The past twenty four hours have been tough. Taking Hubby for his dental surgery, and then seeing him in pain, dazed, and totally out of it was hard. Trying to do what I could to make him feel better, but not having any luck because he's so dang stubborn - and refuses to listen to anyone.
I woke up every hour or so last night needing to check on him to make sure he was OK. I slept on the couch as to give him plenty of room in the bed. I worried...oh goodness I worried. A routine surgery - nothing life threatening - but I found myself walking up to him in bed every so often to just listen for the sound of his breathing.
It amazes me at the weirdest things that remind me how much I care for that man. I felt so helpless watching him - wanting more than anything to take the pain away, to do something to make it easier to swallow his medication. What he brushed off as no big deal left me wanting to break down in tears. It was a big deal to me.
During my very restless night, I had some time to reflect on myself and what I was going through. Wait. Scratch that. Reflect on why it mattered so much to me about how much he was going through. There was nothing wrong with me... I was perfectly fine. I reflected on how much it means to me to try and help him. Why I get so frustrated when he's not listening to me or not doing what the doctors told him to do. It's because I care and love him so much.
The past few weeks have been rough on me, emotionally. I've questioned my feelings. I've actually had the thoughts of what life would be like without him with me. I've toyed with the thoughts of if I'd be able to walk away from him if our paths, desires for life were so different that it left me no choice but to decide between my path or him.
And then, something as minor as some dental surgery makes everything clear out..defog. How on earth could I ever picture my life without him?
I couldn't. Simple.
There's no doubt in my mind that Hubby and I are probably the most mismatched couple I could think of. We like totally opposite things. I'm outgoing, he's not. I enjoy the company of friends and family, he's a total homebody that's perfectly content without coming in to contact with any other humans. My comfort and desires are very important to me, and I work hard to provide a good life for my family. He's happy with a simple roof over our head, food in our bellies, and doesn't give a flying flip about having nice things. We are complete opposites. Yet, we are so in sync with each other. He is the Ying to my Yang.
It's obvious that wanting out of this house is important to me. So much so that I actually considered leaving him behind with the house. If he wasn't willing to part with the house, then I had to be willing to part with him. Those were my actual thoughts from less than a week ago. I was ready. Talking myself up. Preparing for it. It was either my way or the highway.
Truth be told, I'm still dead set on getting out of this house. I'm unhappy here. I don't consider this house a home - just a place for me to eat and sleep. I'm perfectly content being out of the house as much as possible be it at work, or my parents' house, or some other place...as long as I don't have to be here.
But, the past 24 hours have shown me that there's no way I could ever up and leave Hubby behind. I love him too much.
Thinking back on all of the sacrifices and acts that he's done for me. Supporting our family so that I could pursue my dreams of becoming a teacher. Working extra jobs just to make ends meet while I couldn't work. Standing by my side and giving me comfort when I thought that I wasn't going to find a teaching job. Raising two children that are not his own. And just listening. Being someone that I can talk to about anything - never hiding anything or holding anything back.
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Hubby would go to the moon and back for me if I asked. He has shown me more love in our eight years together than any man could show me in a lifetime.
I just couldn't imagine life without him.
I understand his reservations about wanting to find a new house. To put trust in the fact that we don't have to rush out and buy something, and that something will work out with what we have. While I'm not ready to trust that, I'm not ready to give up on him either.
I'm in such a torn place right now. I am unhappy about our living situation. Unhappy is a minor word, I'm down right depressed. I know I can't stay in this house much longer. I won't give up looking for a new house. But, I also know, that I'd live unhappy for the rest of my life before I could give him up. Because no matter how depressed I am with my current living situation - he and the kids keep me going. They put a smile on my face. They keep me strong.
One day, I know that everything will work itself out. We will get out of this house...either by finding something else or it just falling in on top of us. I will keep looking and hoping that he'll come around. But, there will not be any thoughts of my doing it alone...without him.
I just couldn't do it without him.
I know that, now.