Day Seven: Thankful for Our New Home...And The Happiness It Brings Us

                       

It occurred to me this morning, that since moving in to our new home, I have not taken ANY photos INSIDE the house.  Or even the front of the house.  The only pictures I have are of the pool.  So, that's about all I have to document today's Thankfulness.  But, I've written myself a little internal note to make sure I get some pics of the house... soon.

This time last year, I was very unhappy with our living situation.  I was thankful I had a roof over my head, but thankful it was still over our head and hadn't caved in.  I was thankful when it didn't rain, so that the house wouldn't leak and I wouldn't have to spend nights getting up and changing towels and dumping buckets of water.  I was thankful that the pipes hadn't frozen, the heating hadn't gone out (again), and that all the damage from the major roof leak hadn't destroyed ALL of Jelly's toys.

So, this year, to say that I'm thankful for our new home is a HUGE understatement.  I'm ecstatic.  Overjoyed.  I feel like we won the lottery of housing upgrades.

Our old house was a double wide mobile home.  When we first moved in, I was thankful to have it.  We had been living in a very small apartment before that, so getting a house with three bedrooms, and room for the kids to play was nice.  It was even big enough for me to start hosting my family for Thanksgiving.  

But, I can't really say that I ever felt "at home" living there.  It was our house.  But, no matter what I did, I just couldn't shake the feeling that it was just a house, and knew I would never really fell a strong connection to it.  Over the years, the house started to wear down.  Things started to break.  The walls were paper thin, so a few bumps here and there created holes in the walls.  Damage started to occur.  And, we would fix stuff over and over and over again...only for it to still break.  The condition of the house also started turning my family off from coming over.  They didn't feel comfortable there.  And it's not just the house's fault.  Once I started to get tired of all the problems we were having, I started giving up taking good care of the house.  The house became nothing more than a place for me to eat meals and sleep.  I didn't like being there, and it became a mission of mine to get us something better.

This year, I told myself that no matter what it took, I wanted to be in a new home by the time 2013 came to an end.

In February, I started putting Project: Find A New House in to effect.  I contacted a realtor, I got pre-approval for a loan.  That in itself was a MAJOR stepping stone.  For years, Hubby and I had been working on building and repairing our credit, so to hear that we were finally eligible for a home loan was a huge relief.  But, then we had to think about how much we could actually afford.  What type of home we wanted.  Where we wanted to live.  

And, I will say right now that making those decisions are some of the hardest decisions a couple can make together.  I said many times during the whole ordeal that finding a new home would either make or break my relationship with Hubby.

When I liked something, he didn't.  When he liked something, I didn't.  I had a list of requirements, he had a list of requirements...and those requirements put together, according to our realtor, would be almost impossible to find.

He wanted a house in the country, a little land, seclusion.  I wanted at least four bedrooms.  He wanted to be closer to his work, I wanted to be closer to mine...and we work in opposite directions.  

We looked at several houses.  Nothing really meshed with either of us.  

After some searching and coming up short, my realtor finally asked us to at least look at a few homes that happen to be in the city limits.  She explained that with our budget and our requirements, there just wasn't anything on the market for us out in the country.  Land is super expensive, and just having a couple of acres really jacked up the prices on some of the houses we looked at.  She told us that if we took our search in to city limits, we'd get a lot more bang for our buck.  I couldn't care less about being in town or out of town...Hubby was the tough cookie to break on that one.  But, it was important to both of us to find a house that was "move in ready".  We didn't want to spend a lot of money fixing a house up.  So, he reluctantly agreed to look at the houses she had picked out for us.

On a Sunday afternoon, she set up three showings all in the same town.  Three different houses.  All with four bedrooms.  All on the outskirts of town.  All with almost an acre of land.  The best she could do with our requirement list.  

House number one was super cute, but super small.  The majority of the square footage went in to the bedrooms.  They were all of decent size, but the living room and kitchen were so small, it would be hard to fit our family in either all at the same time. 

House number three was also super cute, but very oddly laid out.  An extension had been added on at some point, at it was just weird the way the living room and bedrooms were set up.  There was an enormous backyard with a pool, except the pool was open to the backyard without any fencing around it.  Also, the house was about $10,000 more than the other two houses.

House number two was the ONE.  I knew it the minute I stepped in the front door.  2434 sq. feet.  New laminate flooring.  A huge living and dining area.  Beautiful kitchen.  Four decent sized bedrooms.  A huge backyard AND front yard.  A fenced in pool.  A pool house.  Nothing behind the house but open land.  A country feel, inside city limits. Everything we wanted and more.  Even Hubby had to admit when we left that he really liked the house.  And the price was right in our budget.

Even though Hubby liked the house, it took a little bit of convincing.  He was so worried about the strain a mortgage would have on us.  He worried about if we were ready for home ownership.  We hummed and haad over it for days...until I finally put my foot down and said we had to make a decision.  And we did.  We put an offer in, counter offered back and forth for a couple of days, and then we finally received word that they had agreed to our terms and the house would be ours.

Moving in to our new home ranks right up there as one of the happiest days of my life.  The kids finally had their own rooms.  We finally had a home to be proud of.  A wonderful gift of new furniture from P-Momma was icing on the cake.  For the first time since moving out of my parents' house, I was HOME.

Since moving in, we have had some wonderful times.  Having the pool was a big help during the summer.  The kids had a blast with it, as did I.  I've invited friends over, something I never did in my old house.  I love sitting out on the patio with my coffee, or relaxing on the couch in front of the TV.  I feel comfortable here.  

We've had a few minor issues since moving in.  We had problems with the shower in our bathroom, and it's had to be repaired.  Twice.  Our AC went out, but luckily only required a very inexpensive part to fix it.  We had a water pipe break a couple of weeks ago, and again this week...that Hubby has fixed both times. But, I knew that we were bound to run in to a few snares here and there.  The house is 30 years old... so I'm just thankful that the problems have been minor.  

One thing that I'm extremely thankful for, is the fact that I will once again be able to host Thanksgiving dinner for my family...and them actually wanting to come.  Holding a major holiday get-together means a lot to me.  I got to host July 4th here, and my family all had a great time.  To know that I'll get to do it again for Thanksgiving is a huge deal for me...and I'm so thankful that our new home will be a big part of that.

At the end of the day, we may not have extra money to play around with.  We may have a few issues here and there that have to be fixed.  But, neither hold a candle to the happiness our new home brings to me.  

I have worked hard to achieve home ownership.  I searched for the house that I could feel at home in.  And I found it.  

I look forward to the memories that are yet to be made in our home.  First Thanksgiving.  First Christmas.  Sleepovers.  Dinner parties.  Pool parties.  Barbecues.  And at some point, my children will start to move away and hopefully come back and visit with significant others and grandchildren.  

My home has barely skimmed the surface at the memories that will be created here.  

I am thankful for the memories that have already been created, and excited for those yet to come.

This house will be something I owe a lot of thanks to in the future, I just know it.

Day Six: So Thankful For My Blog

                   

Last night, I came home from work, and was greeted by Hubby who had some news for me.  There is a leak somewhere under our house, again, and we don't have water.  

Awesome..

This is the second leak of its kind in the past few weeks.  Which means that this leak is either a brand new leak, or the new pipe that was installed from the last leak somehow broke or came free.

Either way, it sucks.  Big time.  Water is kinda a necessity.  It takes care of showering people after having a long day at work and school.  It takes care of washing dishes.  It takes care of cooking and brushing teeth and, very importantly:  My coffee!

It's amazing how much you miss something when you don't have it.  You start to feel dirty, even though it's been less than 24 hours since you last showered.  You start to crave things that require water in the preparation.  And you start to panic that there won't be any coffee.

Thankfully, Hubby took care of buying a few gallons of water to help us with the minor stuff...but it doesn't really help the shower situation.  The thought of not taking a shower before work gives me the heeby geebies, and we may just have to suck up wasting some water while I take a shower, because I just don't think I can get through the day knowing that I'm showerless.

But, thankfully, which is what these posts are supposed to be about....thankfulness...I can come right here and let out all of my frustration about the situation.  Because one thing I am very thankful to have in my life is my blog.

This little chunk of the internet that's carved out especially for me.

This is actually one of three blogs that I write.  I have this blog that I write daily.  I have a weight loss blog that started out here, then moved somewhere else once I gave up trying to lose weight and then decided to start trying again.  I don't post there very often, but at least once a week I get on there to check in with my weight and such.  And I also have a private blog that contains all the stuff I want to write about but wouldn't dare share with the rest of the world.  Not exactly deep, dark secrets, but stuff that plays on my mind that I just don't think is appropriate to tell everybody.

I don't write there very often, because for the most part I'm an open book and just someone that's OK sharing my life.  The good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between.

I started this blog in March of 2009, but it wasn't until May of 2010 that it became a part of my daily life.  For a little over a year, I dabbled with blogging.  I posted here and there.  Mostly about weight loss, at the time, but over the course of the year I discovered that this blog can be so much more than a place I just record information.

Writing has always been a passion of mine.  It has been a long lived dream that I would one day write a book.  About what, I don't know, but I've always said that I'd like to write a book.  If you think about it, it's kinda what I've been doing for the past three years.  Writing my own biography.  

I've often wondered how on earth I manage to come here almost every single day for three years straight and still find stuff to write about.  But, I do.  It's not always interesting.  It's not always funny or uplifting.  Sometimes, it can be downright boring.  Yet, I have to do it.  It's a part of my daily routine.  Without writing my blog each day, I feel lost.  It's how I prepare for my day, leaving all my past troubles on the table to start off new.

I've gone through different levels of reasons why I blog.  I went through a phase where my blog was just a record of my weight loss.  I went through a phase where I wanted my blog to be an outlet of support for other people trying to lose weight.  I went through wanting people to read my blog, for my blog to be "out there" in the blogging community.  Stuff like how many followers I had, where my blog listed on blogging lists, how many blog rolls my blog appeared on were things that were important to me.  I wrote for other people as well as myself.

But, I soon realized that I didn't really give a flying flip what other people thought.  If people were interested in my life and wanted to read what I had to say, great!  If not, then I was writing for the sake of writing.  Because I loved writing.  Because I was creating a life record, preserving memories, and releasing pent up stress that could only be released through my fingers.

I am truly and utterly convinced that my life would be a lot different, and would have been a lot more stressful if it wasn't for my blog.  It's my therapy, and a lot cheaper than telling all this stuff to a complete stranger for $150 an hour.  My way of dealing with stress is often with humor.  I like to find the funny in tough situations, even if I have to dig really deep.  Somehow, writing offers me that option.  I'm probably a lot less funny than I think I am, but I can often read back over some of my toughest blog posts and laugh a little...at least crack a smile.  I realize that even when I thought I was in a dark place, I was able to make a few jokes out of it, put a funny twist on it.  And, if I'm able to do that, I realize that it can't be really all that bad.

So, today, when life has thrown yet another curve ball, another tough situation that has to be tackled, it helps me appreciate and be thankful for my blog.

How long I will keep it up, I don't know.  But after three years of faithful blogging, I have no desire to slow down.  I have no inclining to stop writing.  As long as I can get up and go about my day, there will be something to write about.  Some days are more interesting than others, but everything I write about has some purpose...to me.

Thank you Blog!  For being a friend.  A counselor.  An outlet for my sometimes crazy, whacky thoughts.  A place I feel free of judgement.  Where I can pretty much say whatever I want.

And will continue saying whatever I want.  

Just not anymore today.

Day Five: Thankful for My Parents

                        

This photo is a couple of years old, but it's my most favorite photo with my parents.  It's also the most recent photo I have with my parents, which reminds me that I should get more pictures with them during the holidays this year.

Today, I am very thankful for the two people in that picture with me.  My mom and dad.  

That picture was taken on the day of my graduation, and you can see the pride in their eyes.  It was a day that meant so much to me.  After years of struggling and battling to achieve a life long dream, my parents stood by my side supporting me.  And that in itself is something to be very thankful for.

Yesterday, I got to be thankful for my children, and I explained that as a parent I don't believe my children owe me any thanks for bringing them in to this world.  It was my choice, and so my duty to make sure they were happy with their lives.  As their mother it was my job to owe them that, not their job to be grateful for it.

But, even with everything I did say yesterday, I am still very thankful that these two people are my parents.  

My parents instilled in to me the same values and dedication I have towards my children as they showed me.  They taught me how to love unconditionally.  They taught me that raising children is a lot harder than I ever thought, and made me realize that they made it look easy because they did what they could to shield the hardships.  They worked their behinds off so that my siblings and I could have a good life...and it was never our jobs to worry about money or paying bills.  They did what they could to make sure we were comfortable, happy, and healthy.

My parents taught me the value of hard work.  I had my first job when I was ten or eleven years old, delivering newspapers.  And even though my mother was less than thrilled that her child would get up at the butt crack of dawn to go out and do that job, it was allowed so that I could get a glimpse of what responsibility and hard work could do for me.

They spoiled us rotten without realizing that we were being spoiled.  We always had the latest and greatest toys and electronics.  Yet, the minute we stepped out of line, we were introduced to hours of manual labor and loss of our privileges.  No fancy toys and electronics for us if we couldn't follow the rules.  We were given consequences to our actions, and were taught how to care and be responsible for our belongings.  If our toys were left strewn all over the floor or house, they were quickly confiscated until we could show more responsibility.

My parents are the people that my students can thank for my motto "Getting by isn't good enough, I expect the best that you've got.  Always."  My parents never settled for "getting by".  I was upheld to strict grade requirements, because they knew what I was capable of.  My school work was important.  My grades were important.  And they never believed in bribery to get me to do well, it was expected.  Period.  I think back now to times when I showed my parents my all A report cards and getting no money, no celebrations, no parties.  I was always given a "of course" statement instead.  Which isn't a bad thing.  It sure did help me realize my potential, and made me understand that the gift of realizing my own potential was the prize in all of it.

I know it may be hard to believe, but I wasn't always the perfect child.  

I remember the one and only time I ever stole from my parents.  I stole money from them.  Money they had put aside to pay bills with.  And, it didn't take long for them to break me in order to find out.  I have never been a good liar.  I cracked under the pressure in minutes.  I fessed up.  And, it wasn't anger or yelling or screaming that scorched my heart and fended me off from ever stealing again.  It was the look of utter shock and disappointment in my parents' eyes after I caved.  

And, it wouldn't be the last time I saw such a look.

Even though I never stole from my parents ever again, I still did my share of bad behaviors.  The whole time thinking that they were mean or too strict or had too many rules.  What I failed to realize, and learned the hard way, was that those rules were in place for a very good reason.  To protect me.  To prevent harm.  To assure that I stayed on the straight and narrow.

I failed at learning their lessons the easy way, but I got through them.

During those rough times, I learned very valuable lessons that have forever been instilled in to me.  

But no matter how much I hurt my parents, or pushed them away, or made them feel unloved....they were always there for me.  To pick up the pieces of my mistakes.  To help me learn from those mistakes.  To help me repair the damage that I had done.

One of the most heartbreaking sights I have ever seen is the look of utter disappointment and heartbreak in my father's eyes.  To stand before him, after months of bad behavior, running away from home, breaking every rule ever set before me, and to see so much pain that he couldn't look me in the eye will forever haunt me.  It took a long time to repair the damage I had done, but I was able to do it.  And when the day came where he was finally able to overcome all that I had done to him, take me back in to his arms and tell me that he had forgiven me, I swore that I would NEVER do anything to disappoint him again.

And that's not to say that I haven't had the same look from my mother, but she's always been the easier one.  She somehow has a gift of forgiving and moving on like nothing ever happened.  Something else that I am so thankful for to this day.  Because I am convinced that had it not been for my mom's forgiveness, the relationship with my father would not have repaired itself.

So, I stand firm on my belief that children don't owe their parents any thanks for being put on this earth.  But, parents are deserving of thanks when they have been drug through the ringer of heartbreak.

Thankfully, the good times highly outweigh the bad times.  In my 31 years on this earth, I've only given my parents major grief through a couple of those years.  My late teen years.  That's it.  But, that was enough.  

For the rest of the time, I have been extremely close with my parents.  

My mom is my best friend.  She is the person that I call just to chat.  She's the person I turn to when I need someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on.  She is the person I call with questions about my children, being a mother, and taking care of my family.

My dad is...well... my dad.  I honestly don't have the words to describe the love I have for him.  I know that he will always be there when I need him.  He is my protector.  My hero in a way.  He will do anything for his children, and he has a gift of being a man of few words that can say so much.

I am so happy that I am so close with my parents.  I will never have to look back and regret not getting to spend enough time with them, creating memories with them.  They have always been and will always be important to me.  A solid part of my life.  

And for that, I am extremely thankful.

Day Four: A Guy That Loves Me and is Willing to Put Up With Me

                               

It's Day Four of my Thirty Days of Thankful.  That means we're four days in to November, only 24 days until Thanksgiving.  Only 51 days until Christmas!  Crazy, right?

Today, I'm thankful for the guy in that photo.  A guy that has loved me for eight years.  And still manages to put up with me.

That in itself is a lot to be thankful for.  Just him putting up with me.  I'm not an easy person to live with.  I can be moody and whiny and demanding and... well, that's enough.  Just him being able to live through those moods, and still come out the other side with me is a lot to be thankful for.

When they say that opposites attract, they are definitely talking about Hubby and I.  Who exactly "they" are I don't know...but Hubby and I are like chalk and cheese.  We are the most opposite people you can get from each other.  Which somehow works for us.

Hubby is quiet and anti-social.  He loathes social gatherings, and would rather stick hot pokers in his eyes than attend functions with large groups of people.  He's perfectly content sitting at home, by himself, playing video games all day.

I am loud and very social.  I loathe sitting at home doing nothing, and crave being around people.  I not only love going to, but I also love throwing social get-togethers.  And, I'd rather stick hot pokers in my eyes than spend an entire day in front of the TV watching it or playing any form of video game.

Hubby is extremely organized, almost to the point of having OCD about it.  He hates clutter or disorganization.  One way I was able to convince Hubby to buy our new house was by promising to leave all the clutter behind.  He promptly puts everything and anything away that needs to be put away, and one of his biggest pet peeves is clean laundry being left in baskets. 

I am not organized and I create clutter.  It's not uncommon for me to pile stuff up on about every surface, and then spend time trying to pilfer through the piles trying to find something I'm looking for.  I would LOVE to be organized, I just don't have the knack for it.  And, it's not uncommon for me at all to do laundry and leave the clothes in baskets for a couple of days...until I get around to putting it away.

Hubby loves to cook.  I don't.

Hubby loves the latest and greatest gadgets.  I couldn't care less.

My idea of romance is going out for a dinner, maybe some dancing, and spending time away from the house together.  Hubby's idea of romance is him cooking, us staying home, and sitting in front of the TV and watching a movie.

I think that showing affection involves hugs and kisses and holding hands.  Hubby shows affection by... well....none of those things.  Hubby doesn't really do much affection.  I couldn't tell you the last time we just sat snuggled together or held hands while out and about.  He kisses me goodbye, sometimes, when he leaves and he tells me he loves me when we hang up phone from talking to each other.  That's about as good as it gets.

Holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas are my most favorite times of the year.  Hubby would be perfectly content letting those days pass by completely unnoticed.

Hubby downright refuses to even acknowledge Valentine's Day, and it's a big stretch to get him to be OK with us highlighting Father's Day or his birthday.  I have given up on Valentine's Day, but I refuse to let him take away Mother's Day or my birthday.  He is responsible for making sure my kids buy me something on those days, but that's about as much as I can get out of him.

We disagree about almost everything...religion, politics, social media, etc.  He has a knack of disagreeing with just about anything I have an opinion on, actually.  No matter what it is, he's heard of it, tried it, or has some connection to it.  Rarely do I have an idea about anything that works for him... he'll find a way to disagree with it somehow.  Which drives me INSANE!  

And, I could keep going with this.  On and on and on and on.

Yet, somehow, we still love each other.  We are still best friends.  We still talk about everything.  

We put up with each other's quirks.  We NEVER fight...and I mean never.  Disagree all the time, but never to the point where there are any harsh words or tempers flaring.  We have learned how to live with the personalities of each other, and we are firm believers in talking out our problems rather than sitting on them and letting them fester.

In the eight years that we've been together, there has been only one real rocky patch...and that was when we were deciding on whether or not to buy our new house.  And even though we were on completely opposite sides of the fence, and both at our breaking points, neither raised our voices.  It came down to not talking for a few days, to give each other space and time to think, and we were able to sit down and hash out our differences weighing both sides of the argument.  Obviously, I was the one to come out victorious in that situation, but it wasn't an easy win.

Hubby worries a lot about financial comfort.  It means a lot to him to not have to live paycheck to paycheck.  He is structured and responsible with money.  So, it must be a nightmare to live with someone who's willing to take a risk with a very large chunk of money, content with living paycheck to paycheck if our basic needs are covered.  I look at the big picture, the future.  He lives in the here and now.

Again, more of our opposite personalities right there.

But, at the end of the day, I couldn't imagine my life without him.  We both accept each other's differences and embrace them.  I have never met a more patient man, and he truly brings out the best in me.  He is a loving father, and does everything he can to support our children.  He's not the most affectionate person, but I've grown to understand his way of showing affection.  And it works for me.

I don't know how many times this man could have walked away from us.  I probably drive him completely insane with as much stuff I force on him that he hates doing.  But, he does it.  Whatever I ask.  No matter how much he hates doing it... if he knows it's important to me, he'll suck it up and do it.  And I really don't think he knows how much it means to me.

So, today, I am thankful for Hubby.  Thankful that he's in my life.  Thankful that he loves me.  Thankful that he's the father of my children.  And most importantly...thankful that he's willing to put up with me.

Have a great Monday, everyone!

Thirty Days of Thankful: Day Three... My Children

                     

My original plan with this thirty days of thankful thing was to hold off on doing the really obvious ones until later in the month.  But, then I started thinking that people would think I'm doing them in order of importance....and I don't want people thinking that my kids, family, and Hubby are not very important to me.  So, I figure it just safer to go ahead and get the really important ones done first.

So, today, I am thankful for my children.

Creating life is a blessing and a miracle.  Being able to know that I gave life to three wonderful and amazing children is a very awesome feeling.  One thing I never want to take for granted is how thankful I am to have them in my life.

I have heard other parents say, and even been guilty of telling my kids, how thankful they should be to their parents ... because we were the ones that put them on this earth.  But, the truth is, it should be the other way around.  They had no say in the matter.  They didn't ask for it.  So I should spend each and every day showing them how thankful I am to have them in my life.

They are my gifts.  My creations.  And should be taken care of accordingly.  

They owe me nothing.  I chose to bring them here, it's my responsibility to ensure that their life is filled with joy, happiness, and love.

But, each and every day, they fill me with more joy, happiness, and love than I could ever imagine.  How a person can hold so much love for three people is absolutely incredible.  

These three little bundles of happiness have taught me more in the few years they've been on this planet than I could ever imagine teaching them.  I often thought it was a parent's duty to teach them right from wrong, good from evil, happiness from sadness, morals, ethics, honesty, responsibility, and how to show true love.

But I was wrong.

They ended up teaching me those things.  Or should I say, a deeper level to those things that I didn't know existed.

From the minute my Peanut was handed to me on the delivery table, something released in my heart.  A feeling so strong and powerful, that it took the wind right out of me.  A combination of happiness, fear, excitement, and unconditional love.  I knew in that instant that I would devote my life to protect this beautiful little angel that I held in my arms.  I would shield her from harm.  I would kiss every scrape and boo-boo.  I would hold her when she cried.  I would hold her when she laughed.  And she would forever on, from that moment, be my baby.  The most important thing to ever come in to my life.

Just a mere eleven months later, I lay on another delivery table.  And worried.  How on earth would I be able to feel such elation and feelings that I had felt the first time around?  But, I did.  The exact same, heart racing, tear inducing, overwhelming sense of emotions surged through my body as my little boy lay in my arms.

It didn't change any of the feelings I had for Peanut, the feelings were just doubled.

And, then six years later, I would discover that the feelings I had felt twice over were about to be tripled.  Another beautiful baby girl was laid in to my arms....and the explosion of emotions were there again.  Once again, intensifying, not replacing any that were felt before.

I have often heard women explain their reasoning for only having one or two children being that they only have so much love in their heart, and they don't want to have to "share" it among too many children.  

Well, I can account that there is absolutely NO sharing of love between my children.  Each child just grew my love.  Made more of it.  A mother's heart knows no bounds.  There is always room for more love.

For the past thirteen years, I've tried my best to be the best mother I could be.

It hasn't always been easy.  I haven't always made the best decisions.  I have sacrificed to provide for them.  I have fought hard to give them a good life.  Often mistaking possessions as a sign of love.  It took me a while to realize that spending time with them is a lot more meaningful than the latest and greatest video game.  It took me a while to realize that my children wouldn't hate me if they didn't get everything they asked for, and that all they really wanted was a mother who was there when they went to school, there when they came home, and was the one to put them to bed.

I spent the first few years of Peanut and Butter's life raising them alone.  I did everything in my power to ensure a comfortable roof over their heads, clothes on their back, and food in their tummies.  I worked long hours, sometimes only being home long enough to feed them dinner and get them in to bed.  But, you can bet your bottom dollar than when my days off rolled around, the last thing I thought about was sleeping or missing out on making every moment with them count.

Jelly came along in the beginning of my pursuit of my teaching degree.  I was in school full time, working full time, and had a newborn baby to take care of.  Yes, I had help.  But, I made darned sure that I was the first person she saw whenever she woke up.  I got up during the middle of the night to feed her.  I stayed up as late as I needed to until she went to sleep.  In order to spend a little extra time with her, I would read her the notes I was taking from my text books as she laid in my arms.  

It was tough.  But, I always reminded myself that she expected her mother to be there for her.  She was too young to understand that I was busy, or tired, in the middle of a project that required both hands.

Unfortunately, that extra attention I spent on Jelly did come at the price of the extra attention Peanut and Butter needed.  They were older, and I stupidly rationalized that they'd had their turn at being the babies...and I had to do what I had to do with Jelly.

It didn't take long to realize, however, the mistake I was making...and my focus was able to switch to ensure that all three of my children got Momma as much as I could give her to them.

Except, unfortunately, it was a little too late for Butter. 

He'd been having issues in school.  He was acting out.  He was screaming for my attention, and I didn't notice the warning signs.  I had done exactly what I swore I would never do... put myself before him.

The few years that followed were some of the hardest years I've ever had in my entire life.  And I'd gone through an abusive relationship and being homeless.  Neither held anything to the heartbreak that I went through in those few years with Butter.

My poor boy had fallen through the cracks.  What I saw as bad behavior was a child that was just screaming for his mom.  Just wanted to be noticed.  Just wanted to be heard, be held, and be important to me.

And during those few years, I learned more from my children than I could ever teach them in a hundred lifetimes.

I discovered that I really hadn't done anything wrong.  Not really.  My attention towards him, or lack thereof, wasn't the cause of his behaviors.  The harsh, heartbreaking outbursts and aggression didn't stem from me being a bad mother.  As much as I blamed myself, I later learned that there really wasn't anything I could have done that would have prevented anything that happened from happening.

I had a child with a mental illness.  

For four very long years, Butter saw countless doctors, tried countless medications, went to a special school, yet nothing helped.  I felt like a failure.  No matter what I did, or what we tried, his anger grew more intense.  He would say the most nasty things to me.  He would threaten physical harm.  He would destroy things in the house.  He tried countless times to run away from home.  

Finally...when the entire family was close to the breaking point...we were able to find a place Butter would get the help he so desperately need.  It meant being away from Butter for a couple of months.  He had to go to a hospital.  He had to get the help he needed.  And I can tell you right now, the pain and suffering I went through the years prior didn't hold a candle to the pain and suffering I went through when I was told that I could only see my child one hour a week and speak to him on the phone for 10 minutes every other night.

It was during that time I started to understand his illness.  I also started to learn the cost it had delivered to both Peanut and Jelly, too.  They had been forced to the sidelines for a lot of that time, watching and waiting for things to just go back to normal.  To have a normal life.  A normal family.  

Peanut had spent a great deal of time being the back-up mother.  She had taken care of Jelly's needs. She had spent evenings showering her, getting her fed, and getting her to sleep while I was busy tending to the needs of Butter.  She never complained.  She just did what she felt was right to do.  

When Butter finally came home, I swore at that moment that moving forward I would be a better mother to all of my children.  I would be there for them.  I would do everything in my power to ensure that one child never felt more loved than the other.  

Peanut would no longer play the back-up mom.  She would have her own life.  Her own time.  We would make time to talk, for her to share about her day, for her and I to have our own time together.  Butter would no longer scream for attention.  He would also have time to tell me about his day, to do the things he enjoyed doing, and to have our own time together.  Jelly would go back to falling asleep on me at night, be tucked in to bed by me, and to play games and laugh with me.

And these past three years, that's exactly how it's been.

It has been very important to me to give as much of myself to my children as possible.  The older two kids play sports.  I attend almost every game.  The youngest tags along excited by her future plans to follow in their footsteps.  They spend time with friends and family.  I drive them here, there and everywhere so that they can enjoy the things they like to do.  

This year, I got to hold Peanut through her first heartbreak.  While I thought in the back of my mind that she was too young to be dealing with such things, holding her in my arms made me realize that it was very real.  As she cried, I held her.  We spent a few days talking, and me holding her until she cried herself to sleep.  And even though my heart broke for her, I also realized that this is one of the many duties I will gladly do for my child.  She will never be too old to cry in my arms.  Sleep right next to me. And for me to do everything in my power to take the pain away...even if it's just sitting there with her so she doesn't have to be alone.

This year, I got to hold Butter through his first sports injury.  As he lay on the hospital bed, terrified about what the outcome was going to be with his broken arm, I held him in my arms, stroked his head, and assured him that everything was going to be OK.  At a moment where fear and pain were taking over, I was there to comfort him, hold him in my arms.  I was the last person he saw before they put him to sleep, and I was the first person he saw when he woke up.  

This year, I got to hold Jelly through several nights of her crying about not wanting to go to school.  This year she started kindergarten, and for whatever reason, she didn't take to it too well.  We spent the first couple of weeks going through crying at bedtime, nightmares, and crying to get on the bus the next day.  It was a heartbreaking ordeal.  But I held her in my arms.  I told her everything would be OK. I was the last person she saw before she got on the bus, and I was there when she got off the bus.  I made her tell me about all the wonderful things she did at school that day.  And we finally got through it, and now she absolutely loves school.

I could not ask for more wonderful, loving, and caring children than the three that live in my house.  The ups, the downs, the good and the bad have all taught me very valuable lessons.  And, I'm still not a perfect mother.  I still learn from them each and every day.  As they continue to grow and change, so do the lessons that they provide to me.

I am a better person for having these three angels in my life.  My life is better.  I just couldn't imagine life without them.

And for that.... I am truly thankful.

Thirty Days of Thankful...Day One & Two

                            

November is finally here, and it's right up there as one of my most favorite months.  The leaves are all changing to the most beautiful of colors.  The weather is getting a lot cooler, and jackets and sweaters start to make their comeback.  And, my second favorite holiday comes around....the one that really drives in how thankful I am to have such a wonderful family.  

Which is why, November is a perfect month to do a series of blog posts all about the things that I'm thankful for.  Thirty Days of Thankful.  

I'm sure you've seen the little posts popping up all over Facebook.  I'm participating in that...and I'm also participating in the Instagram 30 Days of Thankful, too.  Then, I get to come here and completely explain why I'm thankful for the things I pick.  Sounds like a lot of fun to me!!

So, I didn't get to start yesterday morning, so I'm rolling Days 1 & 2 together for this post.

DAY ONE & TWO:  I AM THANKFUL FOR MY WONDERFUL JOB AND THE AWESOME PEOPLE I GET TO WORK WITH.

Let's start with my job....

In my very strong opinion, being a teacher is one of the most rewarding, emotional, heartbreaking, hilarious, creative, exhausting, energetic, and fun jobs on the planet.  And it's all of those things EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

It's the only job I've ever had that can make me go from extremely happy to extremely mad to extremely excited to extremely sad to extremely EXHAUSTED in a matter of a few hours.  And, it's happened, much more than you'd think.  The emotional rollercoaster that a teacher can ride in one day is exhilarating and terrifying all rolled in to one.  There have been so many days that I've laughed till I've cried and cried till I've laughed.  And it's not because of the teaching part most of the time, but because of having so many demands that aren't written in the neat curriculum document that's given to us at the beginning of each year. 

And another perk of being a teacher is the exposure I get to working in different fields.  I wear so many hats at work, that it's sometimes hard to remember that I'm "just a teacher".  I am a parent (to children I didn't give birth to), a nurse, a counselor, a maid, a financial advisor, a coach, an administrative assistant, a detective, a scientist, and a janitor.  Daily.  How many other jobs do you know that you get to be so many awesome things?  And I'm sure there are some that I'm forgetting.

It's amazing how many times I've heard in my one and a half years of teaching how easy teaching is.  How thankful I should be to have such an "easy" job.  I still get a good laugh when someone tells me I should be thankful for so much time off, such short work hours, and so much flexibility in what I can do each day.

Well, wherever that's written in my contract, I've yet to find it or receive any such "perks".

Now, I can't complain about the time off.  I work 180 "contract" days a year.  That's less than half the year.  I don't have to go in to work on weekends or major holidays.  I don't have to go to work for about 8 weeks in the summer.  And that part really is awesome.  But, not many people know about the working from home days.  I may not be in the classroom on the weekends, but I'm working for most of those days.  I may not have to work major holidays, but I'm still spending several hours of those holidays working on something to do with my classroom.  And in the summer, I may get several weeks off... but last summer I think I had about two weeks off that I didn't spend one bit of time worrying about lesson plans or getting my classroom ready.

Which rolls right in to the "short" work hours.  I arrive at school at 7AM each and every day.  And if I get out of school before 5PM any day, I consider it an "early night".  More than half the school year, I am in my classroom until close to 6PM each evening preparing for the next day or getting paperwork done or  talking to my team about tests that are coming up or deadlines that we have.  So, on average, I work about 10 hours a day.  Not exactly what I consider "short" hours.

Lastly, there's not as much flexibility in the classroom as many people think there is.  Sure, I can teach how I want to teach, but I have to teach what I have to teach.  There's standards and pacing guides and deadlines that I have to follow, and time management is crucial.  If I don't get to something in a day, then I better figure out a way to fit it in somewhere else.  There's so many projects and creative ideas I get and would love to put in to my teaching, but time just doesn't allow for all of them.  Pinterest is great for teachers....to dream about.  I have tons of ideas on my Pinterest boards that I'd like to somehow incorporate in to my classroom, but the cold truth is that most of them will probably never see the light of day.  Maybe after I've been teaching a few years, I will discover the secret to how so many teachers are able to come up with and use those wonderful ideas.  But, I'm not there.  Yet.

But, putting all those misconceptions to the side, I wouldn't trade a single one of them to do anything else.  And, I'm perfectly content with people continuing to think that stuff about teachers. Because with those misconceptions come so many more that people aren't aware of.  The real meat and potatoes of doing what I do.

I didn't become a teacher to teach.  Or write lesson plans.  Or grade papers.  I became a teacher so that I could impact the lives of kids.  I can't say how that impact will take place, because each child has their own unique situation and set of needs that I need to hone in on.  But, I consider it the biggest perk and challenge of my job to find out what it is I can do for each student in my classroom, and make it happen.  The needs could be building up their confidence or their self esteem, just giving them a place to feel safe, challenging them to do something they never thought they were capable of, being a shoulder to cry on, giving them their own goals and inspirations, and the list could go on and on.

You all know that I could write an entire book on why I love my job.  The teacher part and because of where I get to teach.  That has a MAJOR influence on why I absolutely, 100%, wouldn't trade my job for anything in the world.  The kids I get to work with each and every day make it what it is.  And I just couldn't picture myself doing anything else ANYWHERE else.  

I live right across the street from a school.  Literally.  When I look at my front window, the view is of an elementary school.  Yet, I just couldn't ever imagine even flirting with the idea of trying to get a job there.  Because it wouldn't be the same.  It wouldn't be the same kids.  And it wouldn't be the same people I work with now.

Which is a great move-in to Day Two:  The people I work with.

I have worked in a few schools since starting my path to becoming a teacher 6 and a half years ago.  During that time, I made a few solid connections with other teachers.  I observed their teaching styles, I learned from them, I took note of their interactions with students and other faculty.  Yet, I can honestly say that in those 6 1/2 years and the half dozen schools I've spent time in, I have NEVER made the connections that I currently have with the people I work with.

I have one of the most supportive and encouraging teams I could ever ask for.  I work on a team of four teachers, which inherited the fourth member this year.  And, I've said this before, but we are like a little family of teachers.  

There's the strong willed "Papa Bear" teacher.  She is my mentor, and no matter what the situation is, I know that I can count on her to give me the advice I need EXACTLY how I need to hear it.  I know that she has my back, and will support me in whatever decisions I make when it comes to my classroom.  She challenges me each and every day to do what I think is best, and provides clear cut, no sugar coated advice on areas I need to focus on.  Others see her hard coating on the outside, but our little family also gets to see her warm, soft center.  She may let you know exactly what's on her mind, but she has such a warm heart.  I have teared up right along with her as she's shared stories of her teaching career, joyful moments, and why she continues to do it each and every day.  I absolutely LOVE her, and without her, my first year of teaching would not have been so wonderful.

Then, there's the tender hearted and kind "Mama Bear" teacher.  She is the poster board teacher of positivity and emanates pure, cheerful light wherever she goes.  She is the nurturer.  I've never heard a harsh word come out of her mouth, and when she laughs it makes your whole body warm up.  She is hilariously funny, and no matter how bad of a day I've had, I know that a few minutes with her will make it all better.  The care she has for her team is shown daily by the worries she often takes on for us.  She will do just about anything to help all us feel better, even if it means sacrificing her own happiness for a short while until she can get figure out the best way to help us all through.  I absolutely ADORE her, and without her, my first year of teaching would not have been so wonderful.

And, up until this year, I was the baby bear.  But, this year, I think it's more fitting that the "baby bear" roll goes to our new addition.  Last year, she was a 3rd grade teacher and this year she moved up to be with us.  She is, by far, the most sweet person I've met.  She came to us a little nervous, a little unsure of what the year had in store for her... and I can only hope she's as happy to be with us as we are to have her.  She balances our team out perfectly.  She is a Mama Bear in the making, and you won't ever hear a negative thing come out of her mouth.  Her love and kindness is apparent in the way she worries so much.  And that's not in a bad way.  She gives her whole heart to her students, and they are so very blessed to have her as a teacher.  Just as I am blessed to have her right across the hall from me.  She also has one of those addictive laughs that is true and contagious.  My only hope is that I get to know more about her as the year unfolds, because I absolutely LOVE working with her.

So, I guess that leaves me as the extra bear that's not involved in the well known story.. HA!  

My love of the people I work with doesn't just come from my team.  I also have an AMAZING administrative team.  My principal is one of the most devoted, caring, passionate people I have ever met.  Her love for her job and the children she gets to work with is apparent in everything she does.  She has created a culture in our school that boosts the students up, and gives them something to believe in.  She challenges the students to overcome any obstacles that may be in their way and truly makes them believe that they are capable of following their dreams...wherever they may lead to.  She also pushes me each and every day to continue doing what I'm doing, and to believe in myself.   

The assistant principal is new to our building this year, but he's not new to our school.  He taught in the school up until the year before I came, and so everyone knows him.  I don't.  Not really.  But, the limited amount of interactions I've had with him has been enough to know that he's also a perfect fit to our school.  He's always been there to help me out when I needed it, and I never feel intimidated to talk to him and share what I have to say.  

The rest of the faculty and staff are just as awesome, but there's just no way I can sit here and write about all of them.  I can just say that I am blessed to be in the same building with them, and working along side them.

OK, if you haven't been able to grasp why I'm thankful for my job and the people I work with by now, then I don't think I'll ever be able convey my message.  This is quite a post...but there are two days worth of writing here.  

I better get to getting, though, because I've got plenty of work to keep me busy today.

Have an awesome Saturday, everyone.  And be thankful.  For something.

Halloween Review....And Other Friday Things

                                

How stinkin' cute are we?

Yep.  That's my team...and a student teacher... and we were dominoes for Halloween.  You can't really see the entire costume, but each of us have an assortment of dots on our legs as well.  We wore white t-shirts under our black shirts to make the separation between the two numbers.  The 3rd grade teachers also dressed up as dominoes, so our entire hallway was coordinated.  I just wish we'd gotten a picture of all of us together.

We also had several 4th grade students that dressed up as dominoes with us.  It was awesome to give the kids a quick and easy costume idea, and it was even cuter being that we had some coordination among the classes.

My kids all looked great for school...

Here's Peanut's "deranged doll":

                         

Freaky, right?

And here's Butter's girl costume:

                         

He looked really cute, but because he didn't like people laughing at him (which was kind of the point), he was out of the costume by lunch time.  

And, finally, my little Bunny...

                         

This is probably the first and only costume she's ever worn that didn't result in whining and crying about "itching" or bothering her somehow.  She just loved the tail, and thought it was awesome that her pants were furry just like a real bunny.

Because of the rain, the kids weren't able to do their Halloween Parade when school started.  The tradition is that all the grades K-6 walk downtown to "parade" for anyone that chooses to be downtown to see the kids all dressed up.  The business owners hand out candy to the kids as they walk by.  

The decision was made pretty early to cancel the walk, and the primary school children were sent on to their own school, rather than stay at the elementary (which was the original plan).  I was sad when the sun decided to come out by 10AM, though,  

Because there was no parade, it was business as usual at school.  I have to say, for my kids (students) being pretty disappointed about having to miss the parade, they had no problem just doing our regular schedule.  They took the opportunity to study for their math test today.  And during reading time, we played a few games of Sparkle and then they were given time to independently read.  

Thankfully, the weather was nice enough for them to have outside recess.  

After recess, the kids went on to their specials class, and then on to computer lab.  During this time, it was the jr. high dance....and that's exactly where I was.  One of the perks of being a Student Council sponsor is getting to attend the dances.  It worked out perfectly for me, because my kids were gone from 12:25 until 2:15 and the dance was from 1:15 to 3.  That meant I got to spend an hour with the kids "shaking my tail feathers".  

Once it was time to go and get my students, it was also time to begin their Halloween party.  My class brought SO MUCH stuff!! Just like last year.  I told them straight away that they would NOT be eating all of it, and that we would store some of it away for Friday afternoon snack times.  So, they divvied out some chips, snack cakes, cookies, and candy to eat while they watched a Halloween cartoon.  And that's how they spent the rest of the afternoon...eating and watching the movie.  

Once school was over, I didn't hang out for very long.  My own kids were excited about going Trick or Treating, so it was home for dinner and wait on my parents to arrive.  My mom had set it up that my parents would bring over my brother, sister, and all of their foster kids so that they could Trick or Treat with my kids.

That was all well and good, except having a dozen people living in a house means it takes FOREVER for them all to get ready.  They didn't make it to my house until 7:30PM, and by then I had some pretty cranky kids who had been ready to start their candy gathering about an hour earlier.  The crankiness quickly faded, however, and the kids were sent on their way.  My parents and I hung out at my house to wait for trick or treaters to arrive.

One of the perks about living in town, now, is the fact that the kids can go trick or treating and I don't have to drive them anywhere.  They can walk down the street and there are houses and small subdivisions all over.  Being that my 18 year old sister, her boyfriend, and my 16 year old brother were with the kids, they were well supervised so I felt better about them going off by themselves.  

Another perk I thought I was going to get living in town was handing out candy on Halloween night.  Our old house sat in the middle of nowhere, and nobody ever came trick or treating.  I felt that being in town, I was sure to get a few visits from neighborhood kids.  But, we sat and sat and sat some more... and not a single child came to my house.  

My house sits right across from the school, but it's also located right on the city limit.  Once you drive past my house, you start to move out of city limits and you have to be driving to get to the next set of houses.  My house also sits back quite a ways from the street, so unless you're looking for the house... it's pretty easy to miss.  We sat and watched a ton of cars drive by, and some even slow down, but I figure that nobody wanted to take the walk down our long driveway for a piece of candy.  So, the only trick or treaters I was able to give candy to were my own children, and all of my parents' kids.  

Even though I was a little disappointed, I did actually enjoy just sitting outside and chatting with my parents.  We haven't done something like that for a while.  

The kids finally made it home around 9PM, and they had a pretty good stash of loot.  Enough to last them a few days, anyway.  I can't stand it when Christmas time comes around and I'm having to throw out Halloween candy.  Thankfully, this year, I don't think I'll have to do that.

Shortly after the kids' return, my parents gathered up all their kids  and headed on home, and my children went straight to bed.  They were pretty wiped out from all the walking.

Today, we're having a fall festival.  Well, this afternoon.  This morning, our classes are normal but then this afternoon the entire school is participating in a class swap.  The 4th grade will start with their own classes, and then we'll get a 3rd grade class and send our class to another grade.  Then, I'll have a 7th grade class, then an 8th grade class.  We have them for about 30 minutes or so to do some kind of activity with them.  I would normally go for making some form of craft, or something that involves food. But, instead, I decided to go with playing games.  The 3rd grade will play Bingo and the jr. high kids will get to play Battle of the Sexes.  I figure it will be fun to put the girls up against the boys.

It should be a pretty fun way to end out the week.  

This weekend, there's nothing special planned...once again.  I have a ton of work to bring home...once again.  There's grocery shopping and cleaning and laundry to take care of...once again.  

P-Momma and I had talked last weekend about possibly going out one evening for a girl's night, but I'm not sure when we're going to do that.  I wouldn't mind doing it this weekend, just to get a way for a while, but we'll see.

One thing I think I'm going to add to my To-Do list this weekend is have the kids make their Christmas wish list, and start putting together a Christmas shopping list.  I usually like to have the majority of my Christmas shopping down before Thanksgiving.  Well, if I'm going to pull that off this year, I need to start thinking about what I need to buy.  

Other than that, it's business as usual in my house.

OK, it's time for me to wrap it up and start getting ready for work.  

Everyone have an AWESOME Friday!!