What a weekend.
There was good. There was bad. There was happy. There was sad. No, I'm not turning in to Dr. Seuss, as cool as that just sounded!!
Another week is starting, and I'm on the fence with how I feel about how my weight loss progress is going. Actually, I'm more over the fence, with my pant leg caught causing me to dangle uncontrollably - it's quite the mental picture, right?
On Friday, I weighed 230.6lbs.
That means I'd gained 4lbs since September 5th. That was the day that I declared that I was supposed to be starting over - remember?
Then, I end up with some crazy infection thingy on Friday that caused my entire face to turn into a balloon. I was scared to eat anything - even though the pain was gone by Saturday. I did eat, though...but avoided sweets or anything too hard. I ate things like Oatmeal, tomato soup, and tuna.
This morning, I weigh 228.4lbs. I lost 2lbs in 3 days.
See what would happen if I had the mentality to avoid sweets and hard food every day? I'd lose a killer amount of weight!!
The worst and best thing is, that number reflects me sitting on the couch most of the weekend. I did do some cleaning yesterday - but nothing I would consider to be noteworthy. I vacuumed and shampooed the carpet in Butter's room....oh, and moved his bed, dresser, and desk. Maybe a little noteworthy.
I updated my weight loss counter this morning, and now I'm pretty sad. Seeing that 69 puts me back so many steps. I remember the day that counter boosted numbers in the 80lbs+ (closer to 90) lost range.
I've realized that I'm set on a collision course....I'm headed for the brick wall of Starting Weight. The number I looked at almost two years ago.
I know that 69lbs is still a lot - but the number has dwindled away drastically. Only a few months ago, I sat a few pounds away from Onderland. Now that goal is, once again, a long way off in the distance.
I'm so mad and disappointed with myself. I've had so many opportunities to do something about it...urm, like every single day. If I gave up the crap food once and for all. If I took my butt outside and did some form of exercising - doesn't even have to be running. I could just go for a walk...that would be better than what I've been doing...which is absolutely NOTHING!!
And so here I sit, once again, whining. Whose fault is it? Duh! Mine. If I put as much energy into my weight loss as I do whining - I'd set a record for the amount of weight loss a person can lose in a month!
All weekend, I made conscious choices not to eat anything bad - because I realized that if I did have an infected tooth, the last thing I needed was food that made the infection worse. Now, if I just looked at my entire body being infected - maybe I'd have some results.
It's amazing to me that something like an infected tooth completely changes my outlook on eating. Never mind that I can't fit in to my clothes, or that when I look in the mirror I see the girl who weighed almost 300lbs again. You'd think those things would set a fire up my behind. I worried about my tooth - but what about the rest of my body?
I'm infecting it every day.
Every time I cram donuts or hot dogs or chips or ice-cream down my throat, I'm feeding the infection that's causing my entire body to swell up. No amount of medicine is going to cause this infection to go away. It's stuck in my head - and I'm going to have to fight it. I'm going to have to use my own defenses. I'm not going to lie - it frightens me.
I know what you're all thinking. You've read and heard this all before. Many, many times before.
I know you have. And I'm sorry. I wish the story was different.
I know that I have the power inside of me to change all of this. The fire hasn't completely burned out - it's just been set on an extremely low flame.
Yesterday, I went grocery shopping. I went without a list or a meal plan. I hate shopping without either. One thing that I have got myself set on is planning out the weekly meals. Even though the meals haven't been the healthiest of options - I still prepare myself each weekend and make a list of the foods we'll be eating during the week. That didn't happen yesterday.
Do you know what did happen yesterday? I found myself skipping the snack aisle. I bought foods that I enjoy - when I'm eating healthy. I bought Healthy Choice and Lean Cuisine meals to take to work for lunches. I stocked up on chicken and lean meats for dinner options this week. I grabbed whole wheat spaghetti, long grain rice, and brown rice without batting an eyelid. I grabbed the multi grain bread without even giving it a second thought.
It all made me realize that my body is conditioned to lose the weight - it's just got to put all of the pieces together. I know how to eat. I know what to eat. It's not something I have to think about or plan for. Skipping the snack aisle was the biggest accomplishment. That's been my biggest down fall. Every week for the past....geez..months... there's been chips, cookies, and ice-cream in my cart when it's time to check out. Not this time. OK, there was ice-cream....well, it was frozen yogurt. It was mainly for Peanut and Jelly, but I figured if I was going to buy something - it would be frozen yogurt in small cups. Bonus points?? I think so!!
Maybe it was the teeny, tiny voice inside of me that's trying hard to break myself free of the fat jail I've locked myself into. Maybe it was the back draft of the tooth. I don't know what it was - but it didn't even dawn on me until we got home and I was unpacking the loot that I realized what I had done.
Whatever it was, it was a start. A small step in the right direction. Now, it's up to me to keep going in that direction. I hope I can do it. I want to do it. I am the only thing standing in the way.
Till next time. ;)
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