For the past couple of days, I've sat in front of this computer at 4:45am and sat staring at the page. Completely blank. Both the page, and my head. After a while, I've let my fingers just do the talking - but it's been a lot harder coming up with stuff to write about.
I've had this happen before. There has been a day here or there where I'm out of ideas, or tired of repeating the same ol' same ol'. But I don't remember the last time it happened for more than a couple of days. It's basically happened every day this week.
Writing a daily blog for a little over two years is an amazing accomplishment. Sure, there's been some repetition and I get a little help by doing weekly features such as Truthful Tuesday and Friday's Letters - but everything that happens in between are my own thoughts and words. I've written 866 posts since starting this blog - almost 800 of them since becoming a "daily" blogger. So, for almost 800 straight days I've had something to say. And, yes, I've missed a day here or there... but not many.
So, it's a little frustrating that now, with so much going on in my life, I have trouble thinking of what I should or could write about.
I could just continue to write daily accounts of my life. Tell you a day by day replay of how each day unfolded. Which is basically what I've been doing since school started. My teaching career is a big deal to me - and it has given me a lot to talk about even if I have only been back to work for two weeks. But, then I'm left with this niggling feeling in the back of my head that I'm losing focus about what I started this blog for.
I keep reminding myself that this blog is my journal. It's supposed to be for the purpose of sharing my daily goings on... but with keeping the main perspective of my weight loss journey somehow. I expect there to be days where I don't write about losing weight, or not losing weight... but when I start to completely forget that weight loss is any form of theme around here - I start to worry. I start to feel guilty. I start to tell myself that it's obvious I've completely given up on ever losing weight.
And honestly? I have seriously considered transforming the blog to just be a daily diary....all about the fascinating and exciting stuff I'm doing each day. But what happens to my dream of losing weight if I do that? I'll tell you exactly what happens - the dream will never become a reality.
I've made many references to my blog being a sort of best friend to me. I can say almost anything I like to my blog, and I don't feel judgement or embarrassment... or that I'm letting my blog down. Having amazing followers puts a voice back from my blog. I get to hear encouragement, advice, and sometimes blatant cold, hard truths. I make a point of deleting comments from people who are anything but courteous - regardless of whether they agree with me or not. I let everyone have their opinion, they just need to be nice about it...and do it in away that isn't hateful. Just like a true friend would be.
But, at the end of the day, I realize that I've received most of my followers because they held the belief that this was a weight loss blog...and that I'd be talking about weight loss at least occasionally.
And recently, I've added a few more followers. I've noticed that they are teachers - or from the education field. I'm very excited and happy about that - but I can't help feel that I'm letting my other followers down by reverting myself to a teaching blogger.
So, I have a lot to think about. I have some serious decisions to make. I started a class website/blog with the hopes that I'd be able to move my attention to teaching more to that place... but really that blog will be for the purpose of sharing what I'm doing in my classroom, not how I feel about teaching. Which means I still want to talk about feelings and thoughts and "behind the scenes" stuff here. Weight loss has been curbed - almost permanently, here lately. I can't help but picture a homeless person sitting on the side of the road - which is my interpretation of my weight loss content - with a sign that says "Weight Loss Blogger Wanted".
Have I given up with ever believing that I will lose the weight? Has my new career pushed any excitement or ambition I had about reaching weight loss goals to the wayside? Should I just face the truth that weight loss talk ran it's course, and it's time to move this blog in a new direction?
The answer to those questions are definitely not as easy as you would think...despite what recent events have pointed to.
I truly don't want to give up the hope that I will lose this weight. I just can't let myself believe that I've given up, and I've found more important things to focus on. I need to reevaluate, think hard about my future, and decide my next steps.
I either want it bad enough, or I don't. But I really need to make a decision. And soon.
Till next time. ;)
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