I'm Not the Same Person Anymore

Several weeks ago, I started using Sundays as a day of reflection, a day to embrace the things I dislike about myself, and a day to plan how to make good of some of the areas of my life in which I struggle.  The posts are always pretty deep, and for the most part, ended up being a tear fest as I revealed my weaknesses and my dislike for dwelling on my weaknesses.

This morning, I had planned on following suit with another "deep" post about a flaw, something I dislike, something I want to work on.  I sat here and sat here. 

I could talk about certain body parts that I dislike.  Then I started to think about which one I could use.  I dislike having a big stomach - but it's disappearing, and the unsightly stretch marks that I wear on my stomach are a mark of pride of bringing three amazing children into the world...how can I dislike that?

I could talk about the fact that I have extremely large legs.  These same legs are pushing me every day to meet my fitness goals.  They are holding me strong and proud in front of my class each day.  Hmm...nope, don't think I can dislike that, either.

OK, so there's my arms.  My arms are something that I really do dislike the look of.  I have chicken wings...no, scratch that... OSTRICH wings.  The tops of my arms could do with losing about 6"...no exaggeration.  Then I start to think about how my arms lift up Jelly, hug Peanut and Butter, they hold me strong when doing push-ups and contorting my body into Yoga poses.  Sure, they have some work needed - but dislike them that much?  Not really.

You see where I'm going with this? 

These past two weeks, I've made some transformations.  I've gotten out of the rut of disappointing myself, having regrets for not doing things I said I would, I've started to change - not just in my actions, but the way I think.

A year ago, if you had asked me to join a gym, I would have told you that it's a waste of money.  There's no reason to go to a gym because I can work out at home....and I don't have the time. 

Well, the first part is true.  I can work out at home.  I can use my own fitness stuff - DVDs, weights, treadmill.... I could, but I didn't.

Time?  Oh, don't get me started on that.  I get up at 4:30am, leave for work at 6am, work until 3pm, come home and cook dinner, do homework, and then try to get myself to bed to where I can at least get about 6 hours of sleep.  Who has the time to fit going to the gym into all of that??  Urm...I guess I do.  This week, I left work at 3, went to the gym until 4:15 and was home by 5 to do my usual evening chores.  I went yesterday, spent an hour working out, came home and did what I would normally do on a Saturday....a whole lot of nothing.

A year ago, if you had asked me to count calories and log all of the food I ate, I would have told you that it was a waste of time.  I knew my body, I knew if what I was eating was good for me or not.  If I make my meal plan ahead of time, why do I need to log it again? 

I had some success with that theory, then the number on the scale stopped dropping.  I couldn't figure out why I wasn't losing weight anymore.  My diet consisted of whole grains, unprocessed foods.  I was eating fruits and veggies....why wasn't I lose weight?  Well, thanks to looking at how many calories I was consuming and how many I was burning while working out - I realized I wasn't eating enough.  Whaattt???  Yep, that's the truth.  Counting calories isn't just about making sure you don't eat too much, it also helps make sure you're eating enough.  Now, you can bet your behind I'm logging my food - and it's really not that much of a time consumer.  Thanks, iPhone!!

Today, I no longer dwell on my mistakes or my flaws or my failures.   I am proud of what I've done the past two weeks.  I am happy with the changes I'm seeing myself making - not just on the outside, but within.  I know that if I continue doing what I'm doing - the flaws will disappear completely, body parts will get smaller. 

For the first time in such a long time, I am truly happy.  I am happy that I have a family that supports me.  I am happy in realizing that I really do have friends - great friends - who cheer me on and provide kind words of motivation.  I am happy in knowing that I'm beating the odds: over-worked, under paid and still finding the time and resources to dedicate it to my fitness and health.  I am happy with being happy.

This week, I have discovered that there is only one person on this earth that can help me overcome my obstacles, help me reach my goals, and put in the time and effort to be healthy.  There is only one person that affects the way I feel about myself, that allows silly things like body image and personality flaws to mess with my mind.  There is only one person that can determine if I succeed or fail.  That person is ME!!

Just so you know - no Kleenexes were harmed during the creation of this blog.  HALLELUJAH!!

Till next time.  ;)

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