I can't do that today. Because...well... I haven't used the program all week - so I have nothing to review.
The sad part is, I've been home pretty much all week. I left my house for a while Monday and Friday - but other than that, I was home. It was the perfect opportunity to work out.... but did I do it? No.
So, I'm guessing you're probably confused, curious, or a little concerned about my blog title, right?
Maybe you're not. Maybe you're been sensing that this day would come - and you're just reading this to affirm your suspicions. You know that I've been on the verge of giving up for a long time - I just wouldn't admit it to myself.
If you're one of those latter people... well...then I have one thing to say to you: Sorry, but you're going to pretty disappointed with what I have to say.
I'm not going anywhere.
A part of me is leaving. A part of me is giving up.
For several months, now, I've been a freakin' teeter-tooter. I'm disappointed in myself, then I'm not disappointed. I care then I don't care. I start to pick up momentum, then I give up. Back and forth - left to right - moving up and coming back down.
There's really only one thing that has stayed constant during my inner battle with myself: the direction the scale is moving. It's been going up, and up, and up. Even after a week of a minor loss - it's right back up there the next week...sometimes with a little more added.
I'm no rookie to this situation. I've been here many MANY times.
In the past, however, my course of action would be to declare that I tried and failed. It was a dead end street that I was trying to find a way out of. I was doing myself more harm than good - and so it would just be time to call it quits and maybe try again another day...maybe a week from now, or a month...maybe even a couple of years.
I'm no stranger to defeat. Yet, I'm only willing to admit defeat when the situation sees fit. If I am the controller of the game, the rules, and the outcome - how can I consciously give up? If the game isn't going to plan - it doesn't mean it's time to give up, it just means there needs to be some adjustments made.
This is where I say goodbye.
I say goodbye to the girl that has been playing mind games with herself.
I say goodbye to the girl that has hidden behind a wall of excuses and stupid reasons that are causing failure.
I say goodbye to the girl that puts on a front that she's not bothered by the lack of committal and dedication to make the necessary changes in her life.
I say goodbye to the girl that is losing all motivation - and is making the changes to create the same body of a girl that weighed 300lbs just over 18 months ago.
If I don't say goodbye now - I'm going to be that 300lbs girl again in no time.
I can't let that happen. I don't want her in my life anymore.
OK, so now you're wondering, what brought all this on?
There's no one answer to that. It's been festering and growing inside of me. I've started to feel those twangs of pain that I had when I was 300lbs...not physical pain...emotional pain.
I put on a pair of pants that fit me perfectly two weeks ago - only to feel like my midsection is being cut in half...and I can't breath right.
I sit down to eat dinner, and I'm overcome with the sense of urgency to eat everything on my plate - whether I'm full or not - and then go back for more... because there is more food to eat, and I don't want to waste it.
I tell myself that I need to work out - but sitting in front of the TV or taking a nap sound so much more enjoyable. I'm too tried to work-out...even though I have done NOTHING to cause this fatigue.
This time last year, I was so excited about this summer. I had planned on being close to goal weight, being in Onederland, being proud to wear a bathing suit, showing off my new rockin' body - and proudly sporting my ability to run miles and work out for hours.
A year later - and I have none of those things. I am still 70lbs from goal weight. I am 20lbs from Onederland. I cringe at the thought of putting on a bathing suit. I can't even run as much as I could last summer - because I've slacked off so much, my endurance has decreased.
I could have had all of those things. I chose to let the opportunity slip me by - and these are the results I get.
I am here today to not make a list of open promises. I'm not writing out a goal list. I'm not putting into stone my plans of getting out of this slump. Those things will come - and are being formulated as I type.
I make only one promise, today. That promise is to the fat, unhappy girl living inside that is slowly killing the fit, healthy girl that is dying to break free...
Pack your bags, BITCH - You're MOVING OUT!!
You are hereby given notice of your pending eviction. You are to remove yourself, your sabotaging ways, your lack of motivation, and the poison of hurt you inflict on the inside of my soul.
No longer will my body occupy you or your belongings listed above. You have overstayed your welcome. You are no longer wanted. You have abused and destroyed this property long enough - and the roommate you've been bullying is finally sticking up for herself.
The fit, healthy girl that has been locked in a closet has finally found her voice - and she has aired her grievances about you. It is time to take action to see you gone.
So long. Farewell. It's time to say goodbye. You will NOT be missed.
Till next time. ;)
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