Don't Try to Understand Me

I'm so sad and angry right now.  Why? Because yesterday afternoon, Mother Nature decided to have a mood swing and dump about 2" of snow down on us.  And to make matters worse, she must REALLY be ticked off because it's supposed to continue snowing pretty much all day long and dump another 2-4" down on us.

Why on earth she couldn't have this mood swing in the middle of the week, I don't know, but now my whole weekend is ruined... and it was THE weekend I'd been waiting on for over a month.  This weekend, I was supposed to be watching the Ronda Rousey fight with the person that has gotten me in to UFC fighting.  And it was the fight that I'd really been looking forward to, like REALLY looking forward to because I've never seen her fight an actual fight before.  

I can still watch the fight, and I plan on it.  But it won't be the same.  It's almost like Valentine's Day all over again.  I get to sit all alone in my living room, watching a fight I should be enjoying with him. And it just SUCKS!!

It's been almost a week since I've gotten to see him, and that's hard on me.  It's one of the reasons I was so upset yesterday in my blog post, because I had really wanted to spend some time with him on Thursday and he shut me down.  I let it go, though, because I knew that we'd at least be able to watch the fight together tonight... and now that's not going to happen.  Now I have no idea when we'll be able to see each other.  

Even though we are only friends, our time together is important to me.  That is not a mutual thing between us, as he made apparent on Thursday night.  It's easier for him because he has friends and family right there with him all of the time.  I don't.  It's just me and the kids at my house, now, and it sure does get pretty lonely, pretty quickly.

It's statements like the one I just made that probably led a concerned friend to post a little quote thing on my Facebook yesterday that said...

"You are responsible for your own happiness.  If you expect others to make you happy, chances are you'll end up disappointed."

There's a lot of truth in that statement, but what I don't think anyone quite realizes is the fact that he makes me happy without me expecting him to.  No, his actions don't make me happy.  The way he often treats me doesn't make me happy.  But, that's because I'm not expecting him to make me happy.. that's something that happens without anything he does.  I'm happy when he's happy, I'm sad when he's sad, I'm happy when I get to spend time with him, I'm sad when I don't.  Those are all my own choices... I AM responsible for the way I choose to be happy.  And I know that makes absolutely no sense to anyone else but me, but I understand.  It's impossible to explain.

I don't expect anything from him, because I do know that when I do I end up disappointed.  I do know that.  I understand that.  I really do.  And that's not his fault.  He's told me what to expect from him, and I continue to go along with it.  That's MY choice.  I am 100% responsible for what I continue to go through, because in the end I know that without him I'd be 100 times more unhappy than what I am right now.  

I believe in No Pain, No Gain.  In order to get some good out of something, there has to be some bad. There has to be heartbreak, upset, and disappointment in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Just being around him makes that light so much brighter.  There doesn't need to be intimacy, it's not about that.  It's just the fact that I am happy spending time with him.  

He's basically my best friend.  The best friend that I would do anything for, will do anything for, and have done everything I can, so far, to make him understand that I'm not going anywhere and I'll always be there for him.  That's my choice.  I don't expect the same from him.  I haven't asked for the same from him.  Because that's not what this is all about.  It is a one way street, and I'm driving the street alone, and that is all my own doing.

I know that it makes no sense to anyone else, but honestly?  I don't care!!  There I said it.  I'm so tired of how people look at me, judge me, feel sorry for me.  STOP IT!!  I have never asked for sympathy or understanding from anyone.  Just because I write about how sad I am sometimes doesn't mean I expect anyone to feel sorry for me... it's just my way of dealing with everything.  I am perfectly fine.  I am strong enough and smart enough to know how much I can deal with, and believe me, I was built to handle A LOT.  I would NEVER continue on this path if I didn't think I was cut out for it or strong enough to handle everything that's thrown my way.  

Maybe I do care too much.  Maybe I do worry more about him than I worry about myself.  Maybe I do put his happiness before my own.  But that's because those actions mean something to ME.  They mean a lot to me.  Nobody has ever done any of those things for me, before.  Nobody has ever cared that much about me in that way.  And I know how that feels.  It's a sad, lonely feeling.  By doing those things for him, it makes me happy... gives me some hope...challenges me to be stronger... helps me overcome my own weaknesses and insecurities.

It's no secret that I do all of those things because one day, he might realize what I've done, might realize how I've always been there, and might realize that we could be pretty freakin' happy together.  I don't know if that day will ever come, but you can bet your last dollar that I'll never give up.  

Fifteen years ago, I was told I would never amount to anything.  I would be a single mom, living on welfare for the rest of my life, struggling to make ends meet.  I didn't give up on the fact that I wouldn't allow that to happen.  I worked hard.  I paid my bills.  And I gave my kids everything they needed.  It wasn't easy.. it was downright TOUGH.  But I did it.

Fourteen years ago, I was told that I'd never break free from the horrible relationship I was in.  I would continue to put up with the abuse, and I'd continue to be unhappy.  I didn't give up on the fact that I'd free myself, free my children, and prove that I had what it takes to be strong.  It wasn't easy.. it was downright TOUGH.  But I did it.

Eight years ago, I was told I'd never be able to make it through college with two kids, working, and trying to support a family.  I didn't give up on the fact that I'd do it.  I did make it through college.  I added another child to the mix.  I worked, I studied, I took care of my kids, and I graduated.  It wasn't easy.. it was downright TOUGH.  But I did it.

I am no stranger at being told I can't do something, or I shouldn't do something.  I am no stranger to being told what's best for me, and how I should live my life.  But, you know what?  It's MY life.  I make my own choices, I do what I want to do, and I face whatever challenges are thrown my way.  Nobody controls me, nobody has that power over me... everything I do is because I have made the choice to do it.  

I appreciate the concern, I do.  But, sometimes I just gotta say what I gotta say.  

I'm a big girl.  I take on what I can handle and no more.  But, like I said, I can handle a lot.  I will gladly take on the challenges that are thrown my way.  I don't give up.  I don't walk away from something I truly want.  It just isn't who I am.  

So, it's probably best that everyone stop trying to figure me out, stop worrying about me, and let me just do my thing.  I am responsible for my own happiness, and the choices I make to achieve it are my own choices.  That is all.

Just Take Out the Batteries

                                      

Sometimes I feel just like a toy.  One of those toys that kids get that they play with for a few days straight, then they get bored with it and toss it in to the corner.  Every now and then, when there's nothing else to do, the kid gets the toy out, dusts it off, and plays with it for a little while.  But, then it's back in to the corner.  And then eventually, the kid gets so bored with the toy that they decide to get the idea that it would be fun to start pulling the toy apart, breaking off pieces here and there, crippling and mangling the toy until it's almost unrecognizable.

That's what I've felt like, yet the difference between me and that toy?  I have feelings.

I have felt what it's like to be the toy that's played with and enjoyed for a while.  I have felt what it's like to be the toy that has some use when there's nothing else to do.  And I have most definitely felt what it's like to be pulled apart, pieces broken off, and crippling me just for the sake of pure enjoyment.

And just like that toy, no matter what damage is done, it doesn't matter to the kid who the toy belongs to.  

If those toys had feelings, if they could speak, if they could react, it would be a miserable life to live.  They would scream for someone to just remove the batteries, so that they wouldn't have to endure the torture of resentment, being tossed away when something better comes along, being pulled out only when there's nothing better to do, and the sheer pain that comes from the sick pleasure of being broken.

And the worst part is the fact that, if that toy had an ability to feel, they'd tell you that all they want is to make their kid happy.  Bring some pleasure to the life of whoever they belong to.  And that they don't expect to be played with all the time, but they don't like to be forgotten either. 

Unfortunately, I'm not a toy, so I feel every. single. bit of it.

And the worst part is, the more I beg for the torture to stop, the more enjoyable it seems to continue.  

Apparently, it's fun to test my durability.  See just how much I can take before I snap into a million pieces that are impossible to be put back together.  I already feel like I've been glued and duct taped back together too many times to count, and each time some damage is repaired, it makes it a little more difficult for me to perform to my original standards. 

But, I'm not a toy.  I shouldn't be treated as one.  I shouldn't be played with, only serve a purpose when there's nothing better to do, or broken in to pieces out of pure enjoyment.  I'm better than that.  I deserve better than that.  

I definitely don't mind being called upon when someone wants to spend time with me, but what about when I want to spend time with them?  Why should my feelings and desires be less important?  Why  should I have to sit around waiting for the shots to be called?  How is it fair that I do so much to make others happy when they get so much pleasure from my pain?

It's not fair.  It's not right.  

I am not a toy, but I still have delicate pieces.  Pieces that once they are broken, are dang near impossible to repair.  Pieces that no amount of glue or duct tape could ever fix.  And as much as I would love it, I have no batteries that can be taken out to spare me from the pain that I endure.  

Yet, just like a toy, I put up with it.  I cling to the hope that I'll be played with, that someone will enjoy spending time with me, waiting around in the corner hoping that today will be the day that my kid gets bored enough to put me to some use.  

And all I can say is why?

Why treat me that way?  What did I do to deserve it?  Why get so much pleasure from my pain, when all I do is try and make you happy?  Why try and break me? 

When all I do is try and give you comfort, happiness, and love.. that is the thanks that I get.  

The sad part is, there are others out there that wouldn't treat me that way.  They wouldn't do what is being done to me.  They would give their right arm to show me what I'm trying to show someone else. Yet, I put up with it.  I let it to continue.  I allow myself to be played with, just like a toy.  

Call me stupid, call me crazy... but also call me loyal.  Because I don't know many people who would put up with it.. yet I do.  No matter what, I still sit in that corner hoping and waiting for some attention.  No matter what, I swallow away the pain that comes from the torture.  No matter what, I continue to try and bring some happiness even when I feel so damaged.

Because in my twisted head, I hope and pray that one day.... one day... when all the other toys have found a new owner, or have finally broken from their own torture, I will still be sitting in that corner, ready to play, ready to be there.  And then you will finally realize what I meant by ALWAYS. I will always be the one there for you, through good times and bad, when everyone else has turned their back on you or given up... I will still be there.  Waiting.

When you least expect it, I'll be the toy you pull out of the box and realize that you've had me since you were a kid, you'll remember the good times and the bad, the memories we made together, and then... maybe then... you'll realize how I always stood by you, was there for you, and deserves to be there with you again.

Good things come to those who wait, huh?

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Look Inside and You Will See....

The last couple of days, I've been making some references to the fact that I don't like being taken at face value and that there's more to me than most people are willing to get to know.  That raised a few questions and people got curious to what I meant by that.  Am I one person to some, another person to others?  Am I hiding away an alter ego that only comes out at certain times?  Am I trying to be someone that I'm not?  And so on.

My comment about being taken at face value simply means that many people look at me and see one thing, yet it's not what I want them to see.

I often wonder what people sometimes think when they look at me.  Not so much what they think about me, more about what they see in me.  I know that I'm a pretty ordinary looking girl.  I'm not exactly beautiful, but I'm not ugly.  I have flaws, I have imperfections, and I definitely can't compete to some of the "babes" that are out there.  

But looks are surface level stuff.

A few weeks ago, someone told me that they dream about my eyes.  Something about looking in to them and seeing things... a world of mystery.  And for a split second in that moment, I got a glimpse of someone trying to see what was inside of me.  What thoughts I had, what pains I went through, and my dreams and fantasies for the future.  

I have read somewhere that the eyes are the gateway to the soul.  Some people have the ability to look deep in to someone's eyes and know what they are thinking, what they are feeling, and what they desire.  I am not one of those people.  I don't have that ability.  But, I like to believe that my eyes can be the gateway in to my soul and that the right person could probably know everything there is to know about me by looking in to my eyes.

I have often said that I am an open book.  I write about my life, my thoughts, and my feelings.  Many people think that I spill way too much of myself in to these blogs.  But what those people don't realize is that the words I share on these pages are just a minuscule amount of what I am.  Who I am.  They are also deceiving, because I often say a lot and then what I have to say is taken completely wrong or out of context and what people assume about me ends up way off from what I originally intended.

But, there are a select few people out there that read what I have to say and can connect.  They understand, or can at least relate to what I'm trying to say.  They feel similar connections to people, have similar insecurities, or are dealing with similar situations and understand where I'm coming from.

People who thought they knew me well are now questioning that fact.  People that didn't know me at all are now understanding me better.  It fascinates me how connections between people work.

Chemistry between people is a fascinating thing.  I have often wondered what causes certain connections between people.  I often wonder why one person can love another so much, give so much of themselves to that person, yet the other person feels nothing.  Then, you find out that someone feels that exact same way about you, and then you feel nothing for them.  What goes on in our minds and bodies to cause such chemistry?  Is it a cosmic connection?  Is it destiny?  Is it biological?  

I know that if someone really wanted to get to know the real me, look inside and see what I'm hiding, I'd compare what they'd see to fire.  Burning, giant flames of desire.  In the past few months those flames have risen to great heights.  They flare during good times, they flare even more during the bad.  I have felt more emotions in the past two months than I have the past fifteen years of my life.  Yet, even though those flames have been raging out of control, I have done everything in my power to keep the fire out of my eyes, keep them extinguished from the surface, and try and pretend that I'm not burning from the inside out.  Sometimes the flames burn a little out of control and rush to the surface.  And that comes from my anger and confusion at wanting something so badly, yet not being able to do anything to get it.  

All I can do now is try and control the fire.  Keep it locked away the best that I can, and hope that eventually the blaze will start to smolder.  The flames will never die out, I know that for sure.  Nothing will ever replace the feelings I have, but hopefully they will start to decrease to a manageable level.

In my chest beats a heart that has been bashed, beaten, and tested beyond limits.  Yet it still beats.  There are days that I wonder if it will continue beating because it feels so empty, and there are days that it beats so strong I wonder if it will stay in my chest.  

And, I often ask myself how someone can't understand how much of a beating to my heart I'm willing to take for them.  How can someone, like myself, have so much love to give, so much desire to make another happy, is willing to take so much pain and so much agony, and not break from it all?  Why am I not able to give up?  Why am I not able to turn away?  Why am I not able to put out the fire that burns inside of me?

Why am I not good enough?

That's the question it really boils down to.  No matter what I'm feeling, what I'm willing to do, what lengths I'm willing to travel to, the question remains why am I not good enough? 

Inside of me, I know that I have the ability to be there, make someone happy, give them all I have to give... but it's not good enough.  I'm not good enough.  

And that's a very painful pill to swallow.

There's nothing I can do about it.  Lord knows I've tried, I'm trying.  I have tried to prove myself, my worth, my willingness to be there.  And, I know that these thoughts will lead to concern from some, and others will tell me to give up, move on... that it's not worth it.

But, it is worth it.  To me.

I may not ever be good enough to get what my heart truly desires.  But, the road I am traveling comes with great lessons.  I'm learning each day new things about myself.  Boundaries I'm willing to cross, challenges I'm willing to face.  My path may not lead to what I truly want, but they will end up leading me somewhere.  I truly believe that.  And I'm willing to travel the road and see what's waiting for me at the end.

I may not be good enough for what I want, but maybe there's something else waiting for me that I don't even know about yet.  And I might as well keep going down the path until I find it.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T....Find Out What it Means to ME!

                                        

Yesterday was one of those days that drained my emotions and left me with that "I'll be so glad when this day is over" feeling.  I hate days like that.  But, they seem to come less frequent than they did a few weeks ago.  And that's because I honestly think I'm starting to wake up from my dream world, realize what's going on around me, and understand that I'm not a door mat for people to walk all over.  

I am convinced that there are just some people in this world who can't be pleased.  No matter what you do for them or what you're willing to do for them, it's never enough.  And it's so emotionally draining to the soul, that you have to finally stand up and say enough is enough.  You can't appreciate me?  You can't understand the sacrifices and the lengths I go to for you?  Then, shove it where the sun don't shine and move on, my friend.

Peanut and I had a long conversation in the car, yesterday, and it was a great wake up call to who I am, who I am becoming, and who I am meant to be.  That girl is WAY beyond her years, and her wisdom speaks volumes.  She notices her surroundings, takes in everything, lets it digest a while, and then speaks her mind.  That's one thing I can say I had a lot to do with instilling inside of her.  Even though I may be a little impulsive and react without thinking everything through, recently, I haven't always been like that.  I have, up until a few months ago, been the person that plans, prepares, calculates, and thinks about EVERYTHING.  

The only thing I don't like is the fact that she can read me like a book.  If she asks how my day was and I tell her it was good, fine, or OK, she can look at me and know instantly if I'm being honest or if I'm just giving her the generic response of "don't worry about me".  Yesterday was one of those days where she was able to call me out in an instant.  Even though I don't like to tell her what's bothering me or what my problems are, she can usually make a pretty good assessment of a situation and figure stuff out for herself.  Yesterday, that was the case.  She didn't know what was bothering me, she just knew something was bothering me.  But, it wasn't about what was bothering me that made her take notice, it was the way I was handling it.  She noticed the anger rather than the sadness, and that actually made her happy.  

Peanut told me that she didn't like the person I was a few weeks ago.  The woman that cried herself to sleep, cried if a certain song came on the radio, hid away from everyone, and in her words was "depressed".  She told me that I'm not that person.  She's seen me go through a lot of bad stuff over the years, and one thing she's always loved about me is my fighter attitude.  The never give up, it will all work out attitude.  The I will kick your rear if you mess with me attitude.  And yesterday, she noticed I'm starting to get it back.  

And she's right.  

I have really lost sight of who I am, the past couple of months.  I am the woman that demands respect.  You show me respect, I'll show you respect.  I will be honest with you, and I expect that in return.  Trust is something I don't give out easily, so if I give it to you then it means something.  And loyalty is something I only give to those that truly stand out from the pack.  I am loyal to my children, unconditionally.  And if someone else manages to fall in to that category of earning my loyalty, they have won the jackpot... because it does NOT come easily.  What I'm willing to do for those I am loyal to is pretty much go to the ends of the earth.  There's not much I wouldn't do, actually.  Which is why it is such a rarity in my being to give it to anyone but my kids.

But, as Peanut brought light to yesterday, it wasn't respect for others that I had lost, it was respect for myself.  I was so willing to please someone else, I was giving up who I am.  I was breaking myself down, losing myself in the shuffle.  I was grasping at straws that weren't there, clinging to hope that was long gone, and praying to all things holy that my actions (however pathetic they were) would speak volumes of my respect, honesty, trust, and loyalty for someone else.  But, what about the respect, honesty, trust, and loyalty that I deserve?

So, I decided to come up with a little acrostic of how I define respect...what I expect, and how I show it.  Here goes...

R - Realize what is being done for you

E - Eliminate those that don't appreciate you or what you're willing to do 

S - Stand strong, and don't let others walk all over you

P - Practice humility and understand the feelings of others

E - Empower yourself, and take notice of what empowers you 

C - Care for those that show you care

T - Trust your instincts 

That's what respect means to me, or some of it.  I take notice when someone goes out of their way for me, and I expect others to do the same when I go out of my way for them.  If people don't understand the sacrifices I make for them or how much I do for them, it's time to eliminate them from my life.  Then, there's more to go around for the people that do appreciate what I do.  When life is breaking me down, I need to stand strong and understand that it will all work out.  Nothing has broken me before, it's not going to break me now.  I need to practice humility and understand what others may be feeling.  The problem I have is putting other people's feelings before my own, and that's something I really need to work on NOT doing.  I am empowered by my weaknesses and I notice those weaknesses.  Then I use them to build myself up and move on.  Caring for others is something I can do, but it's choosing the right people. If I'm draining myself for the sake of someone else, there are changes that need to be made.  And, trusting my instincts is imperative.  I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason.  Some of the things I do may not make sense at the time, but eventually I get to understand why I fought the battles in the first place.

I am so sick and tired of being the person people know they can depend on.  I am sick and tired of being the person that cares so much about making others happy, that I lose my own happiness in the process.  I am so sick and tired of being the first person on someone's list if they need something, when my own list of people I can call upon is empty.  And I'm so sick and tired of being taken at face value, when there's so much more to me that people don't even know exists.

Peanut was right yesterday, I am not the person I've been showing the past few weeks.  It's not who I am.  I changed who I was because I thought that was what was wanted... but I'm quickly realizing that I've spent too much of my life changing for the sake of others.  I change myself to please others.  I do things I don't want to do, I put a smile on my face when I'm dying inside, and I pretend that life is peachy when I want to scream my lungs out.  

It's time to let that go and have a little respect for myself.  I am who I am.  If that's not good enough, then so be it.  I'm done pretending.  I'm done trying to be someone that I'm not.  And I'm most definitely done with cowering down and locking myself in to myself.  

I respect myself too much to allow it to continue anymore.  

So, have a great day, everyone.  I'm going to.  No. Matter. What.

My Weird Pet Peeves

Going back to work yesterday was tough, after being off for ten days.  I mean, I enjoyed being there, I enjoyed seeing my kiddos, and I had a good day, but I was exhausted by the time it was all over.  My head hurt, and I wanted to do nothing more than lay on the couch.  Couldn't do that, though, cause I had to work on my paper that's due this Wednesday.  I'm hoping to get that finished up this evening, and then I'm on the home stretch until the next class starts in a couple of weeks.

Anywho, I've realized that when I'm tired, I have the weirdest thoughts.  I start thinking about the day's events, who I've spoken to, what I've done, things that I've enjoyed, and things that drive me nuts.  Last night my head was swirling with some of the things that upset me when they really shouldn't.  I guess I call them pet peeves, but I'm not really sure that's what it is.  It's more like me getting irritated by stuff that probably shouldn't irritate me.

Case in point today?  Being called "sweet".  

I don't know why, but when someone says I'm sweet, I get a nasty pull in my stomach.  When someone says "you're too sweet", in my head I hear "ugh, I could barf" or "haha, you're such a pushover".  Or it's a combination of them both... "you're so sweet, I could barf at how much of a pushover you are". 

I know it's stupid, and being called sweet should be taken as a compliment.  But, I've never claimed for my mind to work right.  I think my blogs over the past few weeks have proven that I'm not exactly the owner of a clear mind, so I guess I can't be blamed for how I take silly little things like being called "sweet".

I guess it also has a lot to do with who it's coming from and what context it's being used in.  I guess it also depends on which people have gotten to know the different sides of me.  There are many sides to me.

If you ask the kiddos in my class for words to describe me, I highly doubt you'd hear "sweet".  They'd say I'm funny, I can be a little mean sometimes, I am fun, and I care a lot about them.  Maybe.  HA!

If you ask my kids, depending on the day, they'd probably say I'm loving, caring, funny, and hardworking. They'd also probably tell you not to tick me off if you wanna see the good side.

If you ask my best friend, she'd probably say I'm funny, loyal, a little crazy, but someone who doesn't take crap from anyone... or almost anyone.

If you asked my boss, he'd probably say I'm passionate, caring, strict, and I care about my job and how well I do it.

If you asked someone who doesn't care for me at all and has good reason not to, they'd tell you I'm a bitch, I'd kick their behind in a heartbeat, and not to cross me.  Because if they hate me for a reason, then the reason I've given comes with all of those things.

Being called "sweet" just isn't a word I'm used to hearing, and I've decided that I don't like it.  Call me crazy, you won't be the first, but it's just how I roll.  If I've gone in to "sweet" territory, then I've passed a border I'm not happy about crossing.  I don't mind being called nice, or thoughtful, or even caring... but even those words need to be taken with a grain of salt.  I guess I can be nice, I can be pretty thoughtful, and for the right people I am very caring... but it takes a while before you can get me to those points, unless you're someone I really care for.

I guess it's not so much being called "sweet", but more of how I'm looked at.  If the impression you have of me is "she's such a sweet girl", then I'm probably guarding myself up, keeping my mouth shut, and the fire that burns inside of me isn't igniting like it should around you.

I actually take pride from not being sweet.  I'm a fighter.  I'm passionate.  I'm strong.  A little crazy?  Yes, sometimes.. but my craziness comes from the fact that I'm fueled by emotion.  I guess it's why I write so much.  It's hard to process the thoughts that are constantly running through my head, and sometimes I think it's better to just keep my mouth shut, put a smile on my face, and let you believe that I'm a sweet girl rather than let you know what's really going on up there. 

Calling me sweet, in my mind, is saying I did something nice just because that's who I am - a nice person.  It says nothing about the purpose or the motivation.  Like I'm just programmed to be that way, and that I'm that way for everyone.

That's not me.

If I do something nice, there's a purpose.  There's a motivation.  And, if those things aren't apparent, then I've slipped in to a territory I don't want to be in.  

There's purpose and motivation in everything I do.  

Sometimes my silly thoughts are nothing more than that:  Silly thoughts.  Maybe this is one of them.  Maybe.  

But, when I take in my surroundings, I quietly watch from the sidelines, and I start to see events unfolding before my eyes that raise some caution, I start to put pieces together.  

And today is one of those dangerous days.  My mind is flaring at 100mph.  I've been watching.  I've been taking everything in.  I've been processing.  I've been reflecting.  

I've come to the conclusion that I definitely take things wrong, I take things out of context, and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing.  I overthink everything.. constantly.  But, and it's a BIG BUT, don't underestimate me.  Don't assume anything about me.  

Me being "sweet" probably means I have my guard up.  It probably means my walls are firmly in place. It means you could only be seeing the surface of me.  And it probably means you think I'm just a nice person.  

I am a nice person.  I can be.  But that's not all there is.  

Dear Ms. Anonymous....

The past couple of blog posts I've written, I've received a comment by an anonymous sender who apparently knows the guy I've been talking about in my blogs.  The only way to reply to an anonymous comment is by posting the comment and then responding on my blog.  I'm not going to do that.  I'm not going to post what she has to say on my blog, but I will take a few minutes to write a public response.  I don't need to hide by anonymity.  And, I might as well make it public for any other women who decide to say anything to me on the same subject.

Dear Ms. Anonymous...

First and foremost, thanks for the comments.  I always appreciate feedback.  It means you've taken the time to read what I have to say, and apparently you didn't like what I have to say.  Sorry to upset you, darlin', but you're not the first person to say hateful things to me, won't be the last.  But, you did bring up a few points that I feel the need to address here.  If you don't like what I have to say, then please, by all means, come out from behind your anonymous cover and tell me who you are.  Until then, I have no choice but to write this for the whole world to see.

Let me tell you right now, I am not in a competition with you.  And sorry to burst your bubble if that's what you think.  I don't have time for petty cat fights over who he's talking to.  You are not the first jealous girl I've had to deal with since knowing him.  I'm sure you won't be the last.  And that's OK with me... cause like I said, it's not a competition.  He has flat out told me that I better get used to dealing with the likes of you for the rest of my life, and that is one aspect I'm perfectly content with.  

If the time should ever come where I am in a situation where I'm fighting for him, then you'll know.  But right now, we are friends.  Which means he can talk to whoever the heck he wants to talk to.  He can talk about whatever he wants to.  So, he's sending you text messages when he and I are together?  Big whoop.  I'd much rather have the time we spend together than text messages any day.  

You say he tells you I guilt him in to spending time with him.  You say he tells you I'm pathetic.  You say he tells you about me being close with his family, and using that as a way to get closer to him.  You say he can't really stand me, and only does spend time with me because he feels sorry for me.

You say a lot of things.  You apparently know quite a bit about me.  Which is funny, because I know nothing of you.  How many times does my name come up in the conversations that you have with him?  I have my suspicions on who you are, but because you insist on hiding I can't speak to you directly.  But know this, sweetheart, if what you say is true, he sure does spend a lot of time talking to you about me, apparently.  And, I'll take that.  I'm OK with it.  

I do have something to say about the comment you made about him using me.  You say he's only using me to get what he wants, that you guys laugh at how pathetic I am for trying to buy his love, and how when he's gotten everything he needs from me, he'll be gone.

Well, let me tell YOU something...

I can not and will not believe for one second that what you say about him is true.  I agree that his feelings for me may not be the same as the feelings I have for him, but I know that he would NEVER do me that way.  I know with all my heart that he appreciates what I've done, and knows that I will continue to do what I need to do.  He knows that no matter what, my first and foremost intention is to make him happy.  It's the promise I made, and one that I will keep.  

He knows that I will always be there for him.  If that means just being friends, then we'll just be friends. If it means more, then it'll be more.  It's called loyalty.  I am loyal to him, and he knows it.  He can trust me.  He knows that no matter what happens, I will always be there whenever he needs me.  

Do I spoil him?  You bet your ass I do.  Not because I am trying to buy his love, but because of the look in his eyes when I do it.  To capture the moment of happiness and excitement in his eyes when I've done whatever it is I've done for him makes it all worth it.  To know that I was able to bring a little happiness to him in some form or another, makes it all worth it.  You can call it whatever you want, but he hopefully knows that what I do for him, I do out of love.  It has nothing to do with being sweet, kind generous, or even pathetic.  I do NOT play that way.  I do things for the people I love, the people I care for.  My intentions are not for my gain, but for theirs.  And it actually angers me that you would say he said those things about me.  

You know why it makes me angry?  Because if he did indeed say those things to you, he probably did so trusting you'd keep those comments to yourself.  If you're going to tell me everything he says about me through an anonymous comment, you're showing how much trust he can have in you.  I don't believe he said the nasty things you said, but maybe whatever he does say about me you should keep to yourself.  You're not going to stop me from doing what I do.  

What I do know is that I was told fifteen years ago to get over him, that I'd never see him again, that he was gone for my life forever and I had to face it.  But, I never stopped believing then that he'd come back to in to my life, and I'm not going to stop believing now that there's a reason he was brought back in to my life.  

If that reason is to help him out, then that's what I'll do.  If the reason was to just be friends, then so be it.  If it was for something more, then time will tell.  What you have to say on the matter means nothing to me.  

Do I get jealous that he's talking to someone else?  Sure.  But, I'm not going to stoop so low as to send messages and anonymous comments.  Like I said before, if the time ever comes where I feel the need to fight for him, I will... but right now, I will bide my time and take what I can get.  You may call that pathetic, and maybe it is.  But, his happiness is my happiness.  When he's happy, I'm happy.  And that's all that matters.

At the end of the day, he knows I'll go to Hell and back if I have to for him.  You are nothing more to me than a beep on his phone.  I've dealt with the likes of you before, and probably will for many years to come.  You don't intimidate me or scare me.  If anything, you make me feel better.  Knowing he's talking to you about me makes me smile.  You can twist the words any way you like, but if he's spent half the time talking about me like you said he has, then it's double the time he's spent talking to me about you.

You can continue to say whatever you want about me and about him, but just know that it means nothing.  You will not break me.  You will not tear me down.  You will not make me believe the things you say.  If the time comes where I'm proven wrong, then I'll admit it... but now is not that time.  This will be the last time I have anything to say on the matter.  

Have a great day!

I've Got Nothing But Time

                              

Well, my four day weekend ended up turning in to a ten day snowmageddon break thanks to about 4" of snow that fell on Monday.  Not that I'm complaining.  It's been nice spending some time at home, and it's been good for me.  Especially so the past couple of days.

I've come to another one of my realizations, and even though I've said it many times before... I really think I get it now.  I get where I've been going wrong, I get what I've been doing wrong, and I get what I need to do from here.  And that's a good way to feel.  

So, here goes.  

He wants to be friends.  That was hard for me to swallow.  I wanted more, and my lack of patience was messing up my thoughts, playing with my head.  I have never been much of a patient person.  I've always been the type of person who, if I want something, want it RIGHT NOW.  But, I should know better than anyone that it takes time to get something I really want.  The good in my life didn't come instantly, it all took time.  A lot of time.  And I had to work really hard to get everything I wanted.  

Why I didn't see it for this situation, I don't know.  But, I do now.

Being friends has the potential of being really good for us.  Spending time together, enjoying each other's company, getting to know each other again.  Because the truth is, we're not the same kids we were fifteen years ago.  Both of us have changed, been through a lot, and even though I still believe there's a reason we were brought back together, I have to understand that we need time to take a step back and get to know each other again.

When I first fell in love with him fifteen years ago, we were the best of friends.  We really did enjoy spending time together, hanging out, and we could talk and laugh for hours.  And, I got a glimpse of that yesterday when we hung out.  I laughed, I really enjoyed the time together, and it wasn't a moment that went by that I had that stabbing pain in my chest that told me I was sad or unhappy about anything.  When I left, I felt really good, happy.  It had been a really great day without any emotional crap.  And I realized I can be OK with that.  Just being friends, being there for each other, and taking the time we both need to get to know each other again.

I still stand strong to the belief that there is nobody else out there for me.  I have no desire to even look, to be honest.  I don't need love right now, I need support, happiness, and FUN.  And I will get that by giving my support to him, doing what I can to make him happy, and having fun with him.  Because those things are what truly make me happy.  

I can't explain how much joy I get from seeing him smile, hearing him be excited about something, or joking around about stuff.  It warms my heart.  And that's what's important.  I'm happy when he's happy.  So, bringing in emotional baggage is the fast lane to upsetting him... so I'm going to stay clear away from that route.

I really can be happy with just being friends.  I am excited about it, actually.  

It gives me time to understand my feelings, gives him time too.  We can enjoy each other's company, we already know that... so why on earth I couldn't just be happy with that, I don't know.  Because that's all I really want, to spend time with him.  He makes me happy, even without the lovey dovey stuff.  And, I get the most happiness from making him happy.  Spoiling him.  Being there for him.  

And that's what I'm going to do.

Like I keep saying, I have no idea what the future holds.  I have my own vision for what I'd like for it to be, but I can't force anything.  I have no power over what will be.  I just have to take one day at a time, and enjoy the ride.  

I can spend my time moody, sad, and pushing him away, or I could spend my time, happy, content, and enjoying our time together.

And, when it comes down to it... I've got nothing but time.  Time to enjoy life, be happy, and wait and see what happens.

Who am I Trying to Convince?

Wannna hear something crazy?  Of course you do, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this in the first place.. right?

After I wrote yesterday's blog, I felt guilt.  GUILT.  Gut-wrenching, nauseating, and crippling guilt for what I had written and admitted in that post.

Then, I started seeing the comments posted on Facebook about how people were happy I was moving on, I started getting text messages telling me people were happy for me, and that they were glad I was leaving that "jerk" behind.  I was receiving encouragement for giving up, and that made the guilt a hundred times worse.

So, today, I need to clear a few things up.

First and foremost, the man I love with all my heart is NOT a jerk, an idiot, an a-hole, or any of the other things said about him yesterday.  

You don't know him like I do.  You don't know his story, what he's been through, or why he's made or making the decisions he's made.  And if the words I write make you think that about him, then I'm sorry.  I'm sorry to all of you, and more importantly to him.  

Just because he doesn't love me the way I love him doesn't make him a bad person or a mean person or anything but a person that has his own stuff to deal with, and he definitely doesn't need to be made to feel bad for his feelings.  Every person has the right to feel the way they want to feel... that doesn't make them bad, it makes them strong.  And, at the end of the day, nobody knows what will happen in the future.  I definitely don't hate the guy because he doesn't love me as much as I love him.

Second, just because I have agreed to not sit and wallow in self pity or sit around hoping and praying that some miracle will happen to make him love me doesn't mean I'm giving up on him.  It doesn't mean I'm turning my back on him.  It doesn't mean that I'm never going to speak to him again, that I hate him, or that I want nothing to do with him.

A couple of months ago, I made him a promise.  The promise that I would ALWAYS be there for him.  I promised that I would help him however I could, do whatever he needed me to do, and be there for him through thick and thin.  If every other person on this planet gave up on him, he could count on the fact that I'd be the one person still standing in his corner, willing to do whatever I needed to do to make him happy.

That promise hasn't changed.  

I know there are people out there that wonder why on earth I would be willing to do so much for a guy that doesn't give much in return.  I know there are people out there that think he's taking advantage of my kindness.  I know that there are people out there that wish I would just turn my back on him, forget about him, and move on with my life.  

But, I can't do that.  No matter what, he knows I'll be there.  He has to know I'll be there.

So, along comes the question of why?  Why do I feel so much obligation to him?  Why do I continue to do so much for him?  

Well, this may sound stupid and juvenile to some of you, but here goes....

Fifteen years ago, he was taken from me.  Without notice, without warning.  And when that happened, a piece of my heart was ripped away from me.  For fifteen years, I tried to fill that hole.  I tried everything in my power to try and mend the damage that had been caused.  But, no matter what I did, the hole was always there.

Last year, for the first time in fifteen years, that hole started to feel some healing.  When he and I first started talking again.  I knew I was with another man, and I feel terrible for feeling the way I felt when I spoke to him.  But, my heart felt full, alive, and I felt truly happy.  The relationship with the man I was with had long since died, and it was speaking to him that kept my heart beating with encouragement.

Then, I drove to Tennessee in December to finally bring him back here.  It was like all the prayers and wishes and hopes I had were starting to come true.  For the entire fifteen years we were apart, I knew at some point we would find each other again.  Not necessarily as lovers, but we would gravitate back together.  No matter what anyone believes, there is a connection between us that has never been broken.  Will never be broken.  It just may run a different course than what I had originally thought.  

And since he's been back here, I have never felt more alive and whole in fifteen years.  My heart has found it's missing piece.  My heart has been put back together.

Sure, I've felt pain, I've felt upset, I've felt agony... and that's because I had some fairy tale love story played out in my head.  In the past couple of months, I've done things I'm not proud of.  I've given in to him because I thought that's what I needed to do to make him happy.  But, I have quickly realized that's not what he needs.  He needs someone strong, someone willing to stand up to him, someone that won't be broken and crippled at his whims and desires.  And I may have realized that a tad too late, but I haven't given up the fact that I can still be that person.  I WILL still be that person.

I can't describe with words the love that I have for him.  I can't describe the way he makes me feel, or the emotions and feelings that are driven by his very being.  Just the sight of him takes my breath away.  The smell of him makes my heart beat uncontrollably.  His arms wrapped around me makes me feel like nothing on this planet can ever hurt me.  His absence makes me hurt to the depths of my soul.  

I truly and wholly believe that no man will EVER give me the feelings that he give me.

Believe me, I've tried finding it somewhere else.  But, in my heart I know it will never happen.  

Can I be happy with someone else?  Sure.  And I may end up that way.  That's OK.  But, one thing I know for sure, is that I will ALWAYS be there for the man I love with ALL of my heart.  Through thick and thin, through good times and bad, I will go to Hell and back for him if I have to.  No.  Matter.  What.

I know that some people will read this and feel sorry for me, or think that I'm stupid, or wonder what the heck I'm thinking.  But, hopefully some of you, that have been truly in love, will read this and understand.  You'll see where I'm coming from.  You'll connect with the sacrifices I'm willing to make for him, the lengths I'm willing to go.  

One thing is for sure, though, is that I'm done being the push-over.  I'm done being the weak one that gives in to his whims and desires.  I will be there for him.  I will take care of him.  I will always do whatever I can to make him happy... even if I'm not a part of that equation.  And, I will also take care of myself, focus on my own happiness, and keep myself out the funk that I allowed myself to fall in to.

So, don't try to understand me or my situation.  Please don't cast judgement on things you don't understand.  I understand.  And that's all that matters.

Moving Forward and Not Looking Back

                               

I woke up this morning to about 4" of snow on the ground.  Beautiful, white, fluffy snow.  The kind that's perfect for having a snowball fight or building a snowman.  And the fact that I looked out my window and thought about those things made me realize - I'm doing just fine.  

Yesterday was an AMAZING day.  Therapeutic and very surprising. 

After I wrote yesterday's post, I spent a lot of time doubting myself.  Could I really forget about being there for him?  Would I be strong enough to walk away?  Was it right to consider going out with someone, when my heart still belonged to someone else?

But, I forced myself to be strong.  Keep my head focused on moving forward, and I can only hope that eventually my heart will follow.  I'm sure it will take some time for my heart to agree with the decisions that I'm making, but my heart has had enough damage that it's not really safe to allow it to make any decisions right now.

The threat of bad weather was the perfect opportunity for me to back out of my plans.  I hate to admit it, but I even tried to use that as an excuse.  But, I couldn't help but melt at the text messages that came through asking for just an hour or two of time.  Just to meet for coffee or a quick bite to eat.  Just the chance to spend a little time with me - that he'd take whatever he could get.

And it was reading those messages that made me realize, that's what I have been doing.  I have sent those very messages.  Begging for just a little time, pleading for whatever I could get, and I wasn't about to do to him as had been done to me.  It felt so nice to feel wanted, for someone to want my attention, time with me.  So, I gave in and accepted the request of my time.

We met up and he asked me to follow him in my car.  We drove up to a lookout that looks over the whole town of Fayetteville.  It was absolutely breath taking, and I'd never even known the place existed.  At first I was kind of nervous, I mean it wasn't a coffee shop like we'd discussed.  It was a lookout on top of a mountain.  I wasn't scared about being alone, I was scared that he was trying to make more out of it than I was willing to put in.  But, when he told me that he took me there so that we could talk... I could talk... it all made sense.

So, we talked.  I talked.  I told him everything.  Everything I'd been holding in, everything I had done for the guy I was so in love with, I even told him about the horrible mistake I made last weekend and how even though it was out of my control, it was the first time in my life that I wished I could turn back time and do it all over.  

He listened.  He held my hand as I cried.  He hugged me when it got too hard to speak anymore.  And I apologized for taking his time to talk about someone else.  Then it was his turn to talk.  It was like I could almost see anger in his eyes when I apologized.  Not anger directed towards me, or the kind of anger that would scare me.  More of an anger that stemmed from disappointment or sadness.

It was then that he told me he was sorry.  Sorry that I had been through what I'd been through.  He was sorry that I had given so much of myself to someone that had thrown it away like it was trash.  Sorry that someone so beautiful, kind, and had so much love to give would be treated that way.  Sorry that I felt so much pain in my heart.  And then he told me that any man that would let me get away doesn't ever deserve me, and that he hoped I would eventually see that.  

Then, he looked in to my eyes, wiped a tear away, and told me that he will never give up on me.  

Here is a guy that just listened to me spill my guts about how much I loved another man, how much I was willing to do for that man, how much my heart completely belonged to another man, and his response was that he was going to be there for me.

He told me that I'd spent so much of my time giving to someone else, that it was time I started to see what it was like to be on the receiving end.  Told me it was time someone spoiled me a little, showed me some care, and treated me the way I deserved to be treated.  He told me that he didn't expect my feelings to change overnight, but if I allowed myself to open up a bit, move on like I said I was going to do, and embrace the chance that there was someone out there willing to fill the hole that's been left in my heart, that maybe... just maybe... he might have a chance.

It was all so overwhelming and wonderful at the same time.  

And, so, I agreed. 

I agreed to take one day at a time.  I reiterated my feelings of not wanting a relationship right now, but I was willing to spend time with him, give him the chance that I had so desperately wanted with someone else.  Why not?  I have no idea if anything will come out of it, and I was sure to make that point known, but why not at least see what happens?

We have already agreed to make some plans next weekend.  He's going to take me out and spoil me a little.  Just the thought of that makes me smile.  I'm definitely not used to being spoiled, that's for sure.  

But, what I do know is that this morning was one of the few mornings I've woken up in the past month feeling happy.  I have absolutely no idea what the future holds.  I have no idea if this guy will ever be more than just a friend.  I have no idea what kind of feelings will develop.  I meant what I said about taking one day at a time.  I deserve to have some fun.  I deserve to have some happiness.  And that's what I'm going to do.

I Release You...and Myself

                                     

Well, it looks as though being alone for Valentine's Day was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me.  It really did help me clear my mind, sort through my priorities, and realize it's time to let some stuff go.  Well, let one specific person go.  I made some very important realizations and I'm sick and tired of being controlled and broken down by my emotions.  I don't give a rat's behind what my heart tells me, I do know that my brain has decided enough is enough.

I'm too good a person and have too much love to give to waste it on someone that doesn't want it.

So,  I have made the decision that I am releasing him.  We can be friends, sure, but I'm done trying to prove that I'm the one he can always count on.  I'm done being the one he knows he can always count on.  If friends is what he wants, friends is what he's going to have.  Just friends.  Nothing more, nothing less.

But, there's one very different aspect between us "just" being friends.  Before I was his friend because I wanted to prove to him how much I loved him and hoped that one day we'd be more than friends.  He had even told me on several occasions that we were "just friends" because he wasn't ready for a relationship and just needed time.. BUT that he saw a future with me.  I have loved him for fifteen years, so in my mind I would have gladly waited another fifteen years if I had to.  Just as long as I knew that there was a possibility that one day it was going to happen.  That's all changed, situations have changed, and he's just not interested anymore.  

I don't know if it's some kind of test to see how much I'd put up with, but I've gotten to the point where I'm done being tested.  I can put up with a lot, but sometimes I have to take a step back and ask myself if it's worth it.  Why should my love be put to the test when I've done nothing but give my love and show my love?

So, it's not worth putting in my time and effort to someone that doesn't appreciate the love I have for them.  It's time to focus on giving that love to myself, and then eventually to someone that will appreciate it.

Now, we're going to be friends.  Well, let me tell you how that works.  I have lots of friends.  They are people I talk to occasionally on Facebook or I'll text with.  Every now and then I might go out and do something with some of my friends, but very rarely.  Do I go out of my way to do everything and anything they need me to do?  No.  I don't have that kind of relationship with my "friends".

My kindness, generosity, and love is only given to a VERY select few.  The ones I love and the people I consider family.  "Friends" don't get anymore than that.  They don't call me asking for help, they don't count on me to get stuff done for them, and they definitely don't get me going out of my way to try and make them happy.  They are just people in my life who I've had some kind of contact with and remained in contact with.  

Even my very best friend doesn't get much more from me than the occasional text, and we'll have a girls' night out every once in a while to chat and gossip about our lives.  

That's just how I am with friends.  Because if I was always there for all of my friends, I'd have nothing left to give the ones I love. 

This past week, I've received some texts and messages from a couple of guys that want to take me out.  They want to spend time with me.  They want to get to know me better.  And I've shut each and every one of them down, because I really wasn't interested in anyone else but him.  I felt that even though we weren't "together", I had a loyalty to him.  And now that we are just friends, I've decided SCREW THAT!! I'm not going to sit around sad and depressed anymore.  

I'm not ready for a relationship, I know that.  But, I'm not willing to sit around all sad and lonely for the rest of my life waiting and hoping for something to happen that won't ever happen.  Why waste my life waiting?  I need to live in the here and now.  I need to get out there, enjoy the single life, allow some guys to spoil me for a change, and wait and see what happens. 

I hear that love is found in the most unusual of places.  Well, I guarantee I'm never going to find love sitting in my living room.  I'm never going to find love hiding away.  I'm not even going to have a good time, which is all I want right now.

So, last night I finally agreed to go out with someone that has asked me out a few times.  He's a good looking guy, has sent me the most sweetest messages, and has wanted nothing more than to help cheer me up.  I really don't want a relationship right now, and he knows that, but I'm also not going to sit around dwelling or brooding over how lonely I am.  If nothing else, I can make some new friends.  Can't ever have enough friends, right?  

It's time for me to make some very drastic changes to my life.  I'm no longer going to be that person that goes out of my way to chase someone that doesn't want to be chased.  I think it's time I allow myself to be chased for a little while.  I'm hanging up the "I'll do anything for you" card, and stop going out of my way giving, giving, giving.  I think it's time I allow some giving to come my way.  Even if it's nothing more than being given some attention.  Because that's all I really want.  

So, I release you.  

And, I also release myself.

I release myself from the heartache, I release myself from the pain, and I release myself from caring so much.

It's time I move on, focus on my happiness, and find someone that will appreciate what I have to offer.

Just Another Day I Get to Be Alone

If I had my way I'd be able to sleep completely through today.  Just let it pass by without it even being a blip on my radar.  I mean, it's not like I've celebrated Valentine's Day in over ten years, so why on earth did I expect this year to be any different?

Why?  Because for the first time in over ten years, I really thought it would be.

Call me dumb, call me stupid, call me an idiot... it's OK, because I am all of those things. But, I really thought someone would come through for me today and at least offer back a small hand of generosity like I had shown.  Not out of love, out of friendship...because that's what friends do.

I spent over $300 on this friend for Valentine's Day.  I didn't do it to get anything in return, I did it because I wanted to.  None of the things I do for the people I care about are because I expect anything in return.  I help those I love because I truly want to, care for them, and want to help in any way I can.  But, even I will admit that after doing so much, I would at least expect to get ONE thing that I ask for.  And all I asked for was to not be alone today.  That's it.  Nothing else, nothing more... just don't let me be alone on Valentine's Day.

So, guess who's going to be alone on Valentine's Day?  Yep... me.

It is what it is, though.  I was stupid for thinking anything different.  I mean, I'm totally used to doing so much for everyone else and having my own needs and wants put on the back burner.  That's my life in a nutshell.  I do everything I can hoping to please everyone else, but very rarely does someone do something for me out of the goodness of their heart.  

I was so angry and upset last night that I even considered not being that person anymore.  Turning myself in to the person that cares about nobody else but myself.  Maybe that's where I'm going wrong.  Maybe I'd be more happy if all I cared about was me, and let nobody else in or helped anyone else.  

But,  the truth is...that will never be me. 

I just have to realize once and for all that just because I'm willing to do just about anything for the happiness of someone I care about more than anyone else on this planet, besides my children, doesn't mean that anyone is going to ever care about me in that way.

And, yes, I'm sure there might be someone out there that would be willing to show me love and care.. but for some unknown reason, I don't want that.  I seem to be stuck on the fact that I am willing to torture myself, hurt myself, feel pain, agony, and loneliness because one day this person may wake up and realize that I'm still there.  I'm still doing what I do, I'm still putting up with it, and I haven't ever given up.  Because in my heart, I know, I will keep that promise.  I know that I will continue to be unhappy for the sake of his happiness.  I will continue to give, and give, and give and know that I may not ever get anything in return.

That's on me.  

I am stupid, I'm an idiot.  I mean, who does something like that?  Who puts up with all this crap knowing that they can turn and run at any time?  Who shuts everyone else out that has shown me kindness and the opportunity to be treated the way I treat others?  All for a person that obviously doesn't care about me.  

I guess I do.

If you ask me why, I'd tell you because I want to or because I think it's worth it.  But, truthfully, even I don't know why.  There's just something inside of me telling me that I have to, that I can't give up, that I have to keep pushing, proving, standing strong to the rejection and the pain.  Call it some kind of cosmic power or feelings that are taking over me, but both my head and my heart are on the same team when it comes to this subject.  Both keep telling me that I have to stay strong, and that I can't EVER give up.

So, today, I will be alone.  I will spend some time reflecting on my life and make some important decisions about how it's going to move forward.  I am hurting, I am in pain... but pain gives me strength, so I'm curious what the strength will push me to do.  

But, one thing I know is that whatever I decide, I won't ever give up.  It may mean accepting my loneliness and keeping myself alone for a while.  Maybe the loneliness is what I need to start making friends with.  But, I also know that sometimes it's better to distance myself from the source of the pain.  That's maybe what I need to do.  Distance myself for a while.  Stop making myself so vulnerable.  Care from a distance.  Be there from a distance.  Cut myself off for a while.

I will never give up, but I don't have to be on the front line of the attack.  

Maybe it's time to retreat for a while, reorganize my thoughts, and build myself up again.

And, today seems like a perfect day to do just that.

Test Me!!

I firmly believe that life is made up of a series of tests.  Every event that happens in life is a test.  A test to our will, our love, honesty, our loyalty, or commitment.  We can either fight to make it through the test, cheat, or just give up all together.

Sometimes we can fight to try and make it through, we can study, prepare, and try and control the situation, but the truth is, some tests don't always have to have a positive result.

When I look back on my life, there are TONS of bad things that have happened to me.  I have often asked myself what I did to deserve some of the trials and tests I've been put through and ended up failing.  But, last night, I realized that some tests may seem like they can't be passed, yet just because one bump in the road occurs, it doesn't mean the test is over.  I've realized that some tests can't be passed no matter what, yet it doesn't mean it's the end of the road.

If you fail a test, you just pick yourself up and figure out where you went wrong.  You go through and figure out the wrong answers, and try and figure out a way to correct them.  And then you take the make-up test.

Every failed test in my life has pushed me to work harder, try harder, and learn.  And after the blow of a failed test has passed me, I end up with some good lessons that come out of it.

But, one thing I can definitely pride myself on is that I have NEVER given up when the going gets tough.  If anything, when life gets a little tough, I get a little tougher.  I find strength inside of me that I didn't know I had.  I move away from being that sweet, caring, push-over and start to unleash my true emotions and feelings.  Don't mess with me when I'm down... because I always get back up, and there's a good chance I'm coming up swinging.

Sleep didn't come to me last night.  I cried a little, got mad about crying, and then just laid there letting the thoughts run through my head.  I didn't try and stop them, I didn't try and sort them out, I just made myself try and listen to what was going on.

What I realized is that I'm so tired of being thought of as weak.  I'm so tired of being told that I can't do something or I won't do something.

Many years ago, I was told I would never amount to anything.  I would spend my life trying to make ends meet, and that I had ruined my life by some of the choices that I had made.  And on that day, I made the commitment to myself that I would show them.  I'd prove them wrong.  Don't EVER tell me I won't do something.

Last night, my patience was tested.  I wanted to scream, hit, and shake some sense in to myself.  What the heck am I doing?  Why the heck am I doing it?  No matter what I say, I get thrown the line that I can't handle what's going on.  But, the more I hear that I can't handle it, the more I am fueled to prove you wrong.

My emotions are riding along on the most extreme of roller coasters.  There have been so many times that I've wanted to scream to be let off.  I have tried to convince myself that keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground is the safe route, what's best for me.  But, that's not going to happen.  No matter how bad I want to puke, pass out, or scream in terror from this ride, it is helping me become stronger, handle more, and learn a lot about myself.

Something else I realized, there's a very good chance I may be riding this ride for a VERY long time and end up crashing and burning at the end.  But, you know what?  I'm OK with that.  I've accepted the fact that I'd much rather stay on a roller coaster for the rest of my life, than spend the rest of my life "playing it safe".

I think I'm a good person, and I often don't think it's fair the way my emotions are being played with.  But, I also know that it's all part of the test.  Life isn't always fair, I know that probably better than anyone.  There are very few easy tests in life, and if I didn't get my head messed with a little, I'd probably end up bored.

I also think that I'm the middle of probably THE most important test of my life.  The one that I've been told over and over again that I'm going to fail.  The one that I've never wanted to pass more in my life.

The test of my love, my loyalty, my word, and my commitment.

I am ready to chance being broken, beaten, and torn down. I may make a few mistakes, I may not always give the best answers, but I'm ready to break out of this cutesy little shell I've been hiding in for so long.  I'm ready to show the real me.

And when I say there is NOTHING you can do to push me away.  I mean it.  You may win at pushing me away from your physical self, but one thing that you can never control is my heart.  You may win at breaking me to the core, but like I said... be prepared for me to come right back swinging.

My actions most definitely speak louder than words.  My actions will prove themselves.  My determination and strength will get me through.  I will not be broken.

Bring on your tests...go ahead....

No matter what you think or believe:  I'm ready.

Rising Up From the Ashes

                                       

When I think of words to describe myself, I always use the words "honest" and "loyal".  They are two words that describe an inner core inside of me.  Trust is something I hold on to with a light thread, but I take pride in the fact that if someone can trust me they can do so knowing I am a person of my word and that I will stick by them until the end.

But, I did something that has caused me to die a little inside.  And that's break the trust of someone I care very much for.  Not so much as in broke the trust, but damaged the honesty and loyalty that I offered with every piece of me.  The sad part is, the thing I did was utterly and completely out of my control.  I had no control over the situation as it played out, yet in a way that makes it 100 times worse.

When I first found out, I cried.  Usual response, I suppose.  Then, I got angry.  I was taken advantage of, I let control slip away from me, and I did something extremely stupid.  I did it without my knowledge, but it was still really stupid and something I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for.  But, I knew the minute I found out, I had destroyed a piece of me forever and something was going to be broken inside of me that would never be fixed again.

What  I didn't expect, though, was the kindness and acceptance I received from the person who I let down.  And what I've realized is that was probably the worst punishment I could receive.  Being told that I was forgiven, it was a mistake, and it's better not to dwell in the past.  

When I first heard those words, I thought I would feel relief, but I didn't.  I felt guilt, more anger, and like someone had taken a dagger to my heart.  Because a piece of me thought that even though I was offered the forgiveness I wanted so bad, I was given that forgiveness with the understanding that it had changed everything.

Here I was, the rock, the one person that this person could count on, the one that would never hurt, never betray, never damage....and even though I did so without my knowledge, I still did those things.  

And the worst part is, I realize that this stupid act is the reason I found so much strength two days ago and is now the reason I must hold on to that strength.  I have most definitely died a little inside, but I must now rise as a stronger, wiser version of myself.

I made a mistake.  A terrible, horrible mistake that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.  It's not just something I can forget about and move on from, because it's eating away at me from the inside out.  I, myself, feel hurt, betrayed, and damaged by what happened, but I have to keep those feelings locked up because what's more important is the hurt, betrayal, and damage it may have caused someone else.

But, what that mistake did is give me something to learn from.  I had been weak, I let my guard down, and I had been doing things I wouldn't normally do because I thought it was what was wanted from me.  I was willing to change everything I am to prove my loyalty, and what ended up happening?  I broke that loyalty and damaged myself.  

Very important lesson learned.

What I have now realized is that I am who I am.  I am NOT going to change for anyone, no matter how important they are to me.  

And, it's also released the beast inside of me.  I will not give up.  I will make up for my mistake and show the person I hurt who I really am.  They'll either love me or leave me.  That's for them to decide.  But, I will no longer try and prove my worth by being someone that I am not.

I am honest, I am loyal, I am strong, I am powerful.  

I will always be there when needed, I will always be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a hug for strength.  I will be there when everyone else turns their back, through the good times and bad.  My worth will not be tested through my weaknesses, but through my ability to stay strong.  My worth will not be tested through my words, but by my actions.   Because, my dear friend, I may have broken a promise to you this past weekend, but one promise will always stand true:  The promise of ALWAYS.

I will always be there.  I'm not going anywhere.  In fact, now the bar has been raised.  I will make up for my mistake, I will prove to you that it was a moment of weakness that will never happen again, and I will show you that I am still the one person that you can ALWAYS count on... no matter what.

Except, now, you will have to understand that darkness inside of me has been set free.  I am going to be who I am.  Take it or leave it.

You will understand that I will not always listen to you.  I will make decisions about what I think is best for us.  I will not bow down to you, but stand in your corner holding you strong.  I will confront you when I need to confront you, and I will not enable you any longer.  

You have often asked me if I am ready to handle all of you.  But to you , my friend, I ask if you're ready to handle me?  Are you ready to understand that I'm not the person that I've portrayed the past couple of weeks?  Are you ready to understand that I'm going to challenge you, do things you ask me not to do, and stand toe-to-toe with you if need be?  

If you are, then you're also ready to know that I am with you until the end.  Nothing you can say or do will ever push me away.  You're stuck with me.... not matter what.... ALWAYS.

The Power Within

                                       

Get ready, folks... you're not going to believe this.  Today's post is going to be a HAPPY post.  Can  you believe it?  Can ya?  Can ya?

If you haven't figured it out, I'm a little excited.  For the first time in several weeks, I don't feel an ounce of stress, worry, upset, or pain.  I slept like a baby, I woke up feeling refreshed and ready for my day, and it's all because I stuck to my word about letting all the crap GO!

Yesterday was a fantastic day.  I had a great time at work, and didn't once feel the need to lock myself away because I was on the verge of tears or couldn't stand the thought of being around anyone.  The smile that was on my face wasn't planted there just to appease everyone and trick them in to thinking I was OK, it was a genuine smile.  And for the first time in a few weeks, the strength that I usually have was back in full force.  I felt UNBREAKABLE.

Nothing great happened to me, nothing changed in the way of my situation, yet after I wrote my blog post yesterday I made sure I read the words I'd written and engrained them in to my heart.  It was time to let go and focus on me.  I need to be happy before I have the ability to make anyone else happy.  I need to stop worrying so much about everyone else and give me some attention.  And it's absolutely amazing at the effect my words on my head and my heart.

What I also found is that when I told myself it was time to pick myself up and stop worrying so much about everyone else, I started to see some care and attention thrown my way.  When I opened up the barriers a little, and not keep them locked for one specific person, I received an outpouring of care and kindness.  There are people out there that care about me, and I've been locking them out because I've been so busy caring about someone else.

As soon as work got out yesterday, my phone seemed to go into overdrive.  The original plan was that I'd stay after work and get my homework finished for the week, but that didn't happen.  What happened was that I received a few text messages from some old friends, and rather than ignore them or tell them I didn't want to talk, I decided what the heck... it was time to open myself up a little.

I had a WONDERFUL conversation with a friend I haven't seen or spoken to since high school. We talked and laughed about everything and anything.  I didn't once worry that what I would say would be taken wrong, or feel like I had to censor what I had to say.  I didn't have to wait forever for a response, and I laughed about silly things that we were talking about.  In fact, it felt really weird when I was gone from my phone for a couple of minutes and I received messages asking me if I was still there.  Not something I ever usually get.  

I also received some messages with some of the nicest compliments I've received in a long time.  I posted some photos to my Facebook page, and I was blown away with some of the nice things people told me.  I don't know if they were genuine compliments, or people were just trying to be nice, but I didn't care.  The sweet words gave me a huge ego boost, and it was really just what I needed to remind myself that I'm making some positive changes in my life, and my hard work is being noticed.

Over the past couple of months, I've lost 30lbs.  Most of it from stress, but I'll take it.  I'm starting to notice the changes, and other people are too.  I've dropped two dress sizes, and the clothes that I have either fit a lot better or don't fit me anymore because they're too big.  I can put a dress on and not feel like a blimp.  I can actually take a photo of myself and not cringe at how fat my face looks or try and angle the camera just right to try and make myself look better.  And, even though I have a ways to go, I feel good about the changes I'm making for myself.

And, as bad as this sounds, it's even more encouraging when other people start taking notice of the changes and tell me how great they think I look.  

Yesterday, I think my head was inflated a couple of sizes.  In a matter of a few hours, I had received a few messages telling me how beautiful I am.  Hearing people use words such as "beautiful", "gorgeous", and "hot" to describe me usually make me cringe.  I back hand compliments like that away, and shrug them off as people just trying to be nice.  But, yesterday, I'll admit it... I kinda liked it.  It felt really nice to hear such nice things said about me.  I still ended up back handing some compliments away, but I had a big smile on my face during the process.

I guess the truth of the matter is, I'm so used to trying to build everyone else up that I don't usually ever worry or accept other people trying to build me up.  I am usually giving so much of myself to someone else, that I don't think about other people trying to give to me.  

With everything that's going on in my life right now, I've realized that it's OK to take some attention.  It's OK to take a break from worrying so much about everyone else and be OK with worrying a little about myself.  It's OK to smile, laugh, and remind myself that everything is going to be A-OK.  

The weakness, pain, and hurt I felt last week was needed.  I'm a firm believer in learning from my mistakes, and I made several during those few days.  I let my guard down, I became someone I'm not, and I let my vulnerability be used against me.  That can't happen.  I'm too strong for that.  I am anything but weak, yet I may have moments of weakness.  And that's OK.  I very rarely show my weakness, and when I do it means I'm opening myself up... which is something that is equally as rare.  But, when that weakness is thrown back in my face, I use it to empower me even more.  You want strength?  I'll show you strength.  

Many people underestimate me or think of me as this sweet, kind, innocent, girl.  But, there's a darkness inside of me that motivates me and pushes me to be strong and independent.  I need nobody.  Under the sweet innocent smile I plant on my face is a power that waits in the shadows for the right moment to be unleashed.  And when my strength comes to the surface... watch out.  

I bow down to no one.  I take orders from no one.  I do what I want, when I want, and need no permission to do so.  

I was told yesterday that any man I ever end up with will be one very lucky guy.  I'm not sure that's so true, apparently the guys I've been with weren't so lucky.  But, I also told myself that it's true.  I have so much love in my heart to give.  I will do anything to make someone happy.  I will give all of myself to the right person.  And if there's a guy out there that's lucky enough to break through my layers and get to know the real me, then there's a whole life of happiness awaiting him.  But, I'm done thinking about what I have to give to someone else.  My strength is being rebuilt, my layers are being replaced, and I'm working on replenishing and storing myself up.

Right now, though, is not the time to think about love.  It's not the time to think about what I am prepared to give to someone else.  Right now, it's time to enjoy life, be happy, not worry so much, and let go of all the stress I can't control.

My strength is back....I am whole.... and there's no stopping me now!