The Guilt of Feeling Ungrateful

I'm facing a little of a personal dilemma today....and it's eating away at me.

I thought that once I found a job, I'd be happy.  I am happy.  What I mean is, I thought I'd be done - done with worrying, done with looking, done with getting frustrated.  I'm not.  And now it's worse, because I still have all of those feelings - but add a side of guilt on the side, because I feel guilty about not being grateful that at least I have a job.

Anyone that knows me personally, or have spent some time reading my blog, knows that my dream is to work in a classroom....more specifically a classroom in a public school teaching a grade between kindergarten and 4th grade. 

If you know me personally, you're probably surprised to see the addition of kindergarten to my list of "dream grades".  That's because, after spending some time in a kindergarten classroom - I had fun, the kids learned a lot, and I could see myself teaching kindergarten...something I didn't know about myself until it actually happened.

So, I have a job that will be teaching pre-K.  It's a teaching job.  Yes.  It's technically in my own classroom.  Yes.  BUT it's not the same.  I don't get the excitement of setting up my own classroom, writing extensive lesson plans, introducing concepts such as readers and writers workshop, math centers, or science/social studies units. 

After getting my trunk load of goodies from my teacher friend, yesterday, it's been worse.  I sorted through some of the stuff and planned in my head how great the stuff would look in a kindergarten classroom, a 1st grade classroom, etc. etc.  Then I was struck with that feeling...again...that feeling of what if I don't ever get that classroom that I dreamed of?

So, now here I am feeling like an ungrateful you know what.  Am I wrong for still feeling upset about not having a classroom?  I don't think so - but I should just be grateful I have some form of a job and suck it up, right?

I still find myself searching the school websites EVERY single day....often several times a day.  I'm still sending emails to principles.  I'm still hoping, praying, dreaming, and wishing that one of them will send me a return email or give me a phone call and say "Can you come in for an interview?" 

I have exactly one week left until I start in my new position.  Most people would be happy about that...but me?  No, I'm looking at it as having one week left to maybe, somehow, by some miraculous force, find a job in the public schools.

I'm sick, aren't I?  Feel free to be honest - I know what you're probably thinking.

When I really think about it - it comes down to being happy.  Now I'm worried that I'll get in to this new job, and not be happy.  I'll still dream about getting a job in the schools.  My work will suffer because I'm not 110% as dedicated to being a pre-K teacher as I would be working in the schools.  I worry because it's not fair to the kids.  They deserve a teacher that wants to be there.... is excited to be there....isn't looking for the first opportunity to run out the door and to the comforts of the paradise of a school classroom....the paradise that has been in my dreams for 25 years.

When I think about myself - I know that I won't let my feelings affect the kids.  It's just not who I am.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I'll get in to that classroom and dedicate myself to helping those kids, teaching those kids, and making sure they have fun.  But I know it won't change my inner feelings.

Yesterday, I saw that yet another of my fellow interns had found a job in the schools...and a small piece of me died.  It's such a crushing experience.  It sounds terrible....it is.  I'm happy for them - all of them - that find a job.  I just feel a piece of my heart being chipped away when I hear that there's one less chance that something might happen for me.

HOLY CRAP BALLS - I sound just like I did before I got my job.  What's wrong with me?

OK - I have to stop now.  I don't want to get back into this spiral.  I have a job.  I should be happy.  I am going to be able to pay my bills, still work in a classroom, and help kids.  I have to get over this. 

Time to stop.

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Christmas in August...If Only There Was Snow

Sorry my post is so late, today.  I got an unexpected call this morning - and had to rush out the door. 

One of the teachers I worked with during my internship called, and was cleaning out her classroom.  She called to tell me she was getting rid of a TON of stuff - and wondered if I wanted it.  Urm... OF COURSE!!

So, now I have TONS of cool stuff for a classroom....but I'll probably have to store it all away until I actually get a classroom in the public schools... but that's OK.  It was like Christmas in August.

Now, I just wish I could get the cold weather to go with my summer Christmas festivities... please???

The temps are still above 100 every day.  Actually more between 105 and 110.  I'm melting.  Well, I'm not - cause if I were melting, I'd be losing weight... I'm not.  I've decided that once I start work, and get back into that groove, I'll be able to sneak off to the track after work each day and get some running in.  I'm looking forward to that.

As far as the food consumption goes - I'm eating when I'm hungry.  That's not as bad as it sounds.  The heat is making me not hungry....at least when I should be eating.  I eat first thing in the morning and late at night - cause it's the only time that I'm cool enough to feel like eating.  The first thing stuff isn't so bad... but the late night?  NOT GOOD!!  I'm also eating stuff like ice-cream... cause it's cold, I'm hot... it makes sense.

Even though I'm not losing anything - I'm maintaining.  I'm still sitting at the 223lbs I've been hovering around for the past two weeks.  At this point, maintaining is better than gaining - so I'll take it.  I've noticed some of my pants are a little tight.  That sucks big donkey balls.  I refuse to buy new pants, though.... because I worked too hard to get into a size 16 AND because I'm totally broke and can't afford new pants anyhow.

I figure I'm going to have to suck it up - literally - until I start running again.  I've found that if I make myself wear the pants that are getting a little snug, I'm less likely to stuff my face too much.  Mainly because my circulation is being cut off....and also because it makes me realize that if I keep feeding my face, the pants won't fit at all.

Well, I'm kind of rambling today....but I got a post written, even if it is just rambling.  I've now got a trunk full of classroom supplies I have to unload and somehow find a place for.  That should keep me busy for a few hours.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend!!

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

BYOC - So Ready For Some Crazy!!

I don't know why I've been so excited to do today's BYOC.  Maybe it's because it's the first week in FOREVER that I can sit back, relax, and write the first thing that pops in to my mind.

You all know the routine by now, right?  Oh - you're a newbie?  Well, WELCOME!!  You're in for a treat.  I get these questions from my awesome buddy, Drazil.  I share my answers for your reading delight.  Then, you copy the questions on your own blog - and then share with me and the rest of your readers.  Sound like fun?  It is.  It's a great way to take a break from coming up with a blog topic...and getting to know each other a little better.

Okie dokie... here goes...

1. I’m going to pick a person in your life – not knowing if you have a good or bad, existing or non-existent relationship with them – and your mission is to pick 5 words or traits or thoughts to describe them.

Your paternal grandmother.

Haven't seen in 17 years
Not sure if she's still alive
Amazing
Tenderhearted
I miss her terribly

It doesn't say to give any back story to this - but I have to.  I moved to the US when I was 12 - from London, England.  My grandmother lives in England.  I kept in contact with her as often as I could up until about 11 years ago - when she suddenly moved, and didn't pass on a way to reach her.  Since then, I haven't spoken to her...and I'm not even sure she's even alive.  It's a heartbreaking situation, really.  It's definitely my own fault.  I could have been much more proactive in hunting her down - but I was angry when I was no longer able to reach her.  Getting this question has made me realize that I need to start contacting family members. 

2. What’s your all time favorite color to paint your nails? And your toes?

Pink and Pink.  All and any shades of pink.  I range from a mild pink to a 'get out your sunglasses' hot pink. 

Every once in a while, I'll go a little crazy and paint them blue or purple or yellow... but they are mostly pink.

I have only one rule when it comes to painting my nails - my fingers HAVE to match my toes.  I just can't wear two different colors....it drives me nuts.

3. Do you get along with your parents well?

Very much so.  My mom is pretty much my best friend...we chat on the phone EVERY day like teenagers.  I'm the oldest of six children - but I'm the only child to have that kind of relationship with my mother.....both of my parents for that matter. 

Even though there's no giggling on the phone with my dad - we have a very strong relationship. 

I adore both of my parents, and love how close we are. 

4. Speaking of rainbows – rank the rainbow colors in the order you prefer.

Pink
Purple
Red
Blue
Orange
Green
Yellow

It's funny.  A little over two years ago, I would never have put pink as my number one color.  Pink was girlie - and I wasn't.  Blue was my favorite color for years - when I lived in a Tom Boy world full of sweat pants and over sized t-shirts.  Since losing some weight, I've connected to my feminine side...and now my closet is full of pink and purple and red...not so much blue.  That goes for the nail painting, also. 

Oh, and I totally ranked those colors based on clothes... how girlie.  Not much of an orange, green, or yellow wearer....but definitely love how I look/feel in pink, purple and red.

5. Repeat question. How was your week in real life and in blog land this week?

Real life has been DELIGHTFUL!!  I finally got a job!!  I start on August 15th, but had to go for a TB test on Wednesday, pee in a cup for a drug test yesterday, and going back for my TB reading today.  The job has triggered some positive changes in my eating habits - that's fo' sure!! 

Last night, I opted to cook dinner.  I went with salmon and rice...something that has NOT seen the light of day in my kitchen for many months.  I've also been either skipping breakfast every day or grabbing a handful of cookies to eat with my coffee....not today.  Nope, today I went with a Chobani yogurt and fruit and nut granola bar.  That was my breakfast of choice when I was working in the schools...appears that my job triggered a switch inside of me.

Also, I couldn't help but laugh this morning when the local news station for my area reported that the breaking news for the morning was that a woman stole 185 Sunday newspapers...cause she's addicted to extreme couponing.  Hearing news like that makes me realize how lucky I am to live in my area.  If the worst crime of the day is stealing newspapers - then life is good.

In Blogland, I've taken a complete 180.  On Monday, I introduced my new monthly mantra.. Patience. It's ironic how NOT patient I've been all summer...then I finally decide to get a little patience, and BAM I get a job.  Lesson there?  I think so.

Tuesday, I basically confessed how much I hated the world.  I was in an Aunt Flo induced (hey, that's my story...and I'm sticking to it) hormonal bitch mode...and with it came the wrath of my self pity. 

After all that self-loathing, I turned the frown upside down after announcing that I actually found a job on Wednesday.  My spirits were lifted, the pity Gods apparently got tired of my whining - and blessed me with a job. 

Yesterday - well, that was the new beginning for me.  I was back on the weight loss horse....not only that, but I dished some secrets about sleeping with celebrities.  Yeah, and I included eye candy - for your viewing pleasure...you're welcome!!! 

It's been a great week both in real life and blog land.  I feel that I'm back...once again...and ready for my new adventures - both with my job and my weight loss.

How about you??  Were you thinking of answers to these questions as you were reading??  Well, then go and blog about it....make sure you come back and share with me, though, so I can read all about it.

Have a wonderful Friday, my dear friends!!

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Time to Get Back on the Horse...And Maybe A List Can Help???

A few weeks ago, during the whiny rambly mess that was undoubtedly another blog post about not having a job, I remember making the comment that once I had a job - I could go back to focusing on my weight loss.

Well, now I have a job.

OK, I haven't started the job yet - but from the moment I said "I do".. urm, I mean "I will"... I started to think about getting back on the weight loss horse.  In honesty, I was a little overwhelmed.  I've let myself fall pretty far.  Then, I came across this nugget of pure genius written by my buddy Michelle... take a look at her blog post about using a different technique in gaging weight loss success.

I hope you read it....or this won't make any sense to you.

I will say right now...this post is going to be..urm...well, raunchy.  I'm talking about sex, people.  It's stepping out of my "family friendly" comfort zone and in to uncharted territory.  You have been warned.

Michelle says that creating "The list" can help a person gauge their weight loss success based on their comfortableness (is that a word?) on the person from the list.  I have a list...I've had one forever.  The people change occasionally.... I think I even mentioned the list a few weeks back on my blog.

So, the idea is to come up with the people to put on the list.  The list of people that, if the situation should ever arise, would give me full rights to sleep with that said person - and Hubby can't say anything about it.  It's the law or something, I'm pretty sure.

The number one rule is that only famous people can be on the list....dead or alive.  The other rules can be determined with your spouse... but what's the fun in any more rules?

Being the optimistic person I am - I don't put dead people on my list.  I just keep telling myself that as long as live people are on my list... it's possible that one of these famous Gods of Hotness would somehow run in to me, strip off their clothes, and call me to be their lover.  Hey, a girl can dream right?

I remember Patrick Swayze always being on my list....it took a while to remove him, he was number one for a long time.  RIP my Original God of Hotness.

OK, back to how it helps with losing weight....so, you make the list.  Then you decide how you would need to look/feel in order to be comfortable being with the person.  Number 5 on your list may be someone you'd totally feel comfortable being with right now... with the lights out.  Number 4 is someone you'd be comfortable with the lights on - wearing lingerie.  Number 3, you can lose the lingerie... Etc, etc.

Does that make sense?  Hopefully.... if not, here's my list and my "requirements" to help motivate me to success. 

I'd just like to add here that before I start getting any comments bashing me about how I should not be measuring my success by my comfortablity with a man...remember, this is a game of sorts.  I'm not actually preparing myself to jump in the sack with any of these men.  It just puts a different perspective on the comfortableness (again with that word) of how I feel about my body...which I feel is important with weight loss success.  OK, disclaimer over.

I'm going to start with number 5, and work my way down to my number 1 total God of Hotness...

NUMBER 5: 
Name:  Daniel Sunjata
Known for: Playing Franco on Rescue Me

There's something about a guy in uniform, I admit it.  When I'm watching Rescue Me each week, I'm imagining this hunk of hotness climbing up a ladder and rescuing me from a burning building...that probably caught fire from his hotness.

In order for me to feel comfortable with Daniel Sunjata, I'd say I'd like to hit Onederland.  I'm thinking he'd be OK with some curves (in my mind).  It'd be a night of wearing a sexy gown - that would stay on.  Lights would be OK - as long as it was dim light... maybe candles?

NUMBER 4:

Name:  Dwayne Johnson
Known for:  Duh...being The Rock!!  Oh, and looking extremely hot in tights playing the Tooth Fairy

Since seeing this sexy hunk hit the ring as a WWE wrestler, Dwayne (yeah, first name basis) has always been on my list.  He's become higher up since becoming the hilarious, ass kicking actor....and again, he wore tights!!

To release myself to Dwayne, I'd like to fit in to a size 12/14 gown and be shown a nice night out on the town.  Then it's back to his place.  Still not comfortable with lights on at this point... but he'd be able to get me down to my underwear in the dark.

NUMBER 3:
Name: Kellen Lutz
Known for:  Being the super hot vampire Emmet Cullen on Twilight

Kellen was holding on to my number 2 spot until the appearance of my new number 1.  He's hot, he's sexy, and he works a LOT with charity.  Yes, a hot guy with a sensitive side.  Just look at those beautiful blue eyes....swoon.

For me to be comfortable snuggling up to this hottie, it would take some major work on my part.  He's very athletic, and I'd want to be able to show off some athletic ability, also.  This would mean having completed a full 5K without walking (at least).  In terms of size, I'd say I'd be just as comfortable in a 12/14 as long as I had some muscle to show with my curves.  I'd also want lights on - cause I'd want to see those gorgeous eyes looking at me.

NUMBER 2:

Name:  Dax Shepard
Known for:  Movies such as Employee of the Month, and he's also on Parenthood

I have had a super crush on Dax since I first saw him punking superstars on Punk'd.   He's hot, he's funny...and he has the lips of an angel.  He was my number 1 for years...until a new sheriff moved in to town.

A night with Dax would be a very intimate occasion for me - and one that I wouldn't take too lightly.  Candle light would be a must - but so would a body I'd feel comfortable showing off in sexy lingerie.  I'm saying we're moving into size 8/10 territory with this one. 



And that brings us to the final man on my list....the king in terms of my personal Gods of Hotness...

NUMBER 1:

Name:  Eric Northman
Known for:  Being the super hot vampire sheriff on True Blood

Now, this is the one person that gets to be on my list and be dead...because...well...he's a vampire.  I want Eric Northman - not Alexander Skasgard, the guy that plays him.  There's something about his pale skin, gorgeous eyes, and the way his fangs pop out of his teeth that boils my blood and makes me lust for him.  He can totally suck my blood.

Eric Northman is the guy that I will fall in to bed with only after reaching my goal weight.  This would be a full night of lights on, total nakedness.  My body will have to be banging hot for me to be able to feel totally comfortable with the sheriff of darkness.  He's the guy I'm saving myself for...once I reach my goal weight that is.

So, there you have it my friends.  My List.  And my super crazy way of measuring my weight loss success.  Yep, I did it with using guys....guys that I lust for, but will never (probably) have the chance to do anything with. 

It beats looking at the scale, grabbing the measuring tape, and then coming up with random rewards for meeting certain goals.  Knowing that I've achieved List Status for one of my potential hook-ups is a totally awesome way to boost my motivation...however crazy, and unrealistic it is.  It just throws in a little excitement. 

What do you think?  Do you have a list?  Are there certain weight loss/body goals you'd have to consider before allowing these celebs into your bed?  You know what's coming next...right?  Yep - I want to hear about it.  Either in the comments or on your own blog...let me know your list.

Again, for anyone that may find this post to be offensive or you want to tell me how I shouldn't use a man's thoughts to measure my success...please don't.  For the past Lord knows how long, I've hidden in a dark place and been the only member of a self induced pity party.  I'm ready to break out of that shell - and today I did it in a big way.  The point of this post was to HAVE FUN.  It's just fun and games.  And it's the first weight-loss related post I've written in a long time.  Cut me some slack...m'kay?

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

The Time Has Come, To Talk of Other Things....

It's Wednesday, which would normally mean a weigh in and update for the Burst into Summer challenge.  Not today.

After a lot of thought, and the fact that I really haven't participated in the challenge at all in the past four weeks... I'm gracefully bowing out of the challenge.  I'm not usually a quitter... but this time, it just makes sense.

Besides, there are more pressing matters to get to today.... like, I don't know, maybe hearing the words I GOT A JOB!!!!

Yep... I'm serious.  I'm not playing around.  I got a job.

The funny thing is, I was actually offered two jobs yesterday.  TWO!!  I go from not having a single lead to two separate people making me a job offer.  It was a tough decision....one that I needed to think about.  There are so many things to consider when accepting a job.  I wanted to scream YES to both... but then realized, I couldn't do that.  I had to think, talk it over with Hubby, and then make a decision about which job would be the better fit for me.  I got tingles just saying "the better fit for me" because I really didn't think I'd ever get to amuse that opportunity.

So, I guess I can dish what's been going on now that things are more official. I haven't signed anything yet... but they told me I have the job....People's Court starts running through my mind right now, I should have something in writing, but then I'm going tomorrow to do the drug test and the TB test...so I'm in, right?  I know I haven't been doing any drugs and I'm pretty sure I haven't gotten TB, and that would be why I wouldn't get the job....yikes, I'm stressing about nothing.  My first day is August 15th.  That's my orientation day, the day I fill out all the paperwork. 

I know... you're screaming WELL, WHAT IS IT??  You know me better than that... you know I'm going to drag the suspense out as long as possible...just because I like to write, and today is an exciting day, and because I haven't had the opportunity to be this excited in a long time.

OK, so a couple of weeks ago, I interviewed for a position at a counseling facility.  They specialize in providing counseling and case management (behavioral) services to all ages on site and in schools.  I was interviewing for a position working in a preschool.  I would be working with kids in DHS custody, helping them with behavior management and social skills.

When I interviewed, it went really well.  So well, in fact, that the person interviewing me thought I'd be a better fit for actually teaching in the preschool rather than being a case manager.  She informed me that the preschool was going to be looking for new teachers soon, and that she wanted to speak to the director of the center about me.  A few days later, I was called back for a second interview - this time with the director of the preschool.  Let me point out, here, that the preschool and the counseling services are two seperate entities that just work with each other.  Two different companies.

That interview went just as well.  Since that time, the counseling service and the preschool have been going back and forth about offering me a job.  They both said they were interested, but were having some complications on deciding where to put me.  The preschool wanted me, but hadn't even begun looking at teachers - because they weren't actually going to start hiring until later in August.  The counseling service wanted me, but didn't want to train me for a position they thought I wouldn't last long in.  It was difficult.

Yesterday, I got an email.  The email was from the counseling service telling me that she was checking references and would speak with me later about an offer.  That was the email I spoke about yesterday.  I thought everything was pretty much in the bag.... I was going to finally have a job...and I didn't really mind at that point where it was.

Then, comes the twist.

While I'm waiting for the call back from the counseling service, I get a call from Head Start.  I interviewed with them a few weeks ago, and was sent a "thanks, but no thanks" letter.  I was very surprised when the person calling said "I'd like to know if you're still interested in a teaching position".  DOH!!  Really??

So, there I was, faced with a tough decision.  I didn't know what to do.  I explained everything to Head Start, and asked if they'd give me a little time to think about it.  They agreed....I was given 24 hours.

I immediately called the counseling service, and explained the situation.  She told me that she was on her way to meet with the director of the preschool, and would have more information for me to make my decision later in the day or first thing this morning.

I waited and waited... but no call came.  Still, I haven't heard back from the counseling service.  I had to make a decision... time was slipping away....

Hubby and I discussed the offer presented by Head Start.  The pay was better than we thought.  I'd get my summer off.  It's closer to me, logistically.  It's in the same town that Jelly goes to daycare.  On the flip side, the counseling service was about the same - money wise - but they are a year round facility.  It's a lot further away.  So....after stressing and sweating and feeling guilty because I didn't want to let anyone down....I made a decision.

I called Head Start and accepted their offer.  Beginning August 15th, I will be a Pre-K teacher at Head Start.

No, it's not the dream job I had my heart set on....but by golly it's a job.  I will have a classroom.  I will have kiddos to teach.  I have to be happy....I am happy.

I can't help but feel a little guilty for letting the counseling service down.  I mean, they were really trying to work with me - find a job that was the best fit for me.... but as Hubby has informed me a thousand times, I really have to think about what's best for me.  The guilt, in my mind, is a sign about how dedicated and loyal I am.  He's right, though, the Head Start position really works better for me...and I'm the one that I have to think about.... right?  Please tell me I'm right, cause seriously, I'm being eaten up with guilt.

So....there you go....after all this time and whining and crying and stressing and cursing and gaining weight and binge eating.... I finally have a job.  Proceed to celebrate....cause, you know, now I won't be complaining.

I'm happy.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  So, it's not my dream job - doesn't mean I won't enjoy it.  Doesn't mean that my dream job won't happen, one day.  This is a starting point, a platform...it's experience to add to my resume.  You never know, I might get in there and realize that it's really what I'm supposed to be doing.  We'll see.

You can now rest easy, my friends, the time has come to talk of other things....I can go back to being me.....happy, cheery, awkwardly funny me.

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

True Confessions Tuesday

I actually debated on whether or not I should do a confessions post today.  I mean, can you all handle hearing me spill my guts even more than I have lately?  Then I start to wonder if my confessions will even be read...it's gotten to the point where I could bet money that my "faithful followers" could tell my confessions for me - they've been repeated so much.  After some serious consideration, I decided to go ahead and do it... I really don't have anything else to write about - so onward we go....

I confess that seeing that the weather forecast ranges from 102 - 108 degrees this week makes me sick to my stomach.  I mean, come on Mother Nature!!  There's not even any relief at night, being that the temps don't leave the 80s.  At 10pm last night, it was 93 degrees.  93 DEGREES!!  My poor AC is having a really hard time keeping up with trying to keep us cool...my house is staying between 85-90 degrees... but that's too hot!!

I confess that due to the extreme heat, I've become a recluse.  I don't want to leave the house for anything.  Even going to the grocery store this weekend turned me into a head turning, flame throwing, She Demon.  Being inside is driving me crazy... but being out in the heat makes me crazier.  I guess I just have to face the fact that I'm crazy, going to be that way until the temps get to about 80 during the day. 

I confess that yesterday I did not wake up with my cheery, positive, conquer the world attitude that I had last week.  Not sure if it's the fact that nothing really happened last week, or because Aunt Flo is here... but several times yesterday I almost broke down into tears for no reason....except, of course, because I started to think about how I was going to pay my bills next month.

I confess that I am now questioning the whole "Go to school to further your education so you can make more money, live a better life, and have a better career" speech I was fed my whole life.  Really?  Let's look at the facts on that:  Before I decided to go to school, I had a great job with decent enough pay and so-so benefits.  I had opportunities for advancement.  I had a boss that I loved.  Now, I have a college degree - Associates and Bachlor, I'm unemployed, no health benefits, worrying how I'm going to pay my bills....and now facing the fact that I might have to wait tables or work in a grocery store* to make ends meet.  Makes me really start to think of the "be careful what you wish for" saying.

*I will insert here that I don't believe there is anything wrong with waiting tables or working in a grocery store.  I've been there, done that.  I don't, however, feel like it's a position a person should have to pursue once receiving a college education.  I'm just trying to point out that having my college degree really doesn't put me in a better situation than before I had it... if anything, I'm now in a much worse situation.

I confess that for the first time in four years, I have actually had feelings of regret in regards to going to school in the first place.  There, I said it.  Maybe it's just the grouchy, hormonal bitch saying that.... maybe it's the bitter, jealous, bitch saying that... or maybe it's the small, rational part of my brain saying that who now realizes that after 4 years of working my behind off, racking up over $22,000 in debt, there's not anything to show for it....except the $22,000+ of debt.

If a single person comments about how obvious it is that Aunt Flo is here.... my head will spin, my eyes will turn yellow, and yes there will be extreme obscenities thrown your way... just sayin'.

I confess that there have been several stress induced binges this past week.  Cookies have been taunting and teasing me....I'm convinced they are the Devil.  I gave in to temptation way too many times, and I'm sure that the scale will reflect that in the morning.

I confess that I just received an email that calmed the evil, sadistic witch dwelling inside of me.  I feel better already - although I'm going to try and not get my hopes up too much.  It was a sign, I tell ya!  Yeah, I'm back on that.  Just when I was bashing and pouting and acting like a spoiled 3 year old who didn't get the toy she wanted...I get an email.

I confess that I wish I could tell you all what the email was about... but from fear of it not working out, I'm going to keep it to myself...for now.  Let's hope it leads to something I can yell from the rooftops about in the next couple of days.

I confess that I almost deleted all of my confessions, except for the last two, cause now I feel bad about feeling like a spoiled, whiny brat... but I'm not going to...cause that's what confessions are all about.  One email really didn't erase all of those feelings inside of me...so the confessions stay.

I confess that I think all of this evil, self-loathing, banter stems from the fact that I haven't been without a job for this long since I went into a serious depression 9 years ago....unless you count the year long, unpaid, internship... but that was still a full time job, in my books.  That was the same depression that caused me to gain a lot of weight. 

I confess that I'm not cut out for not working.  I have to be busy.  I have to be working at something for someone.  Staying at home is nice... but in reality, I'm just not stay at home mom material.  I think that's what all my troubles really boil down to.  I really miss getting up early in the morning, getting dressed, driving to work, spending the day doing something productive (or just chatting with other adults), and then coming home to spend time with the kids.  Mother of the year right here, right?

Lastly, I confess that now that I've received that email....all the evil is disappearing from my fingertips, and I've ran out of things to confess cause I don't feel like a blubbering witch anymore.  Isn't it funny how one little thing can completely turn someone around so quickly? 

Alright... your turn...want to get some things off of your chest?  Then, have at it....go blog about it...and come back and tell me.  I've shown you mine, now show me yours!!

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

New Monthly Mantra....Patience...It's a Virtue

This month was supposed to be the month I've been waiting my whole life for.

This was supposed to be the month where my life long dream came true.

It hasn't.  But I still have 31 days left, right?

Four years, seven months, and twenty three days ago I walked in to the first day that was supposed to be the beginning of the rest of my life.  It was the first day of my college career.  Finally, after twenty years of dreaming about it, I was finally pursuing that dream to become a teacher.

The next four years were, by far, the most challenging and difficult years of my life.  I held down a job.  I studied every spare second I had.  I took care of my children.  I attended classes and worked during another pregnancy.  I had my third child, but didn't miss a beat.  I kept on, worked hard, and walked across a stage four years later with my degree. 





I know that I wouldn't have gotten through those four years without one very important aspect:  Patience. 

Every day, I wished that the four years were over...I wished that I could just get out there and spread my wings....I wished that the day came where I walked in to my own classroom and changed the lives of the children that walked through it's door.

But I had to have patience.

Now, the four years are over....and the last three months have been a blur.  They've gone by so quickly that I feel like the days are all meshed together.  Where did the time go? 

The last four years have built up to this month.  This was going to be the month where all of the hard work paid off....the sleepless nights, the studying, the projects, the reading.... it was all in preparation for what was to come this month.

Now the month is here, and it's not how I planned.

There is no job.  There is no classroom.  There are no children looking to me for guidance, to teach them, to care for them, and to show them the enjoyment of school.

So, what am I left with? 

I am left with the one thing that has gotten me to where I am today.  Helped me get through life and school and work....Patience.

Every month for the past several months, I've adopted a monthly mantra to help me focus on my weight loss.  This month is different.  My mantra this month is to help keep me grounded.  It's to stop me from going insane (even more than I already am).  It's to remind me that I can't force anything... I have no control on an outcome....that I must trust in my diligence, and finding that one person who will open up the door for me.

You know all this stuff though, right?  I've said it over and over and over and over and....well, you get it.

I saw this picture this morning and it made me laugh.  I'm that black cat, waiting, hoping, that eventually a mouse will stick it's head out....and I can grab it up. 

As I adopt this new mantra for myself, I'm also going to throw it out to you all. Please have patience with me. I know that I've turned in to this deep, dark, whiny, boring, tittie baby.... but I'm trying. I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to keep a light glowing in my darkness, and asking all of you to stick by me...have some patience.

It's Monday.  It's the beginning of a new week, and the beginning of a new month.  What's in store for me?  Only time will tell.  I can tell you, though, that this week I'm going to try and hold off on the job hunting talk...unless, of course, I actually get a job...then deal's off.

In fact, I'm actually going to try and get back to some weight loss stuff.  The weather forecast says that every day this week it's going to be at least 102 degrees.  UGH!!  I'd give anything to go for a run... but I'm not going to run when it's that hot.  I can't.  Well, I could - but I won't.  It's just too dang hot for me.  Call me weak, but I just can't hack the thickness in the air...the humidity.  It's awful - and I wish it would hurry up and go away!!

Alright, I'm tired of complaining. 

Patience..... this will be my hardest mantra, yet... I know it.

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter