Destiny? Fate? Karma? Who Decides What?

Sorry, folks.  It's going to be another off the wall post about my life...the job hunting saga continues.  That's your forewarning.

I think that I have lived a good life.  I've worked hard.  I've supported my family.  I've helped people when asked, and sometimes without being asked.  I'm kind.  I'm caring.  I am not rich, but I have been blessed - and so I feel it only right to give to those in need.  I respect all religions.  I do not judge others based on their skin color, beliefs, or sexual preference.

Nobody is perfect, however.

I've had my share of doing things I'm not exactly proud of.  I've let words slip from my mouth about people - that was not in the best taste.  I have felt jealousy and anger.  I have judged people based on their personalities or appearances. 

I am not proud to admit those things, but I am also not going to sit here and pretend that I'm the only one.  I know/ have known people that do much, much worse things.  When going tit for tat - I believe, in my heart, that the good definitely out weighs the bad.  I feel guilt and remorse for the things I am not proud of, and try my best to make up for any wrong doing.

I can't sit here and say that I've had the perfect life - far from it - yet, I'm not going to sit here and say that my life has been terrible, either.  I have a great family, people that love and care for me, and amazing children.  There have been lots of issues in my life, yet I chose to deal with those issues head on - and use them to make me a stronger, better person.  I don't like to dwell...not saying that I don't do it..just that I don't like to.

So, it all brings me back to now.  Who I am this very second?

Anyone that knows me, and have known me for a very long time will tell you that there is only one thing that my heart craves more than anything.... to teach.  They will share with you the stories of playing a teacher in childhood, talking about being a teacher in adulthood.  Any person who has known me at any amount of time, and has ever taken a second to ask me what I want to do with my life will give you the same answer:  She wants to be a teacher, always has.  Wouldn't matter if they've known me my whole life or three weeks....they know that answer because I've always responded to the question the same way.

Jumping the tracks a little here, I often wonder about things such as destiny, fate, and Karma.  Is there a plan for all of us?  Are we led to the paths that we choose?  Are our decisions that we make in life our own decisions or the decisions of some higher power...formulated, planned, decided?

There have been times in my life that have made me wonder about these things.  Situations such as...

• Not having enough money to pay a bill, and then getting the offer to do some over-time. 
• Trying for years to find "the perfect man" to then give up, and BAM he shows up after I stop looking. 
• Worrying how I'm going to handle working a year long internship that starts before Hubby gets off work, to have a daycare reach out to me and offer their services for next to nothing. 

There have been the back-lashes too.  Getting some extra, unexpected money and wasting it...only to have my car break down right after quickly comes to mind.

When I take a good, hard look at my life... I've always come out on top. 

• I got out of an abusive relationship when I lived in the middle of nowhere and knew no one.  Somehow, I found help - and help came. 
• I spent four years of my life working my behind off to keep food on the table and a roof over the heads of my children, even though I spent many nights wondering how on Earth I was going to make it to the next paycheck... I always did. 
• I spent the same four years of my life believing that I was destined to be alone - there wasn't a man out there for me....and you all know how that story ends.
• No matter what breaks down or stops running....somehow, we find a way to fix it.
• When we were on the verge of being homeless - but said nothing to anyone - Hubby's parents offered us their house...they didn't know about our struggles.
• When I thought there was no way I'd ever have the means to go to college and pursue my dream career, I found a job with a boss that pushed me every day and helped me find a way to go to school.
• When I thought the demands of school were too much for my family, they stood by me, sacrificed, and supported me.  I made it through.

Has it all been the workings of destiny, fate, or Karma? 

It's funny, but something happened even as I wrote this post.

When I first started writing this post, I started whining and complaining about some of the words of encouragement I've received.  Statements such as "You'll end up where you're supposed to be".  I actually started complaining about not knowing what is to come of me...then I started writing about how I've made it out of the worst situations and felt compelled to delete all of the negativity.

I know that I'm rambling on and on... but my blog has also gotten me through some tough times.

When I didn't think it was possible for me to ever lose weight - I start a blog, and end up getting rid of 80lbs.

People reading my blog gave me the means to try new products, attend boot camp, and help support me through my journey.

My blog is my connection to my frustrations, my struggles...my accomplishments, and my victories.

Does it all make sense?  To me it does, but to you?  Well, hopefully.

Maybe there is such a thing as destiny, fate, and Karma...and this is all apart of their plan.  I am supposed to find the light in the darkness.  I am supposed to accept defeat before I can claim victory.  I am supposed to struggle and feel lost before I find what I'm looking for.

If that's what it is... I'm getting the message, Destiny, Fate, and Karma.... I'm starting to understand where this is going....now, can you help a girl out?

Do you believe in destiny, fate or Karma?  Have you had situations in your life that turned around unexpectedly?  I'd love to hear about them.

Till next time.  ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

It's Gotta Be The Time of Year, Right?

OK, so the week didn't produce the outcomes that I had thought.  I was so sure that this week was going to be the week that the stress and exhaustion associated with job hunting would finally come to an end.

It didn't.

But, I did have some high points.  I found out that my references were being checked for a job....have no idea the outcome to all of that - but maybe I will hear something next week.  I got another interview lined up for next week.  It's for a position I really want - and even though it's not working in a classroom, it is a job helping kids - which I've decided may be what I'm supposed to be doing.

As much as I long to have my own classroom, I've decided that I didn't become a teacher just to teach.  It was ultimately about getting to work with children.  What can I say, in my mind there's nothing more exciting and fulfilling than helping kids....whether it be teaching them, or helping them through a crisis or getting them out of an abusive home.

That's not what I wanted to write about today, however.  It's no secret that job hunting is consuming my every waking minute.  It's the excuse I'm using as to why I'm on hiatus from losing weight.  It's the excuse I'm using for not eating right or exercising.  It's an excuse... an excuse I could deal with... but I'm not.  Apparently, though, I'm not the only one.

Over the past several days, I've been reading lots of blogs....and this morning, it occurred to me that there's an epidemic going on.

I'm not the only one struggling.  I'm not the only one who's had a rough time with exercising and eating right.  I'm definitely not the only one that's been gaining weight. 

Out of eight blogs that I read this morning, five of the authors admitted to having a really tough time lately, sticking with the program.  They're overeating.  They're not working out.  They're gaining weight.  The reasons were all different...vacations, family visits, lack of motivation, boredom, etc.  That's just the blogs I read this morning.  I'd take a guess that over the past week, I've read about 20 different blogs - and over half of them are all sharing the same stories.  Although almost all of them declared one common factor that has played a huge part in it:  The weather.

I have to admit....the weather has really done me in.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if it wasn't 100 degrees outside at 7pm, I'd have been running off my stress every day.  I've longed to get out and run....almost every day I think about going out for a run to release some tension and clear my mind.  Then I step outside, and just can't stand the thickness in the air.  It's so dang hot that I can barely breath - and the sweat is forming without even moving.  It's terrible...I can't stand it...and I opt for a bowl of ice-cream instead.

I've always thought that the worst time of year for gaining weight was the winter.  I mean, who really wants to run when it's 20 degrees outside?  Then I got to thinking.... I did.  I ran in the winter.  I piled on the layers, and would go out running.  It was exhilarating to get drenched in sweat even though icicles were forming in my nose.  OK, so I didn't go out when there were 18" of snow on the ground... but when it was just cold?  I. Loved. It.

I know that I ran WAY more in the winter than I have this summer.  I will also point out that I was struggling at that time, also, so obviously the weather has played a part in it.

Anyone that really knows me knows how much I despise the summer.  I can't stand hot weather...anything over 90 degrees and I'm locking myself up in the house, blasting the AC, and planting my butt firmly in front of it.  The winter?  Now that's a different story.  It's so much easier to warm up than it is to cool down...especially when it comes to running.

So, with all this rambling, I've come to the conclusion that my job hunting is not my only excuse for being totally unmotivated to do any form of working out.  It appears I'm not the only one struggling - and that this time of year is poison to anyone who enjoys working-out outside. 

Sure, we could throw in a DVD or work-out at a gym or even dust off some equipment that's laying around the house.  I don't know about anyone else - but that doesn't help me.  The heat has been so extreme in my area that we fight every day to keep our house below 85 degrees.  That's still too hot.  I can't stand it!!

Continuing with my trend of being positive...I'm now convinced that in a few weeks, when the weather starts to cool down (hopefully...it better or I'm going to be extremely pissed off) I will start to get back out and walk, jog, or maybe even run.  Of course, by then I better have a job...or I will have to run everywhere because I won't be able to make my car payment.. YIKES!!

Are you struggling because of the heat?  Do you think that once it starts to cool down, you'll find that you're more motivated to get back on the horse and work harder?  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

BYOC - Nice Way to Finish Out the Week

This week has, no doubt, been full of some pretty crazy stuff here on the blog....so finishing up the week with some BYOC (Bring Your Own Crazy) suits me nicely.

My buddy, Drazil, created the questions....I copy and answer them here... you get to know more about me, and some more of my crazy thoughts.  You wanna join in too?  Great!! Just copy the questions on your own blog, and link up in the comments.

Ready...set....GO!

1. Sun or rain? Roses or tulips? Romantic movie or comedy?

After the continuous, non stop, grueling heat we've been having.... I'd LOVE some rain.  I'd love it so much, I'd go out dancing in it.  At least a couple of days worth...and then I'd want the sun again.  HOWEVER, only if it agreed to come back and not burn us all to a crisp.  That would have to be the deal or the rain could stay.

In a garden, I'd say tulips.  In a bouquet - it would have to be roses.  There's nothing more romantic than a bouquet of roses... but not really red ones, I'm up for yellow or pink instead.

I'm with Draz on this last one - romantic comedy any day.

2.  Draz has been sick lately and hasn't eaten in two days - except for ice cream...which leads her to ask - what's your favorite ice cream flavor?

Ice-cream has definitely been one of my weaknesses the past few weeks.  I'm not normally an ice-cream lover, but with the hotter than Satan's balls heat we've been having....I've been eating a bowl almost every night.  My favorite flavor is French Silk - but yesterday, I opted for Rocky Road.  I like any ice-cream that mixes chocolate with pieces of chocolate and/or nuts... YUM!!

3. Are you a door locker - in your house and car?

I am.  Whenever I go anywhere, I lock the car and the house....except when I'm at home.  Both my car and house stay unlocked when I'm home....cause I live in the middle of nowhere and figure that I'd hear someone if they tried to steal my car.  The dog lets me know whenever any living thing is within ten feet of the front door...so it's like having a live-in security system.

When I go somewhere - I lock the car.  Even though, I know that I could leave my car unlocked - because no one would bother it - it's just a habit.  Like Draz, the only crime that really ever happens around here are minor traffic violations.  I've seen people leave purses, phones, and other valuables in their car and just walk off....but they know, as well as I do, that no one is going to bother it.  I just can't do it....with my luck, I'd be the ONE person having to call the cops because something was stolen from my car.

4. In the spirit of my (Draz) being sick and wanting to die - tell me your "go to remedies" for when you are sick?

I'm actually pretty lucky - I don't get sick hardly ever.  I chalk it up to the fact that I NEVER take prescription medicines or over the counter drugs.  I just don't.  About the only time there is an exception to this rule (and there haven't been many) would be if I'm hospitalized.

I'm a firm believer in letting my immune system fight off whatever is invading.  I've actually been praised by doctors for it - because they agree with me (Insert giant ego head).  The harder you make your immune system work - the stronger it gets. 

I have noticed that when I'm extremely tired or stressed, that I'm open for more chance of getting sick. If I do end up with the sniffles or a seasonal cold, I go straight to my hot tea with lemon and honey.  It soothes my throat, helps clear out my sinuses, and makes me feel better.  I also soak in a hot tub or take a hot shower.  Then I sleep...and sleep...and sleep... until I no longer need to sleep cause I'm all better.

For headaches, I drink coffee and/or sleep.  Coffee is a great medicine for headaches...take a look at those headache pills...Number one ingredient?  Yep, caffeine.  If I have a migraine (which is rare, but does happen) then I lock myself in my bedroom, black out the windows, and drink coffee....and then, you guessed it, sleep.  I say all this wondering when the heck I'd get to sleep that much...I wouldn't...I guess it really is a good thing I don't get sick hardly ever...maybe I should try more sleep when I'm not sick...that's an idea.

A few years ago, I used to suffer from the WORST seasonal allergies.  I mean, seriously... I would end up with an asthma attack just stepping foot outside, and on more than one occasion ended up in the ER.  I decided to break away from allergy medicines, because they made me feel groggy...and I hate that feeling.  Instead, I started drinking local honey tea - or just eating a teaspoon full of honey.  That helped A LOT.  That's because the honey is made with local pollen, so it helps build my immunity to it.  Also, I noticed that running helped get rid of the symptoms, too.  Who knew?  Being outside when I shouldn't be helped build my tolerance for allergies...and now my seasonal allergies are a few sneezes here and there.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

This week, I've kind of meshed both worlds.  I've blogged a lot about my feelings, emotions, and positive outlook...and that's how life has been in real life.

Still no job offer... but still not totally panicking. 

In blog land, I'm pretty sure that I've come across as a crazy, psychic wanna be...the good news is, I only lost one follower.  I'm not sure if that's because only a few people have been reading or not, but I'm glad that everyone hasn't written me off as a loon and ran for the hills.  I'm not really as crazy as I sound...well, maybe I am... but it's nothing to be afraid of...I'm pretty harmless.

I've also avoided writing much about my weight loss...and that's for obvious reasons - there isn't anything to write about.  My life is consumed with trying to find a job.  That's it.  Period.  As soon as I've gotten a job...I will be able to get back to focusing on losing the weight - but right now, that is taking a back seat.

In real life, I've been taking a little more time to do some fun stuff.  I've been playing Risk with Hubby and I've read 4 books in 3 days.  When I say three days, I mean two hours each evening.  Yep, I've knocked out four chapter books (OK, I admit, they're children/teen books)  in about six hours...that's not too shabby.

I've also been reading a lot of blogs.  I'm not commenting on all of them - cause, honestly, I just don't have anything to say... but it's been nice to read more. 

I'm also spending a good chunk of the morning checking job postings, writing emails, and praying to anything holy that will listen that someone will respond.  Still waiting on that... but you never know.  Something might happen.

Alright, my time is up....now it's your turn.  Go answer the questions on your page, and let me know when you did.  I love reading them.

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Emotional Blindside

Don't worry... I'm still happy, I'm still in a good mood.

Still no job news, yet, but I still have two days left of this week....and if I don't hear anything this week, then there's always next week.

Do you remember me telling you about my horoscope yesterday?  No?  Well...this was yesterday's horoscope...

"Something amazing is about to happen. Fortunately, there's all kinds of sweet energy circulating around upstairs. So if you feel as if the universe is about to step in and change your plans, don't worry. You'll definitely enjoy it."

I remember feeling a rush of excitement when I read it.  Even though I've never held any faith in horoscopes - I think they are fun to read.  This one, however, really got my hopes up.  Something amazing?  Could that be a job offer?  I had sweet energy circulating...I've been in a great mood all week.  The universe is going to step in and change my plans?  OK - could that mean getting a job offer I wasn't expecting?  I'll enjoy it!!  Well, then of course it's a job offer I wasn't expecting.

The bad news?  None of my predictions were correct.  No job offer.  No job offer I wasn't expecting.

The good news?  It all came true...just not how I expected.

Last night, I cooked dinner, the family settled down and we watched a movie.  Nothing out of the ordinary there.  Our evenings are the same every night.... we gather in the living room and catch up on TV shows or watch movies.  Same thing, every night.  It can be boring, at times, but it's our time of day to just relax as a family.

After the movie, something amazing happened.... Hubby asked me if I wanted to play a board game.  What the what??  He never plays board games.  OK, technically it wasn't a board game - it was on his iPad...but it was a board game without the board.  We played Risk.  I'd never played before - but I really enjoyed it.  The universe stepped in and changed my plans - and I enjoyed it. 

For the past several weeks, my evenings have consisted of nothing except sitting in front of the TV.  Now, out of nowhere, Hubby wants to play a game.  That's something I have secretly desired, but never thought would actually happen....he's not usually in to that kind of stuff.

While sitting there playing, laughing, making fun of Peanut - and kicking her booty....it occured to me how much I've missed out on enjoying little things like this.  I was on cloud nine.  Family/Hubby time should be so much more than just watching our favorite shows together....there should be interaction, connection.  This was happening!

So, I had a great evening.  Then....it was time for bed.

I'm not sure what happened when I went to bed.  Hubby stayed up to play video games - and I laid there listening to his "clan" laugh and joke around from the bed. 

All of a sudden, I felt like someone dropped a pallet of bricks on me...metaphorically speaking.  My mind felt heavy.... I wanted to cry....what was going on?  How could I have gone to bed in such a great mood, only to be laying in bed on the verge of tears?

For some reason, my mind was consumed with the possibility that I wasn't going to get a job.  I've had this feeling a lot - but last night's fear was so much more real, unbearable.  Fears such as having to wait another year and then competing against a new class of freshly licensed teachers rushed through me.  Could I bear to go through this all over again next year? 

Every part of me knows that I was born to be a teacher.  There's not a single occupation that has brushed into me that has caused the excitement, satisfaction, or sureness that teaching has.  It flows through my blood.  I know that it's what I'm supposed to do.

Then, of course, feelings like I was having started making me question everything.  I've been told by so many people that I will "end up where I'm supposed to be".  What if there isn't anywhere for me to end up?  Could that mean looking for a job forever? 

As I laid there thinking about how all roads were quickly approaching dead ends....the pallet of bricks started getting lifted.  All I heard was "tomorrow is another day".  What'?  Inner head voice, will you repeat that?  "Tomorrow is another day"..... And just like that, I felt better.

I seriously don't know what's going on with me.  Positive outlooks, horoscopes, crashing mood swings, inner voices,...am I losing my mind?  Maybe... but there's got to be something to all of this, right?

I mean, who goes from being on cloud nine, down to the pits of Hell, back up to "normal" zone in a matter of a few minutes?

I think that maybe the stress has finally caught up with me - and causing me to go off my rocker.  I mean, come on, hearing positive voices in my head now?  Well, I say - whatever works to keep those pesky downer monsters away, I guess.

Today is another day.  No cryptic horoscopes leading the way today....just me and my positivity.  Something will happen, or it won't.  Whatever happens, I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm with my family.  That's always good.

Till next time.  ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Burst Into Summer Check In - Week 7

I'm not really sure why I'm still checking in for this challenge.... being that I basically gave up on it about 4 weeks ago - but I guess if I signed up, I should follow through right?

I'm actually pretty happy this week.  I managed to lose 0.2lbs.  It's not much - at all - but it's better than a gain.  For someone that's been living in self-pity and countless binges, any loss is to be taken as a huge victory.

Last week I weighed 223.2lbs, this week I weigh 223lbs.  It's still 8.2lbs over what I weighed at the start of the challenge... but it's a small move in the right direction, finally.

Not only that, but Aunt Flo is knocking at the door...so I'm sure there's some bloating going on.  A girl can hope, right?  Geez, I never thought I'd utter the words "hope Aunt Flo is knocking"... that's desperation right there.

I'm telling ya right now, this week is causing some changes in me...in a major way. 

You know how I mentioned on Monday that I was all full of positivity for the beginning of a new week, and then yesterday I confessed how I had a gut feeling that things were going to look up in regards to the job hunt this week?  Well, I still feel that way... if not, more so.

There's nothing definite going on yet, but I do know that my references are being checked for a position that I'd really like to have.  That's a good sign, right?

This morning, the feeling is really strong.  I'm not sure why, but I have this giddy, exciting, rumbling, nervous feeling in my stomach.  Something I compare to a case of the major butterflies right before stepping in to the interview of a lifetime.  I don't have an interview set up - that's just what I'm feeling.

I don't now, or have I ever claimed that I possess any form of psychic ability.  I have no idea what's causing this sudden burst of positivity that's churning in my stomach.

This time last week, I was just about certain that there was no hope in finding a job.  I was just about certain that I might have to look into subbing or getting a job that's totally not related to my degree. I was angry, bitter, desperate, and sad.

This week is definitely different.

Yesterday, I shared my horoscope with you.  Again, I don't believe in that stuff...but I found it interesting that I stumbled across my horoscope and what it had to say.  The same thing happened this morning.  When I read today's horoscope, the overwhelming sense of excitement that rushed through me was on the verge of nausea:

"Something amazing is about to happen. Fortunately, there's all kinds of sweet energy circulating around upstairs. So if you feel as if the universe is about to step in and change your plans, don't worry. You'll definitely enjoy it."         

Now, before any of you start worrying that I'm getting ahead of myself or putting faith in something so silly as horoscopes - relax.  I'm not that crazy.  I just don't see anything wrong with having some positivity.  Today's horoscope just happens to speak to the exact way I've been feeling...and I felt that way before I ever read it.  I felt/feel like something amazing is going to happen.  I feel this sweet, positive energy circulating around me.  The part about the universe stepping in and changing my plans?  Don't know what that's all about - but only time can tell if there's any truth in that.

Even though there has been no offer of employment, I feel like things are moving closer.

I'm starting to feel like my old self.  I'm happy.  I'm excited.  I'm positively thinking.  Maybe after being told 8 bazillion times to "stay positive", the advice is starting to sink in.  I feel, with all of my heart, that the universe has a plan for me.  What that plan is, I don't know... but it's being formulated.  I just have to keep staying positive, keep my head up, keep trucking along.

Good things come to those that wait, right?

So, I want to hear from you all today....have you ever felt this type of crazy giddy feeling right before something great happened?  Do you read your horoscopes?  Do you believe in the power of positivity?

Come on, talk to me.... this crazy, fat girl wants to know.
Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

True Confessions Tuesday

I'm switching things up a little this week.  It's Tuesday - which means I get to confess all of my deep dark secrets.  I've participated in True Confessions Tuesday for a while, now...and 90% of the time they are focused on my weight loss efforts (or lack thereof).  Well, being that I've been an open book about how bad that has been going, I want to share some other confessions with you all today.  Enjoy!

I confess that despite the miserable, pouty, pathetic persona I've displayed on my blog for...well...too long... I'm actually a very fun, upbeat person.

I confess that I worry way too much about what other people think of me.  I'm so caught up on being honest about my weight loss failures that I've started to resent myself...in terms of blogging.

I confess I'm not a weight loss expert. Gasp!  Who knew, right?  I am a normal, overweight person who is trying to lose weight.  Despite what you read on this page every day, it doesn't consume my life... I have quite an amazing life outside of trying to lose weight.

I confess that I'm sick and tired of feeling guilty.  I'm sick and tired of posting the same crap every day.  The mature way to handle that would be to actually do something about it.... yeah, well I'm going with a "you can't make me" attitude.  The more I fight, the further I fall.  I'm going to try and focus on something else for a while.

Crap balls, I'm doing it again.  Whine, whine, freakin' whine about my weight loss.  OK, enough whining.  There are so many other things I can complain talk about.

I confess that I am so sick of the hot weather.  I mean, really.  I've never been a fan of hot weather - I would happily live in a place that had a winter with temps in the 30s and a summer in the mid 70s...and the mid 70s was considered a heat wave. 

I confess that if the meteorologist brags one more time about the record amount of days with the temps over 100 degrees...I'm going to...urm....what would I do?  Maybe send him a picture of hot, stinky poo...cause that's what I think about when I hear him brag about the weather.

I confess that I've become addicted to True Blood.  Yes.  I've been sucked in by the hotness of Eric Northman (drool) and have secret fantasies of him sucking my blood.  I'd totally become a vampire for him. 

I confess that Eric Northman is now at the top of my "freebie" list.  You know, that list that couples make that allows them the ability to cheat if a celebrity from their list offered themselves up.  Hubby's lucky - there's not many people on my list....and being that I put Eric Northman NOT Alexander Skasgard (the guy that plays Eric), I don't think Hubby has much to worry about.

I confess that I totally acted like a giggly teenager yesterday, after finding out that Hubby has two weeks of temporary lay-off.  Don't worry, he gets paid for it.  That means, I get two weeks of him all to myself....actually sharing a bed with him. 

I confess that for some reason, I have this gut feeling that this week is going to bring great things - in terms of the job hunt.  I'm not sure why.  It's a weird bubbly feeling that doors are going to start opening... or it's gas... but the feeling doesn't go away after I burp or fart.

I confess that for the first time this morning I didn't feel resentment or jealousy when someone told me that they had found a job.  I was/am genuinely happy for her.  Even though I've been happy for everyone that has found a job, there were still feelings of resentment and jealousy.  That didn't happen this morning.

I confess that even though I'm not really a believer in horoscopes...I got quite excited when I stumbled across my horoscope for today...

"This is an excellent day for you, Aquarius. Celebrate. Your ego is strong. Beautiful things are flowing your way. You should enjoy a good mood that will attract favorable people and situations to you. There's virtually no limit to the expansiveness of this day. One thing to watch out for is arrogance. Be proud but not obnoxious."

I confess that even though I don't believe in horoscopes - I sure hope this comes true and it means that a job offer comes my way today.

I confess that I've enjoyed confessing today....much more than I have the past couple of weeks.  Good things are going to happen for me, I just know it!!

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Do-Over Day, Anyone?

Ahh....Monday.  My favorite day of the week, behind Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Thursday, and Wednesday.

There's nothing better than waking up knowing that there's still five more days until the weekend, am I right?  No?  You disagree?  Well, maybe you won't after you hear what I have to say.

Facebook is like a protest page on Mondays....status upon status of people cursing this very day, complaining about getting out of bed and heading back to work or oversleeping due to a crazy weekend.

I used to be one of those people.

I used to look at my alarm clock on Sunday nights, and lay there cursing every minute that flicked by not being able to sleep because I slept in to late that morning and now I'm wide awake and I have to get up in 5 hours, make that four hours and fifty-nine minutes. 

Sunday nights for the past few months have been different.

Sunday nights, instead,  I get to start my worry, frustration, and anger all over again. I have five days to search for a job.  I have five days to think about how I'm going to battle Lardinia Assqueen.  I have five days to wait and hear back from principals and directors. 

Last night, when I went to bed, I thought about the days and weeks that have passed by.  The nights I've laid in bed worrying about what the next day will bring.  Will it be another day of no phone calls or emails?  Will it be another day of over-eating  because I can't control my stupid emotions?  Will I attempt to put on a happy face for everyone, or pull off my head spinning demon routine? 

For some reason, however, last night was different.

My stomach wasn't in knots.  I didn't want to cry and scream.  All I kept telling myself was This Is The WEEK!!

Bursts of optimism have become very few and far between.  I've been living in this constant sulk where I think the whole world is against me...and there's no hope.  Waahhh Waahhh Wahhh... 

I've been worse than a 3 year old having a toy taken away. 

Don't worry.  I'm not here to go on another "I declare to change my ways" soapbox.  I'm done with the open promises and pointless declarations.  Actually, I have no idea what I'm saying today.... except I felt different last night.

I think it's a good thing. 

Even I'm finally getting tired of the negativity.  Yes, I'm stressed.  Yes, I want a job.  Yes, I feel like my chances of getting the job I really want may have passed.  Yes, I'm frustrated that as hard as I worked to get where I am it hasn't paid off, yet.  But last night - none of that mattered.

All I kept thinking about was Monday being my do-over day.

My head was pulling my heart strings.  For a while, I was in complete control.  I was filled with optimism, drive....the feeling that something good is going to happen, I'll get through this slump, everything will work it's self out.

For the first time in months, I went to sleep on a Sunday night with a clear mind.  I actually looked forward to the opportunities that await me this week.

Is this some form of sign?  Is it possible that good things really do come to those who wait (and cry, and stress, and throw baby fits)?

Only time will tell.... but my mind is clearer today.

Maybe this is the beginning of a slight change in me.  Maybe I can begin to embrace Mondays as the do-over day for opportunity. 

If you're the kind of person that dreads Monday, take a second to think about how lucky you are.  Knowing that you have to get up for work in the morning should not be a burden - it is a blessing.  It doesn't matter if you hate your job...be thankful that you have one.

Mondays are going to be different for me now. 

Today is the beginning of a new week.  Could this be my week?  If not, next Monday...we'll start over, again.  I will continue to work through each and every week....I will do what I can.  I know that I will no longer curse Sunday nights.  Now....they are my key to a new start.

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

The Tribulations of Lardinia Assqueen

Last week, I introduced my alter-ego Lardinia Assqueen.

I will admit that I got the idea of personifying this chunk of my personality from Drazil... she has three personalities living inside of her....I just have two.  I can't help myself...her blog really inspires so much of what I write about.  I don't mean to steal her ideas...but they just connect with me.

So, there's Lardinia....the overweight, lazy, full of pity part of me that wants nothing more than to gobble up ice-cream and chocolate and pizza and blame it all on the fact that I can't find a job or have any motivation of losing any more weight.

And then there's Joanna...well, me...the thinner, healthy, full of energy go-getter that lets nothing stand in her way, fights for what she wants, and excepts no excuses.

Everyone knows what part of me has been writing the blogs and running the show the past few months.

After last week's declaration of evicting Lardinia, she decided to pursue her squatters rights.  She dug her heels in, hard, and refused to go anywhere - without a fight.  With the interviews and second interviews and rejection that happened this week, she sat in my mind laughing her terrible cackle each and every time I got my hopes up - only to have them ripped from me.

It's no surprise that it's so hard to get rid of her.  Lardinia has been here for so long.  Most of my life, actually.  For years, she has had complete power over my life....and she's loved every minute of it.  There have been times when Lardinia and I have had our run-ins.  I would get the bright idea that Lardinia had to go, and then try and do something about getting rid of her... but Lardinia won every time.

Last year, I got my first taste of life without Lardinia.  I was free of her and her evil, tempting ways.  I was eating right, exercising religiously, and my weight was falling off.  I was so happy she was gone... but it appears that she was just on vacation. 

She did not like how things were going when she got back, and slowly but surely started taking back control.  It started off with little binges here and there.  I noticed them, but was stricken with enough guilt after - that I was able to battle her head on, and put up a good fight.  Then little binges started turning into more frequent over eating.  That turned in to not wanting to work-out.  She was claiming back all control....I just sat back and let her.

In all honesty, the fight in me was gone.  I was so consumed with other aspects of my life, that it was easier for me to let Lardinia in....I was tired of fighting. 

I find that I have spells, here and there, where she pisses me off...and I declare that she's got to go... but she's still here.  Still running the show.  Still calling the shots.

Aside from an exorcism, I'm having a hard time coming up with ways to deal with her. 

At the end of the day, the only way she's going to go is by giving myself back the power.  But with so little left in me, it's so hard.  I never, EVER considered myself weak....until now.  I was always strong.  I was the go-getter.  If something was in my sights, I stopped at nothing to make it mine.  Hard work, sweat, tears....all a part of the process. 

My whole life, my determination has paid off.  I made great grades in school.  I found ways to take care of two kids all by myself.  I made sure that I found good jobs that provided.  I wanted to be a teacher - by gosh, I was going to find a way to get through school to make that dream a reality. 

And, now I'm here....the first time in my life where I can't get what I want.  No matter how hard I try.  No matter how hard I fight.  It's no surprise that Lardinia is winning the battles....I have nothing left to fight her with.

I have no intent on giving up.  That part of me, Lardinia will never take.  I am not a quitter.  I may swim in constant pity and regret... but I'm a good swimmer, and I'm not about to start drowning.  Does that mean that all of a sudden I'm going to start kicking her ass?  No, probably not.  It's going to take time... like it has my whole life. 

I know that when the day finally comes when I hear the magic words "you're hired" - her complete control will end.  I know with every shred of my being that it's the job situation that's giving her all of the power.  My mind is too consumed with that....so that's what she's feeding off of.

I may not hear those words for a long time. 

That scares me.  Because so much more will start to consume my mind after.... paying bills, providing for my family....the "better life" I promised my family.  That will just give her even more power.

So, all I can do right now, is hold my ground.  I can't let her take any more of me.  I will fight to hold on to what I have....even if there's no weight lost, I don't want to give her any more. 

She can't completely take me.  I can't let her.  I just don't know how much of a fight I have left in me.  I will try....and pray and hope and dream that soon I will hear the magic words that will send her packing, release me from her hold.... "you're hired".

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Ahhh...The Power of Friends

It's no secret that I've been totally stressed out lately...like, ready to pull out my own hair and anyone else's that should make the mistake of crossing my path stressed.

Along with the stress I've felt anger, frustration, guilt, and hopelessness.

I'm angry because I'm letting the stress take over my body and mind and reverse months and months of hard work of losing weight.

I'm frustrated because just when I think things are starting to look up on the job front - I get another disappointing letter saying "thanks, but no thanks".

I feel guilt when I express my emotions - because there are people that aren't even getting interviews, and I am told that I shouldn't be complaining about not finding a job...at least people are giving me an interview. 

The hopelessness comes from just feeling defeated...so many jobs have passed me by, and I wonder what's wrong with me?  Who don't principals want to hire me?

It's hard.  Yes.  I can boo-hoo my way through this post... but that's not what today is about.

Last night, for the first time in way too long, I got to let out the anger, frustration, guilt and hopelessness.  Not by yelling or screaming or crying.  Nope... by laughing about the whole mess.

Yep.  You heard me.  I laughed and laughed and laughed.

It was girls' night out last night.  For the first time in six weeks, I got to spend the evening with my two best friends in the whole world.  The sad truth?  My only true friends.  The kind of friends that you can say anything to, tell anything to, and know that there will be no judgement or shame or embarrassment. 

These two girls have the power of turning the worst of situations into something positive.  We do it by spilling our guts - and then laughing at it all.  It's very therapeutic.  I really wouldn't have gotten through the past four years...and especially these last few months without them.

After spending a few hours with them, I know that everything is going to be OK.  Even though one has found a job - we're so happy for her.  She is so supportive of Sanity and I...and keeps us filled with hope.  From this point on, she is given the rightful pseudonym of Hope.

This morning I feel totally different.  I'm happy.  I feel refreshed.  I'm ready to start over...with the job hunting...and other stuff.  My sanity and hope have been recharged.  Those girls are my Duracell batteries to my Energizer Bunny....they fill me up with energy.

True friendship is very hard to come by.  In my life, I've had very few people that I give this definition to.  There is so much power in true friendship...and I often forget this.  I feel so blessed to have these two girls in my life. 

I know that when Sanity gets married, Hope and I will be standing right next to her on the big day.  When Hope has her first baby, Sanity and I will be sitting in the waiting room.  When I finally get married, I know that both girls will be proudly standing next to me.  We will be at each other's kids' graduations and weddings.  We will comfort each other in times of grief.  We will share in each other's victories.  We will always be there for each other.

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

BYOC - Better Late Than Never...Right??

Sorry I'm posting this so late, it's been quite the day.  So, here goes with BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy.  I got the questions from Queen of Skittles, Draz...and you can link up, too!! 

Here goes...

1. **NOTE FROM DRAZ**:Alright – forgive me – we’re gonna get a little personal here. I was flipping through my organizer and saw in big bright letters “ANNUAL PHYSICAL DUE” coming up soon. Then I remembered that last year my lady bits doc said that since I haven’t had a bad pap in so many years – that I don’t have to come back for another 3 years if I don’t want to. What the what? Did you guys know that? No speculum in the vaginulum?

Anywhoozle – it sounds all good but really – do any of you follow this medical rule? Do you go every three years if you’ve never had a bad pap?

I had my last pap test a couple of weeks ago - and it had been three years before that.  Not because I was following the rule, just because I had no insurance - and couldn't afford to go.  I know, I'm bad.

Luckily, the doctor told me it was fine - and that everything looked OK.  I do have to wait for a bunch of cultures to come back from the lab before I can get another IUD for birth control  -because of the 3 year gap in pap smears... but I'm OK with that.

As soon as I get a job, and insurance, I will be going every year.  It will be a requirement of my implant.

2. If you read, what are you reading right now? Or how about what is your fave music right now?

I love to read, and it was one of my major plans to read a ton of books this summer.  I haven't, though.  I've only read two books - and they were both kids books.  I'm trying to get through my tween novels, so that I'll be able to put them in my classroom... if that day ever happens. 

My favorite music lately has been Collective Soul, Breaking Benjamin, Meatloaf, and Black Eyed Peas... quite eclectic, arent' I??  Oh, and I also love to blast the Rent Soundtrack occasionally.... it's on my iPhone - and I love every song on it.

3. Name some of your favorite smells.

My all time favorite smell is the smell of freshly brewed coffee.  I even buy coffee candles - cause I just love the smell of it.

I also love the smell of fresh, clean linens.

The smell of my kids when they're freshly showered.

Indian food.  There's something about Indian food that I absolutely LOVE...

4. Showers or baths? Shampoo only or shampoo & conditioner? Shave daily or just when you start feeling and looking like an ape?

I am definitely a shower person.  Every once in a blue moon, I'll jump in the tub - but not very often.  We have one of those garden tubs...and while it's nice and relaxing...it's a pain in the arse to fill up.  I'd much rather just jump in and out of the shower - and be done with it.

I'm a 2 in 1 kinda gal... shampoo & conditioner in one bottle.  It's a time thing...it's quicker.

I shave once every other day - sometimes every other other day.  Depends on what I'm doing.  If I know I'm just going to be home for a few days, I don't bother with the shaving.  If I'm going out - and my legs/underarms will be exposed...then I investigate the "see factor".  If the stubble can be seen from a distance...I'll shave.  I'd say, on average, I shave 2 times a week.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland.
Blogland has been fine.  I finished up my Skinny Cow giveaway, and declared to the world that I'd gained over 5lbs in a week.  I confessed my sins, and exposed myself all commando like.  Yeah, I'll wait while you go check it out.

Real life has been TOUGH!!  This week has been so hard on me.  Monday, I interviewed for a position with DHS.  Won't know if I got the job until August. 

Tuesday, I interviewed for a position working for a counseling service that provides para-professionals to a preschool that specializes in kids that are in DHS custody and/or are victims of abuse.  Interview went great!!

Wednesday, I get an email from a principle asking me if I'm ESL certified... with me thinking that I'm being considered for the job.  Only to find out at the end of the day, that I'm not - because...well.. I'm not ESL certified.

Yesterday, I get another call about the para-professional position, asking me for a 2nd interview at the preschool with the assistant director. 

Today, I went to the 2nd interview.  I spent some time in the classrooms.  I observed the MHPP (Mental Health Para Professional).  The position would include working on behavioral/social management with the pre-k teacher.  The assistant director then informs me that they have received additional funding to add three new teaching positions - and I could be considered for one of those positions....if I choose to be.

Dilemma!! BIG TIME!!  I had to decide which job to pursue.  Either go with the MHPP job or apply for the teaching jobs.  There's no guarantee for either... but I probably have more chance getting the MHPP job.  If I chose to wait and pursue the teaching job, there's no guarantee that I'll be one that they chose to hire.  I was honest with the counseling service...I want a teaching job... but, I also let them know that at the end of the day, I'd be happy with either position.  Now, my fate rests in their hands.  I gave the decision back to them - so they can decide if they want me or not.

The MHPP job starts immediately, has less responsibility, less money, but is still helping children.
The teaching job doesn't start until September, they haven't even started the selection process - but it's a lead teaching position for a lot more money. 

I guess only time will tell if I get offered either one.

I'm done worrying about it for one day.  Tonight I'm having a MUCH NEEDED girls night out with my two besties.  I can't wait.  I need some de-stressing time, that's fo' SURE!!

OK, my lovelies...your turn.  Answer the questions on your own blog - then come share with me.

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

I Interupt This Broadcast For Random Thoughts and Feelings

Probably not a lot of weight loss talk is going to happen today....so, if you're only interested in that stuff - you may want to come back tomorrow.  If you're OK listening to me ramble on about whatever should jump from my head, to the keyboard, and into this post...then, by all means, keep reading.

Yesterday was the type of day I refer to as a "rollercoaster day".  It was full of slow and steady ups, followed by fast, stomach churning downs.  I experienced emotions that changed so fast, it made my head spin.

The day started off like usual - me in front of my computer writing, checking emails, and stalking reading Facebook statuses.  I chatted with a couple of friends about the current woes of job searching, and looked at all of the school websites hunting for a new job posting that may have surfaced in the 12 hours since I last checked.... cause you know, jobs get posted during the middle of the night, right?

After my usual computer routine, I had to get ready to go and pick up Peanut from my friend's house.  She's been there since Friday...wait, you don't really need to know all that stuff, right?

Right before I was ready to head out the door to go and pick up Peanut - I received an email.  It was a response from a principle....no job offer by any means, but enough to perk my curiosity and get me pretty excited.  I responded to the email - and for the next several hours checked my email on my phone every 30 seconds.

During that time, I went out with a couple of friends and Peanut to see the new Harry Potter movie.  It was awesome!!  I was so sad at the end - being that the whole saga is over - but the movie ended perfectly...and I loved every minute of it.

So random recap....

Slow, steady increase for the start of my day.

Sudden heart stopping crash - after I receive the email.  It was a good, exciting, nail biting ride.

Another slow and steady uphill followed by an exciting fall....with the movie.  Great movie, sad it was over.

After the movie, I had to head to my mom's to pick up Jelly.  I was so excited to see her.  Even though she'd only been gone 3 days - it's always nice when she comes running to me like she hasn't seen me in months.  The hugs and kisses are AMAZING!! 

Slow increase with the drive to my mom's - happy downhill as I receive 3 year old hugs and kisses.

I excitedly tell my mom about the email I had received.  I have a bad habit of sharing information that probably shouldn't be shared until I get more information.... but excitement got the best of me...lesson learned, again.

On my way home, I receive the follow up email I'd been waiting for.....except it wasn't what I was waiting for.  It was to deliver bad news - I wasn't eligible for the job after all.  After such a great day - instantly my world crashed down around me. 

The rollercoaster came completely off the rails and was falling, out of control.

Then, I get home to hear that our AC went out all of a sudden....no rhyme or reason...just stopped working.

Icing on the cake???  Apparently.

Not only am I ticked off and upset about the email - but now I have to deal with no AC as I dwell in my self pity.  Hot and sweaty self-pity sucks hairy donkey balls, by the way.

There's only one way that I can deal with this kind of earth shattering pissiness - watching a couple of hours of True Blood.  I started watching True Blood a few weeks ago - and I'm completely hooked.

Eric Northman has the power to bring me out of the crappiest of moods. 

Rollercoaster is managing to find it's way back on to it's tracks.

This morning, I woke up and the house was hot....of course.  Hubby came home, decided to take another look at the AC, and discovered that a fuse had blown inside the indoor unit.  Could it be that we could fix our AC problem for pennies???  That NEVER happens to us. 

We're the kind of people that have bad things happen when we have no money... you know...like right now. 

Well, it was just the fuse!!  HALLAFREAKINLUJAH!!!

I'm now back in AC wonderland.  The house is much cooler already.  My mood is much better.

I told ya, just like a rollercoaster.  One thrill ride after another.

I warned you all this was going to be random, didn't I?  You're heads are all probably spinning just trying to keep up with all of this....that's kind of what my head feels like on a daily basis....so, now you're getting to get a little taste of my life...aren't you lucky??

Now that my AC is back on and my world is back in balance....I can get on with my plans for the day.  That would consist of doing nothing but laundry.  Oh, and searching job sites....and checking my email every 30 seconds hoping that maybe, just maybe I get another response from someone else.

Now, back to regularly scheduled programming....tomorrow....

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Who's Getting Free Chocolate? Giveaway Winners Announced

That's it.  The giveaway is over.

I want to thank the eight people that entered the drawing.... I wish I had enough prizes for everyone.

There were 8 people that entered, and 22 comments from those entrants.  I used a random generator to give me three winners....and here they are....

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:

2
10
14

Timestamp: 2011-07-21 12:28:20 UTC

Based on these numbers correlating to the comments, the winners are:

Charlene from Dieting 4 Disney

Hollie

Nanci from This Crazy Life of Mine

Congrats, ladies!!! 

Please send me your mailing address to diaryofmadfatwoman@yahoo.com

Each person is going to receive 4 coupons good for all four varieties of the new Skinny Cow candies.

I'm going to write a post - but it will be seperate to this one...

Till next time.  ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Weigh in Wednesday...And Other Ramblings

It's week 6 of the Burst into Summer Challenge.  What have I accomplished in 6 weeks?  Nothing.  Not a thing.  I started off the challenge only 15lbs away from reaching Onederland - with that being the goal - and now?  Well, now I'm almost double that.

I've wrote how bad I feel.  I've wrote how disappointed I am.  I planned on writing about exactly that this morning.... but a few events since last night have changed that.

First, let's get the numbers out.

Challenge Start Weight:  214.8lbs
Weight Last Week:  217.8lbs
Weight This Week:  223.2lbs

That gives me a 5.4lb gain for the week.  Almost 6lbs in 7 days.  Lord almighty!!

Some of you will assure me that a gain that big really isn't possible - but after the week I had, it is.

There were several days this past week that I probably ate close to 4000 calories - probably a lot more - with no exercise.  I saw the weight creeping up each day, yet I continued to eat.  Call it depression, or binging, or whatever... when it was really a lack of caring and a lack of motivation.

I can sit here and spill how things are going to be different... but I've already done that.  Over and over and over.  My actions will be the only truth to those statements.  I do intend on following those actions.

I knew what the scale was going to say this morning... it's my own fault.

I read a post this morning from Draz - and she made me realize something....well, she added fuel to the blog fire I had already planned on writing about..... She gets a "Yeah, what she said" with her blog post this morning... so go read it HERE.
I've spent so much time worrying about what everyone else will think of me - and that I'm disappointing those around me.  When I write my blogs each day, I cringe at what I'm writing about.  All I can think about is how my readers will judge me.  Will they think I'm a failure?  Will they get tired of hearing the same ol' excuses?  Will they disappear, writing me off as a lost cause?

It's those feelings that prompt my "I will do better" attitude in each post... but what happens?  The next week, I'm sharing the same open promises - while the number continues to rise on the scale.

Last night, I watched Extreme Make-Over: Weight Loss Edition.  It was that show that gave me some realizations on my situation.

Now, when I first started watching the show, I scoffed at the unrealistic nature that was being portrayed on the show.  I judged the fact that - just like the Biggest Loser - anyone can lose weight when it's all expenses paid, personal super trainers, and hours upon hours to work out each day.

Last week, the show aired it's first failure.  A person so consumed with their food addiction - that regardless of the tools that were provided... he still wasn't able to do anything about his weight.

Last night, the show focused on a woman with two kids, a husband that had had a stroke that she took care of, and a full time job to boot.  The first three months of her transformation she was given a live-in trainer and full home gym.  She managed to lose 106lbs in those three months and was then rewarded with a nanny to help with the kids/husband/house for the next three months.  Her goal was to lose 60lbs for that portion of time... which she did.  The third three months she was on her own.  No more live-in trainer, no more nanny.  It was time for her to figure out how to juggle kids, a husband, her house, and her job...on top of trying to lose another 60lbs.

It was no shock to me that on her 9 month weigh-in, she'd gained 4lbs.  She claimed it was just all too much - but Chris (the trainer) reminded her that it wasn't just the time constraints... she had put herself on the back burner once again...she stopped caring.  By her final weigh in - she had managed to go from 456lbs down to 255lbs... in 1 year.  A 201lbs weight loss.

Now, this story started to get to me. 

When I was working, going to school, and raising my kids - I had such great success in managing it all.  I lost the bulk of my weight during that time.  Now?  I'm home every day, have no qualms about time constraints, and I'm gaining weight faster than the Energizer Bunny on crack.

It made no sense to me.  Why am I failing now when the opportunity is so readily available for me to really focus on the weight?  Then I realized - I'm missing the elements.  I'm missing the busy schedule and providing for my family.  I felt like superwoman when I was able to do all those things - and now I feel like nothing more than a failure. 

I can't find a job.  My kids (one or two at a time) have been gone most of the summer staying with family and friends, they haven't needed me.  I'm out of my comfort zone.  I need to be needed.  I need to be counted on.  I'm neither of those things, right now.

It's weird - but my story is kind of the opposite of Extreme Weight Loss woman.  She couldn't handle juggling everything... I can't handle not juggling it all.  I'm weird, aren't I?

Again, I'm not going to sit here and spill my apologies or promises to get better. 

I just have to learn to adapt.  To look deeper at myself.  I need to stop caring what others may think of me - and focus on how I feel about myself.

OK, I haven't found a job yet.  That's stressing me out to no end.  It's on the top of my priority list right now - and it has to be.  The problem is, the job hunting is taking all priorities....and knocking everything else off of the list.  It doesn't have to be that way.

It can't be that way.  I know that.

My only promise that I give today is that I promise to take one day at a time.  I'm going to work on trying to overcome this sense of failure...I have to start worrying about how I feel about myself, and stop worrying what everyone else may think of me.

I have the will.  I have the desire.  Now?  It's time to focus on myself - while I have the chance.

Before I go, I just want to give the last call for the Skinny Cow Giveaway.  I will be announcing the winners tomorrow morning.

Till next time.  ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

True Confessions Time

It's time to confess, clear the air, and get a few things off my chest in this week's True Confessions Tuesday....

I confess that I was pretty ticked off when my phone rang at 5:30 this morning from the school sub finder program.  The call dropped before I could find out what job was being offered - but what freakin' school is needing a sub in the middle of July???  Even the "year round" schools are on summer break.

I confess that this past week has been bad - but I'm not spilling it all out there.  I will just say that there was lots of fried food, buffet restaurants, McDonalds, and ice-cream involved.  Read the past two days' posts to see how I feel about my behavior...and my plan for dealing with it.  I just want to leave it with saying it's been BAD.

I confess that I am 110% sure that I'm going to have a significant gain on the scale tomorrow.  When I say significant, I mean BIG TIME significant.

I confess that I'm very nervous about my behaviors, lately.  It's reminding me a lot of who I used to be - and I don't want to be that person again. 

I confess that watching last week's Extreme Make-Over Weight Loss Edition* really sent a hot poker up my behind about what's happening to me....and that I need to do something about it NOW!!

*If you didn't see the show, or don't watch it, Chris Powell (the trainer) took on a 490lbs client.  In the first 90 days, the guy lost 110lbs.  The following 90 days he only lost 18lbs.  During the last 6 months, the guy ended up putting all of the weight back on, because he feel back in to his old ways - and Chris realized the severity of the guy's food addiction.  Chris had to drop the guy from the show, and instead referred him to a rehab facility because the addiction was so bad.  I mean, sneak money, lie to his wife, and on the verge of suicide bad.  It was a very eye opening experience to watch.

I confess that I have really mixed emotions about the job search, and believe that the stress of not finding a job is the cause of my set-backs over the past several weeks.  As much as I like to try and make myself believe that I'm going to stay positive - the negativity is still coming out.  It's just happening in the form of binges, over eating, and lack of motivation to exercise.

I confess that I'm sick and tired of whining and complaining and making excuses and letting stressful situations control my weight.  I'm serious that this shit has gotta go!!

I confess that, on the back of my last confession, I refuse to write about this negative crap anymore.  I want to be the funny, quirky, in your face gal I used to be...and it's OK for you all to confess that you're sick of hearing about it.

I confess that I had mixed emotions after a job interview yesterday with DHS.  The job sounds OK, but it's not working with kids....and I want to work with kids more than anything in the whole world.  Unfortunately, the bill collectors won't listen to the excuse "I haven't found the job I want, yet".  It's a case of finding a job - any job.

I confess that I felt a little burst of excitement when I received a call about interviewing at a preschool that specializes in children who have behavioral/emotional problems.  I interview for that position this morning.  While my personal preferences don't include preschool age...they are kids... like I just said I want to work with kids.  There's no room for age preferences at this point.

I confess that I opted to have the interview at 8:30 (instead of the 12:30 time that was also offered) because the first thought that came through my mind was "I want to be able to work-out...and going early in the morning will give me the rest of the day to do it."  Finally!!  A positive confession... hold your applause.

I confess that I really want more people to enter my Skinny Cow giveaway.  There's only two more days left...and I want this to be a successful giveaway.  *Do you hear the guilt trip in this?  Hope so!

I confess that I'm tired of confessing right now.... got to get to getting ready for my interview.

Till next time.  ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

While The Children Are Away... Mom Will Go Commando

Let me start out by saying I'm sorry that I scared several of you yesterday...it was so nice to read that you were concerned - and it's times when I read that stuff that makes me realize how much support I have.  I love you guys.

Also - upfront - this blog is NOT about me running around with no underwear.  Geez...where do I come up with these blog titles?

My Bad Ass Avatar

Alright, enough with the warm and fuzzy crap. 
Today, I'm waging war.  I've got some ass to kick.  I have a feeling that self-sabotage bitch, who I am going to affectionately call Lardania Assqueen isn't going to go quietly.

I'm no Harry Potter.  By just saying the words "It's time to move out, bitch" while waving a magic wand isn't going to expel her from my body - or my life.  No, it's going to take work...hard work. 

Strategy.  Discipline.  Balls.  Yeah, you heard me.  Balls - to have the courage to stand up to her and show her who's boss.

For the next two and a half days, I've been given a gift.  A gift that provides me the opportunity to focus on myself 100%...and this will be a test to see how I handle the eviction process of Lardania Assqueen.  My kids are away.

One is with my mom.  One is with one of my friends.  One is at summer day camp.

They are gone....time to bust out the hard artillery.

I have a plan... but I want to keep it to myself, for now.  Posting my victories is the plan - so that's how it's gonna play out. 

I have only a few weeks left of summer.  It may be even less if I get the job that I'm interviewing for today (more about that later).  I've completely wasted four weeks - and not only wasted... but Lardania has made damn sure that I'm in a worse position than when the summer started.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I was supposed to be sporting my size 10-12 body in a bathing suit with pride.  I was supposed to be running a 5K in less than 30 minutes - and working on running a 10K.  I was supposed to be in Onederland.  I was supposed to be here writing about the victories each week, my increase in strength, and my ability to make decisions on my food.

No more do I want to live with regret, defeat, or uncertainty.

I am the commander of my destiny...at least the weight loss part.  If I fail at losing weight - I have only myself to blame.

Let the war begin!!!

In other news....coming back from my ass kicking self....I have an interview today.  It's for a position working at the DHS.  It's not with kids.  It's not in a classroom.  But it pays.  When you're on the verge of being broke, have no prospects in regards to the "dream job" that you went to college to obtain, then you do what ya gotta do, right?

I'm not giving up on having my own classroom - or some form of teaching job - but desperate times calls for desperate measures.  I will continue to work on filling my dreams, and who knows, I might actually like this job (if I get it).

Alright - time for me to go. 

Don't forget to get signed up for the Skinny Cow candy giveaway.  I'm announcing a winner on Thursday - still don't have very many entries.  I'd really like to make this giveaway a success, so that I might start getting better opportunities to give away bigger and better stuff.  Help a girl out, won't ya?

Till next time.  ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

So Long, Farewell...It's Time to Say Goodbye

It's Sunday, so I should be doing a Hype or Help review of EA Active Trainer 2.

I can't do that today.  Because...well... I haven't used the program all week - so I have nothing to review.

The sad part is, I've been home pretty much all week.  I left my house for a while Monday and Friday - but other than that, I was home.  It was the perfect opportunity to work out.... but did I do it?  No.

So, I'm guessing you're probably confused, curious, or a little concerned about my blog title, right?

Maybe you're not.  Maybe you're been sensing that this day would come - and you're just reading this to affirm your suspicions.  You know that I've been on the verge of giving up for a long time - I just wouldn't admit it to myself. 

If you're one of those latter people... well...then I have one thing to say to you:  Sorry, but you're going to pretty disappointed with what I have to say.

I'm not going anywhere.

A part of me is leaving.  A part of me is giving up. 

For several months, now, I've been a freakin' teeter-tooter.  I'm disappointed in myself, then I'm not disappointed.  I care then I don't care.  I start to pick up momentum, then I give up.  Back and forth - left to right - moving up and coming back down.

There's really only one thing that has stayed constant during my inner battle with myself: the direction the scale is moving.  It's been going up, and up, and up.  Even after a week of a minor loss - it's right back up there the next week...sometimes with a little more added.

I'm no rookie to this situation.  I've been here many MANY times.

In the past, however, my course of action would be to declare that I tried and failed.  It was a dead end street that I was trying to find a way out of.  I was doing myself more harm than good - and so it would just be time to call it quits and maybe try again another day...maybe a week from now, or a month...maybe even a couple of years.

I'm no stranger to defeat.  Yet, I'm only willing to admit defeat when the situation sees fit.  If I am the controller of the game, the rules, and the outcome - how can I consciously give up?  If the game isn't going to plan - it doesn't mean it's time to give up, it just means there needs to be some adjustments made.

This is where I say goodbye.

I say goodbye to the girl that has been playing mind games with herself.

I say goodbye to the girl that has hidden behind a wall of excuses and stupid reasons that are causing failure.

I say goodbye to the girl that puts on a front that she's not bothered by the lack of committal and dedication to make the necessary changes in her life.

I say goodbye to the girl that is losing all motivation - and is making the changes to create the same body of a girl that weighed 300lbs just over 18 months ago.

If I don't say goodbye now - I'm going to be that 300lbs girl again in no time.

I can't let that happen.  I don't want her in my life anymore. 

OK, so now you're wondering, what brought all this on? 

There's no one answer to that.  It's been festering and growing inside of me.  I've started to feel those twangs of pain that I had when I was 300lbs...not physical pain...emotional pain.

I put on a pair of pants that fit me perfectly two weeks ago - only to feel like my midsection is being cut in half...and I can't breath right. 

I sit down to eat dinner, and I'm overcome with the sense of urgency to eat everything on my plate - whether I'm full or not - and then go back for more... because there is more food to eat, and I don't want to waste it.

I tell myself that I need to work out - but sitting in front of the TV or taking a nap sound so much more enjoyable.  I'm too tried to work-out...even though I have done NOTHING to cause this fatigue.

This time last year, I was so excited about this summer.  I had planned on being close to goal weight, being in Onederland, being proud to wear a bathing suit, showing off my new rockin' body - and proudly sporting my ability to run miles and work out for hours.

A year later - and I have none of those things.  I am still 70lbs from goal weight.  I am 20lbs from Onederland.  I cringe at the thought of putting on a bathing suit.  I can't even run as much as I could last summer - because I've slacked off so much, my endurance has decreased.

I could have had all of those things.  I chose to let the opportunity slip me by - and these are the results I get.

I am here today to not make a list of open promises.  I'm not writing out a goal list.  I'm not putting into stone my plans of getting out of this slump.  Those things will come - and are being formulated as I type.

I make only one promise, today.  That promise is to the fat, unhappy girl living inside that is slowly killing the fit, healthy girl that is dying to break free...

Pack your bags, BITCH - You're MOVING OUT!!

You are hereby given notice of your pending eviction.  You are to remove yourself, your sabotaging ways, your lack of motivation, and the poison of hurt you inflict on the inside of my soul. 

No longer will my body occupy you or your belongings listed above.  You have overstayed your welcome.  You are no longer wanted.  You have abused and destroyed this property long enough - and the roommate you've been bullying is finally sticking up for herself.

The fit, healthy girl that has been locked in a closet has finally found her voice - and she has aired her grievances about you.  It is time to take action to see you gone. 

So long.  Farewell.  It's time to say goodbye.  You will NOT be missed.

Till next time.  ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

It's Friday!! Bring IT!! BYOC!!

It's BYOC time - Bring Your Own Crazy. 

Go check out the BYOC Master's blog - that's Draz.  She's the genius behind BYOC, and she's VERY good at it!!

Copy the questions.  Answer them on your blog.  Come back and link up. 

Who doesn't like a day off from trying to decide what to write about, right?

1. Let’s do something crazy….I’m going to list the rainbow colors and you type the first FOOD item that pops into your head that symbolizes that color for you…..here’s mine:

Red - Tomatoes
Orange - Spanish Rice....hey, it's better than just saying "oranges"
Yellow - Curried rice...wow, I need to eat some rice
Green - Lettuce
Blue - Vodka....ever tried blue vodka?  Don't... it's so good, but so bad!!  I understand it's not a food - but it's what pops in my head when I think about the color.
Purple - Beets - GROSS!!  I don't like them, because they are purple.  I guess I'm a purple racist YIKES!
Brown -  Yummy chocolate... come on, what else is there?
Black - Licorice... haven't had black licorice in forever...now I want some.  Dang it!!

2. What is on your kitchen table right now?

A vase filled with sand and rocks.  My fantabulous pink snake skin purse.  Some coffee mugs - not sure why, but... My Neti Pot - again, why the heck that's on there I don't know.  That's it.

I like for my kitchen table to stay clear.. not so it can be eaten at, just so it looks nice.  I know - I'm weird.

3. What movie do you watch again and again and again? Not like what movie have you seen 5 times…but like what movie have you seen 30 times or more?

There's not really a movie I watch over and over.  I've seen lots of movies multiple times.  Pretty much all of the Harry Potter movies I know all of the lines too (SO F'in excited about the new movie being out).  I'm the same way with the Twilight Saga.. don't judge me!!

As far as just watching a movie again and again?  Doesn't really happen.  I have to be in the mood to watch a movie I've seen before - I much rather watch movies I haven't seen.

4. If Satan had a last name – what would it be?

Holy crap wad, Draz - this is hard!!

Thinking of a last name for him is hard... he's like Cher, one name just sounds better.  Come to think of it - maybe one word names are Satan spawns!!  Haven't you wondered sometimes where Cher, Madonna, and Gaga get their crazy talents from??

I'm digressing.

How about Satan *insert that last name of the person who you believe to have pure evil running through their veins*  They have to be related, right?

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.
Blogland has been pretty good.  Down 3lbs this week - that's always great.  I posted the True Confessions book on Tuesday... I had a lot to say.

Yesterday, I posted about my Skinny Cow Giveaway.  I had 3 entries...there are 3 prizes...hopefully there will be more entries.  It's really easy to join in - just leave a comment on that post telling me why you want to try the crazy, awesome candy bars that Skinny Cow are now making.  Come on, people - who doesn't love free stuff?? Free chocolate - that's not terribly bad for you?? Hello!! That's like winning the lottery!!

In real life, it's been a pretty boring week.  I haven't left my house since Monday. 

Monday, I went and got on birth control pills - YAY!! 

The rest of the week, I've been cleaning my house - from top to bottom.  Why do people say "top to bottom?"  I wasn't scrubbing ceilings - the stuff wasn't piled to the ceiling.  If anything, I cleaned from one side to the other.... there, that's better.

My house is clean now!! Doesn't happen very often - probably won't last long - but I'm basking in it today.  Later, I'm going to my mom's to pick up my little sister, drop of Butter, and then taking Peanut to my friend's house for the weekend.  My lil sister, Jelly, and I are going to spend the weekend together - not sure what we're going to do... but I'll think of something.

OK - Your turn.

Go post your BYOC.  Come back and tell me you did it.  Don't forget to sign up for my giveaway.... the odds are pretty good for you, right now.

Till next time.  ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter