Before you say anything, I know.
I know that I was supposed to write this post yesterday..... but I ended up staying at my mom's Wednesday night and when I came home I had to go to Peanut's open house and then when I came home from that, I had to have dinner....and I had a lot of stuff on my my mind. So, I'm writing it today - it's a day late, but better late than never.
Wednesday, I wrote a post confronting another post I had written back in January. The post from January was a letter from "Future Me"...and it laid out all of the plans and goals that I had made for myself for 2011.
Even though I haven't met many of those goals - I promised that yesterday I would write another letter....to Future Me....explaining my plans for the remainder of the year. It didn't get written yesterday, but I'm going to do it today... right now in fact....so here goes...
Dear Future Me, 2012
At first, I had planned on writing you a letter to apologize and beg for forgiveness. Mostly for the fact that I didn't accomplish all of the wonderful things I was supposed to accomplish this year.
There was no hitting Onderland. I have not lived on a healthy, wholesome diet. There was no becoming an exercise junkie. There has definitely not been any plans for training for a half marathon. So, I was going to apologize for my lack of commitment and ultimate self failure. But, I've changed my mind - I'm not going to apologize anymore.
It's taken me a very long time, but I've finally realized that my life has been filled with me trying to control it, trying to predict the outcomes....and the complete opposite happening every time. When I make plans for "A", somehow for some reason "B" will happen. I can't believe it's taken me 29 years to realize this.... but now, today, I finally have.
Yesterday morning, I sat outside my parent's house and watched my 3 year old daughter play in the rain. I sat there and watched as the look of pure delight and joy swept across her face as she felt the cooling drops as she ran. For the first time in so long, I felt truly happy. I had no worries, no fears, no frustrations....just a feeling of love, comfort, and happiness.
I wish I could have bottled up that feeling. It's a feeling I honestly don't feel very often. I put on a happy face for the world to see, but often I'm feeling pain on the inside. Seeing my daughter and sharing her moment of carefree happiness hit me like the smack in the face I needed. What on earth do I have to feel pain or unhappiness for?
I have an amazing family. We all have our health. The life that I'm providing for my family is solid, filled with love, and my children are happy.
Many bad things have happened to me - but they don't even come close the amounts of great things. I have a man by my side that loves me.. He loves my flaws, he loves my strength, he loves my determination. He comforts me when I need him, supports me, and provides a solid foundation in an often crazy life. I have parents that are my closest friends. Both supporting my decisions, standing by my side, loving their grandchildren, and loving me. My children are my world. They are smart, funny, caring, and loving. They never complained when I wasn't there for them as much as I wanted to be. They have never resented me for pursuing my dreams, taking time away from them, or being in a constant ball of stress and worry. They all love me just as unconditionally as I love them.
So I didn't lose much weight this year. I didn't get my dream job. I didn't focus on exercising and eating healthy and making plans to train as a runner. Instead I spent time with my kids, I tried to relax. I missed many opportunities to be happy, instead being locked in a prison of self-doubt, self-pity, and disappointment. I have my regrets. I wish I had done so many things differently, but it's too late for that now.
One motto that I've always tried to live by is "Everything happens for a reason". The reasons often don't present themselves for a long time - I'm still waiting for some. Like why I wasn't able to find a job in the public schools, for example. Even though I know that I'm born to be there - the universe apparently has a different plan for me. Maybe the plan is for me to learn this very lesson... I can't control the outcomes.
Maybe there's a reason behind my lack of motivation and dedication with my weight loss this year. Maybe not. Maybe I just got so absorbed in trying to control my life, that I let important things slip by me - and this is another part of the lesson that I have to learn.
At the end of the day, the reason for this letter to you is to tell you that I have no idea what my life is going to be like once 2012 hits. In fact, I don't want to know. I want to start living in the here and now. Each day I will make decisions that will lead to an outcome. I want those outcomes to be a surprise. They might be good, they might be bad - but I'll deal with them as they arise.
I know in my heart that I will never give up trying to acquire the outcomes that I want in my life. I will continue to believe that one day, I will teach in the public schools. I will continue to keep my weight loss in my mind - and I know that I will get back on the horse. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow... but I will do it. When I do it, how I do it - that is left in the unknown....where I want it to be. Each day I will wake up and live for that day. I will make decisions for my actions and wait for the consequences to arise - not worry about them possibly happening, or not happening the way I want them to. I'm cutting the strings of control.
So, today I tell you that I don't want to hear from you anymore. I want Future Me to stay in the future - quietly. No more letters, no more predicitons, no more future goals and plans.
I want to live. I want to be happy. Those are my future plans.
The Me in the Here and Now.
Till next time. ;)
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