Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Future Me is NOT Going to be Happy...But She Can Get Over It!!

Good morning, everyone!!  I'm in a very good mood this morning - why? You ask.  Well, because it's storming right now and it's been raining most of the night.

It's supposed to rain for most of the day.  We desperately need the rain.  Of course, it comes on the one day that I had planned on taking my kiddos to my mom's for some swimming.... but oh well, they can enjoy hanging out with grandma indoors.

I hope you have a full cup of coffee...if not, go and get one...this one is going to be long...

So, yesterday, when I first got up I decided to read an old post I wrote at the beginning of the year.  I read it because I knew that I had written this post, but I couldn't remember what I had said.  The post was a letter I had written for myself as if it were January, 2012.  I was Future Me.  It was an exercise that was used for was supposed to highlight my goals for 2011 so that I could look back and see how far I'd come in the year.

As I read it, I couldn't help but realize that Future Me is not going to be happy.  In fact, she's going to be a little on the pissed side.  It also help me realize that no matter how hard I think it, I possess absolutely no psychic powers what so ever

So - before I begin, you should probably read the post:  Dear 2011

Now, I'm going to dissect the letter a little - and bring you all up to date on what has actually happened since writing the letter.  Today it's about facing what I didn't accomplish - and some that I did.  Tomorrow?  I'm going to write a letter back to Future Me and beg for forgiveness....and point out some of my plans for the rest of the year.

The first point of success I commend myself for in the letter is treating my body as "a temple".  The change in you was so drastic. Before you put anything into your mouth, you checked the ingredients, the fats, the sugars...everything.  I actually did do this for a while.... but then the summer hit, and well... you all know what happened after that.  My body was no longer a temple, more like a dumping ground.  The more fat, sugar, and processed crap the better. 

Next, I discuss my exercise.  With the healthy lifestyle came a Joanna that LOVED to exercise.  This, also, rings true for a few months - here and there.  I remember starting a lot of new programs.... I actually joined a gym for a few months, I did Yoga for a few months, I tried out several new at home plans....never finished any of them.  The gym membership came before I graduated - and still had some money to pay for the membership.  Everything else came an attempt to make up for not being able to go to the gym.  Well, until June anyway....then I lost all desire to work out.  I made it through half the year, at least.

You decided to put the training to good use, and RAN (yes, ran) your first 5K in April in a little over 35 minutes.  Almost true.  I did run my first 5K (of 2011) in April.  Although, I didn't run the whole thing, I ran WAY more than I did the year before.  This was truly an exciting day for me.  I didn't finish in the 35 minutes - but I beat 45 minutes....and kicked my time from last year to the curb.

That one race really fueled your fire, and you ran 3 more 5Ks over the course of year - finishing the last one in 26mins!!  I ran another 5K exactly one week later.  It wasn't near as good as the first one, but I ran it with one of my 2nd grade students - and had a good time.  It was VERY hot, and it was in the evening....AND there were more excuses for why I didn't do so well... but I finished.  That was the last 5K to date.  I haven't even ran 5K at the fact, I haven't run 1K at the track in the past two months. 

After that run, you decided you wanted to start training for a 1/2 marathon.  Train for a 1/2 marathon?  Yeah, definitely didn't happen.  It's something I've thought about....thought how crazy I was for thinking it.  Sorry, Future Me but this was lost in the wind somewhere between May 1st and the realization that the summer was going to bring on the hottest temps in history....and the fact that I was lazy and full of excuses.  I'm thinking this might be something Future Me 2013 and Future Me 2014 might want to get together to discuss.

This was the part that I was looking for in the post... the topic of finding a job.  This is what Future Me had told me:  Oh, want some more good news? You got a teaching job!! Yes, I know, you was so worried about whether or not you'd find a job after graduating from college - and you did. It took some time, but the offer finally came and you are now a teacher!!

I wanted to see what insight Future Me had given me about my job hunt.  In actuality, this was the one part of the entire letter that Future Me hit on the head.  Future Me didn't say I was teaching in a public school - she said I got a teaching job.  It took time.  Finally the offer came.  As of Monday, I will be a teacher. 

Now, everyone knows my feelings as of late with my teaching offer.  Is it what I had expected or set my heart on?  No.  However, I haven't been fair - I've acted more like a spoiled brat who didn't get the name brand sneakers she wanted...instead she got a pair that was just as good, just not as expensive.

I have absolutely no idea what it's going to be like teaching Pre-K.  I have no right to pout and whine and complain.  Boo hoo - it's not working in the public schools.  It all comes down to an inflated ego that somehow made me think that I was supposed to be teaching in a K-4 classroom.  That's not the definition of teaching.  Regardless of what my classroom looks like, what classroom it's in, or the age of the kids that will be my "students" I will be teaching this coming school year! 

Moving on....That brings me to the next thing - I bet you're wondering what you look like in 2012, huh? You reached your goal weight of 145lbs by October. You lost 80lbs in 10 months!! You started out losing a lot of weight - and hit Onderland in March.  Yeah...obviously that didn't happen - and isn't going to happen.  What I actually hit in March was a brick wall that just continued to get higher and higher.  Right now, I'm only 6lbs lighter than the day I wrote the letter from Future Me.  Who do I have to blame?  Myself.  Was it possible?  Of course it was - but I chose to crawl in to a bed of self pity....and have been sleeping in it ever since.

The rest of the letter goes on about how wonderful I look, how strong I've grown, and how much I accomplished.  None of it being close to what has actually taken place in the past 8 months.

Now - the point of this post isn't to whine and complain about my failures.  It's my way of confronting those failures...shedding some light on missed opportunities and falling off the wagon.  It's Part 1 to what I'm planning on doing tomorrow.  Starting over...again.

I received two comments on my blog yesterday that I read before I went to bed last night.  It was these comments that redirected my focus for this blog post...and the one that follows tomorrow.  In honesty, I had totally planned on getting on here this morning and bashing myself about how horrible my year has been.  Right now, it may seem like I did that very thing.... but once you see tomorrow's post hopefully you won't feel that way anymore.

The first comment was this one in response to the post about feeling ungrateful:

Joanne, I have been thinking about this post and wanted to say the right thing. First of all, I understand how you feel, if that helps. As a high school teacher, I was placed in a grade two classroom and I questioned if I would like it.  "Was it going to be intellectual enough?" I wondered. "Would I be bored?" I pondered. But I went ahead anyways. It was a job and I wasn't in a position to turn it down. And I loved it. Sure, it was not what I had planned. But the joy of teaching was there.

You are a teacher. Period. You will teach. In that little Pre-K classroom, you will teach, and the joy of teaching will carry you through. Can you still dream about your perfect K-4 classroom? Definitely! And with your passion, you will most likely get it.  But this year, teach, to the very best of your ability. You will learn TONS and you will take all that experience and wisdom to wherever your next job is ... ENJOY and start planning, girl!!!!! Lots of hugs!!!!  PrairiePrincess

The second comment came from my dear friend Draz, and she just has a way of knocking my thick head with the truth....she wrote in response to yesterday's confessions....

Listen up - here's some tough love. You do NOT have to blog about anything - even if you said you would. I'm supposed to be a weight loss blog - um - I rarely do. Meh - it is what it is. Second - Joanna - stop it about the job. NO ONE is getting jobs in this economy - but YOU did - TWO offers...because you are so wanted. I want you to start a grateful journal. Each night - three things you are grateful for. Every night for a month and see if it changes how you feel. Third - LOVE yourself for who you are - good, bad, sad, happy, 2 lbs up or down, teacher, mother, wife or pissed off woman of the day - whoever you are, whatever you feel - it's yours - not right or wrong or anything to apologize for. It is beautiful - because it is you. Love you.

I went to bed last night and did exactly what Draz asked me to do....and I already feel better.

So, even though this post is a little of a downer....just keep in mind that it's just to set the scene for what's coming tomorrow.  Things are a changin'.  Reading comments like that - and there have been others - makes me realize that there are people out there that care....and are willing to smack me upside my solid head with the truth.  I need to hear it.  I need to do something about it.  And that's exactly what I plan on doing.....Make sure you tune in tomorrow!!

Till next time. ;)
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1 comment:

  1. I love to read your posts..they feel good and they make me feel like I'm gonna be okay..perhaps I'm not struggling anymore than a lot of people. :)


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