Let me start out by saying that I am feeling a little better today. I'm not going to pretend that I'm back to my cheery ol' self and that life is a bed of roses - cause it's not....but I am feeling better than I did yesterday.
I went for a run - like I said I would. I didn't get to run as much as I wanted due to the fact that we had 50mph wind gusts that caused a small dust storm at the track. I tried to ignore it, but the dust got in my eyes and in my mouth - and made breathing while running a little difficult.
After I got home, I put my earphones in my ear, went out on the back deck, and turned on my Collective Soul album. Despite putting my iPhone on shuffle - these are the words that began to play...
Something's going wrong inside of you
Burdens bearing down and seeping through
Well, I don't want to bleed anymore for you
And I don't want to breathe any hatred too
Sitting while you world just floats around
Now you want to move 'cause it's crashing down
Well, I don't want to sing you guarantees
And I don't want to cling to our use to be's
So take your heart, take your soul
Just get yourself on out of here
Weird, huh? The song really couldn't be more perfect. Listening to these words I just started to have a good cry. I say a good cry because it's really what I needed. I needed to let some of the emotion go. It was a therapeutic cry - and sometimes those are just necessary. I realized I probably don't do it often enough.
After the cry, I went and took a shower and then cried a little more. I guess the deck cry wasn't all that was needed - and once the shower cry was over with I began to really feel much better.
For the rest of the day, I decided to just spend some time alone. I went grocery shopping, I worked in my office - and finally, by dinner time, I was ready to mingle with the family and start really thinking about how to get away from this depressive mood. Then, to really add insult to injury LITERALLY, I ended up kicking Jelly's metal rocking horse while walking through the living room - and it appears I may have broken the toe next to my pinkie toe on my left foot.
It hurts like...well... a lot!! It immediately bruised up and started looking dark purple. Despite how much it hurt, I couldn't help but laugh....something else I really needed to do.
So, today is a new day. I could post my goals for what I want to do this week in regards to my working out and eating. I'm getting a little bored with that, though. I want a change. I need a change. Yes, I'm going to work out in the gym, yes I'm going to run, yes I'm going to eat what I'm supposed to. Now, let's get to some goals that will hopefully help me rid these blah feelings...
- Take one day at a time... just because I don't get an interview today or tomorrow doesn't mean I won't get one.
- Work on polishing my portfolio, and getting out to meet some principals
- Use my "emotional running" feeling as an advantage to get out and really burn some rubber
- Stop and take deep breaths several times a day
- Have faith in myself
The last one is probably the most important, but the hardest to do. I have to have faith in myself. I have to believe that I am capable of making great things happen. Look at the success I've had with my weight loss. I need to look at my job hunt as the first day I decided I was going to lose weight. It was no longer a possibility, it was something I had to set my heart and soul on. I have to push past the fear of failure. I have to start doing the work... jobs don't fall into my lap any more than weight flies off my body from sitting on my behind.
I know I've said this before, but if you'd have told me two years ago that I'd be sitting here typing this 84lbs lighter and now at 212lbs having two 5K races under my belt, the ability to run 12 minute intervals, AND preferring to run in a time of emotional agony rather than eat... I would have told you that you were NUTSO!! Now look at me.
It's time to get my head into that mindset. Believing that it's possible. Believing that there is a job out there for me - and even though it may not happen this week, next month, or even by the next school year... I will get the job. I will find a principle that believes in me, that's willing to give me a chance, that's willing to make my dream come true. I just have to get out there and find him/her.
My mantra for this month is Willpower. I have willpower. I don't feel weaker just because I have days of weakness. Being weak is what makes me stronger. It's what makes the strength in me come out and fight. I never give up - it's just not who I am. I am a fighter. I am strong. I will succeed.
Till next time. ;)
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