I know it's only been a few days since I did my last installment of True Confessions - but, I don't want to get out of schedule....so, I'm going to see if I can find a few sins to confess.
I confess that I was shocked, angry, sad, and frustrated all at the same time when I stood on the scale this morning. I was so much of all of those emotions that I'm now embarrassed to admit what it said... but I will, because that's a part of this whole process. It said 231.8lbs!!! I can't believe it. That means I've gained 20lbs in two and a half months. Not only that, but I'm now almost 5lbs heavier than I was at the beginning of the year.
I confess that I'm truly tired of using stress as an excuse for gaining weight. I haven't seen this type of rapid weight gain in 8 years - and it scares the bejeezus out of me.
I confess that I'm now terrified that I'm slipping away, and in no time I'll be back to the 297lbs version of myself I was just over 2 years ago.
I confess that I wish I could declare that it's all going to change and that I'm going to turn in around - but the fear and anger and frustration is haunting me..... it's going to take a lot to really pull myself out of this.
I confess that I was really sad when I came home from work yesterday, and found my pet guinea pig on the verge of death. What made it even sadder was the fact that nobody had noticed until I got home. She was just lying there on the bottom of the cage - and looked like she had some kind of seizure or something. We've had her for a year, and she's always been healthy and active. To see her just lying there like that was heartbreaking - but I couldn't say anything, because I didn't want Jelly to notice. She passed a few hours later, and today Hubby will be taking care of discreetly disposing of her.
I confess that before all of the previous events took place, I was actually in a really good mood yesterday. I spent the day in professional development, and actually enjoyed myself. I laughed, I got to make stuff, and I even volunteered to sing a children's song in front of the whole group....about 80 people!! I really felt like a member of the team, yesterday - and it helped, a lot!!
I confess that for a few seconds yesterday, after I remembered that it was the University's first day of classes, it felt super weird not to be worrying about books or going to class....and then the weirdness turned to happiness and I actually took a second to giggle out loud about it. Cause, you know - I giggle....occasionally.
Lastly, I confess that despite the anger and frustration of my weight gain, the sadness of losing a pet, and all the other negativity that flew out from the first half of this post....I'm actually feeling pretty darned good. I woke up yesterday feeling different - like I was ready to get rid of the worry and stress that's been living on my shoulder. I was - am - ready to really take on this new position with dedication to making it work, and doing the best that I can.
I'm not sure if I received some form of slap across the face while I was sleeping - but I do know that I'm tired of finding the negative in everything. As I sat in the conference room yesterday and watched my team members and other Head Start employees enjoy themselves, I realized that I was doing the same. I was enjoying myself. The day flew by, and I left with a smile on my face. When I woke up this morning, I didn't have to drag myself out of bed - I got up ready for the day....even if today does consist of 4 hours of CPR training.
I know I've probably said this countless times before - but I have to realize that life is what I make it. If I wallow in self pity - it's going to be a pitiful life. If I live in the moment, enjoy it, and make the most out of any situation - life will be good, happy....the way it should be.
OK, I've gained 20lbs in a couple of months. I have only one person to blame for it. I can either sit here and whine about it - or I can do something about it. So, I didn't get the job I dreamed about. I can either sit here and complain and make this school year miserable, or I can jump in and make the most from it, learn from it, and heck...I don't know... maybe even find out that I really enjoy it.
Today is a new day, full of new opportunities. I'm going to take one day at a time, live in the moments, and just start living.
Till next time. ;)
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