I Just Can't Love Being Overweight

Dear Diary...

Something has been eating at my mind since yesterday morning, and I just have to get it off my chest.  I can't stop thinking about it...so I just have to say what I gotta say and be done with it.  Yesterday morning, I saw a comment on my Facebook page from a person who left a link to an article she wanted me to read.  Her intentions with sharing the article were with genuine concern.  She is a person who obviously cares about a complete stranger - so I went straight to the article to have a read.

The article was written by an author who actually wrote a book on self-image.  She's got a few books under her belt, actually.  But the article wasn't about her books.  It was about self-image.  The article was Ten Rules for Fat Girls.  Being that the author made it very clear from her first paragraph that  "if you want to talk about how fabulous weight loss is you've got a whole internet to do it" I couldn't leave my comments on her blog.  So I figured I'd bring it to my piece of the internet. 

I will say that I don't want to bash this woman.  Her underlying message presented with this post is heartfelt, genuine, and true.  She wants women to love themselves for who they are, even if they are overweight.  No on can argue with that.  She then offers her "rules" as to how to love yourself as an overweight woman.  As I read each rule, I understood where she was coming from.  I understood her concern.  I agreed with most of them.  I also had my own opinions on what she had to say.  Make sure you read the article.  It will make a lot more sense with what I'm about to say.  So...that's what I'm going to do now...

1.  You Are Not Obligated to be Thin, Healthy, or Pretty.  I agree.  I don't think it's anyone's business about how I look.  If they don't like it, they don't have to look at me...simple.  She makes some valid points about not consorting to a set image that's instilled in to many people as being "normal".    I don't feel obligated to be thin.  It's a personal choice I'm making for myself.  I do feel I have an obligation to my family to be healthy.  I created my children and gave them the expectation that I'd be here for them to take care of them.  When it boils down to it, though, I don't want to be healthy just so I live longer.  I want to be healthy because I feel better when I'm healthy.  I can do more stuff... like being active.  I don't necessarily have to be thin to be healthy, I agree with that... but I know that many of my ailments would cease if I weighed less.  And I already think I'm pretty...so no qualms there.

2.  Don't Talk Sh*t About Your Body.  This is probably one of the hardest things for me not to do.  I talk a lot of sh*t about my body.  I refer to myself as fat.  Hello! Look at the title of my blog.  I do it not because I hate myself, I just hate the way I look.  I disagree with her mentality that a group of women talking about their weight loss journeys is a sign of body hating.  When I'm talking about my healthy food choices and the success I'm having with making those food choices, I look at it as a victory for myself - not a bash at how I hate myself.  I enjoy reading blogs about different weight loss journeys and have many conversations with weight loss minded people about the plans or programs they use.  I don't automatically feel like they are bashing themselves because they are sharing their ideas and plans.  I actually know of many women that would argue that their eating healthy is a sign of how much they love themselves.  They treat their body as a temple and take good care of it.  They love their body because of the healthy food that goes in.  I definitely don't get the feeling when I read their blogs that they hate themselves because they chose to count calories or only eat certain foods.

3.  Don't Talk Sh*t About Other People's Bodies.  I can't argue with this one at all.  I believe in the whole glass houses thing.  I'm not about to talk crap about other people's bodies - thin or big.  It's sad to think that people are judged based on their body size or appearance, but it happens.  I just chose to not be one of the people that makes those nasty assumptions.

4.  Wear Clothes that Fit.  Oh, am I stickler for breaking this rule.  When I feel fat, I wear clothes that try to hide it.  I live in sweats and t-shirts.  I try to wear oversized shirts to cover my mid-section.  I don't like wearing anything tight.  However, when I lost a lot of weight, I felt a lot more comfortable sporting clothes that hugged my hips a little more...showed off some curves.  I loved how I felt and how I looked.  I just can't do that when I feel the way I feel right now.  I also refuse to buy more clothes now that I have put on more weight.  Not because I love being uncomfortable trying to squeeze in to pants that fit perfectly a few months ago - but because I was happy when I wore those clothes when they fit right, and I want to feel that way again.  Maybe it would just be easier to go that route, but then I wouldn't be happy...and that's what this is all about, right?

5.  Demand Better Treatment from Healthcare Professionals.  This rule is where she started to lose me, just a bit.  Maybe it's because I haven't been "tortured" by healthcare professionals in terms of my weight.  Have doctors expressed a concern about my weight and the complications it can lead to? Yes.  Do I look at that concern as "fat hatred" and a social propaganda of healthcare professionals trying to mold the perfect race that should be thin?  No, of course not.  I don't feel hated from my healthcare professional.  Or that my visiting him is a strain on his time or the economy.  In fact, on the rare occasions that I've had to see him, he's made many comments about how healthy I am.  But, when I have a family history riddled with diabetes and heart disease, I totally understand when he shares his concerns.  If anything, I'd feel that there was something wrong if he didn't.  His job is to keep me well.  I don't believe for a second that I'm receiving some form of bigotry when he mentions that losing a few pounds would take the strain off of my knees and would help prevent the diseases that run wild through my family members. 

6.  Find A Way to Move.  Another great rule.  Although I can't wrap my head around her statement that "evidence directly linking being fat with illness is sketchy at best", I agree that moving is key to a happy, healthy live - regardless of size.  I do agree that overweight people are often mocked when wanting to participate at gyms.  They often get ridiculed for not wanting to lose weight, and ridiculed when they try.  That I agree with 100%.  Although, I personally haven't ever received anything but support when I attend a gym or want to participate in an active hobby, I know it does happen.

7.  Stand Up for Yourself.  I agree that many overweight people are bullied and ridiculed because of their size.  I've lived with being taunted and laughed at because of my weight.  I don't like feeling that ridicule.  I wholeheartedly believe that people should stand up for themselves from body haters - and any other form of haters.  No one knows the many possible causes that a person can be overweight.  I'm one of those people that have struggled with being a overweight my whole life, but I also have demons that lead to the huge expansion of my waist line about 10 years ago.  Each person's reasons or demons are different, and no one should ever be ridiculed for that.  However, when I make a statement about how I don't like being overweight and someone offers a story of how they lost weight, I don't look at it as a form of bullying or ridicule.  When I share my story with people, I don't think that I'm bullying them in to wanting to be thinner or healthier.  I will never offer my advice without being asked...and I don't make anyone read my blog.  I also don't feel that when I read other blogs of woman that have succeeded in their weight loss that what they are really saying is "you're still fat, I'm not, ha ha".  Yes, I understand that I seek out that advice, but even when a complete stranger makes a comment on my blog with a suggestion or a piece of advice, I don't automatically feel like I've been bashed.  I don't believe that everyone is out to belittle overweight people when they offer words of encouragement.

8.  Deal With Your Fat.  OK, I'll be honest, this one made me feel a little sick to my stomach.  Hate me if you will, but I couldn't help it.  When I read about how I should take extra care of drying in between my fat rolls, and taking precautions not to get heat blisters between my thighs, I felt a little queasy.  Not because what she said was disgusting, but because I knew exactly what she was talking about it - and I hated it.  Label it how ever you want, but I just can't wrap my head around loving my fat rolls.  I just can't.  Believe me, I've tried.  I've often woken up thinking "so what if I'm fat", but a quick trip to the mirror brings me back to reality that I don't like my fat, never have, never will.  I want it gone.  I know that this is the whole point to her entire article, but I just can't find happiness in looking the way I do....and it's what motivates me to keep trying to get rid of it.  I don't want to have to buy a bigger chair, I don't want to take up two spaces at a movie theater, and I don't want a seat belt extender.  Not because I think there's anything wrong with any of those things - but because none of that makes me happy.  Call me vain, brainwashed, crazy...whatever, but I can never wrap my head around the thought of just being happy being overweight.  I'm happy trying to lose the weight...making the effort.  If that's bad...then I'm a bad person.

9.  There Are Worse Things In The World Than Being Fat.  This rule is short, to the point, and absolutely true.  There are of course far worse things than being fat.  I've made that point countless times over when I put losing weight on a back burner because other priorities fall in to the mix.  Although, I can't help but bring back the point that one worse thing than being fat is being dead.  And even though the author clearly disagrees with me on this:  Continuing to pack on the pounds could result in an early demise.  I don't want that to happen.  It's not the main reason I'm trying to lose weight though.  My reasons are purely vanity driven.  But, I will say that all of my reasons are purely for myself.  I don't feel pressured to do it - I want to.

10.  Don't Expect to Feel Awesome About Yourself Every Single Day Forever.  I don't live with that expectation.  Although, I will point out that when I weighed 212lbs I felt the most alive and wonderful I'd ever felt in a very long time.  Haven't felt that way in a long time.  I have good days, I have bad days...just like everyone else.

At the end of the day, this article is worth the read and the message is a good one.  I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is that no one is forcing me to lose weight.  I don't hate myself because I'm fat.  I don't like the way I look or the way I feel.  I did a year ago, and I wasn't skinny then.  It was because I had made significant changes to my lifestyle.  I was eating healthy, I was active.  I was enjoying life, and loving how I looked.  I felt sexy.  I felt powerful.

I know that there is too much pressure on society as a whole to fit a certain body image.  I know that there is constant media about how the country is obese.  I know that my wanting to lose weight has nothing to do with any of that.  It all comes down to feelings.  How I feel, how I look.  My reasons to want to weigh less hasn't come from being forced in to thinking that I have to weigh less to be accepted by society or in order to be happy  It all stems from my own wants.  I want to be able to run long distances.  I want to be able to feel sexy in lingerie.  I want to be able to wear heels without fear of breaking an ankle or crippling my knees.  I want to be alive for my children.

Again, I was very happy with the progress I made in 2010.  I didn't transform myself in to a skinny, athletic goddess, but I made some serious improvements to my well being and my appearance.  I want that feeling back again.  I'm not happy.  I know the point of that article was to tell me that I should be happy about myself - but I'm not.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  My wanting to change is for me and me only.  I take no disrespect from people that are kind enough to share an article like this with me.  I understand, I do.  But, know that I am OK.  I do love who I am - as a person - and I just want to better myself physically. 

Till next time. ;)

Weigh In Wednesday

Dear Diary...

Today is the day I'd thought I'd be excited about.  Eighteen days ago, I thought for sure that once I was half way through January, I'd be off to a great start...and watching the scales decline at a rapid pace.  Apparently, I'm not a very good psychic.  I can't see in to the future.  What I thought would be happening, and what is actually happening are two very different things.

Today I did my first official weigh in for the new year.  Nineteen days ago, I stepped on the scale for the last time in 2011.  It was the number I never wanted to see again.  I wanted to kiss it goodbye forever.  Leave it in my past.

The first couple of weeks of January have obviously not gone to plan.  That's why I made it a goal not to set any weight loss goals...and let it happen at it's own pace.  It's a good thing I did, because otherwise I'd be even more disappointed than what I am at this very second.

Let's get down to the numbers, shall we?

On December 31st, 2011 I weighed in at 239.8lbs.  The weight I never wanted to see again.  Now, 19 days later, I stepped on the scale to see....

239.4lbs

In a little under 3 weeks, I've managed to lose 0.4lbs.

Of course I'm not thrilled about the number.  But, I really thought I was going to see a gain this morning...so I guess I should take a victory - regardless of how tiny it is.  It's still pathetic, though, and I'm very ashamed.

When I look back to last week, I guess it is more of a victory than I'm giving myself credit for.  I didn't do an official weigh in last week, because I was so appalled by the number.  Last week, I saw 242lbs on the scale.  I'd gained 2lbs in my first two weeks of the year.  I just couldn't bring myself to start my weight loss documentation off like that.  This week, however, I guess I can bask in the fact that at least I've lost 2lbs since last week.  But it doesn't count.  I chose not to post my weight last week, so I can't take credit for the loss now.  Plus, how could I possibly be happy about gaining 2lbs last week?  I can't...ergo, it doesn't matter that I'm back down to the number I'm at this week... I shouldn't have gained the weight in the first place!

My numbers line up pretty close for my Biggest Loser competition.  When I did my first weigh in for that back on January 5th, I weighed in at 239.5lbs.  Yesterday, I weighed in at 239.0lbs  That's a half a pound lost for the competition.  That's just as bad as my official weigh in.  Mainly because I tried to pad some extra weight on to my first weigh in.  I made sure I drank plenty of coffee and ate breakfast before weighing in.  Yesterday morning, I'd only drank one cup of coffee.  There's a valuable lesson here, folks... don't try and cheat the system.  It will bite you in the ass every time.

I've made the executive decision that I will only be adding dollars to my Reward Jar.  Meaning, that only whole pounds lost will get me money.  So, for example if I lose 1.8lbs in a week - I get $1 added.  I don't get to claim the extra until another full pound has been reached.  If the following week, I gain 1.2lbs then I'd get $2 because of the 0.8lbs from the week before added to the 0.2lbs would give me a whole dollar amount.  Did your head just explode from reading that?  Mine did.  In short... I'll show you how it will work once I actually get more than a pound weight loss.  Hopefully that will come in the very near future.

It's exactly two weeks until my 30th birthday.  It seems weird seeing it in print.  I'll be 30 years old.  It sounds funny when I say it out loud.  Just doesn't seem possible.  I can't believe that it's been almost 12 years since I gave birth to my first child.  Five years ago, almost to the day, I started my college career feeling like four years was a very long time.  But look how fast it flew by?  I've now been out of school for 8 months.  This year, I really want to make every moment count.  I have a couple of dreams I want to see come true this year.  One, of course, being that I finally get the classroom that I've been wanting for 25 years.  The other?  To see myself become the thinnest and most fit I've ever been.  Wait, I don't like the word "thinnest".  Let's replace that with reach the healthiest weight and most fit that I've ever been.  There, that sounds better. 

I have every intention of getting there.  Intentions won't get me there, though.  I have to follow through on those intentions.  I know that.  This isn't my first go around with this weight loss stuff.  I am an expert at starting and not succeeding.  I don't want to be that expert anymore.  I want to be another success story.  Another person that people can look to and say "well, if she can do it - anyone can".  That's right!  If I can do it anyone can.  And get there I will!

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...


It's Tuesday, so I have to do my True Confessions.  Being that I've received several new followers this week, I'll explain.  Each Tuesday, I confess the stuff that I'm not proud of, the stuff that I am proud of, and everything else that I've been holding my tongue about.  It's a bit I call True Confessions Tuesday.  It was started at Shrinking Jeans, and I stole adopted it for my own blog.  It's just another tool that helps keep me on track to see the mistakes I may make along the way.

I confess that today got off to a HORRIBLE start.  I was awoken at 7am by Peanut.  Yes, I said awoken, as in the time I was woken up from my sleep.  7am is the time I'm usually pulling in to the parking lot at work, if I'm not there already.  I live about 35 minutes from work, when there's no traffic and I don't have to drop Jelly off at daycare.  The traffic is terrible after 7am and I did have to drop Jelly off at daycare.  I'm supposed to start work at 7:40. 

I confess that despite all of what I just said, I still managed to get to work by 7:51.  Don't ask me how, but I did.  I was only 11 minutes late for work despite getting out of bed 51 minutes before.  When you do the math, you'll notice that I managed to drive the 40 minutes in traffic, drop my child off at daycare, and get dressed in 51 minutes.  I left the house at 7:15am - which is still record time to get me and the rest of the family dressed.  I will also note that I didn't speed...too much.  A miracle took place this morning.

I confess that if you did do the math, you'll see that it was impossible for me to have taken a shower before getting ready for work.  So, yes, I confess I did not take a shower before work this morning.  It's all about priorities, people!!  That's what body spray was invented for, right?

I confess that I ate dinner at Golden Corral last night.  It was my brother's birthday, and that's the place he picked to eat his birthday dinner.  It goes without saying that I over ate.  I mean, how can you possibly eat at a place like Golden Corral and not?  Please keep your comments to yourself about eating only from the salad bar and avoiding the dessert bar.  I could have gracefully bowed out.  In fact, I tried.  I told my brother that I was pretty strapped for cash.  Apparently I'm a sucker, and so is Hubby.  Hubby offered to pay for dinner so that my brother would be happy.  My brother was happy - but I wasn't when I weighed in for Biggest Loser this morning.  

I confess that I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that I had a loss when weighing in for the Biggest Loser this morning.  Even if it was only 1/2 a pound.  Let's not consider the fact that I totally cheated for my first weigh in by eating and drinking before weighing in.  When that's put in to perspective, my 1/2 a pound loss is pretty pathetic.  Even without putting that in to perspective, it's still pretty pathetic.. but I'll take any loss I can get. 

I confess that after seeing the number this morning on the scale, I fear that there will not be any money added to my Reward Jar this week.  There may be a withdrawal made, in fact. My first official weigh in may result in losing money before there's even any money in it.  How sad is that?  But, regardless of whether or not I start out in the negative... I've been known to turn things around pretty quickly when it comes to finances.  I better not be in the negative this time next week!

I confess that the Biggest Loser competition at work is going to help, I can feel it.  Hearing some of the successes this week really made me feel like a loser - and not in the good kind.  I'm the one that's heading up the competition, so I think it's only fitting that I put forth the best effort I can. 

I confess that I ordered Girl Scout Cookies today.  I know...not the brightest thing to do after what I just said about putting my best foot forward with the BL competition.  BUT, I ordered a box for Hubby, a box for the kids, and ordered the fat free lemon ones for myself.  I just have to make sure that I portion out the servings and use them as snacks instead of devouring the whole box in one sitting.  Impossible, you say?  Well, I like to take on a challenge.

I confess that I know I haven't started off this year strong.  All joking aside, I don't like making light of a situation I have created for myself.  There's no rhyme or reason why I'm not here confessing how wonderful I feel about starting off the year strong.  I am the captain in control of this aircraft.  It appears I have left the autopilot on, and need to take back control.  It's been difficult, to say the least.  I'm also not going to pretend that a magic spark has been lit and all things will change starting this very second.  I do feel that once my gym opens up, and I can start working out there each day - things will change.  Call it an experiment, if you will.  I've said a couple of times now how I feel that I always start the year off strong, and fizzle out a few months in.  This time around, I'm starting off the year weak and weary - but my strength will come...and hopefully it will lead to a strong finish.

Alright, confessions over for one week.  Nothing more to see here.  Tomorrow is my first official weigh in for the year, and while I'm expecting bad news...it will be good to get my progress (or lack thereof) in black and white.  Time for accountability!!

Till next time. ;)

This Is Why I Don't Like Saying I'm Going to Do Something Before I Do It

 
Dear Diary...

Guess who didn't get any cleaning done yesterday whatsoever?  Go ahead...guess.  Wow, how'd you guess so fast? Yes, it was me.  The person who spilled my guts on how gross my house was didn't get a single bit of cleaning done yesterday.  This is why I must learn my lesson of not saying what I'm going to do and just wait until it's done before mentioning it.  So, this morning I still have a house that looks like a tornado swept through it.

My intentions were there, I promise.  I left my computer and went straight to the living room to start cleaning.  And then this little four year year old appeared before me, with her bloodshot eyes from spending the previous 24 hours puking her guts up.   She looked at me and said in her most sweetest of voices "Mommy, will you watch a movie with me before we clean?"  I tried to fight it.  I tried to persuade her to let me do the cleaning first and then we'd watch movies... but I couldn't argue with her argument.  "You'll be cleaning for a long time.  Could we just watch the movie first and then I'll help you clean".  **Insert cute little eyelash flutter**  How could I say no to that?  She even wanted me to pick out the movie.

So, I caved.  I know.  I'm weak.  I knew in an instant that very little cleaning would get accomplished once I sat my behind on the couch snuggled up with my Jelly.  I did what I always do... I told myself that it could always get done tomorrow.  What are three day weekends for, right?

I picked out a classic.  I figured if I picked out an old movie, maybe.. just maybe..she'd lose interest pretty quick.  See, I still had hope - that counts for something, right?  I picked Bedknobs & Broomsticks.  I haven't seen that movie since I was a little girl - but it was one of my favorites.  I'd watch that movie when I was not much older than Jelly with my grandma.  Who'd have known that my child would love the movie as much as I had - but she did.  She sat and watched the whole thing.  Not only that, but as soon as it was over she wanted to watch another movie.  Sigh.

On the plus side, she told me that while I was changing out the movie, she'd clean up some of her toys.  And she did.  I took my time swapping out the movies...and she went to work picking up all of her toys and dumping them in to the playroom.  Not exactly what I'd call cleaning, but they were finally out of the living room.  The second movie on the agenda?  Mary Poppins.  She loved that movie just as much as she liked the first one.  My daughter definitely has my blood pumping through her veins, that's for sure. 

So, after Mary Poppins had flown off in to the sunset, I knew my day was shot.  It was time to start getting dinner ready, and lazing on the couch all day had taken away any motivation to clean.  I know, it's terrible... excuses, excuses.  No matter how hard I try to rid my life of them, they still know exactly when and where to rear their ugly heads.  

Today, I have no choice to get off my lazy behind.  I've got to take Butter and Jelly to the dentist and then I've got to go to Oklahoma to pick up Peanut.  She's been staying at my mom's since Friday.  Then I have to do grocery shopping.  That's one thing I haven't faltered on this year - making my meal plan in advance.  Hubby has been a huge help with that...and I credit him for doing most of the work.  He comes up with the meals, I put the stuff we need in to a list, and then I go to the store to buy it.  I'd take my part of the job versus his any day.  My focus for this week is lowering the serving sizes for everyone.

The past couple of weeks, we've been getting back in to the habit of cooking healthier meals - but the portion sizes have still been way above what they should be.  I want to focus on buying less food so that less food is prepared causing less food to be eaten.  I've done OK with my eating, but OK isn't good enough.  It's not just me I'm worried about, either.  I need to start keeping an eye on the portions the rest of the family are eating.  It's no good being on this healthy journey alone... my kids need to be on it too.  I will never restrict their eating too much, but I think preparing less food will help curb the need for them to eat second helpings - when the first helping should be plenty.  Plus, it helps me do the same. 

Have I mentioned how I can't wait for the gym to open?  Oh, I have.  Well, then I'm saying it again.  I CAN'T WAIT!  Seriously.  Despite not wanting to lift a finger to do an ounce of working out at home, the excitement that's boiling up inside over the near approaching opening of my new gym is making me excited.  This month may be a wash, I'm preparing myself for that... but who says I can't really get in to the swing of things until February?  The way I look at it, I'm getting my body back to healthy eating mode this month...and used to drinking a gazillion ounces of water each day....so by the day I enter that gym for my first work-out, I'll be ready for it. 

Please bare with me during this time of uncertainty.  Believe me when I say that I hadn't intended on moving at the speed of an elderly turtle while getting back on to the weight loss wagon.  I have the intentions for big things this year, and the year has only just begun.  What may appear as lame ass excuses for not doing anything monumental during this time - just remember the story of that turtle, when he was in the race with the hare.  I'll get there, I just have to move at my own pace.  Please just stick with me a couple more weeks - I know without a shadow of a doubt that the waiting will be worth it.

Alright, busy day ahead.  Must go.

Till next time. ;)

Glad That's All Over... Now It's Time to Deep Clean

 Dear Diary...

It appears Jelly is out of the woods.  She hasn't emptied her stomach through her mouth since 11 last night...so that's a good sign.  She's even eaten a bowl of Jell-O this morning with no repercussions.  She's been up off the couch playing a bit, too, so I'm really starting to think that the bug is gone.  Fingers crossed.  Her poor little eyes are all blood shot from the heaving that took place yesterday... but other than that, she seems to be back to her cheerful self.

The only plans I have for today is to clean my house.  It's in desperate need of it, again.  It feels like I say that way too much.  The amount of times I've told my kids if they keep their rooms clean, they'll stay clean...and then I don't listen to my own advice with the rest of the house.  If I cleaned more often, I wouldn't have such a big mess to take care of when I do decide to clean.

I don't like it when a sick bug has entered the house.  Makes me want to start scrubbing every surface, and disinfecting everything.  With the mess that's going on in my living room, I'd hate to think what ofter germs may be taking up residence.  Seriously.  It's bad in there.  Jelly's toys fill up about every spot of carpet that's not already taken up with furniture.  They are also all over the couch where a human behind doesn't rest continually.  I'm pretty sure there's about an inch of dust on the entertainment center, and a family of dust wolves ate the dust bunnies...and left the remains for all to see.  Yes, it's gross. 

Deep cleaning definitely has it's advantages, though.  Like causing me to break a sweat.  I'm not one to take deep cleaning lightly, and it's quite common to see me on my hands and knees scrubbing.  Vacuuming carpets isn't enough for me... I usually vacuum then get down on my hands and knees and scrub.  After living in this house for over 4 years, you'd think I would have given up on the stains that are on my carpet.  But I haven't.  Each time I clean, I scrub those stains thinking that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get rid of them.  It goes to show how much of an optimist I really am.

I'm glad that I have an extra day off this weekend.  Granted, I'll be running around non-stop tomorrow what with dentist appointments, having to pick Peanut up from her grandparent's house, and grocery shopping... but it's stuff that needs to be done, and I have an extra day to do it.

I'm pretty disappointed with myself for not working out this week.  Looks like I won't be earning my extra $5 bonus for getting in 3 work-outs this week.  That's pretty sad, being that this is the first official weigh-in week.  Well, it's pretty sad that my first official weigh-in week is taking place 3 weeks in to the new year.  Oh well, I have been eating much better and drinking lots of water.  I'm hoping for some change on the scale this week... but not counting my chickens just yet.  I know from experience that just cutting down on my eating isn't enough to see real results.  No excuses, though, what I see is what I'll take...plus or minus.

I know that once the gym opens, things will be so much different.  I know that sounds bad...being that it sounds like I'm making a big fat excuse for not working out right now.  But it is what it is.  I really haven't felt like running, which is weird for me.  It's my exercise of choice, usually, but I just haven't even had the urge to go out for a run.  I've had the urge to go to the gym.. but it's not open.  Once it's open, I'll be there...at least three times a week.  Maybe I'm craving some social interaction with my work-outs this time around.  That never happened before, but now that I know I'll be going to the gym with friends - my outlook has changed a little.  Going out for a run all by myself just doesn't do it for me right now.

My birthday is Feb. 1st and the gym opens Feb. 4th.  I can't think of a better way to celebrate my birthday.  I'll be stepping in to the role of a thirty year old by doing something for myself - a big something.  I don't know why I feel like the opening of this gym is going to be my saving grace, but I do.  If for the next two weeks I do nothing more than just eat right and drink water - I'm OK with that.  I'll be ready to move full speed ahead starting Feb. 4th. 

Alright, enough stalling... time to get busy. 

Till next time. ;)

Not Exactly How I Planned on Spending My Saturday...

Dear Diary...

Well, my Saturday is off to a great start.  And I say that with the most amount of sarcasm I can muster in typed words. 

I was woken up this morning at 5:30.  No biggie, it was Jelly wanting the TV put on in the living room.  Jelly often makes her way to the living room around that time every morning, if she hasn't already slept there the night before.  Nothing out of the ordinary with that - she wants the TV on so she can go back to sleep....except for the words she uttered before I waddled back to bed.  "Mommy, my belly hurts".  Hearing those words told me that trouble was brewing.  I did the usual Mommy checks:  Hand to forehead -  hmm, doesn't feel warm.  Face check - color still there.  I asked if she wanted something to drink, she didn't...so I went back to bed.

My suspicions were confirmed two hours later, when I heard crying.  Being awoken by crying is never a fun situation for any parent.  Your mind automatically goes in to panic mode, and you jump out of bed like a bullet, and jump over any hurdle that may be in your way to get to the sound.  Only the sound wasn't just crying...there was heaving involved with the crying.  That sound causes even more panic.  Hubby and I were both out of bed in the blink of an eye.

We found the source of the sounds coming from the kids' bathroom.  There was my poor little Jelly, standing over the toilet, puking and crying at the same time.  Mother of the Year, here, immediately thought "Thank goodness she made it to the toilet".  Hey - don't hate.  Cleaning up puke is the worst...behind cleaning up poop.  Those are two things that this Momma has a tough time with, so I felt a flittering moment of relief when I saw that I wasn't going to have to clean any bodily fluids from any soft surface. 

I stood behind her, holding her hair and rubbing her back, trying to console her.  Jelly hasn't dealt with puking in a very long time - so it's pretty scary for her.  After it was over, I got her to cleaned up, made her a comfy bed up on the couch, got her something to drink, and fetched a bucket...as a precaution... to place by her side.  She's resting on the couch right now, watching cartoons. 

Here in a little while, I'll go to the store and stock up on the stomach bug necessities:  Pedialite, chicken noodle soup, and bread (for toast). 

This is one of the downfalls of working in a school.  Bringing home germs and bugs.  There's been quite the epidemic at work this week, with kids dropping like flies with stomach bugs.  Lots of kids have been absent, and just as many have been sent home after puking or running a fever.  I suppose it was inevitable that one of my kids was going to pick something up.  Just didn't expect it to the be the kid that doesn't even attend public school yet.  Then again, my poor Jelly also got chicken pox a little over a month ago from who knows where.  They didn't have any other kids with chicken pox at her daycare.

One thing I am very grateful for is the fact that Jelly handles being sick like a champ.  She usually spends the entire day sleeping on the couch or watching TV.  She's just like her momma - much rather try to sleep off any sickies than try to do anything else.

So, today, I'll spend the day taking care of my sick baby.  I'll curl up on the couch with her, watch cartoons with her, and make her as comfortable as I can.  There could be worse ways to spend my Saturday, I suppose.  I don't like it when my kids are sick, but being able to be there for them and comfort them is the silver lining to situations like this. 

Alright...here I go.  Here's to hoping that my baby gets better very soon.

Till next time ;)

BYOC - To Brighten My Day

This morning's post was kind of blah. I don't want to end my Friday on a downer, so I'm gonna do another round of BYOC - Friday night edition!  I'm Bringing My Own Crazy, and gonna have some fun with it.

The awesome Draz comes up with 5 questions...and then I answer them.  It has become quite a phenomena as I see more and more people participating.  So, here goes...

1. Do you have a favorite traditional “birthday meal”? If yes – what is it and what is the meaning behind it?

I don't really have a tradition when it comes to my birthday.  I'm lucky if it even gets noticed.  That's not entirely fair - I don't really like my birthday to be a big deal, so it's not like Hubby is some mean man that doesn't remember my birthday.  Some years, we've gone out to eat the weekend before or after my birthday.  Sometimes it's been breakfast.  It just depends on if I'm in the mood to acknowledge my birthday, if we have the money, and if I want to go out. 

2. If you’ve lost weight, has your style changed since you lost weight? Or what's your dream purchase when you do lose weight/hit goal?

My style changed drastically when I really lost a lot of weight.  I went from living in baggy sweats and t-shirts to owning dresses, and "girly" clothing.  I dared to be different, and started showing off some of the curves that were starting to appear out of the fat rolls.  I even started wearing heels, which I haven't done since high school - and even then it was for special occasions only. 

Now that I've gained quite a bit back, I'm back to living in sweats.  I hate that my clothes don't fit anymore, and I hate the way I look in just about everything "girly".  My dream is to get rid of everything I own and replace the whole damn wardrobe with size 12 clothing.  Dresses, skirts, tighter fitted jeans, dress pants that don't cause muffin top, fitted shirts...that's my dream, and I'll get there.  I promise you that!

3. Pick one question of the following two to answer: Who is your favorite Muppet and why? Or who is your favorite Smurf and why?

Will I be forever hated if I say that I never really watched the Smurfs or the Muppets?  I didn't.  I was much more in to Fraggle Rock for my puppet fix...and cartoons were few and far between.  I guess if I had to pick, though, I'd say Smurfette - just because she's the only female smurf and she totally dominates the Smurfs with her sex appeal.  The Muppets would have to be Miss Piggy cause she doesn't give a flying rat's behind what anyone thinks of her.

4. When you buy a lotion or after bath spray or body spray or candle (not perfume) – what’s the “flavor” you always find yourself loving the most?

I'm a sucker for fruity flavors...although I do like perfumy scented lotions and body sprays, too.  I am fond of vanilla.  I don't like the sprays that smell like food - birthday cake, cookies, stuff like that. (Sorry, Draz).  When it comes to candles, that's when I'm a sucker for food....of the sweet kind.  I love the apple pie, pumpkin pie, or chocolate scented candles. 

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in real life and in blogland.

Real life has been goodish.  I joined a gym this week, and can't wait for Feb. 4th when it opens up.  I have been enjoying work, and loving the people I work with more and more each day.  I really feel like a part of the team, and feel like for the first time in my life I can actually call my co-workers friends.  I have also been dealing with a case of the crappies this week.  I had trouble sleeping Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights - which led to an almost migraine on Wednesday.  That sent me home from work for the day.  Then I was dealing with the most awful back pains.  They both seemed to have settled down today, so that's good.  Had a great meeting with my principle today, and she gave me some great tips to be working on before looking for a teaching job next year - so that was awesome, too!

Blogland has been about the same.  I've posted about everything mentioned above, except for the conversation with my principle...cause that happened today.  I've been faced with a lot of realization with things that are happening or have happened since the weight gain.  I'm also facing that it's all my fault, and I'm the only one that can do something about it.  I'm hoping that this next week is full of a lot more humor and high points and way less downers.

Alright, I'm done for today.  If you want to join in, copy the questions to your own blog and then let me know so I can read your answers!!

Everyone enjoy your Friday night!

Till next time. ;)