This evening has been very contemplative for me. I spent a great day with my family, got to meet my new baby niece, and life was good. Then I got home, and hubby had made what I like to call "heart attack on a plate" for dinner. I'm not going to go into recipe sharing - but dinner was LOADED in meat and fat...something I should of walked away from the moment I laid eyes on it. Did I? NO!! UGH!! I'm so mad at myself.
I find myself in these predicaments all to often. I eat something I shouldn't, don't even work out to make up for it, and then wallow on how stupid it was. I've completely slacked on my work-outs for over a week now, and I really have no excuses. I've spent the evening pondering over my awful photos - and rather than taking the initative of going to work out, I pouted about how horrible I feel and look.
This self loathing actually started this morning, but my mind was taken off of it by my visit with family - I relived my feelings this evening after getting onto the computer. I had a dream last night where I was surrounded by boyfriends from the past - and they all looked at me in a disgusted way. They couldn't believe I had let myself go so bad. When I woke up this morning, I realized that my dream was my inner conscience telling me that I didn't always look this way - and I need to do something about it NOW!!
I'm surprised at the way I feel. Yes, I've been unhappy with my weight for years now, but have I ever really gotten depressed over the way I look? No. Honestly, in the back of my mind I've always told myself - "quit eating this crap, Joanna, you're never going to lose weight" but the thought fluttered away after my tub of ice-cream vanished. Now I've moved to a state of horror and sadness at the sight of myself. Is this a good thing? I think it can be. Most addiction experts state that a person will not kick their addiction until they have hit rock bottom. Am I there? Have I finally fallen as far as I'm willing to fall? You know what - I think it has.
I'm going to work out - right now.