good at this very second.

After getting my hair cut, I developed this change within myself.  I liked the way it looked.  I liked the way it felt.  That good feeling swam through my veins.  I realized how good I felt after only one week of eating better, logging my foods, and making small goals each day.  I could look at myself in the mirror and see what I'm working towards, and got a glimmer of hope that I am definitely on the right track.

Once my hair cut was finished, Hubby asked if I wanted to get something to eat at the fried chicken place in the Wal-Mart.  Without even stopping to think about it, I said NO!  I hadn't eaten all day (my bad), and I was hungry - but I just couldn't even fathom eating it.  I chose to go hungry for the time being, until I could get something more healthy.  NSV or what?

I will admit that I didn't eat anything until I got home - which was around 4pm.  That's not good.  That's bad, actually.  I didn't eat anything all day.  Then, when I got home, I made myself a ham and cheese sandwich and a turkey and cheese sandwich.  I also ate some Cheetos later on in the evening.  That's not good, but I knew a few Cheetos wasn't going to kill me - especially after I'd turned down a plate of fried chicken earlier.  My total calorie intake for yesterday was 724 calories.  That's not something I should be proud of.  Anything less than 1200 calories is dangerous.  But it was one day, and not something I plan on doing a lot of.  I feel that I'd rather have 724 calories and be way below my goal than to splurge on fried chicken and be over my calories.

I think that yesterday was kind of a cleanse to my system.  I was faced with a choice.  Being that I was hungry, it would have usually been a no brainer to visit a fast food place and grab something quick to eat.  But my progress this week, and the new hair cut that was a step in beautifying myself halted my heels and made me take a step back and weigh out the situation.  I know that wouldn't have happened a month ago, or even a week ago. 

Right now, I'm sitting in my work-out clothes.  My goal for today was to go to the gym while the kids were at church.  But, the weather is so nice out - I've decided to go for a walk/jog.  It's a 3 mile stretch from my house, down the road, and back...so that's what I'm going to do.

Then, once the kids are picked up, I'm going to go play bingo.  All by myself.  

Goals for today?

• Walk/jog for at least 30 minutes
• Eat at least 3 meals
• Avoid fried food or any kind of junk food at the bingo hall

Till next time. ;)

Saturday Morning Coffee Break - Let's Talk Shoe Shopping!!

Dear Diary...

I'll admit, I've already had a couple cups of coffee this morning.  But, I'm still drinking it - so I can write while drinking the cup I'm drinking right now.  I've got quite a lot to say, this morning, so you might want to grab that big mug of coffee before you start reading.  Or maybe you'll need to take a refill break half way through - totally up to you.  I'll still be here, waiting for you.

I'm a little miffed this morning.  Miffed is a word, because it didn't highlight when I typed it.  My definition of miffed is a little upset.  Not enough to be pissed, but on the verge of being disgruntled.  I just checked the actual definition of "miffed" and came back with the same results.  Wow, I'm a pretty good walking dictionary.

Anywho, when you read my blog, you probably notice those ads that pop up under each post - and the Amazon ads that appear on the side bar.  There's a reason I have those ads.  Cause I thought it might earn me a couple of bucks once or twice a year. 

Well, this morning, I decided to have a looksy at how effective those ads are.  If anyone actually clicks on them - and if I've actually earned any money.  Well, I was quite surprised to see that I have, in fact, earned some money.  So, I decided to click the Adsense button that would lead me to my account so that I could have a check issued.  And guess what happened?  I get a message that my account has been disabled due to "term violation".  That's it.  No explanation of what violation I apparently violated.  No explanation of how I can fix the problem.  And absolutely no way to contact them to find out what the heck is going on.  How very convenient. 

So, then I visit the Amazon site that manages the money I've made from those ads.  What do my eyes see before me?  My account has been disabled because residents of Arkansas are no longer permitted to participate in the program.  Urm.  When did that happen?  I don't remember ever seeing an email letting me know this tidbit of information.  I don't remember ever being contacted by someone saying "we're sorry, but you live in a state that no longer allows us to pay you for advertising our products - so you can go ahead and remove the ads if you want".  Why would they do that?  Not being able to pay me means they're getting free advertising, right?  The whole thing has ticked me off, so I'm now happy to report that you won't be bothered by those ads anymore.  I've removed them.  If I'm going to allow space on my blog to be taken up by billion dollar companies, then I expect a couple of bucks thrown my way. If not, well, then I'll do my own advertising of the products I think are worthy of being advertised - for free.

Speaking of which - let's advertise right now, shall we?

Yesterday, I did something I never thought I'd do.  I bought something I have been saying for over a year that I would never buy.  In fact, I bought two of those somethings.  Wanna know what it was?  Toms.  The shoes.

If you don't know what Toms are, you've either been living under a rock - or you are living in a place that haven't jumped aboard the Toms Train.  It seems like, in my neck of the woods, Toms are the new Nike's.  Everyone has them.  Kids.  Adults.  Pretty much every teacher I've ever met or work with.  There's nothing fantastically amazing about the look of Toms.  They are canvas shoes that are supposed to be extremely comfortable.  That's it.  BUT, for every pair of Toms sold, the company donates a pair of shoes to a child in need.  So, even though the shoes are pretty expensive - for what they are - they are for a good cause.

This is the style that I ordered yesterday:

Don't they just SCREAM me?  Pink and sparkly.  My two middle names.  These would normally run you about $60... but I managed to snag a pair from an authorized Toms seller for $40.  So, if I figure that's $20 for my shoes and $20 for the shoes that will be donated to a child - it's not such a bad deal.  But, ordering them online means that I will have to wait a week or two to get them.  Blah.  That stinks.

That was, until I found out there was an authorized seller in my area.  A shoe store that actually sells them?  Where I could get a pair right there on the spot?  I just had to go.  And I did.  And I found a pair that I loved - and I could wear right out of the store!!

Just the night before, I had gone to a department store that sells their own version of Toms.  They don't look exactly the same, but they were 1/3 of the price.  I wore a pair of them yesterday, and I was in more pain from wearing them than I would have been wearing 6" heels to work.  When I got to the Toms store, and was able to put on a real pair of Toms - my feet felt like they were being wrapped in little clouds.  They were soft, comfy, and even the blisters that had formed on my feet from the knock-offs were telling me how grateful they were that I'd freed them from the torture from the other shoes.

Thankfully, I bought the other shoes from a store that allows returns on shoes that have been worn - so I will be returning the death shoes today.  The money I'll get back from the 3 pairs that I bought will make up for one pair of the Toms...and I'm totally OK with that!

I've never been one to spend more than $20 on a pair of shoes.  Even my new training shoes were only $35 - which I considered to be a splurge buy.  I'm pretty thrifty when it comes to my shoes - even though I have TONS of them.  I'm also not one to jump on a big band wagon and buy shoes just because everyone else has them.  But this is one time that I'm glad I did both.  I spent a lot of money on a pair of shoes (actually two pairs) and I jumped on a band wagon.  BUT, I can honestly say I now know why so many people wear them.  If they stay as comfortable as they were last night - having two feet that felt like they were put in vice grips all day long and the pain instantly disappearing once the Toms were placed on my feet - then they are definitely worth every penny.

OK, coffee break over.  You can now get back to doing what you were doing.  I would like to know, though, do you own a pair of Toms?  What do you think of them?

Before I go - here are my goals for today:

• Stay under my calorie limit
• Go for a walk for at least 30 minutes
• Try and jog some of that 30 minutes

Till next time. ;)

Wow! It Goes To Show How Important My Mini-Goals Really Are

Dear Diary...

This week, OK the past few days, I've been back to posting mini-goals on here every day and tracking my food intake on My Fitness Pal.  I feel the change is going to give me a boost in the right direction of being mindful of everything I do.

It's no surprise that for months and months, I've dipped into the bag of excuses and basically used up every one to explain my lack of progress on the scale.  I've also changed my mind so much about what I am and am not going to do - that it's enough to make anyone dizzy.  One day I'm making goals, the next day I'm not.  One day I'm going to not join a gym, the next day I am.  One day I'm determined to go to the gym, and the next I'm sick and can't.  The new year started and I had this belief that I could muster up the power and strength to put all of my bad habits behind me and just transform myself in to a weight loss warrior.  Which, you can tell by the progress numbers in my sidebar, didn't work out for me too well.

So, after a lot of deliberation with my inner self, I realized I just had to go back to basics.  I had to completely start over.  I had to forget that I'd managed to lose 88lbs in a little over a year.  I had to forget that I used to be able to jog 3 miles.  I had to forget that not so long ago I totally knew what I was doing and how to do it.  I just had to forget and tell myself that this is day 1...and strict monitoring had to be in order.

Tuesday, I started logging my food intake to My Fitness Pal.  I was able to enter all of my food from the day before and realize that I was eating way too much - even when I thought I wasn't.  Within one day, I was keeping a close eye on what I was eating - and curbed it staying under my calorie goal on both Tuesday and Wednesday.  On Tuesday and Wednesday, I also placed mini goals on here - and I reached everyone one of them.  I went to the gym, I ate right, I logged, and I drank plenty of water.

Then, well yesterday came...and I didn't post any goals.  It wasn't on purpose.  I was so caught up with explaining Biggest Loser drama that I totally forgot to put any goals up.  You wanna know what happened?  Well, I didn't go to the gym after work for one.  It wasn't a total I didn't go because I didn't want to scenario - but close enough.  I told myself I wanted to go - but I found excuses why I couldn't.  Butter was kinda moody, so I didn't want to chance leaving him with his sister while I was working out.  I had a meeting at the school at 5pm, and I didn't want to show up to that all sweaty.  Totally lame ass excuses!

Wanna know what I did instead?  I went shoe shopping.  Yep.  You read that right.  Instead of going to the gym and working my behind off to be able to earn money to buy my new wardrobe in the future - I went and bought shoes.  Lord have mercy!  Don't ask me what I was thinking - I honestly don't know.

Do you want to know what happened once the meeting at the school was over and I was driving home?  I felt guilty.  I felt like I had cheated myself.  I felt bad and realized that I'd totally screwed myself with coming up with those lame-o excuses....and it was too late to do anything about it.

Wanna know something else I did?  I went over my calorie goal.  My goal - when there is no exercise involved - is 1480.  I ate 1657.  Not extremely bad, but if I had gone to the gym and did my cardio...like I was supposed to... I would have earned an extra 300 exercise calories and would have been under my calorie goal.  I know that the only reason I didn't completely screw the day up with my eating was because I was still logging my food - and refused to let that number climb any higher.

So, what have I learned?  Well, putting my goals on here - for the world to see - is important.  It's not important for anyone else to see what I'm planning to do... but it is important for me to see what I'm planning to do...and then doing it. 

Here are my goals for today:

• Eat less than my calorie goal
• Eat all of my meals and snacks - and keep them within caloric range
• Drink lots of water
• Go to the gym to make up for the missed session from yesterday

Friday is not a scheduled gym day for me.  I told myself that if I go the gym Sunday - Thursday, I could take Friday and Saturday off.  The reasoning behind it is the fact that my family usually do a lot of stuff on the weekends - so scheduling those days off a head of time prevents me from having to rearrange my schedule - or feel like I've flaked out when I skip a work-out.  It doesn't mean I can't work out on those days - but by not planning to avoids the feeling of failure.  Plus, I get a couple days to use to make up any sessions I had to miss during the week.  That's proactivity at it's finest, if I say so myself.  

I have to go to my mom's tonight to pick up my brother.  I could use that as an excuse as to why I can't work out after work... but I'm not gonna.  It's Friday night.  If I have to pick my brother up an hour later because I go to the gym first, then so be it.  It's not going to hurt anyone.  And it's definitely going to benefit me.

Till next time. ;)

Biggest Loser Breakdown...Tear Down?...Put Down? Something Like That

Dear Diary...

Thursdays have kinda become the day when I get on here and do a bitchfest rundown of the week's episode of Biggest Loser.  I like doing it on Thursdays, because there are some people that don't get to watch it on the actual night that it comes on....so I give those people an extra day to check it out.  Although, this season, it seems the amount of people watching the show at all - if the comments are right on Facebook and Twitter - are getting lower and lower.

It's no surprise that this season has probably the worst contestants in the history of the show.  It's not fair for me to make that call, because I haven't watched since the first season.  But, from what I'm hearing - there has never been anything like it.  This season has caused an uproar in the weight loss community - and there's good reason.

I have more to say about that subject, so I'm going to do a quick breakdown of this week's episode...SPOILER ALERT!!

This week, there was a temptation challenge.  The person who ate the most got power of creating whatever teams that person wanted.  They could make as many changes as they wanted - or keep things exactly the same.  Daphne won by eating 1800+ calories.  The temptation was supposed to be anonymous..but that didn't last long.  Daphne made a stupid choice and only made one switch.  Switching Conda and Jeremy.  Putting AnaConda on the black team and Jeremy on the red team.  Of course, it sent shockwaves through
the house, because they are all a bunch of cry babies.  I knew what she was doing.  She wanted to prove a point.  To show them what it was like for her and her brother to be placed on an unknown team.  Did anyone else get it?  Of course not!  They were too busy worrying how they were going to get rid of Daphne and praising the almighty AnaConda.  That's become her new nickname, by the way.  It was a stupid choice that sealed her fate - but I totally got why she did it.

Long story short, the black team ended up throwing the weigh in by losing stupid amounts of weight.  There was actual footage shown of them all eating bread and crap so that their numbers were bad.  Conda managed to actually gain a pound.  It was with the intent to get rid of Daphne.  Now, the twist came when Daphne stood on the scale.  Everyone at home was hoping she'd be the biggest loser for the week and earn immunity.  She stood on the scale and ended up gaining 2lbs!!  Everyone was shocked.  So, of course, Daphne was sent packing.

Now, in my mind, I knew exactly why she did that too.  She was so tired of the drama, she'd rather go back home - where she had the most success - than be around a bunch of whine bag, self centered monsters that are still on the show.  And I say GOOD FOR HER!!

It was reported by TMZ, yesterday, that the remaining contestants staged a walk-off when they found out the producers may bring back some of the eliminated players for a chance to win the prize money.  The contestants weren't having none of that - and actually threatened to quit.  I say, along with thousands of others, LET THEM QUIT!!  I'd much rather have the eliminated players back for the rest of the season and see every one of the players left sent packing. 

Bob also did an interview with Radar online calling the remaining contestants "bullies".  He admitted that he didn't like most of the contestants on the season's show.  He called them "nasty".  He's also apparently sick of the negativity and game play that's spewing from the season. 

I'm so frustrated with the show, it's not even funny.  I found myself "liking" many negative pages this week like the I Dislike Conda page, I Dislike Kim page and I Dislike Biggest Loser 13.  Looking back at what I did shocks me.  I've never jumped on a bandwagon that promotes hate towards a person.... but I just couldn't help it.

I think my biggest frustration stems from the fact that NBC refuses to acknowledge any of the negative feedback it's receiving.  Each week, I've read THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of Tweets, Facebook statuses, and blogs that all slam this season - and mostly Conda - yet there hasn't been a word from the show, the producers, or NBC.  They even refused to comment to TMZ about the walk-off.  Which, I totally think is a scheme to try and boost ratings. 

Think about it for a second.  They read all the negative comments about how upset everyone is over the aqua team getting sent home.  Then they realize that maybe they could add a twist that brings them back once again.  Maybe even knowing how the other contestants would react.  It perks the interest of those people who are ticked off...and those people start watching again.  Total reality TV game play.

I can honestly say that I really have no desire to watch any more of this season.  Well, unless Conda gets sent home.  That might change the atmosphere in the house, and cause the show to make a few adjustments... but I'm not holding my breath.  I was able to see, this week, that there are people on the black team that are just as bad as some of the bullies on the red team - and that includes the people I liked, such as Emily and Cassandra.  I even kinda liked the red team this week, once Conda was off the team.  It just goes to show how much venom that one woman spreads around the house.

I really hope that NBC has been reading the comments.  I hope that despite their silence, they are planning on never letting something like this happen again.  Of course, it's hard to determine what people are going to be like once they are actually on the show... but they've done right for the past seasons I've watched. 

The Biggest Loser is supposed to be a show about hope, inspiration, and determination.  It's supposed to spread the message that people can overcome pretty much anything to lose weight and get in shape.  It's not supposed to be about bickering, fighting, game play, and causing the weight loss community to protest and quit watching.  I just hope that the comments are not falling on deaf ears.  One can only hope, being that there is nothing else to go on.

Till next time. ;)

Time To Call on an Old Pal... Weigh In Time

Dear Diary...

I'm upset.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm confused.  And I feel all of those things even though I knew what was going to happen this morning.

I knew I was going to stand on the scale and see another gain.  The weekend was bad.  I get that I have to pay for my consequences.  What I didn't realize was how bad the gain was going to be.  I thought maybe a pound.  At the worst, almost two.  But what I saw before me this morning has left a hole in my stomach, and in my heart.

Last week, I stood on the scale and saw 241.8lbs.  That was a 2.4lbs gain from the week before.  This week I just couldn't prepare myself for what I saw.  The scale read 244.4lbs.  In a week, I've gained 2.6lbs.  That means, in the past two weeks, I've gained 5lbs.  UGH!!!!

When I started this year out, I weighed 239.8lbs.  We're coming to the end of the second month of the year.  A month where I should be celebrating around a 10lbs loss.  But no.  Instead, I'm seeing a total of almost 5lbs gained.  I've gone down a little in the past few weeks - but I've skyrocketed back up again these past two weeks.  Which is very frustrating because the last two weeks - I've actually been working out. 

One thing I can be a little happier about is that my scale was MUCH nicer to me than the scale used for my Biggest Loser weigh in yesterday.  Last week, I weighed in at 241lbs for that.  Wanna know what I saw on that scale yesterday morning?  246lbs!!  A 5lb gain in a week!  Thank goodness I was able to drop a couple of pounds overnight before my weigh in this morning.... or I may have just gone completely off the deep end.

This week has taught me that I have serious problems when it comes to my food intake.  I've finally been able to get myself off the couch and in the gym - but my working out is basically for nothing, when I stuff my face with empty calories all day long. 

Anyone that has read my blog for a while will know that I am not a fan of calorie counting.  In my mind, logging everything I eat every single day is not something that is realistic to a lifestyle change.  That was my opinion.  Still is, really.  But, I'm also big enough to admit when I need some serious help.  A kick in the right direction.  A way to be able to see what I'm doing wrong - and find a way to try and fix it.

So, yesterday, I decided it was time to rekindle a friendship with an old pal.  I'm not sure why I didn't do it sooner.  This pal of mine got me started on the road to weight loss a little under two years ago.  My pal got me facing the amounts of calories I was consuming, and helped me adjust accordingly until I was capable enough to make the right food choices without having to log everything.  That pal?  Well, it's My Fitness Pal, of course!

I started out by logging all of the food I'd eaten on Monday.  I was so surprised to see that I'd eaten 2095 calories - even though I thought I'd had a "good" day.  Once I saw in black and white the amount of calories I'd put in to my body - and where they came from - I was able to immediately begin making some adjustments.  Yesterday, I consumed 1,564 calories.  That was still eating three meals and two snacks.   My target amount is 1,480 a day without considering exercise calories - and I burned 300 calories at the gym yesterday, which bumped my food calories to a goal of 1,780.  So, I did very well for the actual first day of logging.  In just one day, I tweaked my food intake enough to knock 500 calories from the "diet" I was eating every day.  No wonder I've been gaining 2+lbs a week!

It's been a while since I've used the mobile version, and I'm very happy with the updates that have appeared since the last time I used it.  I am now able to scan my foods in while I'm eating using the bar code scanner.  That's a big plus for me.  It's hard, sometimes, to fit in the time to log what I eat when I'm at work...or try to remember it later.  Now?  Well, I just enter in my meals as I'm eating them and scan in my snacks.  A big time saver. 

Despite this very depressing start to my day, I feel like this is definitely a new beginning.  I can admit when I'm wrong.  I started this year off with the mentality that I'd be able to pick up where I left off a year ago.  I thought I'd magically be able to eat right, exercise often, and watch the pounds disappear before my very eyes.  Apparently, I had to see what was really happening before my eyes before admitting my mistakes.  I thought I'd be fine without setting goals for myself.  I thought I would be fine without logging my food.  I thought I'd be fine and I was wrong.  I need the goals.  I need the logging.  For now.  I have to retrain my body, retrain my mind, and I'm in no hurry to get rid of the tools that will help me do that. 

I am happy to report that yesterday, once again, I completed all of my mini goals.  I drank more than 60ozs of water.  I completed 30 minutes on the elliptical.  It was hard, but I pushed through it.  I ate my meals, kept my portion sizes small - and stayed below my calorie target.  I even earned my $5 bonus for working out three times this week.  Which, by the way, I've decided to update to reflect $5 for working out three times and $15 if I work out five times in a week.  Nice little incentive, if I say so myself.

Today, I'm going to:

• Log all of my food into My Fitness Pal
• Keep my calories below 1,600
• Complete the 30 minute circuit training at the gym and follow it up with the ab circuit
• Drink at least 60ozs of water

I am determined to make this week my best week since the start of the year.  I'm determined to make my goals and reach them each day.  I'm determined to get my eating under control.  I just had to hit rock bottom before I was truly ready to admit that.  Well, rock has been reached - and it hit me hard on the bottom.  Here's to a much better week next week!

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

First off, I want to say thank you for the support I received yesterday.  You have no idea how empowering it is to come here and read such great words of encouragement.  It's so nice to know that even when I'm feeling down and disappointed in myself - you guys can leave a few words that boost me back to feeling so much better.


Today is Tuesday, which means it's confession day.  I have spent the past couple of days confessing the stuff that happened this past weekend, but there's always more than I can divulge.  So, here goes...

I confess that I went to the gym last night and completed a mini goal by doing the 30 minute circuit training followed by the ab training.  

I confess that yesterday I completed a mini goal and drank lots of water. 

I confess that yesterday I completed the last mini goals and ate my breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner.  And kept the portions somewhat smaller than usual.

I confess that it feels really good knowing that I was able to complete the goals I made for myself, and look forward to doing that again today.

I confess that I'm very nervous about my Biggest Loser weigh in this morning.  I have a feeling it's going to be my biggest gain thus far. 

I confess that the reason I have a feeling my Biggest Loser weigh in this morning will be the biggest gain thus far is because I stood on the scale this morning...and it wasn't pretty.  My mind just can't fathom the amount of weight gain it's showing.  Even though I know I ate like crap this past weekend, I'm pretty sure I didn't eat 10,500 calories over what I would burn....which would be the amount of calories to explain this morning's weight.

I confess that I feel a little better after just reading an article that says the morning right after a work-out, it's quite common to see a gain of up to 3lbs due to the body storing water from the shock to the system.  I feel better, but it's still going to suck donkey balls when I have to pay $3 for the gain, and to buy this week's BL a gift because they did what they were supposed to...and lost weight.

I confess that I am totally in love with my new training shoes.  While working out last night, all I wanted to do was move... because my shoes were so comfy and bouncy.  When I stopped to get gas on my way home, I jogged in place at the gas pump just because my feet didn't want to stand still on the cushions that are my shoes.  LOVE THEM!

I confess that I'm looking forward to my cardio work-out tonight.  Mainly because I'll have a friend there with me.  Also, because I can't wait to use my shoes again and see if they are just as good when I'm using equipment like the elliptical or treadmill.

I confess that I'm not looking forward to watching The Biggest Loser tonight.  I think it's going to be the last episode I'll watch this season - and that makes me sad.  BL has been a part of my life for a long time, now, and it frustrates me knowing that the producers are turning the show I used to look to for inspiration into another drama filled reality TV show.

I confess that I just realized that after my work-out tonight, I will have 3 work-outs for this past week...which will earn me a $5 bonus when I weigh in tomorrow.  And I'm not going to about the fact that I'll probably have to pay every penny of it back due to weight gain.

I confess that I'm thinking of upping the amount I earn for working out three times a week.  I mean, getting $2 for losing a pound and only $5 for working out three times a week seems a little harsh.  Maybe I should change it to where I earn $5 a week for at least 3 work-outs and give myself a $10 bonus if I work out 5 times.  Hmmm, will definitely have to consider it.

I confess that I'm glad this week's confessions aren't all bad.  In fact, they're mostly good.  That always makes me feel better... when I'm not just sitting here laying out pitiful stuff.  There's a lot of room for improvement, though.

And that's it for this week!

Before I go, I want to list today's mini goals:

• Drink at least 60ozs of water today
• Complete 30 minutes on the elliptical at the gym tonight
• Eat my 3 meals and a snack
• Keep my portion sizes small

That's it.  Think I can do it?  Yeah, I think I can.

This past week has been pretty crazy.  My emotions have been the equivalent to an extreme rollercoaster.  I'm staying positive that if I can take one day at a time, this week, and really pay attention to what I'm eating and how I'm working out - I'll have a much better outlook on my success.

Well, better get my lousy weigh in over with this morning.

Till next time. ;)

Reaching My Breaking Point

Dear Diary...

Did you know that 50 days have passed since the beginning of the new year?  Yep.  Seven weeks have come and gone since everyone sang Old Lang Syne, kissed their families, and began the process of planning out their resolutions for 2012.

It also means that 50 days have passed while I've made empty promises to myself, continued to stuff my face with food I know I shouldn't, visited the gym a handful of times, and watched the scale continue to go higher and higher.  That's not what was supposed to happen.

This past weekend was amazing.  Regardless of what I'm about to tell you.  This weekend, I let my hair down and truly enjoyed myself.  I had such a great time being able to have some quality time with Hubby. But, I also got to get a glimpse to how out of control my life, eating, and waist line have become.  No, not a glimpse, a full blown punch in the face.  It was hard enough to knock the wind out of me...and the harsh smack of reality now has me wondering where did I go wrong?

I tried on a pair of pants while out Saturday.  They were cute and cheap.  I said I wasn't going to buy clothes for myself, but I figured one pair of pants wouldn't hurt.  I grabbed a pair of size 18s to try on.  It was hard enough doing that, being that this time last year I was wearing lose fitting size 16s.  Anywho, I tried on the size 18s and I couldn't get them buttoned.  No matter how much I squirmed and squeezed, they just weren't going on.  I almost cried right there in the changing room.  I had to go up to a size 20 in order to get them to fit...and even they are a little snug.  The whole situation made me so sad.  What happens when I get sad?  Yep, I eat.  I totally believe that's what brought on the giant dinner and dessert Saturday night.  For a faint second I just had the mentality that I was done.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I was tired of disappointing myself, tired of trying, and tired of pretending to be something I wasn't.

After leaving the restaurant, I was miserable.  Miserable because I'd eaten way too much, and miserable because I'd allowed myself to do it.  Hubby could sense how I was feeling.  We went to a few more stores before heading home, and he kept trying to get me to talk about how I was feeling.  But it was too late.  The damage had been done.  I did what I always do - put it behind me, pretended it didn't bother me, and decided not to worry about it.  However, looking back now, I realize that I couldn't just let it go.  Remember how I mentioned I had a terrible time trying to sleep Saturday night?  Now that I think about it - I wonder if it was because my mind was tormenting me, trying to get me to face my mistakes, make me take accountability for the damage I've done and continue to do to my body.

I really, truly believed that once the gym opened up at the beginning of this month, I'd magically transform in  to a new person.  I'd get rid of the person I'd become, and jump right back on to the horse of losing a ton of weight.  Well, I've been to the gym - but the scale continues to increase.  There's just no balance in my life.  I work-out a couple of times a week, but the eating outweighs the exercise.  What happens when one side isn't in sync with the other?  The scales become unbalanced - and work against me.

I wish I could sit here and say that everything is going to change.  But, really, how many times have I said that?  It can't be about words anymore.  I can tell myself over and over until I'm blue in the face that I'm going to change my behaviors - but until I actually start putting a process behind the statements...it's just empty, open words. 

At the beginning of the year, I made one promise to myself: No more empty promises.  I wasn't going to make goals, I wasn't going to set deadlines.  Why?  Because I end up failing, and then that makes me feel even worse.  I promised myself that I was going to take one day at a time, do what I could each day and start over the next day if things didn't go right.

I'm just not sure that mentality works for me now that I look at my progress thus far.  Telling myself that I can just start over tomorrow is another excuse - probably the worst excuse that I can have.  You know why?  Because tomorrow is always there - welcoming me with open arms, allowing me to do whatever I want today.  Things have to change.  I have to change.  I can't just start over tomorrow - I have to cease today.  I have to make everything count today.  I have to give everything I can today. 

So, I'm going to try something new...starting today.  Each day, I'm going to start posting mini goals again.  I know I said I didn't want to do that - but I need some accountability. I need to see success in being able to finish something I set my mind to.  Not outrageous goals - just simple, day to day goals.

Today I am going to drink lots of water.

Today I am going to not eat anything but breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a snack between lunch and dinner.

Today, when I eat those meals, I am going to eat small portions.

Today I am going to the gym and will complete 30 minutes of circuit training and 12 minutes of ab circuit training.

I've reached my breaking point.  I can't live like I've been living anymore.  It's now or never - and I have to take some initiative in seeing it through.  I know I can do this.  One day at a time.  

Till next time. ;)

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Dear Diary...

I'm dragging a little this morning.  Actually, I'm dragging a lot.  After going to bed at 2am, I was unable to sleep.  Even though I was exhausted.  I tossed and turned most of the night, napping here and there.  I finally gave up with getting any good, solid sleep around 9 this morning and just got up.  It's frustrating, really, because I should have slept like a baby last night.  After the day I had yesterday, every part of me was tired.

Let's get to that, shall we?  My day yesterday.  I left my house around 11 yesterday morning, and didn't get home until 11 last night.  Yes.  We were out for 12 hours.  There's a lot to tell you about...some good, some bad, and some down right ugly.

The Good:
I got my shoes!  My new training shoes.  I didn't get the ones that I had originally picked out.  After browsing around, I found a different pair - that look almost identical to the ones I originally picked out.  I went with Sketchers Ready, Set, Tone-Ups:

The only difference between these and the pair I picked out the other day while browsing online, are that these offer additional support on the arch of my foot that is removable (if I find it to be too much support), and the Resolyte soles that help tone thighs and calves while working out.  Plus, they were only $35!  Oh, and I also got a new gym bag.  That's pink trim with zebra stripes.  I can't wait to use both of them!  

I also got another pair of shoes...well, boots.  It was a total impulse buy that may lead to my never even wearing them - but they were $10.  Reduced down from $25.  That's a good deal, and I couldn't resist.  Plus, I don't own a pair of ankle boots.  Cute, right?

In addition to all that goodness, I also bought a new purse, some new scarves, a few head bands with the cute flowers, body sprays, a super cute silk nightie with a silk robe, some new undies, bras, a 4 slice waffle maker, and a Bluetooth headset for my phone...so I'm no longer driving and talking on the phone.  All in all, I came home with a huge stow of loot.  And I'm very happy with the bargains I hunted down.

The Bad:
There was nothing bad about my day.  The time spent with Hubby was amazing, and we had a lot of fun.  Having a Hubby that loves shopping as much as I do?  Probably should be listed here.  Hubby isn't like "typical" men when it comes to shopping.  It's one of the many, many things I love about him.  While some men would rather burn their eyes out with hot pokers than spend the day shopping with their significant other - Hubby loves every second of it.  He doesn't even mind when I drag him around store after store just looking at shoes and purses.  As long as there is some other shopping thrown in.  He won't hesitate to give me an opinion on clothes that I pick out - and loves to give his feedback when it comes to undergarments.

Why is this so bad?  Well, because we end up spending 10 hours out shopping...and spending money.  If I had a "typical" Hubby, I'd have probably been home after a couple of hours - with a lot of money still in my pocket.  But I wouldn't trade it for anything...despite how much damage we do while we're out.

Something else I want to add in this category.  The fact that I was able to buy stuff at J.C. Penney much cheaper than I was able to find it at Wal-Mart.  How bad is that?  All day long, I was hunting for a new silk nightgown.  Wal-Mart had a few for around $16.  None of them jumped out to me as being worthy of spending $16 on...especially that I own most of the styles they carry.  Then, Hubby and I went to JCP and I found the cutest nightgown and matching robe for $22.  Not even on sale!  The nightgown was $11 and the robe was $11.  At WM, they wanted $16 a piece for each item - and they weren't even that cute!  I'm not sure what's going on with the world's biggest retailer... but when the day comes that I can buy clothes cheaper at the mall than I can at WM - then my WM shopping days for anything but food are OVER!

The Ugly:
You know what's coming with this category, right?  Yes.  You guessed it.  The food consumption.  I wish I could sit here and say that I was a good girl, and made good choices while out.  But that would be a lie.  My first ugly experience came for breakfast.  The Waffle House.  Need I say more?  Oh, you want details?  Way to make me feel the pain of my decisions!  I went with two eggs over-easy, bacon, hash-browns, and toast...followed up with a chocolate chip waffle.  I could sit here and feed out a bunch of excuses, but there aren't any.  Not any that would justify my decision.  I was stupid.  But it was good.

All day long, I went without eating anything else.  I didn't even drink much of the Diet Dr. Pepper I bought while we were out.  Then, it was dinner time.  Hubby and I had already decided we'd eat at Red Lobster.  I could have gone with a light option, but I didn't.  I went for the Surf & Turf.  A sirloin steak, lobster tail, lobster baked potato, and broccoli.  Let's not forget the salad and garlic cheddar biscuits before the actual meal.  Those darn biscuits are so freakin' good!  I ate 3 of them.  That in it's self was probably enough calories for one dinner.  But, alas, I ate the salad, the biscuits, the huge dinner....and then ate a chocolate chip lava cookie with ice-cream.  I never order dessert when I go out and eat a meal.  I don't know why I had to this time - but I did.  And, again, it was good.  No, make that AMAZING!

Am I going to regret my food choices in a few days when I have to step on the scale?  You bet ya.  Do I regret indulging and just enjoying a fantastic weekend alone with my Hubby?  Not on your life!  Sure, once again, I made stupid, pointless food choices that I will once again regret come weigh in day... but the experience was worth it.  Something like this weekend probably won't happen again for a very long time.  All I can do now is enjoy the memory.

However, I will say before I go that this weekend was an eye opening experience.  It was border line depressing not wanting to buy clothes.  Or not being able to, because I've once again jumped up to a size that isn't carried in most department stores.  Looking at clothes with Hubby and making statements like "I'd look good in that if I lost about 50lbs" took a lot out of me.  Hubby was ready with the constant reinforcements and sweet sentiments to make me feel better - but it didn't really help.  It made me realize the damage I've done, and continue to keep doing apparently.  I truly can't wait to put my new shoes and gym bag to use.  My goal, now, is to be able to ready myself for the next opportunity Hubby and I get for a kid-free shopping weekend.  I will start putting money in to that Reward Jar, so that once the time comes - I'll be ready to shop till I drop for new clothes that make me look hot, sexy, and slim!

Till next time. ;)

Could I Have Possibly Found a New Hobby?

Dear Diary...

I'm making a quick check-in before it's time to get to Kid Free Adventure, Day 2.  Last night, I had a lot of fun.  Hubby and I went to his parent's house for dinner.  The intent was to have dinner and then play some games, but instead it was eat dinner and sit around and talk and laugh for about 3 hours.  I'm thinking I kind of preferred it that way.  It's been a long time since we've spent some time with Hubby's parents, so it was nice to catch up for a while.

Dinner was, of course, not good.  Pizza and buffalo wings.  HOWEVER, I only ate 2 pieces of pizza and 3 hot wings for dinner.  And that was after not really eating a whole lot all day.  Not too bad.  Although, the king size Snickers and barbeque Fritos I ate around midnight last night can stay a secret, m'kay?

Let's forget the food intake for a while, and get to what today's blog is about.  My big purchase from last night.  Well, technically it was Hubby's big purchase.  We decided to buy RockSmith for our Playstation 3.  It's the "game" that teaches you how to play a real electric guitar.  The "game" even comes with an electric guitar.  Now, I'll admit, playing the guitar has never been something I've really been interested in.  But, I always LOVED the guitar hero game.  The idea of being able to play a game that's going to teach me to actually play the guitar is very exciting to me. 

Plus, I can sing.  That's something I don't think I've ever shared with you guys before.  I'm pretty good at it, too.  Even though my karaoke skills haven't done the best at highlighting that, I can actually carry a pretty good tune.  My mom tried for years to get me to try out for American Idol, but I never considered something like that.  For one, I had terrible stage fright.  It wasn't until a night out with Sanity and Hope last year that I actually got the nerve up to step on a small stage and perform some very bad, nervous karaoke that made me face that fear.  After that?  Well, there was no stopping me.  I was singing my little heart out at least once a month, and when I was actually being serious about it - I sounded really good... if I say so myself.

Anywho,  my chances of ever trying out for American Idol is gone - I'm too old now - but learning how to play the guitar is something I'd never thought about that would be great to accompany my singing.  Even if it is for private performances on holidays.  I just think it would be cool.  So, I'm gonna give it a try.  Take it up as a new hobby, and see where I get.

Alright, enough time wasted... I've got a very long day of shopping and spending time with my amazing Hubby a head of me.  I. Can't. Wait!

Till next time. ;)

Getting Ready for an Amazing Weekend!!

Dear Diary...

I can't even begin to tell you how freaking excited I am at this very second.  First, I'm at home.  On a Friday.  Thanks to teacher professional development day - that I don't have to attend because I'm not hired as a teacher, which gives me the day off.  Paid.  Second, in a few short hours, I'll be making the drive to Oklahoma to drop off my kids at my parent's house for the entire weekend.  The. Entire. Weekend!

I know it may sound bad that I'm excited to get rid of my kids for the weekend.  It may sound bad, but I don't care.  Hubby and I haven't had any time alone for...urm...well...I can't even remember.  That's bad.  It's important for couples to have some time alone every now and then.  Not for just the obvious reasons (bow, chick-a, bow, bow) but to just spend some time having adult conversations and doing things that adults do when there aren't any kids around.  Going out to nice restaurants, going out for a drink, shopping.  If you have three kids and take them shopping with you....wouldn't it be nice to have a day when you could do it kidless?  If you don't have three kids, then imagine it for a second.  Dragging them around stores.  Listening to them whine.  Taking three times as long to do anything because you can guarantee that they need to go to the bathroom at every single place we stop.  It will be pure heaven to have one shopping trip where that doesn't happen.

Thanks to my win at bingo last weekend, Hubby and I actually have a bit of money to use this weekend to ensure that we have a little fun.  That fun will start tonight when we go out to one of our favorite little bars and have a couple of drinks.  Doing something like going out to a bar with Hubby has me all giddy inside.  I've been out lots of times with my friends, but Hubby always stays home to watch the kids when I do that stuff.  It will be so nice to go to an adult establishment with my Hubby by my side - rather than my best girlfriends. 

Tomorrow, Hubby and I are heading out for an ENTIRE day of shopping.  We're going to travel about an hour and a half to an outlet mall that we both really like, then it's back to hit the malls around us.  We don't really have anything in mind we want to buy - but it sure feels nice to know that we won't be browsing around wishing we had just a little bit of money to buy some of the things we've been wanting.  One thing that I know I want to buy is my training shoes.  Tomorrow is the day I will get to get them! 

After a day full of shopping fun, we'll be having dinner at Red Lobster.  It's a place Hubby and I haven't eaten at for about 15 years.  I went with some friends when I was in junior high, and he went around the same time with family.  OK, it's not the fanciest restaurant in the world - but it suits our needs.  To be able to eat lobster for dinner is a luxury neither of us has had in way too long - so we're going to indulge just this one time.

I know it all sounds very materialistic.  Just because I get a little extra money, I'm going to blow it.  But that's not the case.  Hubby and I have been very responsible with our money.  The first thing we did is pay off our bills, paid some in advance, pay off our credit cards, and see to it that the vehicles are all in working order.  I even did some charitable stuff.  Yesterday, at school, we did Jump Rope for Hearts.  It's an activity where the kids were sponsored to jump rope for 30 minutes to raise money for the American Heart Association.  I sponsored 4 kids who wanted to participate but didn't have the means.  I then gathered with the kids at 1:45 yesterday afternoon and jumped rope with them for 30 minutes.  It was a lot of fun, and it felt great to be able to give a couple of kids the opportunity to participate in something that they wouldn't have been able to if I hadn't of stepped in. 

I'm going to do my best to be careful this weekend with my food intake.  I'm planning on going to the gym Sunday morning.  Not making any promises, but it's something that's on the to-do list for the weekend.  Right now, the only thing on my mind is to relax, have some fun, and enjoy it while it lasts.

Till next time. ;)

Biggest Loser Breakdown...and News!

Dear Diary...

Last night, I got back on an elliptical for the first time in almost a year.  I forgot how much I'd fallen in love with that piece of equipment.  I'd forgotten how much it makes me work, push myself.  I'd forgotten how it makes me feel like I'm running - and running hard.  I'd forgotten, but now I remember.  And I won't let myself forget so easily again.  I was strapped for time last night, so I wanted to get to the gym and do what I could in the 30 minutes I had.  I went straight to the elliptical.  I set my target heart rate to 140 - and I was off.  The machine kept beeping at me, telling me I was going too fast and needed to slow down.  Can't say that's ever happened before.

I decided to break my workout up between elliptical for 20 minutes, and bike for 10.  As I was working out, I decided to try intervals of high intensity for 30 seconds, then recovery for 1 minute.  On the elliptical, I was pushing speeds of 5mph for the fast parts - and coming down to about 3.5 for the recovery.  I was dripping sweat about 7 minutes in, that was fueling my fire to go harder.  On the bike, I kept my pace around 12 mph.  Being that I stayed on the elliptical a few minutes longer for the cool-down, I only stayed on the bike for 7 minutes - so I wanted to make it count.  And that I did.  All in all, I felt like it was a good work-out for the short amount of time I had. 

Now, let's get to my Biggest Loser Breakdown...shall we?  SPOILER ALERT, for anyone that hasn't watched it yet.

This week, I'll admit that I was happy to not see much drama.  For the first time this entire season, this episode focused on what it's really about.  That would be fighting those inner demons that got them there in the first place. 

At the start of the show, Conda and Daphne had a mini blow up.  Which was understandable.  Conda, of course, ran her mouth about Daphne not knowing what she was talking about - but you could see in Daphne's eyes that she was out for blood.  And I don't blame her one bit!

Allison arrived to deliver some news.  One player from each team was going home for a week - and only that person's weight would count on the scale at the end of the week.  It just so happened that Bob and Dolvett chose Conda and Daphne to go home.  Oh, and the trainers got to go with them for the week - leaving the rest of the team behind to fend for themselves.

While they were at home, we got to see a somewhat different side to Conda.  She opened up a little about a troubled time when she was in high school and her parents went through a divorce.  She got emotional and claimed to have had a revelation about why she was really at the ranch.  I almost believed her, too.  I said almost. 

If you don't watch the entire episode this week, you should at least check out the scenes of Dolvett babysitting Conda's daughter.  It was so cute.  Dolvett sure knows how to impress the little ones.

Anywho, I'm gonna skip the play by play and get to the nitty gritty.  The black team lost the challenge, which gave the red team a 1lb advantage for Conda.  The black team also lost the weigh in that earned another 1lb advantage for Conda.  The red team really did pull some good numbers.  Roy and Kim both lost 9lbs and Mark lost 10lbs.  So, before Daphne and Conda ever got on the scale - Conda had 2lbs in her favor.  I wasn't happy.  I wanted Daphne to win more than anything.  She really needed the win for herself and her brother.

Well, Daphne was on the scale first and lost an AMAZING 12lbs.  I think everyone on the ranch was as shocked as I was.  Then it was Conda's turn.  With Daphne's loss, and Conda's advantage she needed to lose more than 10lbs to win.  More than 10lbs means 11+.  I always hate the way they say it.  Allison should say "you need to lose at least 11lbs".  Anywho... Conda got on the scale, the numbers rolled, and she lost 10lbs.  Which was NOT the number she needed to win.  She needed one more pound.

Bob and Chism let out a huge yell of celebration - that got a lot of flack on Twitter.  They were accused of being bad sports for cheering.  I say who freakin' cares?  They had every right to be happy.  Daphne had just succeeded - and had shown Conda who's boss.  I would have cheered too, and I did...right in my living room!

Conda, of course, turned the waterworks on immediately saying how she felt terrible for letting her team down.  And off to voting the red team went.  After not being ticked off the entire episode, I was reminded of how much I dislike the red team during the voting.  Kim and Mark went first, claiming that they were voting for the one person who'd lost his edge, lost his passion.  And that person was Roy.  Urm.  WTH?  Roy lost 9lbs this week!  He was, I believe, the 2nd highest loser on the team for the week.  Kimmie had been losing stupid amounts of weight since she'd got there... but Roy was the weak link?  OK, whatever.  Even Allison stepped in after Mark's weak excuse of Roy not putting in his best effort.  She made a very obvious snark towards Mark with "he lost 9lbs this week, that doesn't count for something?"  I was very proud of Allison for saying something... not that it did any good.  Everyone else followed suit after that.  So, Roy was the one sent home.  I was pissed.  Again.

Then, the preview for next week's episode came on.  It appears that a weigh in is going to be thrown next week.  Not sure if it's to get Daphne out of the house - but that's what it was teasing.    The teams look to have been switched a little.  Conda is now wearing black and her brother is wearing a red shirt.  You will see that there is some weight gained - and Bob is PISSED!  As much as I don't want to see the drama, I want to watch the episode.  Although, I already feel like it's going to be my last episode to watch.  I just can't stand the drama anymore.  I watch that show to be inspired, and it's the complete opposite this season. 

In other Biggest Loser news - on Feb. 28th, I'm going to get to meet Patrick House!  He's the season 10 winner.  I'm very excited because it was a season I was very close with.  I've even had the honor of exchanging some messages with Patrick on Facebook...so I can't wait!  He's going to be at my gym.  So, there's a fun piece of information to close with.

There will be no gym for me tonight, as Jelly has a dentist appointment.  This weekend, I'm going to see how it goes - but I am determined to get at least 1 more work-out in before my next weigh-in.  I'm earning my $5 this week!

Till next time. ;)

Wednesday Weigh-In

Dear Diary...

Not happy this morning.  Not happy at all.  I knew I was going to see some damage on the scale this morning - but not this freakin' much!  A week after Aunt Flo leaves, I expect a loss.  Even if it is just her bloat weight baggage.  But not today.  Apparently she decided to leave a bunch of baggage behind when she left.

Last week, I weighed in at 239.4lbs.  That was almost a pound gain from the week before, which I expected because of AF.  Well, this week?  That gain has tripled.  This morning, I weighed 241.8lbs!  That's a gain of 2.4lbs.  To say that I'm unhappy, pissed off, and disappointed in myself is the biggest understatement EVER!  I know have to lose $4 out of my reward jar.  And I'm not earning anything this week from working out.  My reward ticker is surely starting to feel like a yo-yo.

The blatant honesty is, though, I did it to myself.  This past week was a rollercoaster of emotions.  First, I was sick.  That kept me out of the gym.  It also kept my butt planted firmly on the couch when I wasn't at work.  It also made me unhappy, which led me to mindless snacking.  Then, this weekend, I had a great emotional high with my bingo win.  That led me to mindless eating as a reward.  Oh, I have a little money? Well, then that must mean we have to eat out...and eat a ton of junk!  UGH!!

One thing I know for sure.  My eating is out of control.  I am still in the rut of emotional eating - maybe even worse than I've been in a long time.  It seems like each week I'm either dealing with one extreme or the other.  If I'm working out, I eat better.  If I'm not working out, I'm eating crap.  That's not an unusual concept... quite a common one, actually.  But, it goes to show how important my working out is.  If it's not there, the passion isn't there.  I'm not thinking about what I eat.  That just can't happen anymore.

I went to the gym last night.  I'll admit, I didn't really want to go by the time work was over.  It was Valentine's Day, which meant parties and hyped up, sugar loaded kids.  I was exhausted by the time I walked out the front door.  But, do you know what else I was?  Ashamed.  Because I had partaken in the V-Day activities, and dipped in to the cookies and chips that were on display in every classroom.  I was standing in the middle of a crossroad.  I could go home, knowing that I'd eaten crap...once again.  Or, I could go to the gym and try to extinguish some of the damage I had just done to myself.  I went with option B.  I had to. 

I got to the gym and met up with one of my friends.  It was so great having someone to work out with.  We did the 30 minute full body circuit training, and then did the 12 minute ab circuits.  It was my friend's first time, so she looked to me for guidance as to what she should do.  I'll admit it.  I felt kinda special.  Nobody has ever really looked to me for work-out advice.  It somehow pushed me to work harder.  I wanted to show that I knew what I was doing, I was committed to it, and that I was a 240lb woman that had determination to sweat my ass off.  I succeeded.  I think. I mean, I was able to really push myself - a lot harder than I have in a while - and I was dripping sweat by the time it was all done.

I was so glad that I went.  Even if I didn't want to, at first.  By the time I was done, I was pumped that I'd pushed myself and gotten through the barriers.  I upped the intensity on the weights.  I upped the intensity on the cardio steps.  I felt strong, and left happy.  I realized, once again, that the hardest part of working out is making the drive to the gym.  Once I'm there, I become a different person.  I want to work hard, I want to sweat.  It's a mind game that I'm tired of losing.  I want to make myself commit to at least getting to the gym every day that I can.  If I'm there 15 minutes, and I still don't feel it...then I can leave.  But, for some reason, I don't see that happening. 

I'm going back to the gym tonight.  I've decided that I'm going to alternate days with strength and cardio.  Being that I did strength training yesterday, I'll do about 30-45 minutes on the elliptical tonight.  I have some errands that I have to run after work, but I'm going to stop at the gym and get in as much as I can.  That's the mindset I need to get myself in.  Not letting other responsibilities get in my way.  Just because I have less time to work out doesn't mean I should just skip my workout.  It means I have to do what I can in the time that I have. 

I have learned a lot this week.  Mostly that I have a lot of work to do.  Especially in the food department.  Emotional eating is something that is hard to overcome.  I'm not even sure it's possible to overcome... but it can be controlled.  I know that when I'm working out, I'm cautious about what I'm eating.  That's because I don't want to waste the hard work I put in.  If I'm busting my behind to burn calories - the last thing I want to do is mindlessly eat and add calories that aren't needed.  The only way to control my eating is to make myself work out.  That's it.  Simple.  I have to have one with the other - or I get all out of whack. 

This weekend coming up is going to be a test.  I have the whole weekend alone with Hubby.  He's already told me that even though he doesn't celebrate V-Day - he's taking me out for a nice meal.  At a nice restaurant.  We will also be spending the entire day on Saturday out and about.  That may mean grabbing breakfast or lunch on the go.  What decisions will I make?  Well, as long as I keep in mind the work I've done in the gym this week - I should be OK.  Fingers crossed.

Goodbye 240+lbs... once again.  I've told you once that I never wanted to see your ugly face again.  I mean it this time.  You are officially evicted, exiled, banished.  I know I will have to fight - and fight hard - to permanently lose you.  But it's a fight I think I'm now ready for.  Be gone!

Till next time. ;)