I actually debated on whether or not I should do a confessions post today. I mean, can you all handle hearing me spill my guts even more than I have lately? Then I start to wonder if my confessions will even be read...it's gotten to the point where I could bet money that my "faithful followers" could tell my confessions for me - they've been repeated so much. After some serious consideration, I decided to go ahead and do it... I really don't have anything else to write about - so onward we go....
I confess that seeing that the weather forecast ranges from 102 - 108 degrees this week makes me sick to my stomach. I mean, come on Mother Nature!! There's not even any relief at night, being that the temps don't leave the 80s. At 10pm last night, it was 93 degrees. 93 DEGREES!! My poor AC is having a really hard time keeping up with trying to keep us cool...my house is staying between 85-90 degrees... but that's too hot!!
I confess that due to the extreme heat, I've become a recluse. I don't want to leave the house for anything. Even going to the grocery store this weekend turned me into a head turning, flame throwing, She Demon. Being inside is driving me crazy... but being out in the heat makes me crazier. I guess I just have to face the fact that I'm crazy, going to be that way until the temps get to about 80 during the day.
I confess that yesterday I did not wake up with my cheery, positive, conquer the world attitude that I had last week. Not sure if it's the fact that nothing really happened last week, or because Aunt Flo is here... but several times yesterday I almost broke down into tears for no reason....except, of course, because I started to think about how I was going to pay my bills next month.
I confess that I am now questioning the whole "Go to school to further your education so you can make more money, live a better life, and have a better career" speech I was fed my whole life. Really? Let's look at the facts on that: Before I decided to go to school, I had a great job with decent enough pay and so-so benefits. I had opportunities for advancement. I had a boss that I loved. Now, I have a college degree - Associates and Bachlor, I'm unemployed, no health benefits, worrying how I'm going to pay my bills....and now facing the fact that I might have to wait tables or work in a grocery store* to make ends meet. Makes me really start to think of the "be careful what you wish for" saying.
*I will insert here that I don't believe there is anything wrong with waiting tables or working in a grocery store. I've been there, done that. I don't, however, feel like it's a position a person should have to pursue once receiving a college education. I'm just trying to point out that having my college degree really doesn't put me in a better situation than before I had it... if anything, I'm now in a much worse situation.
I confess that for the first time in four years, I have actually had feelings of regret in regards to going to school in the first place. There, I said it. Maybe it's just the grouchy, hormonal bitch saying that.... maybe it's the bitter, jealous, bitch saying that... or maybe it's the small, rational part of my brain saying that who now realizes that after 4 years of working my behind off, racking up over $22,000 in debt, there's not anything to show for it....except the $22,000+ of debt.
If a single person comments about how obvious it is that Aunt Flo is here.... my head will spin, my eyes will turn yellow, and yes there will be extreme obscenities thrown your way... just sayin'.
I confess that there have been several stress induced binges this past week. Cookies have been taunting and teasing me....I'm convinced they are the Devil. I gave in to temptation way too many times, and I'm sure that the scale will reflect that in the morning.
I confess that I just received an email that calmed the evil, sadistic witch dwelling inside of me. I feel better already - although I'm going to try and not get my hopes up too much. It was a sign, I tell ya! Yeah, I'm back on that. Just when I was bashing and pouting and acting like a spoiled 3 year old who didn't get the toy she wanted...I get an email.
I confess that I wish I could tell you all what the email was about... but from fear of it not working out, I'm going to keep it to myself...for now. Let's hope it leads to something I can yell from the rooftops about in the next couple of days.
I confess that I almost deleted all of my confessions, except for the last two, cause now I feel bad about feeling like a spoiled, whiny brat... but I'm not going to...cause that's what confessions are all about. One email really didn't erase all of those feelings inside of me...so the confessions stay.
I confess that I think all of this evil, self-loathing, banter stems from the fact that I haven't been without a job for this long since I went into a serious depression 9 years ago....unless you count the year long, unpaid, internship... but that was still a full time job, in my books. That was the same depression that caused me to gain a lot of weight.
I confess that I'm not cut out for not working. I have to be busy. I have to be working at something for someone. Staying at home is nice... but in reality, I'm just not stay at home mom material. I think that's what all my troubles really boil down to. I really miss getting up early in the morning, getting dressed, driving to work, spending the day doing something productive (or just chatting with other adults), and then coming home to spend time with the kids. Mother of the year right here, right?
Lastly, I confess that now that I've received that email....all the evil is disappearing from my fingertips, and I've ran out of things to confess cause I don't feel like a blubbering witch anymore. Isn't it funny how one little thing can completely turn someone around so quickly?
Alright... your turn...want to get some things off of your chest? Then, have at it....go blog about it...and come back and tell me. I've shown you mine, now show me yours!!
Till next time. ;)
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