I will admit that I got the idea of personifying this chunk of my personality from Drazil... she has three personalities living inside of her....I just have two. I can't help myself...her blog really inspires so much of what I write about. I don't mean to steal her ideas...but they just connect with me.
So, there's Lardinia....the overweight, lazy, full of pity part of me that wants nothing more than to gobble up ice-cream and chocolate and pizza and blame it all on the fact that I can't find a job or have any motivation of losing any more weight.
And then there's Joanna...well, me...the thinner, healthy, full of energy go-getter that lets nothing stand in her way, fights for what she wants, and excepts no excuses.
Everyone knows what part of me has been writing the blogs and running the show the past few months.
After last week's declaration of evicting Lardinia, she decided to pursue her squatters rights. She dug her heels in, hard, and refused to go anywhere - without a fight. With the interviews and second interviews and rejection that happened this week, she sat in my mind laughing her terrible cackle each and every time I got my hopes up - only to have them ripped from me.
It's no surprise that it's so hard to get rid of her. Lardinia has been here for so long. Most of my life, actually. For years, she has had complete power over my life....and she's loved every minute of it. There have been times when Lardinia and I have had our run-ins. I would get the bright idea that Lardinia had to go, and then try and do something about getting rid of her... but Lardinia won every time.
Last year, I got my first taste of life without Lardinia. I was free of her and her evil, tempting ways. I was eating right, exercising religiously, and my weight was falling off. I was so happy she was gone... but it appears that she was just on vacation.
She did not like how things were going when she got back, and slowly but surely started taking back control. It started off with little binges here and there. I noticed them, but was stricken with enough guilt after - that I was able to battle her head on, and put up a good fight. Then little binges started turning into more frequent over eating. That turned in to not wanting to work-out. She was claiming back all control....I just sat back and let her.
In all honesty, the fight in me was gone. I was so consumed with other aspects of my life, that it was easier for me to let Lardinia in....I was tired of fighting.
I find that I have spells, here and there, where she pisses me off...and I declare that she's got to go... but she's still here. Still running the show. Still calling the shots.
Aside from an exorcism, I'm having a hard time coming up with ways to deal with her.
At the end of the day, the only way she's going to go is by giving myself back the power. But with so little left in me, it's so hard. I never, EVER considered myself weak....until now. I was always strong. I was the go-getter. If something was in my sights, I stopped at nothing to make it mine. Hard work, sweat, tears....all a part of the process.
My whole life, my determination has paid off. I made great grades in school. I found ways to take care of two kids all by myself. I made sure that I found good jobs that provided. I wanted to be a teacher - by gosh, I was going to find a way to get through school to make that dream a reality.
And, now I'm here....the first time in my life where I can't get what I want. No matter how hard I try. No matter how hard I fight. It's no surprise that Lardinia is winning the battles....I have nothing left to fight her with.
I have no intent on giving up. That part of me, Lardinia will never take. I am not a quitter. I may swim in constant pity and regret... but I'm a good swimmer, and I'm not about to start drowning. Does that mean that all of a sudden I'm going to start kicking her ass? No, probably not. It's going to take time... like it has my whole life.
I know that when the day finally comes when I hear the magic words "you're hired" - her complete control will end. I know with every shred of my being that it's the job situation that's giving her all of the power. My mind is too consumed with that....so that's what she's feeding off of.
I may not hear those words for a long time.
That scares me. Because so much more will start to consume my mind after.... paying bills, providing for my family....the "better life" I promised my family. That will just give her even more power.
So, all I can do right now, is hold my ground. I can't let her take any more of me. I will fight to hold on to what I have....even if there's no weight lost, I don't want to give her any more.
She can't completely take me. I can't let her. I just don't know how much of a fight I have left in me. I will try....and pray and hope and dream that soon I will hear the magic words that will send her packing, release me from her hold.... "you're hired".
Till next time. ;)
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