Sunday, February 06, 2011

Lonely, I am so Lonely

It's a little ironic to me that exactly one week ago, I used the persona of a weather forecaster to forecast the accomplishments that I intend to focus on this year.  Ironic because not two days later, we got SLAMMED with a winter storm that has been the topic of my posts ever since.  Oh, and we're in to Day 6 of a lot of snow on the ground...ugh.

Today, I'm going to get a little personal - well, not really personal, more like divulge some information about myself that not many people know about me.  I want to lay it out there - get it off my chest - and start to move forward with it.

Before I continue, I want to first say that this post is not intended to be a pity party.  I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me... it's just something that sits on my mind quite often, and I devoted Sunday to confronting the negative thoughts that I often have about myself.  Oh - and it's going to be long.

For as long as I can remember, I have always had a very small circle of close friends.  Well, in fact, that only really applies to my high school days.  In high school, I was a part of a very close knit circle of friends.  I wasn't popular, but I was friendly with almost everyone.  If I put an actual number on the true friends that I had, I'd probably say 4 or 5.  True friends were the people I spent all of my time with, hung out with after school, and spilled all of my secrets and ideas to. 

After high school, we all moved on with our lives.  How many of those true friends do I still have close friendships with?  ZERO.  I keep in touch now and then with one or two on Facebook.  My closest friend was killed in a car accident a few years after school.  Other than that, I don't see, talk on the phone or even text a single one of them.

After high school, I found a new best friend.  We did EVERYTHING together.  I lived with her several times - and if I wasn't living with her, I'd be at her house every day.  Our friendship was the product of the fact that she is the sister to my ex - my son's father.  No matter what horrible, inexcusable thing he did to me - I knew she'd always be there to help, listen, and take care of me.  Our friendship was VERY strong for several years.  She got married, and her husband became a second best friend to me.  It wasn't until their marriage failed that things got a little strained between my best friend and I.

I don't remember the last time I saw her, or spoke to her for that matter.  She's since remarried and moved away.  I think about her sometimes, about how much fun we used to have, about having someone always there to talk to - whether in person, by phone, or through the magical world of texting.  It's so crazy, but our kids could pass as siblings - each one of my children resembles on of hers. 

Since our friendship has declined - for lack of a better word - I can't help but feel that our friendship was merely based on the kids.  She was there for me because I had two children - one of which was her blood - and that she felt it was her duty to take care of me.  I often feel that if the children hadn't of been born, we would not have become the friends that we did.

That really doesn't matter, now, and really doesn't have any bearing on my point.  The point is, that today, as I'm typing this it's very hard for me to label many people as "true friends".  Everywhere I have had a job, I consider the people I worked with as friends - but did I hang out with them on weekends? No.  Did I get invited to gatherings or birthday parties or other events they hosted outside of the workplace? No.  The truth of the matter is, except for my ex's sister and her ex husband... I had no friends.

Now, I am in college.  I was always told growing up that college would be the place where I made my "true friends", the people I would form strong bonds with - bonds that would last for the rest of my life.  I'm a senior now - and can I say I have any of those things?  Not really.

For the past week, I've seen post after post after post from the people I go to school with explaining how they're missing their friends, or they're glad that their friends were there for them, or sending cute messages back and forth about plans for the summer - once the bad weather is gone.  How many of those messages did I get? None. 

Again, I'm not saying all of this as a form of pity party.  It's not their fault - it's mine.  For some reason, I was never gifted with the talent to make close friendships.  Maybe I purposely space myself from other people.  I also believe that my confidence in my abilities is often associated with arrogance - and who wants to hang out with the arrogant person? 

People I go to school with feel comfortable enough to come to me when they need help with an assignment.  They know that I'm more than willing to offer any help that I can.  Once they get what they need?  I get a thank-you and off they go. 

I always feel kind of awkward when I'm at school or work.  I know that all of the people that are there have built those close friendships that will go with them after we walk across the stage in May.  I can see the love they have for each other - the pure friendship commitment.  Then I wonder, where did I go wrong? 

I can't sit here and tell you that I have no friends - cause that's not true.  I have one person that I know I can turn to when I need her... but she also has her own close knit circle of friends and we don't get to see each other very often - and that's Sanity.  We formed a close bond in our college classes.  We've spent countless Friday or Saturday nights hanging out together.... we lean on each other when times are tough or stress is at an all time high.  It's not as often as I'd like - but I do get to have the occasional night out with a good friend.

So, if I have a friend, why am I whining? Right?  Well, I don't know.  I just feel lonely.  I feel like that kid that sits in the back of a classroom while everyone else ignores her or gives her funny looks or whispers to a friend and they giggle while they are staring at her.  She wanders around the playground all by herself at recess while other kids smile at her, but don't really want to approach her. 

I often feel the same, here, on my blog.  I read dozens of blogs each day - and they all seem to have comment after comment after comment of support.  I, then, come back to my blog - and some days I'm lucky and get one or two comments... most days, though, there's nothing. 

I just don't know what it is.  Whether in real life or in cyber world, I've never been popular or had many friends.  I wish I knew how to change that - but I don't.  I've tried.  Believe me, I've tried.  The result always ends the same.  I'm alone.

Saying I'm alone isn't really a true statement - but that's how I feel.  Sure, I have my kids, my Hubby, my mom... but sometimes, I'd just like to have some girlfriends - even guy friends, I'm not picky - that I can hang out with, let my hair down with... spill my guts to now and then.

So, that's my confession for this week.  I'm a loner.  It's something I'm going to work on - somehow.  I'm going to make it a goal to try and build a couple of friendships this year.  I'm going to throw myself out there - show some vulnerability.  Yes, it could all blow up in my face - but at least I'll be able to say that I tried.

Till next time.  ;)


  1. I was thinking about you during the night (yep, one of those nights), and I was thinking you'd have something heavy to say today, since it's your Sunday blog! Ever since your blog in which you wrote about how BAD you felt about what happened Thursday night and that you actually cried yourself to sleep, I have been thinking about how to respond. And my response comes in the form of questions -- questions I believe my therapist would have asked me!

    1) What does this feeling of loneliness that you're experiencing now remind you of? By that, I mean, what other times have you felt this? Keep going back -- back -- back until you think you've come to the first time(s) you had this feeling. What was going on? Is the same thing going on now? Or did you simply carry that forward and it no longer applies?

    2) Is it possible that you didn't feel that you DESERVED someone to make a big effort for YOU (bringing the heater over)? And that's why it was such an emotional ordeal for you?

    Now call someone or email someone and set up a fun time for you and someone (who might not be a friend right now but could be one in the future) -- make it concrete -- not just "we'll should get together!" Set a time and a place!

  2. Wow - very thought provoking questions... I should have known that you'd be the person that would make me take the bull by the horns and confront these feelings.. and for that, I love you. :)

    I have had these feelings for MANY years - dating back to being in the most horrible of relationships. I was made to feel like I didn't deserve anything - I was good for nothing.

    I finally got over that - and after finding Steve, began to realize that I do deserve a good life... a happy life. I have thought about the missing close friendships, a lot, but it hasn't really gotten me down - until this week.

    I won't say that I didn't feel like I deserved someone making the effort for me - it's more like having the realization that I had no one else to call on... you came to my aid without question or concern. It was a truly theraputic and touching situation for me... and I needed it.

    I received an email from a trainer that I met while going to bootcamp during my ordeal offering to bring me food - if we couldn't get out... another one of those "WOW" moments when someone I hardly knew was willing to come to my aid.

    It all just opened the flood gates to me a little hard... I'm used to not really having anyone but my family to count on - but there are people out there that do care... does that make sense?

    I want you to know that I feel very bad about what happened to John and his truck - but now, I don't believe that was the cause of my tears.

    It was more the reality that I didn't have someone to call, someone to ask... but I didn't have to - you were there.

    In a very long story, what I'm trying to say is - you made me realize that I need to put myself out there more...face my fears of not having true friendships - and to do something about it. :) I hope that all makes seems it's hard for me to put these kinds of feelings into words.

  3. Wow I really hate to be the bearer of bad news again, but maybe it's not. Again, having lived a bit longer... here are my observations on life and "loneliness". For one thing I truly believe that again relationships as they are typically defined by life, society, cultures whatever are all just part of the illusion we all make up or have been taught to makeup in our minds. But to expound on the topic further just in case and should "loneliness" truly exist and isn't just another illusion... lately (after numerous experiences good or bad of one kind or another regarding people) the following quote has been coming out of my mouth... We're born into this world alone and we leave it alone why should the in-between part be any different? ie when I find myself in the throws of "loneliness" it doesn't surprise me. What I mean by born/leave. Sure there are people in the room when you are born so I suppose you may not view that as "alone" but I am referring to the actual act of birth... coming down the birth canal. Is anyone in there doing that with you? NOT. Also, when we die. Sure people will be there (however, I think elephants would be better to have around at this moment) but the actual act of dying? The point in time when you die, cease to exist and our souls leave our bodies and go to the great beyond. Yep you guessed it you'll be doing that all by your lonesome. (except perhaps for the whoever supposedly meets you on the other side and is present at the juncture, if that is in fact the case). But think about it? Both of those major events in our life... coming into existence and the departure of this existence as we know it. We are completely ALONE. So I think... in the grand scheme of things... why as far as nature is concerned should the in-between part be any different? If people come and go into our lives for whatever time/attention they come well that is good. Enjoy that while it lasts. But as far as being attached to it or needing it that is probably best left alone (ha no pun intended). I think that is the key to relationships and another of my favorite lines... invest but never attach. Ok so now that I have sounded salty enough on life in general (I'm not really). You might also be thinking, "bitter betty party of one your table is ready". I'm not bitter either. I do identify with a lot of the emotions and observations you have mentioned and these are just some of the thoughts that popped into my head in response. One thing I know for sure that in life sometimes the answer is there are no answers. Life is a mystery and sometimes its ok to not know the answer. You just have to sit in that not knowing and be ok with that. Its freeing really to come to the conclusion that "hey, I may never know the answer to this or that" and once you realize that and let go. Its cool. I think I'm alone too much I have way too much time on my hands to THINK. te-he

    Carry on... and believe me, you are not alone in your feelings and thoughts. ROFL

  4. Hang in there. I have felt the same way too. Being a mom of 6 doesn't leave lots of time for friendships. You should find someone who seems like they would be fun to get to know better and ask them out to lunch. Or you and your hubby could double date. Sometimes making the first move can get the ball rolling. Good Luck.

  5. Wow, M.P. quite a spin to put on it, I guess..LOL I get what you're saying - and it makes sense.

    In reality, I'm never really alone - again, I have my family, my Hubby is my best friend, my mom is always a phone call away.

    Maybe lonliness wasn't the best way to express it - it's more like a feeling that I'm missing out on friendships, solid, strong, friendships.

    I definitely can't complain about my life- that's for sure... but I have to face these feelings inside of me to truly open up and cleanse my soul... which is my mission with these Sunday posts.

    Maybe I have these feelings because I'm lacking the investment - I feel like I really never did my part to invest in relationships... and that's the part that I need to work on. That's what I'm hoping, and what I intend on doing.

    Thanks for your words of wisdom - they are always appreciated here. :)

  6. Well, I have a different take on friendships and all relationships -- the minute a baby is born, s/he starts working on developing relationships -- first for physical survival -- but the urge to develop social relationships presents itself very early, as well. We have a "social brain." We are wired to be social and to have social relationships. I did a whole presentation about this to a (surprisingly large) group of college professors several years ago in Austin, Texas -- the main point of the presentation was how important it is to develop a sense of true relationships in the college classroom and especially in online courses. But the basis for that part (the foundation) was our social brains. I had to some some research myself, because I knew this would be a challenging audience, so I learned a lot.

  7. This is one of those posts that I can really relate to as I've always only had a few close friends.

    I have 4 ppl I consider my BFFs. One has been my friend since 1986 though she has lived out of the country for many years. Next time I see her will be when she comes home for her wedding which I am attending but I am not in - as her bridal party consists of friends she's had since she was older and who are her age (I'm 3 yrs older) and who are also close with her fiancee.

    Are my feelings hurt? A bit I guess even though I understand it. She was out partying and such while I was raising my son so our life paths are set on different speeds.

    My other BFF has had her main best friend since they were in kindergarten and I am attending her wedding this year and she has her MBF and her to be sister-in-law standing up for her.

    Are my feelings hurt? No, actually. I am totally cool with this because of how she and I relate.

    My last two BFFs are, as of late, doing all sorts of things with each other and not including me for various reasons.

    Are my feelings hurt? Yes. I do a lot of things with one of them - who has been in my life on and off for well over 15 yrs but the other one is a workaholic but since she makes time for my BFF (who I introduced to her) and not me -- my feelings are hurt -- especially since I spoke to both of them about feeling left out.


    Sorry to vent on your post. This is one of those things I can't really blog about...

  8. ,). thanks for the reply. I'll try and be more...err shall we say... positive in future posts? It could be a stretch.

  9. I've always been the type that had only 1 or 2 close friends too. My sister always knew a lot of people, but they were more acquaintances than friends. I was often lonely when my one friend couldn't hang out or whatever, but I'd rather have 1 TRUE friend than a ton of acquaintances that aren't there when you need them.

    I totally know how you feel though. I have a great bff now. I adore her, but she can't always go out when I can, so if she can't go, I usually don't go with anyone. I don't really have anyone else to go with.

    If you lived here, I would totally hang out with you! Your blog is one of my favorites and I can relate to a lot of what you say. I think we'd get along fabulously! =)

  10. Aww - Brandi - I know we would!!!

  11. Aww hang in there dear. Remember you have a pretty busy schedule and I find the busier I get the less friends I have because they do not always understand...
    I am your friend and I wish we lived closer because we would be working out together!!!

  12. Colleen - you're so right!! It would be a dream come true to have you to work-out with...I'd be making a lot more progress, that's for sure..LOL

    I'm looking into getting some personal training sessions - well, small group personal training sessions. That might help, if I can find someone with the same interests as I have. :)



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