Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Only Control the Here and Now

I know.  I've been gone for 2 days.  Wasn't any real reason for it....just didn't have much to say. 

The job search continues, and while I have been unable to dispel the stress and fear associated with the process, I am feeling a little more grounded in my feelings towards this time of my life.

It's weird to think that in exactly 4 weeks from today, I will be the first member of my family to graduate from a University.  What was an exciting and momentous event it was going to be just mere months ago, doesn't really have the same feeling for me anymore.  I mean, I'm excited - don't get me wrong about that - but it's just not that big of a deal when wrapped inside the bubble of job hunting.

Up until last night, I'd been riding an emotional rollercoaster.  One day I'm confident, the next I'm crying in a corner doubting everything about myself.  Then the next minute I'm pepping myself up only to be crashing down again a few hours later after a conversation with someone that has an interview.  It's no fun.

Then, last night happened.  I went to a Tupperware party - have never been to one.  The Tupperware had nothing to do with pseudo mother-in-law?  Everything to do with it.

This woman is like another mother to me.  Not to take any recognition away from my own mother...having another mother figure isn't needed - but it's so nice that I have double the love and support.

She has been a cheerleader of mine since day one - filling me with hope, boosting my confidence, and supporting me every step of the way....just like my own mother has.

Last night, I let all of my concerns and emotions and feelings out on her like a pack of wild dogs.  I told her about my doubt.  I told her about my frustration.  I told her about feeling like my whole world is crashing in around me just because I haven't had any contacts from any other schools about an interview.

She listened.  She nodded with understanding.  And then?  She whipped out a major dose of the "Don't EVER doubt yourself" talk that I knew would happen.  I've been told the same thing by so many people - but for some reason, when I bounce my frustrations out on MIL - she's ready to smack it right back at me with words that aren't just sympathetic and kind but resounding and effective.  It's like having my own personal motivational speaker.

And, you know what?  After speaking to her, I felt much better.  She made me really think about all of the struggles I've dealt with in my life.  The most recent being my weight loss.  She made me think about how a few years ago I had no hope of ever being able to get rid of the weight.  She made me remember how daunting it was to think about losing 100lbs - and how I doubted myself constantly, but then realized that the only way I would succeed would be taking one day at a time. 

That's when it hit me.  When I was struggling with thinking about losing weight - my key to success was taking one day at a time.  I just couldn't think about the future - but I had no control over the future.  I only had control over the decisions I made each day...what food I ate, whether or not I exercised.  Despite my hard work, I also couldn't control what the scale said to me.  Even though I had struggles - at the end of the day, I still succeeded.  Sure, it's taken longer than I'd hoped.... but I'm doing it.  85lbs is gone - it didn't happen over night.  I pushed myself to accomplish my goal....but I could only do it with taking one day at a time.

When I apply that all to my current situation - it all seems to become clearer.  I can't control what the future brings.  I can't make those principles call me.  What I can do is take one day at a time.  Make the efforts I need - visiting schools, sending emails, making contact - and then wait and see what happens.

A year ago, I couldn't imagine being 85lbs lighter.  Today, I can't imagine getting that teaching job.  Well, I lost 85lbs, didn't I?  I can only hope that the same success comes my way in regards to that teaching job.

Maybe it doesn't happen this week, this month, in a couple of months, or even this year.  What I do know is that as long as I don't give up, I keep putting the effort in - good things will happen.  Sometimes that stupid scale doesn't make any sense when I stand on it despite getting in extra exercise and eating well all week.  I have to accept the reality that the principals might not call me despite the effort of reaching out and making contact.  It took a long time to get where I am today with my weight - and the same is true with my job hunt. 

I'm now starting to realize that I can only control the here and now.  I will make the efforts, I will keep sending the emails, I will keep visiting the schools.  Maybe I don't get the response I want - but maybe, just maybe I will. 

I still have a long journey ahead of me with my weight loss - and maybe the journey to finding a job will be just as long.  That doesn't mean I will give up.  Somewhere out there, there's a principal that will give me a chance.  Just like there's a day I will stand on the scale and see my goal weight.  Good things come to those that persevere....and persevere I will.

Till next time. ;)
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