Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like you can't catch a break? You wake up on Cloud 9, birds singing, warm breeze blowing through the air...you decide the moment you wake up that the day is going to be perfect. Then BAM, out of nowhere, one tiny piece of information makes all those feelings disappear.
I would be lying if I didn't say I was disappointed by finding out I wasn't going on the trip - but the more I think about it, the more I feel like the trip was just the icing on the cake - the tipping point of some feelings that I've been bottling up...trying desperately to keep contained.
I know that a lot of it has to do with the stress of trying to find a job. The worry that comes with waiting to see if anyone will give me an interview, if any principal will be willing to take a chance on me....offer me a job. It's a scary feeling. I've planned and prepared for this for the past four years - or so I thought - but now that it's here - I'm terrified.
I start to wonder if the stress related to that is what is affecting my weight loss - or lack thereof. I know I'm making the effort with my working out and even more so with my eating... but is the stress keeping those pounds firmly attached to me?
I know I always come here - to my sanctuary that is my blog - and put on a happy face. It's not a persona or a front...trying to be positive is really how I want to feel, it's how I try to feel...but it doesn't always work. I can try and be positive, determined - try to push all those hopeless feelings to the pit of my stomach... but there's only so much room down there. Pretty soon, those feelings start to build up until they finally want to spill out of me.
It seems like every day I hear that one of my fellow interns has been called about an interview. I put on my happy face for them - because I am truly happy for them - and then that funk sets in. The "how come I haven't gotten a call?" "What do I need to do to help me get that kind of opportunity?" funk.
I will say, however, that if all of this was happening two years ago - my reactions would be so different. Rather than coming here and pouring my heart out, I'd be hunting for food. Fried, salty, sweet, chocolaty...any or even all of the above. I would eat hoping that the pain or stress would disappear with each mouthful. I would eat until I couldn't shovel another bite in.
That didn't happen yesterday. It hasn't happened today. I have no urge to even enter the kitchen. I have no craving for anything. I have no feeling that food will make me feel better. On the contrary...what I want to do is go and run. I want to run as hard as I can - I want to let my mind wander as the music plays in my ear, the wind blows in my face....I just want to run.
So, two years ago I was an emotional eater. Heck, a year ago I was still an emotional eater. I am not about to declare to the world that my emotional eating addiction is gone - it's never truly gone. What I can say is that at this moment, with these feelings, it's not emotional eating I'm after....it's emotional running.
I don't know if going out for my run today will magically make all of this pain disappear. The food never helped - I'm not going to hope the running will either. It's just the fact that the difference in my "comfort activity" has taken a dramatic change.
Look at me. Even when I come here to pour my heart and soul out - I end up trying to steer the post in a positive direction. I guess it really does say a lot about who I am.
So, today I am hurting. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to cry until no more tears will fall. I want to run away - and keep running until the pain is gone.
It's not the trip. It really isn't. I've been holding this in for days, weeks now. I look back at the past couple of weeks and notice the patterns. Not wanting to get out of the bed in the morning. Not wanting to face the world. Wanting nothing more than just sleep the days away. I have no motivation to really do anything.
I'm unhappy. There, I said it. I can't tell you the exact reason. The mixture of everything that's going on in my life right now mixed together with the stress and thrown in with a big helping of Plateau blues. Like I said, the trip was just the icing - not even the icing, more like the cherry on top. It was small and insignificant, but it was enough to make me confront these demons that are haunting me.
I can't sit here and tell you how I'm going to fix it - because, well, I have no idea. I just needed to get this off my chest. Get it out in the open. Put down the words that are really filling up my mind. No happy faces today or positive hopes. This is just Me - exposed for all to see.
Now, I am going to retreat to the one place I want to be...the track. I will run until I no longer feel the need to run. It's not about completing the 5K I pledged I will run each Sunday....maybe I will make it, maybe I won't. It's not about how far, how fast...it's just going out there to do it. And do it, I will.
Till next time.
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