I thought that once I found a job, I'd be happy. I am happy. What I mean is, I thought I'd be done - done with worrying, done with looking, done with getting frustrated. I'm not. And now it's worse, because I still have all of those feelings - but add a side of guilt on the side, because I feel guilty about not being grateful that at least I have a job.
Anyone that knows me personally, or have spent some time reading my blog, knows that my dream is to work in a classroom....more specifically a classroom in a public school teaching a grade between kindergarten and 4th grade.
If you know me personally, you're probably surprised to see the addition of kindergarten to my list of "dream grades". That's because, after spending some time in a kindergarten classroom - I had fun, the kids learned a lot, and I could see myself teaching kindergarten...something I didn't know about myself until it actually happened.
So, I have a job that will be teaching pre-K. It's a teaching job. Yes. It's technically in my own classroom. Yes. BUT it's not the same. I don't get the excitement of setting up my own classroom, writing extensive lesson plans, introducing concepts such as readers and writers workshop, math centers, or science/social studies units.
After getting my trunk load of goodies from my teacher friend, yesterday, it's been worse. I sorted through some of the stuff and planned in my head how great the stuff would look in a kindergarten classroom, a 1st grade classroom, etc. etc. Then I was struck with that feeling...again...that feeling of what if I don't ever get that classroom that I dreamed of?
So, now here I am feeling like an ungrateful you know what. Am I wrong for still feeling upset about not having a classroom? I don't think so - but I should just be grateful I have some form of a job and suck it up, right?
I still find myself searching the school websites EVERY single day....often several times a day. I'm still sending emails to principles. I'm still hoping, praying, dreaming, and wishing that one of them will send me a return email or give me a phone call and say "Can you come in for an interview?"
I have exactly one week left until I start in my new position. Most people would be happy about that...but me? No, I'm looking at it as having one week left to maybe, somehow, by some miraculous force, find a job in the public schools.
I'm sick, aren't I? Feel free to be honest - I know what you're probably thinking.
When I really think about it - it comes down to being happy. Now I'm worried that I'll get in to this new job, and not be happy. I'll still dream about getting a job in the schools. My work will suffer because I'm not 110% as dedicated to being a pre-K teacher as I would be working in the schools. I worry because it's not fair to the kids. They deserve a teacher that wants to be there.... is excited to be there....isn't looking for the first opportunity to run out the door and to the comforts of the paradise of a school classroom....the paradise that has been in my dreams for 25 years.
When I think about myself - I know that I won't let my feelings affect the kids. It's just not who I am. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I'll get in to that classroom and dedicate myself to helping those kids, teaching those kids, and making sure they have fun. But I know it won't change my inner feelings.
Yesterday, I saw that yet another of my fellow interns had found a job in the schools...and a small piece of me died. It's such a crushing experience. It sounds terrible....it is. I'm happy for them - all of them - that find a job. I just feel a piece of my heart being chipped away when I hear that there's one less chance that something might happen for me.
HOLY CRAP BALLS - I sound just like I did before I got my job. What's wrong with me?
OK - I have to stop now. I don't want to get back into this spiral. I have a job. I should be happy. I am going to be able to pay my bills, still work in a classroom, and help kids. I have to get over this.
Time to stop.
Till next time. ;)
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