It's that time of the week, ya'll. Time to let everything go. The good. The bad. The ugly. In my case, sometimes the gross.
No bull. No excuses. Just getting everything out in the open.
Be forewarned - you're in for a long one today. I got lots to say...hopefully you're able to make it though the whole thing.
If you wanna join in this very
I confess this week has been MUCH better than last week, but still not super.
I confess that I haven't followed any form of eating plan, or counted my calories all week. No excuses, just haven't done it.
I confess that I haven't worn my BodyBugg all week. Mostly because I've spent a lot of time in the pool - and it's not waterproof... wait.... that sounds very much like an excuse. Moving on.
I confess that I didn't work out on Friday, nor did I make the work-out up over the weekend.
I confess that on Friday, instead of working out, I completely decluttered and deep cleaned my kitchen/dining room...which had grown into a make shift storage room. I hauled boxes, furniture, and other heavy objects... leaving me all sweaty by the time both rooms were sparkly clean.
I confess that even though I didn't make up the EA Active Trainer work-out over the weekend, I spent about 6 hours in the pool swimming and playing with my kids.... it was quite the work-out. Did I mention it was also 100 degrees outside at the time?
I confess that I didn't do the EA Active Trainer work-out yesterday, either.
I confess that instead of working out yesterday, I went out to eat lunch with a friend AND happy to report that I ate well. I opted for the salad bar and chicken sliders. Not the best selection - but definitely not the worst!
I confess that, apart from eating too much garlic bread with dinner Sunday night, I have eaten pretty well all week. I haven't eaten any fast food, and most of my meals have consisted of sandwiches or our favorite go-to healthy recipes.
I confess that eating well is probably associated with the fact that it's been over 100 degrees almost every day....and I've been too damn hot to eat much.
I confess that due to the disgusting heat my area is dealing with, I've been chugging water down like it's going out of style. Seriously. I think I've guzzled down over a gallon of water almost every day.
I confess that due to the disgusting heat, I've also had too many bowls of ice-cream. Make that an ice-cream treat or bowl of ice-cream each night after dinner. Not a ridiculous amount - but I'm pretty sure I shouldn't eat ice-cream EVERY day.
I confess that even though certain "medical issues" mentioned last week have some-what resolved themselves, I'm still upset with the number the scale is giving me. I should have lost about 20lbs this week... not even close. I'm sure the ice-cream has NOTHING to do with this, right?
I confess that when the doctor saw my weight yesterday and made the claim "you are considered morbidly obese, and the birth control pill won't be the best option of birth control for you, because it's really recommended for women less than 200lbs" I wanted to poke both of her eyes out with a Q-Tip.
I confess that after the doctor made that claim and then said "wow, I see that the last time you were in here you weighed close to 300lbs - you've really come along way and if you keep this up, you'll be in a healthy weight range in no time" I felt bad about the Q-Tip eye poking.
I confess that I was happy when she told me that a "healthy" weight for my height and bone density would be between 150-160lbs...even more so when she said that my goal weight of 145lbs was over-reaching, and I should just try to focus on 155lbs. That's 10lbs less that I have to lose...who wouldn't be happy about that? It still means I have over 60lbs to lose... but it's better than having over 70lbs to lose. Positivity, people!!
I confess that the eye poking statement was back on when she ended my appointment with "I want to wait another 6 weeks before giving you an implant [different from the one that fell out], to see if you're able to lose a little more weight"... Urm, I weighed about 280lbs when I got the last one put in by a different doctor...why the heck should it matter now that I'm 60lbs less than that now? Also, I'm only 7lbs lighter than what I weighed back in January of this year - why on earth she thinks there's going to be any major change between now and 6 weeks is beyond me.
I confess that I'm going to really try hard to lose as much weight as possible in the next 6 weeks - cause I really want a form of birth control that lasts 10 years!! It's supposed to be better than the implant I had before, it doesn't have any hormones, and I won't have to worry about birth control again until I'm almost 40!!
I confess that I'm struggling. Still. Every day is a struggle, and some days are worse than others. It's hard to want something so bad - like losing the weight I've gained over the past couple of weeks - but then confessing how little effort I've put into actually doing it.
I confess that I've been consumed with spending time with the kids, trying to find a job, enjoying my time off....and not really making exercise a priority. Eating healthy hasn't really been a top priority, either, but I've been better about the eating than the exercise...even if it hasn't been perfect.
The sad truth of the matter is that I confess I'm not really that disappointed in myself. I'm a little disappointed in myself, but when I really start to think about the last time I had the opportunity to spend this much time with my kids in the past four years - the joy of the situation takes over the disappointment of my failures.
At the end of the day, I confess that I've spent the past four years telling my kids "Momma's busy right now" or "I've got to do some homework tonight" or "Would it be OK to do that another time? I really have to get this project finished". The little time I did get to myself, I was consumed with working out. "Sorry honey, I have boot camp tonight" or "I really need to go for a run tonight, I haven't been able to do that all week". My kids have taken a back seat to my life for too long... is it that terrible that I'm not trying to give them as much of me as possible while I have this rare opportunity? I don't think so.
I confess that I haven't given up. I've said it before, and I'll keep saying it. My weight loss is always on my mind. Finding activities that we can do as a family is often something I think about.... be it swimming or EA Active Trainer...but sometimes, just sitting down and watching a movie together is more enjoyable for them.
I confess that I want to focus more on losing weight, again, and I spend too much time with the "I'm going to..." or "My plans are to..." when, in reality, I know that if my kids want to go swimming - we're going swimming. If they want to watch a movie with me - I'm watching the movie.
I confess that I hope you all don't give up on me. Don't look at me as someone that has given up or doesn't care... even though it's often what I portray. Look at me as a mother. A good mother. A loving mother. The mother that wants to put her children first - because the harsh reality is, I've been putting myself first for too long. It's just for a few weeks - while they are off school... but they deserve me right now.
I confess that since they were born, they've heard too many reasons as to why other things are more important than spending time with them. Working brings money in to support them. Going to school helps me get a better job, so that they can have a better life..and eventually more time with me. Exercising and eating healthy gives me the chance to live longer to be there for them. All of them very valid reasons, all of them look to the future..which is important... but what about the now?
I confess that I don't want them to look back at their childhood and declare how much I loved them by how much I did to make their future better...even if it meant not spending much time with them. I want them to be able to say that I did the best I could for them - but still made time so that they could enjoy their childhood.
I confess, again, that I'm not giving up on me. I'm not sacrificing time with them, either. I just have to figure out how to make both work - and I will.... eventually.
Till next time. ;)
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