Lonely, I am so Lonely

It's a little ironic to me that exactly one week ago, I used the persona of a weather forecaster to forecast the accomplishments that I intend to focus on this year.  Ironic because not two days later, we got SLAMMED with a winter storm that has been the topic of my posts ever since.  Oh, and we're in to Day 6 of a lot of snow on the ground...ugh.

Today, I'm going to get a little personal - well, not really personal, more like divulge some information about myself that not many people know about me.  I want to lay it out there - get it off my chest - and start to move forward with it.

Before I continue, I want to first say that this post is not intended to be a pity party.  I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me... it's just something that sits on my mind quite often, and I devoted Sunday to confronting the negative thoughts that I often have about myself.  Oh - and it's going to be long.

For as long as I can remember, I have always had a very small circle of close friends.  Well, in fact, that only really applies to my high school days.  In high school, I was a part of a very close knit circle of friends.  I wasn't popular, but I was friendly with almost everyone.  If I put an actual number on the true friends that I had, I'd probably say 4 or 5.  True friends were the people I spent all of my time with, hung out with after school, and spilled all of my secrets and ideas to. 

After high school, we all moved on with our lives.  How many of those true friends do I still have close friendships with?  ZERO.  I keep in touch now and then with one or two on Facebook.  My closest friend was killed in a car accident a few years after school.  Other than that, I don't see, talk on the phone or even text a single one of them.

After high school, I found a new best friend.  We did EVERYTHING together.  I lived with her several times - and if I wasn't living with her, I'd be at her house every day.  Our friendship was the product of the fact that she is the sister to my ex - my son's father.  No matter what horrible, inexcusable thing he did to me - I knew she'd always be there to help, listen, and take care of me.  Our friendship was VERY strong for several years.  She got married, and her husband became a second best friend to me.  It wasn't until their marriage failed that things got a little strained between my best friend and I.

I don't remember the last time I saw her, or spoke to her for that matter.  She's since remarried and moved away.  I think about her sometimes, about how much fun we used to have, about having someone always there to talk to - whether in person, by phone, or through the magical world of texting.  It's so crazy, but our kids could pass as siblings - each one of my children resembles on of hers. 

Since our friendship has declined - for lack of a better word - I can't help but feel that our friendship was merely based on the kids.  She was there for me because I had two children - one of which was her blood - and that she felt it was her duty to take care of me.  I often feel that if the children hadn't of been born, we would not have become the friends that we did.

That really doesn't matter, now, and really doesn't have any bearing on my point.  The point is, that today, as I'm typing this it's very hard for me to label many people as "true friends".  Everywhere I have had a job, I consider the people I worked with as friends - but did I hang out with them on weekends? No.  Did I get invited to gatherings or birthday parties or other events they hosted outside of the workplace? No.  The truth of the matter is, except for my ex's sister and her ex husband... I had no friends.

Now, I am in college.  I was always told growing up that college would be the place where I made my "true friends", the people I would form strong bonds with - bonds that would last for the rest of my life.  I'm a senior now - and can I say I have any of those things?  Not really.

For the past week, I've seen post after post after post from the people I go to school with explaining how they're missing their friends, or they're glad that their friends were there for them, or sending cute messages back and forth about plans for the summer - once the bad weather is gone.  How many of those messages did I get? None. 

Again, I'm not saying all of this as a form of pity party.  It's not their fault - it's mine.  For some reason, I was never gifted with the talent to make close friendships.  Maybe I purposely space myself from other people.  I also believe that my confidence in my abilities is often associated with arrogance - and who wants to hang out with the arrogant person? 

People I go to school with feel comfortable enough to come to me when they need help with an assignment.  They know that I'm more than willing to offer any help that I can.  Once they get what they need?  I get a thank-you and off they go. 

I always feel kind of awkward when I'm at school or work.  I know that all of the people that are there have built those close friendships that will go with them after we walk across the stage in May.  I can see the love they have for each other - the pure friendship commitment.  Then I wonder, where did I go wrong? 

I can't sit here and tell you that I have no friends - cause that's not true.  I have one person that I know I can turn to when I need her... but she also has her own close knit circle of friends and we don't get to see each other very often - and that's Sanity.  We formed a close bond in our college classes.  We've spent countless Friday or Saturday nights hanging out together.... we lean on each other when times are tough or stress is at an all time high.  It's not as often as I'd like - but I do get to have the occasional night out with a good friend.

So, if I have a friend, why am I whining? Right?  Well, I don't know.  I just feel lonely.  I feel like that kid that sits in the back of a classroom while everyone else ignores her or gives her funny looks or whispers to a friend and they giggle while they are staring at her.  She wanders around the playground all by herself at recess while other kids smile at her, but don't really want to approach her. 

I often feel the same, here, on my blog.  I read dozens of blogs each day - and they all seem to have comment after comment after comment of support.  I, then, come back to my blog - and some days I'm lucky and get one or two comments... most days, though, there's nothing. 

I just don't know what it is.  Whether in real life or in cyber world, I've never been popular or had many friends.  I wish I knew how to change that - but I don't.  I've tried.  Believe me, I've tried.  The result always ends the same.  I'm alone.

Saying I'm alone isn't really a true statement - but that's how I feel.  Sure, I have my kids, my Hubby, my mom... but sometimes, I'd just like to have some girlfriends - even guy friends, I'm not picky - that I can hang out with, let my hair down with... spill my guts to now and then.

So, that's my confession for this week.  I'm a loner.  It's something I'm going to work on - somehow.  I'm going to make it a goal to try and build a couple of friendships this year.  I'm going to throw myself out there - show some vulnerability.  Yes, it could all blow up in my face - but at least I'll be able to say that I tried.

Till next time.  ;)