It's week 6 of the Burst into Summer Challenge. What have I accomplished in 6 weeks? Nothing. Not a thing. I started off the challenge only 15lbs away from reaching Onederland - with that being the goal - and now? Well, now I'm almost double that.
I've wrote how bad I feel. I've wrote how disappointed I am. I planned on writing about exactly that this morning.... but a few events since last night have changed that.
First, let's get the numbers out.
Challenge Start Weight: 214.8lbs
Weight Last Week: 217.8lbs
Weight This Week: 223.2lbs
That gives me a 5.4lb gain for the week. Almost 6lbs in 7 days. Lord almighty!!
Some of you will assure me that a gain that big really isn't possible - but after the week I had, it is.
There were several days this past week that I probably ate close to 4000 calories - probably a lot more - with no exercise. I saw the weight creeping up each day, yet I continued to eat. Call it depression, or binging, or whatever... when it was really a lack of caring and a lack of motivation.
I can sit here and spill how things are going to be different... but I've already done that. Over and over and over. My actions will be the only truth to those statements. I do intend on following those actions.
I knew what the scale was going to say this morning... it's my own fault.
I read a post this morning from Draz - and she made me realize something....well, she added fuel to the blog fire I had already planned on writing about..... She gets a "Yeah, what she said" with her blog post this morning... so go read it HERE.
I've spent so much time worrying about what everyone else will think of me - and that I'm disappointing those around me. When I write my blogs each day, I cringe at what I'm writing about. All I can think about is how my readers will judge me. Will they think I'm a failure? Will they get tired of hearing the same ol' excuses? Will they disappear, writing me off as a lost cause?
It's those feelings that prompt my "I will do better" attitude in each post... but what happens? The next week, I'm sharing the same open promises - while the number continues to rise on the scale.
Last night, I watched Extreme Make-Over: Weight Loss Edition. It was that show that gave me some realizations on my situation.
Now, when I first started watching the show, I scoffed at the unrealistic nature that was being portrayed on the show. I judged the fact that - just like the Biggest Loser - anyone can lose weight when it's all expenses paid, personal super trainers, and hours upon hours to work out each day.
Last week, the show aired it's first failure. A person so consumed with their food addiction - that regardless of the tools that were provided... he still wasn't able to do anything about his weight.
Last night, the show focused on a woman with two kids, a husband that had had a stroke that she took care of, and a full time job to boot. The first three months of her transformation she was given a live-in trainer and full home gym. She managed to lose 106lbs in those three months and was then rewarded with a nanny to help with the kids/husband/house for the next three months. Her goal was to lose 60lbs for that portion of time... which she did. The third three months she was on her own. No more live-in trainer, no more nanny. It was time for her to figure out how to juggle kids, a husband, her house, and her job...on top of trying to lose another 60lbs.
It was no shock to me that on her 9 month weigh-in, she'd gained 4lbs. She claimed it was just all too much - but Chris (the trainer) reminded her that it wasn't just the time constraints... she had put herself on the back burner once again...she stopped caring. By her final weigh in - she had managed to go from 456lbs down to 255lbs... in 1 year. A 201lbs weight loss.
Now, this story started to get to me.
When I was working, going to school, and raising my kids - I had such great success in managing it all. I lost the bulk of my weight during that time. Now? I'm home every day, have no qualms about time constraints, and I'm gaining weight faster than the Energizer Bunny on crack.
It made no sense to me. Why am I failing now when the opportunity is so readily available for me to really focus on the weight? Then I realized - I'm missing the elements. I'm missing the busy schedule and providing for my family. I felt like superwoman when I was able to do all those things - and now I feel like nothing more than a failure.
I can't find a job. My kids (one or two at a time) have been gone most of the summer staying with family and friends, they haven't needed me. I'm out of my comfort zone. I need to be needed. I need to be counted on. I'm neither of those things, right now.
It's weird - but my story is kind of the opposite of Extreme Weight Loss woman. She couldn't handle juggling everything... I can't handle not juggling it all. I'm weird, aren't I?
Again, I'm not going to sit here and spill my apologies or promises to get better.
I just have to learn to adapt. To look deeper at myself. I need to stop caring what others may think of me - and focus on how I feel about myself.
OK, I haven't found a job yet. That's stressing me out to no end. It's on the top of my priority list right now - and it has to be. The problem is, the job hunting is taking all priorities....and knocking everything else off of the list. It doesn't have to be that way.
It can't be that way. I know that.
My only promise that I give today is that I promise to take one day at a time. I'm going to work on trying to overcome this sense of failure...I have to start worrying about how I feel about myself, and stop worrying what everyone else may think of me.
I have the will. I have the desire. Now? It's time to focus on myself - while I have the chance.
Before I go, I just want to give the last call for the Skinny Cow Giveaway. I will be announcing the winners tomorrow morning.
Till next time. ;)
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