Today Is The Day!!

At 5:44 this morning, I was yanked out of my slumber by a loud crash of thunder. Storms don't bother me one bit - but this one did. All of a sudden I went in to panic mode and thought "NOOOO!! Please don't let the power go out!"

You see, today is the day. The day. My parents come home, and I get to go home. But, I have stuff to do this morning...that requires power...and without it, I am capital S-C-R-E-W-E-D.

You see, being the total procrastinator loving daughter that I am, I held off on doing some stuff until this morning. I want to clean all of the bedding and wash all of the towels. That stuff requires a washer and dryer that work.

Luckily, once I got up and made a pot of coffee - the worst of the storm had passed, and the power was still on.

There was no going back to bed, however, because I was lured to the peace and quiet...and took my cup of coffee and iPad to the front porch to sit and listen to the rain.

And, this is where I've been for the past 2 hours. Just enjoying the coolness, the calmness, and the quiet. Oh, and the coffee.

If I'm being totally honest, I will admit that I will miss this part a little. Sitting on the porch, kids still sleeping, being able to write my blog with a clear mind. Of course, this part of the day doesn't usually last long... but I'll miss it all the same.

I do have a deck at my house. One that I could do the exact same thing on each and every day...maybe something I'll consider.

I also got some good news this morning. A few days ago, I pulled my credit report and noticed that there were some things on there I wasn't responsible for. It was back from 2006 when I was in a car wreck, and the other insurance company was supposed to pay for my medical bills. I guess they didn't. So, I disputed them. It's only been 3 days since I did it, and I got the notice this morning that my investigation had already been completed. And? All of the medical bills are gone! $1000 of bad credit gone from my credit file in 3 days. That's AWESOME!! Especially with the subject of house buying in the midst.

So, I'm hoping that was a sign that today is going to be a good day.

It's stupid, but I'm nervous about my parents coming home today. I thought I'd be a lot more excited... but I think it's more nerves than excitement. The strong desire to always wanting to please my parents is niggling at me now. Will they be OK with some of the minor problems that have come up while they've been away? Is there house clean enough? Have I done everything that I'm supposed to?

Despite the fact that Therapy Dude gave me a stern talking to about my obsessive desire to please my parents, and forgetting what I've done and sacrificed on their behalf so that they could have this vacation, I can't help buy worry a lot little.

I can't help it. It's something that's been engrained in to me, I guess. I'm the oldest child, so I feel that it's my responsibility to do whatever my parents ask. No isn't a word I use with them. And then, even when I do what they ask - I never think I've done it well enough. It's stupid. My parents haven't really given me reason to feel this way - but I feel it, anyway.

I'm 30 years old, and still worry about getting in to trouble with my parents. Silly and pathetic - but, maybe this time tomorrow I won't be worried anymore.

Regardless how I'm feeling, today is the day they come home...the day I've been waiting 4 very long weeks for. How can I not be happy about that? I never thought I'd admit to missing my house so much - the house I really don't like and want to move out of. But, I realize that it's not the house I miss - it's my home. Being in my house. Being with my family, my Hubby. Not having to worry about a check-list of responsibilities. That's what I've really missed.

And I have something to look forward to tomorrow. An afternoon/evening kid free. I'm going out, I'm going to have some fun, I'm going relax and soak in the few hours of freedom.

And it will be one of several I plan on having over the course of next 6 weeks before I go back to work. I've earned it - despite all my nerves and feelings. At the end of the day, I've spent the last 4 weeks with very minimal adult interaction. I need a break. I deserve a break.

Just a few more hours.

Till next time. ;)

Gonna Try Ten Things Thursday...

So, you all know how much I like doing Draz's Bring Your Own Crazy, right? I do it pretty much every week. Not always on Fridays - when Draz does it - but eventually, I get around to it.

For the past few weeks, I've been reading another fun blog post thing she's been doing called Ten Things Thursday.

It's simple. I just come up with 10 random things to talk about. I'm pretty sure mine won't be near as good as Draz's.. but I decided to give it a shot.

1. How does holding on to a long, metal object for a couple of hours cause SOOO much pain to my arms? I mean, seriously. I held up a weed-eater for two hours, and it feels like I've been hurling 85lb weights around. I didn't feel this much pain when I did boot camp - and that was major exercise stuff. I leisurely walk around a yard for a couple of hours swinging around a metal stick that has the power to whack down weeds...and I am in more pain than I've ever been doing any form of exercise. Ridic!

2. I'm getting a little nervous about teaching the nutrition class I'm teaching for 4 days next week. I decided to teach the kiddos about the importance of staying hydrated - and that meaning drinking water, not soda. Each class is 90 minutes long. That's a long time to go on and on about drinking water. Plus, let's not forget that I'll be the biggest hypocrite in the world by preaching to these kids about drinking water - when I've been slacking off drinking any water.

3. I miss my mommy! There, I said it. And you can go ahead and read that in a whiney, three year old voice - cause that's exactly how it was intended to be taken. This past month has really made me realize how much I rely on my mom to be my ear when I need someone to talk to. OK, everything I've had to whine about the past month has been because I'm staying at her house... but not being able to pick up the phone and call her when I need her is hard. I know that when she walks through the gate at the airport tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to cry. Like a big, baby. Let's not forget my dad...I've missed him, too. He's just not much of a phone talker.

4. I want to know how it's possible for a 10 year old boy to destroy 10 pairs of shoes in a year. No lie. In the last three months he's pulled the soles off of 2 pairs of tennis shoes. Not cheap tennis shoes, either. Every single pair is the same - within a few weeks the soles are ripped off. I know it's because he takes them off without untying them. I'm so tired of buying shoes - and I just don't know how to break him of it short of making him walk around bare foot.

5. I made the best spaghetti last night for dinner. OK, so it was sauce that you buy in a jar - but it was the best I've tried. It was Bertolli - and it was made with white wine. I cooked it up with ground beef, onions, and mushrooms. I then made garlic bread. So delicious. Yeah, I know it was probably full of calories - but I didn't go crazy. While I'm still not a fan of cooking - I was proud of that creation.

6. I'm curious to see how my Mommy Homemaker attitude lasts once I go home. Once I'm not cooking anymore, or I'm actually able to use a dishwasher... will I still do any of that stuff? Will I still wash dishes just because they are in the sink and need to be cleaned? Will I go to so much trouble to keep the house picked up? My bets are on a big, fat no - but you never know. Maybe I've reawakened a part of me that want's to be a good mommy that takes care of the house. Don't laugh too much as you read that last statement, m'kay?

7. DirecTV is by far the best satellite company. And I'm so glad we have DirecTV at my house - and no, I have not been paid to say that...although, I'm open for offers DirecTV! My parents have Dish Network, and I freaking hate it. The DVR won't let you watch anything else while something is recording. Also, if I'm watching something on the DVR and then go back to the channel the TV was on - it won't let me rewind the TV. My DirecTV does. We can record two things in the living room and two things in the bedroom at the same time. I can watch a show from my DVR, then go back to live TV and rewind it. It's so much better. I can't wait to get back to my TV.

8. I am definitely no farm girl. I'm a city girl at heart, despite living in BFE. But, I have to admit, that I've kinda enjoyed taking care of my brother's mini-farm. I go out and feed chickens and goats and ducks...and it's fun. A little fun. Not enough to make me start buying farm animals - but enough to make me appreciate the hard work he puts in to keeping up with it all. I'm gonna miss them smelly animals - a little - once I'm gone.

9. It is not healthy for a 30 year old woman to spend so long without adult interaction. Physical or verbal. Four weeks feels like four years. I feel like I'm on a reality show that tests the limits of a person's mental stability by sticking them out in the middle of nowhere with 6, then 5, then 4 kids...with no other adults. I will come out victorious - but holy mother effers, it's hard work. I know that Peanut has had enough of being my conversation buddy - cause I just got no one else to talk to. *Sniff*

10. I've realized that coming up with 10 random things to talk about is hard. I feel like it's stepping on the line of True Confessions Tuesday. I know, not to sound like a broken record, that my current living situation is what is causing my mental block of pulling stuff out of a hat to talk about. Maybe in a couple of weeks - when I've had my life back for a little while - a post like this won't be so hard. I'm sure it will be a lot of classroom prep talk, summer swimming, and how f'in awesome it is to be back in my own bed... but that stuff is interesting, right?

This is the part where I say if you want to try Ten Things Thursday, that you should go back to your blog and do that. I would advise reading Draz's version - it's so much better. But, this was fun.

Till next time. ;)

I Can Eat For Two Hours AND Lose Weight? WHAAAATTT??

Oh yes. Believe it. I have found a way to eat for two hours...with just a little break in the middle...and burn a ton of calories.

In fact, the more I ate...the more I sweated...the more I could feel my body aching... the more I could feel the weight melting away.

OK, so I guess I have to fess up about what it was that I was eating.

Wanna know?

Weeds.

No. I was not eating the weeds, as in putting them in my mouth and swallowing. Don't go rushing outside and grabbing handfuls of plants and start shoveling them in your mouth. You'll end up with a nasty taste in your mouth for nothing.

I was Weed-Eating. As in, with a weed-eater.

This is very sad for me to admit, but I have NEVER used a weed eater before today. Not once. I had no idea how heavy they were, how hard it was to maneuver one, and how great it felt to drip with sweat just by chopping down ugly weeds.

I had no idea that weed-eating would be so good for stress. As I whacked at the weeds, I could feel the stress melt away as the sweat dripped off of me. I actually really enjoyed it.

I'm loving discovering new exercise that takes me out of my comfort zone.

After I used the weed-eater for two hours, I went and push mowed for an hour. Another sad truth, but I've never used one of those before, either. I know, I must be a spoiled princess... but had I known how enjoyable it all was? I would have been doing it for years.

I'm sure Hubby is going to be thrilled to hear how much I want to get out and do some yard work when I get home.

So, changing the subject a little - it's Wednesday, which means it's weigh in day. Unfortunately, there was no change on the scale this morning.

I would rather have no change than a gain. I would have liked to see a little bit of a loss - but I am still working out a lot of kinks with my eating. I think if I stay on track this week, the scale should drop a little by next week.

My body is aching - and I love it. My arms ache, my legs ache.

There's just two more days until my parents come home. I just want everything to go smoothly between now and then. I want their house to be clean and perfect for them. That means plenty of exercise for me. I just know that I'm going to cry like a baby when I see my parents walk through the gate at the airport. I'm going to cry because I'm happy to see them, but also because it means I can finally go home.

OK, that's it for me today. My fingers even hurt...so I'm done with typing.

Till next time. ;)

True Confessions From Home

This time next week, I'll be sitting in the exact same spot - but won't have to worry about going back to my parent's house.  My time of taking care of extra kids will be over, and I'll be enjoying the beginning of my summer vacation.

Right now, I'm temporarily enjoying time at home.  Just a trip for the day so that I could take care of a few things...and bring Katniss home, finally.  And I figured that while I'm here, I could enjoy writing my blog post on my laptop.  The way it should be done.

It's Tuesday, so it's time for some confessions...

I confess that I was really excited about my parents coming home on Friday - until we had an emergency with one of the laptops this morning...and I am not looking forward to telling my mom about.  Not one bit.  The screen is completely screwed - and we have no idea why.  It looks as though it's been dropped, but I know that hasn't happened.  It's got a nasty black spot on it, and the screen just shows up white.  I'm hoping with all my might that my parents bought the extra warranty.  I do not want to be held liable for replacing a laptop - especially since I have no idea how it got broke in the first place.

I confess that sitting in my office is making me itch to start sorting stuff for my classroom.  Boxing up all the books and supplies that I've been hoarding collecting over the past few years is going to feel amazing.  Not only will it get my new classroom off to a great start, but it will clear out TONS of room in our already cramped office.

I confess that I haven't been out walking every day.  In fact I didn't go out Sunday or yesterday.  Sunday I have no excuse for.  Yesterday I was cleaning.  Still not a good excuse. I'm not counting Saturday - because I got plenty of exercise while in the pool.

I confess that house hunting - or at least the house hunting process - has become my new hobby.  Looking into what I need to do, credit stuff, and areas that I would consider moving is all I've been doing.  Hubby is less than thrilled...more like down-right against it.  Although, I really don't think he knows how time consuming house buying can be.  He may want to wait a while - but the whole process could take months.  How much more time do we need to wait? 

I confess that I can't wait to get my booty back in to a swimming pool.  I had so much fun on Saturday.  I got in some great exercise while enjoying myself the whole time.  Just a few more days. Sigh.

I confess that I bought some new tank tops last week, and I actually like the way I look in them.  I'm not a big fan of tight clothing, nowadays, but these aren't that bad.  I bought bright colors - which I was a little nervous about - but they make me feel pretty cheerful.  I also bought a new dress - but I haven't tried that on yet.

I confess that I'm just so ready to get back my normal life.  Sleeping in my own bed, sitting at my own computer, going back to Hubby being the one that cooks.  This summer has blown big horse manure chunks so far - and I'm just ready to enjoy the time I have off. 

I confess that I'm also ready to get back to being able to go to the gym.  The amount of times I've been sitting at my parent's house and wishing I could just jump in the car and go to the gym to pound out some frustration.  Plus, I could take advantage of the free personal training that my gym offers.  Before, the PT hours were never available when I could be there.  Now, I have all the time in the world...well, for the next 6 weeks or so.  That's plenty of time to get some decent training in - and come up with some solid plans. 

I confess that this past three and a half weeks have definitely shone some light on how I need to stop agreeing to do stuff that I don't want to do.  I never really wanted to live at my parents for four weeks and take care of the extra kids.  I did it because I thought it was my duty of being a good daughter.  While I truly believe that my parents needed this vacation - I didn't need the added stress that came with it.  I'm going to have to start putting my big girl pants on in the future and know that it's OK to say no.

Alright...time to go.

Till next time. ;)

Swimming.... Is There a More Fun Exercise?

I'm going to start off by being a Debbie Downer...

I freaking hate Summer. Hate it. I hate the hot weather, the humidity. I can't step outside without feeling like I'm suffocating, and I sweat by doing absolutely nothing at all. If it were 80 degrees with zero humidity every single day of the summer - I'd be one very happy person.

But summer in NW Arkansas doesn't work that way. It's 80 degrees at 7am. And there's like 75% humidity - which brings the feeling of the temp up to around 90. By mid-day, when the temperature is hovering around 95 and the humidity is up to 90%? Ugh, just unbearable.

Although, if I do have to put up with the miserable summer - then there's one thing that can make my ill feelings simmer a little. And that would be swimming.

It wasn't until I got in the pool for the first time this summer on Saturday that made me realize how fun and exhausting swimming can really be.

Now, I'll be honest, when I went to my friend's house on Saturday to go swimming - exercise wasn't something I was really thinking about. All I had on my mind was getting in that cold, crisp water and relaxing. I wanted to spend some time with my kiddos and enjoy the day. But, when you're in this type of environment, who really thinks about exercising?

While I was in the pool, I hauled my 45lbs daughter up over my head 50 times and threw her in to the water. I played tag - running, or trying to run, through the water. I swam around with the same 45lbs daughter on my back. I played water baseball and ran around imaginary bases. The only thing I didn't do? Relax. There was no laying on a floaty sipping a cool beverage and letting the rays give me a tan. Oh no, I did more exercise in that pool in the 2 hours I was in there than I've probably done in the last 2 months.

And something else that makes pool exercising even more amazing? No sweat! Or at least sweat that bothers the crud out of me.

Now why can't all exercise be as fun as swimming? I mean, really. You've heard how much I've complained about all kinds of exercise. But, what possibly could there be to complain about exercising in a pool? I can't think of a single thing.

So, while I'm at my parents - I have to settle for walking up and down the driveway. Not the worst way to exercise. Walking does help me destress. But, after my parents come home - I'm going to make it a priority to get to the pool at least three times a week. More could very much be arranged - and taken very nicely in to my schedule.

I have absolutely no idea how many calories I burn while doing any of the above mentioned activities... but it's got to count for something, right? I had weight work, cardio, strength training. All wrapped in to a cool, refreshing, enjoyable package.

Yes, I definitely believe I've found something that can both satisfy my need to get in exercise AND give me a way to really enjoy my summer.

Until I have the luxury of making swimming a part of my regular routine, I will spending the rest of this week walking, weed-eating, mowing, and cleaning house. Plenty of exercise opportunities.

Till next time. ;)

Embracing the Flaws

A few days ago, I rediscovered the motivation I needed to start making the right steps to losing weight....again. I did it after looking through photos of myself from last year. Comparing myself now to the pictures from back then was a huge motivator.

I know that I've put myself down a lot over the course of the past few months. I've either bashed my physical appearance or my mental state. And yesterday, I read a comment from one of the people I look up to the most - in terms of weight loss - and how my bashing myself made her sad.

I've been told, I've read, and I've received correspondence almost on a daily basis about how detrimental verbally abusing myself can be. If I tell myself nasty things about myself, I'll start believing them. And then I'll end up casing myself in a nasty little bubble of sadness and depression.

But, honestly, the more I bash myself the more motivated I feel about making the changes. If I just keep telling myself that I will love me no matter what, I don't have as much urgency to make the necessary changes I need to make.

In a sense, I embrace the things I don't like about myself. I am in a love/hate relationship with the negativity. It helps.

When I stand in front of the mirror and cringe at the fat rolls and how I look in an outfit, my mind starts yelling "GO OUT FOR A WALK! GO EAT SOMETHING HEALTHY! STOP EATING JUNK FOOD!" On the flip side, if I stand in front of the mirror and declare how much I love myself regardless of how I look I'm perfectly happy about sitting on the couch all day and not worrying about anything.

One thing I have realized is that when I bash myself, it's not a sign that I hate myself. Just because I don't like how I look doesn't mean I don't like the person that I am. I love the person that I am. I am friendly and loving and outgoing and very dedicated to being a great mom. I also love dreaming and following dreams. My physical appearance, or the way I feel about my physical appearance, doesn't change that. My perceptions of my appearance doesn't change who I am as a person.

Despite everything I've ever been told or heard about the damaging affects of self verbal abuse, it works for me. I know I'll receive some flack for saying that... but it's true. Putting myself down occasionally is like scolding myself for letting myself fall off the wagon and lose all the hard work I put in to losing the weight the first time. It sounds crazy and ridiculous but that type of negativity brings out the positivity in me.

I totally understand everyone's concern - and it really warms my heart that people care enough to let me know how hurt they are when they hear me bashing myself. But, I wanted to get it out there that no one has to feel sad for me. I do it because it works. I do it because it's how I feel. And I do it because I know that the only way to change it is by getting off my behind and doing the work.

It's how I did it the first time around. When I lost 80+ pounds, it was because every day I bashed how I felt and looked. Once I started loving the way I was looking - look what happened. I know I have issues, and I have to find a better way to motivate myself... but until that happens, this is what I've got.

I don't like being fat. I want to be thinner, fitter, and healthier. And I'll do whatever it takes to get there. But, the point to this post is to let everyone know that I'm good. I love myself. I love the person that I am on the inside, just not too happy about what I look at on the outside. I plan on making changes to the outside. Eventually.

Till next time. ;)

Time For Dreams To Come True

Today isn't about weight loss. It isn't about exercising or eating right or drinking water. Not directly, anyhow. It's about fulfilling dreams, believing that all of my dreams could really come true.

I'm not talking about the dreams I have when I'm sleeping.

I'm pretty sure Christian Gray isn't going to drive up to my house in his $75,000 car, sweep me off my feet, and drive me off in to the sunset.

I'm pretty sure that Emmett Cullen isn't going to come knocking at my window in the middle of the night and take me through the woods riding on his back. Cullen Lutz for that matter, either.

I'm also very sure that I'm not going to rub a lamp and a magic genie pop out of it granting me three wishes.

Just not going to happen.

And, yes, I have dreams about make believe characters in books and movies. I can't control what happens in my head when I'm sleeping. I'm sure Hubby has dreams about other women - and if he says he doesn't, I'd call BS!

But I have other dreams. More realistic dreams.

When I walked across the stage at my graduation ceremony last May, I had the dream that I would find a teaching job and finally complete the career goal I've had since I was five years old. OK, it took a little longer than I expected... but one year later and I can put a big CHECK by that dream.

Another dream I've had for a very long time would be the dream of living in my dream home - or at least a home I owned and was able to decorate and do whatever the heck I wanted to do to it. It would be a home that provided all my children their own rooms, has a nice back yard, enough space to entertain friends.....can you tell how much I've been watching HGTV? Holy cat balls.

Anywho - even before I got hooked on HGTV, the dream has always been there.

Ten years ago, I had the WORST credit. I was young and stupid - and I still had the illusion that credit was basically free money. I didn't worry about how I would pay for things - if I could charge it, it could be mine. And it wasn't long before bill collectors were calling and I was facing the reality that I had a lot of stuff to pay for that I just couldn't afford.

Since then, I have been a lot more conscious of what credit is - and how it should be used. When I received credit card offers in the mail, I would rip them up before even opening them. Credit cards were the devil - full of temptation - and I wasn't about to get swept in. Then, I realized that a credit card could possibly help fix my credit...as long as I was wise with using it. So, I applied for a credit card with a credit line of $250...and almost collapsed with shock when I was accepted. And it wasn't one of those cards where I had to pay a huge fee to get it...no fees, no hidden charges... just a small line of credit to help me repair some serious damage. After a few months, the credit line was upped to $500... but I didn't let that reel me in. I have been very careful with my credit card, and pay the balance outright each and every month.

So, I have been bugging the crap out of Hubby to start thinking about buying a house. He isn't for it at all. He thinks the house we live in is sufficient for now - and buying a house isn't something we could handle right now. It frustrates me beyond frustration.

I'm 30 years old. My oldest child is 12. I only have 6 more years until she's going to graduate from high school and probably move off to college. It's my dream that I find a house that all of my kids can enjoy while they are still young enough to enjoy them.

Yesterday, I decided I was going to make a few phone calls and find out exactly how far off my dream of home ownership really is. I spoke to a realtor and a loan manager. I asked questions, they answered. The loan manager was very nice, and I didn't feel pressured at all. She offered to run my credit just as a preliminary, and see exactly what she could do for me - if I decided to move forward.

You know what I found out? I'm only 4 credit points away from being able to get a zero down loan. With my income, and my income only, I could secure a line of credit of up to $120,000 and pay about the same price as what Hubby and I are paying right now to live in our house. And that may not sound a lot to some - but in my area, I could find a very nice home for that price.

All this time, I've been made to believe that home ownership was just out of the question - and come to find out, it's much closer a possibility than I ever imagined.

I don't plan on running out and buying a house tomorrow - but having some answers and an idea of what I can do in the near future makes me feel a lot better.

Dreams really can come true. I don't have a long list of dreams I want to fulfill - but I'm damn sure I'm not giving up on that list.

Now comes the challenge of convincing Hubby - UGH!!

Till next time. ;)