Only I Can Be in Pain After a Day of Sitting and Doing Nada....

Not very happy this morning.  I woke up with a nasty pain under my right shoulder blade that's killing me anytime I move.

I need a new bed.  That's all there is to it.  Oh, and someone to massage the kink out of my back...it hurts, and I don't like it.

Pain like this usually comes from pulling a muscle - you know, like after you do something strenuous.  Not me...nope.  I hurt my back by sleeping.  That will teach me.  Sleeping is dangerous...or maybe it's my bed....whatever it is.. it hurts!!

So, yesterday was my first day at work.  I'm going to be honest.  It was boring.  VERY boring.  I sat in a room with about 15 other people from the various Head Start sites, and from various positions...all new hires.  We filled out tons and tons of paperwork.  We watched videos.  We listened while we were read snippets from the employee handbook.  Sounds like a fun day, right?

I'm a lot more excited about today.  Today, I go to my center for the first time.  I meet my director and co-workers for the first time.  I get to see my classroom for the first time.  I'm sure there will be a lot more training and watching videos today - but at least I'll actually get a feel of where I'll be and what I'll be doing. 

I'll admit.  Yesterday was bittersweet.  While I sat in that room signing yet another form, I couldn't help let my mind wander to my friends who were starting their first day in the public schools.  Getting to meet their kiddos in that setting for the first time.  Going over new procedures and classroom rules.  I still have two weeks before I meet my kiddos.

Despite that, I'm keeping a positive outlook. 

Being told about the amounts of assessments and parent-teacher conferences and anecdotal records I'll be doing really perked my interest.  I mean, that's teacher experience GOLD right there.  Any teacher, regardless of grade or school, spends a LOT of time doing assessments and keeping records and making portfolios.... I'll be doing the same.  So, at the end of the year, if I choose to pursue finding a position in the public schools - I'll have that to boast on my resume.

I'm still very nervous.  That's only to be expected.  I'm meeting the people I will be spending the next school year with today.  They didn't have a say in hiring me - they've never even met me.  I'm worried they may not like me....I mean, I seem to sometimes have that affect on people, apparently.

It's so weird to me not even meeting my boss before starting work.  I'm used to interviewing with a person, making a connection, and then being offered a position to work with that person because of that connection.  I'm not sure there were any connections when I interviewed with the Human Resources director.  I was turned down for the job, at first.  I wonder how many other people were offered my position before they finally offered it to me?

That's scary.

On top of that.  The person I will be working for wasn't in that interview.  She didn't get to talk to me or ask me questions or get a feel for who I am and what I'm like.  I'm sure she got to read the responses to my interview questions - but who can really get a feel for a person based on that? 

Maybe this situation works in my favor.

Seriously.  It can't hurt - right?  Things didn't exactly go well with interviewing for other positions.  It's so hard to show someone what you're really like when you're not being grilled in an interview.  I get nervous.  I turn in to a rigid puppet - trying to answer the questions the best that I know how... but in a way that sounds professional.  I want to give a good impression, but I often wonder if I didn't come off as a tape recorded version of a text book.

Today, my boss gets to meet me outside of that environment.  She'll get the "real me".  Maybe that's good.  Maybe that's bad. The jury is still out on that one.  I am who I am.  I know people that love that about me - and then there are those that smile to my face, but I can tell from that smile that are imagining flaming pokers sticking out of my eyeballs and savage beasts clawing the flesh from my skin.  Yeah, I can tell.

I consider myself a very friendly person... I feel that I can get along with just about everyone. 

Even though I think that about myself, I know there are others that would use different words to describe me.  I mean, when push comes to shove, I only have two very close friends.  I have other people that I consider friends - but I know that they never think of me when going out, or they would never pick up the phone and call me just to see how I'm doing.  I can't even begin to tell you how many times I send a text or a Facebook message to someone just to say hi and see how they're doing - and never get a response.

OK - I'm totally going off on a direction I never intended to here.  This was supposed to be a post about me being excited to meet the people I'm working with.  I'm getting myself all worked up over nothing. 

Rewind.

Do-Over.

Play.

So, it's time for me to get ready for my first real day at work.  I am excited.  I know that I will be fine.  I will be myself.... I will take in everything I can.  I will look to the future with hope and excitement.  One day at a time.  That's all I can do.

Here I go..... Have a great Tuesday, everyone!!

Till next time. ;)

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We Meet Again 4am

It's not actually 4am...it's closer to 4:50 now, but I have already taken a shower...I was up at 4am.

The return of the 4am wake-ups are upon me.

When I tell people I get up at 4am on work days, I get a look that can only be described as a look I'd see if I had fungus growing from my nose and eyeballs.  You know, face all scrunched up - totally disgusted.  Then I get that shocked "Why on earth would you get up that early?"

Well, in all honesty, this time of the day is my most favorite time of the day - and I've actually missed it.

I don't actually leave for work until between 6 and 6:30am.  I get up at 4am because the house is completely silent.  There is no TV, no children running through the house, no arguing, no yelling, not a single sound....even the dog stays in bed for at least another hour before getting up to bother me.

It's the time of day that I can just sit back, relax, enjoy a cup of coffee....and write my blog.

I get almost two hours completely to myself to clear my mind and prepare for the day's events.  Writing my blog goes a lot smoother...and I am just in a good mood at this time of day.  Something that has obviously been lacking this summer.  Maybe I should have gotten up at 4am every day - regardless of not actually having to go anywhere.  Oh well...too late for that now.  The summer break is officially over.

I feel much better today than I did yesterday.  I think maybe it's the magic of the hour.  I love this time of day so much, that it can actually put me in a good mood, make me feel calmer.  I'm excited to hear about the job that awaits.  I'm eager to learn more about it - who I'm going to be working with, how things will work, when I get to see my classroom.

I have so many questions, and I honestly think that the fear and anxiety I described yesterday is because I have so many questions and such little information.  I know I will feel much better after today.

I have no idea what's in store for me in the next two weeks.  I only know that it's going to be two weeks before I get any kiddos.  I'm partly relieved by that - because it allows me more time to get into the center and learn more about it.  I'm also partly disappointed - because, well, I'm ready for some kiddos!!

One thing I did know for sure this morning when I woke up:  I'm ready to get back to trying to lose weight. Whaaaattt???  Yep, you read that right....no need to get your eyesight checked.

I'm not sure why it hit me this morning.  Again, it could be the time of day.  It could be that I have some kind of pull over me.... when I'm working I'm happy, when I'm happy I'm motivated to lose weight.  It could have also been the fact that I'm now worried what I'm going to wear to work - because my pants are starting to get too tight...and that's no bueno!!  I can't let that happen!!

I bought clothes last year to work in - I need those same clothes this year.  The only time I'm buying more clothes is once I go down another size. Period.  I'm not about to even think about going up a size.  I will be sucking it in and feeling miserable for a while - but that's the price I pay for letting myself go as bad as I did.  I hate knowing I've been going in the wrong direction for months - but now its the time to turn it all around.

Do you see what I'm talking about now with the 4am thing?  When was the last time you heard me this optimistic??  Huh??  Come on, you can be honest.... it's been a while.  I know. 

I'm excited to be getting back into my structured routine.  Get up at 4am.  Leave for work at 6:30am.  Work until 4.  Come home.  Have dinner.  Go for a run.  Help the kids with homework.  An hour of TV.  Bed.  Rinse, then repeat.  That's my life - and exactly how I like it.

When something kinks with that schedule, I end up....well, you've all been witnesses to what happens when that schedule is messed up - you've been reading about it for the past two months!!  While I was getting ready yesterday, I found my planner.  My planner is my life when I'm working - and I hugged it yesterday as if it were a lost child...seriously...not kidding.  I got a little choked up with joy and excitement knowing that I was going to get to use it again.  Then I got panicky because it only lasts until December.  I really need to find a school year planner...its now on top of my wish list the minute I get my first pay check.  It's more important that car payments and phone bills!  Seriously,  I can't make this stuff up! 

So, my friends, I am back.  I've been hiding in realm of 4am....waiting for the day that I awaken with excitement and motivation....and the yearning for a silent cup of coffee. 

Now you know why my 4am wake-ups are so important.  I need this time.  It helps.  I feel so much better already.

Now, it's time to get ready for my big day....and I couldn't be happier.

To all of my friends who are starting their teaching careers today:  You are so blessed, and so are those kiddos that are lucky enough to have you as a teacher this year.  You have fulfilled your dream.  Take this day and cherish it for the rest of your life.  Good luck!!  I will be thinking about you all, and can't wait to hear how it goes!!

To all of my friends not starting their teaching career today:  I know you may feel disheartened.  I'm right there with ya.  I prayed for a position in the schools, too.  I'm not going to give up on that dream - and neither will you.  Just because it didn't happen yet does NOT mean it's not going to happen.  Every one of you are amazing people - and will be amazing teachers.  Things will work out, and in the end - all of our dreams will be fulfilled.  It may not be today, tomorrow, or even this school year - but the day will come where we will share in the moment of pure joy of setting up our own classrooms and preparing for the students to arrive.  This year will be about doing the best we can, regardless of where we are or what we're doing.  The time will come!!

Till next time. ;)

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This is It....The Last Day of Summer

Before I start, let me just put some minds to ease.  If you read my post from yesterday, and are now wondering what happened to it - I took it down.  It wasn't because of what anybody said in the comments.  I just had a niggly feeling all day after it being there, and I just couldn't shake that feeling.  I thought it to be in my best interests to take it down.  It had served it's purpose, I got some great feedback, and now I can move on.

So, it's Sunday.  Not just any Sunday, though... it's the last Sunday before I step out into the world of going to work.  Even though there will be no children or classroom for a while.... I have lots of training and meetings to get under my belt.

I'm nervous.  I'm scared.  I'm nervous...wait, I already said that.  I am, though...really nervous and scared.  It's so hard starting a new job when I haven't met anyone that I'm going to be working with...not even my new boss!!  I was hired by the head office, and still have yet to speak to the director of the building I've been assigned to.

I wish I could be more excited than I am... but maybe that will come once I actually get in there and start working.  My head is still frazzled and fried from recent events - and my dreams at night are still filled with welcoming students into a classroom (like at a 3rd grade level). 

One thing that it's no use in denying - Pre-K scares the heeby jeebies out of me.  Anyone that knows me personally, or has been reading my blog since I was in school knows my feelings on this grade level.  I'm not against it - I don't hate it....it just scares me and I have never thought of myself as "Pre-K teacher material".  People that know me or have worked with me would also probably agree.

My teaching style has a lot to do with that.  I'm a tough cookie.  Firm but fair.  I try to instill organization and cooperation into my students...not sure how that's going to fly with 3 year olds.  Wait, yes I do....it won't fly. 

Three year olds live in their own little bubbles.  In their minds, the world revolves around them.  They need freedom, and choice, and to be reassured every 3 minutes that everything is OK and just because little Johnny wants to play with the same toys doesn't mean that Johnny is trying to steal the toy and that two kids can play together nicely and hitting is not the answer to solving problems - and neither is crying.

Yep - I'm petrified.

I spent the last four years writing lesson plans and preparing classroom management ideas and coming up with units for a classroom for kids aged between 5 and 8.  That's not even including the plans that I had to do for college classes - it was something I did in my spare time.  It was a hobby. 

Now, I feel lost and clueless. 

If you could see my home office right now, you'd see what my life is like outside of school.  My desk is full of student work given to me during my internship.  I have letters from students, and pictures of them.  I have a stack of teacher resource books with cute color coded sticky labels that I've prepared over the summer.  I'm surrounded by bookshelves full to the brim of books recommended for any classroom K-4.  I have file boxes neatly organized into grade level and subject.  I have bulletin board displays organized and stuffed behind any flat surface that will hold them.  I still have stuff in the trunk of my car, yet to be sorted... because I'm just running out of room.

But all of that stuff will stay there, for yet another year.  Maybe not the stuff in the trunk, pretty sure Hubby would have a problem with that stuff staying there for a year.

I know, this doesn't exactly sound all cheery and excited, does it?

I'm not trying to sound gloomy - just being honest.  I know who I am as a teacher.  I'm pretty sure I scared the living crap out of my students the first few weeks I was with them in my internship placements... but you know what?  I'm pretty sure that at the end of each of my placements - they all loved me as much as I loved them.  I know that because there were tears when I had to leave.  There was anger when I had to leave (not from me).  There were letters upon letters about how much they would miss me and how much they enjoyed me teaching them.  I was tough, but those sweet kiddos realized what I was doing, they understood my actions, they grew to respect it and embrace it.

I'm sure that teaching Pre-K will be the hardest thing I've ever done.  I'm going to have to abandon everything I know about myself and mold myself into something different.  It's a step I'm willing to take - but I don't want to lose the me that I'm comfortable with.  I will be the best Pre-K teacher I can be.  I will try everything in my power to support those little ones, help them, and guide them. 

Like always, I will put in my best effort.  However, I'm not going to pretend that I will give up on wanting to be in an elementary school.  I'm sure I'll still dream about it every night.  I'm sure I'll still find myself planning lessons and activities for a higher age group in my spare time. 

Until that day comes, however, starting tomorrow I become a Pre-K teacher.  I am ready for the challenge.

Till next time. ;)

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BYOC - Two Posts in One Day??? OH YES!!

I contemplated skipping Bring Your Own Crazy today - because I just finished writing a post for today.  BUT, after the solemness of that post, I need to get a little crazy....have a little fun....wind down after a long, stressful week. 

So, I'm doing it!!  Join me won't ya??  I get the questions from Draz, and we answer them to get to know each other a little better.  I want to know more about you - so copy the questions on to your blog and send me the link.  DO IT!!  DO IT NOW!! After you read my answers, of course.

1. I have to do some MAJOR cleaning tonight…which is prompting me to ask…what is the absolute worst thing you hate to clean or cleaning chore you hate the most? (vacuuming, dusting, laundry, toilets, floors, etc.)

I HATE doing dishes.  Washing them by hand?? No thank you!!  I'll load the dishwasher, if I must, but if there are dishes left over then it will be like pulling teeth to get me to wash them by hand. 

Lucky for me, I have a fantastic Peanut that will step up and do dishes.  Seriously, I don't know what I'd do with out that child.  Probably have a house full of dirty dishes... cause my lazy butt sure isn't going to wash them. 

2. Brown or Black? Fly or Drive? Hot dog or Burger? Gold or Silver?

If we're talking clothes - both brown and black are great.  I love them both.  HOWEVER, I have this weird thing where I won't wear brown and black together.  If my clothes have black in them - I wear black shoes/accessories.  If I'm wearing brown clothes - shoes and accessories are brown.  It's just the way I am.

Want to hear something funny? I actually own a shirt that has both brown and black on it.  I haven't ever nor will I probably ever wear it.  I can't.  There's some weird force field around it that gives me electric shocks if I even step close to it.  Just can't do it.

In regards to flying vs. driving - I've done both.  I prefer driving, cause I have a fear of heights... but I will fly if I have to (or if someone else is paying for the plane tickets).  I guess it comes down to distance being traveled.  Do I really want to ride in a car with three kids for hours and hours and hours when I could just hop on a plane and be there in a fourth of the time?

Burger is my top choice - but I also like hot dogs.  Now, if the option was burger vs. hot link - I'd take the hot link.  Hot links or brats.  I love those things - and love them more than burgers.  Plain ol' hot dogs? Meh, I'll take a burger.

Not a fan of gold AT ALL.  I have the same weird feeling with gold and silver as I do with black and brown.  Can't wear gold jewelry with silver jewelry.  I prefer the look of silver - on me - and so the little amount of jewelry I own is all silver....including my engagement ring.

3. Repeat question: I’m going to pick a person not knowing your relationship with them or even if a relationships exists – and you then try to describe that person in 5 short sentences/words.

Maternal Grandmother

Loving
Funny (especially after a couple of Baileys)
Strong willed (has to be to put up with my grandpa for 30 years)
Caring
Super great grandmother (my kids adore her as much as I do)

4. Even if you don’t have kids, how do you feel about kids in multiple sports during their school years? Were you in MULTIPLE sports all during school? Forced or by choice?

I'm actually a mother that thinks that sports/extra curricular activities are GREAT!!  I also have kids that really aren't that interested.

My Peanut played softball for two years - and I loved it as much as she did.  Being a "soccer mom" is something I've always wanted to be since having kids.  I want the kids involved in sports, having a crazy schedule wondering how I'm going to get them to games and practices, and inviting family to games.

Of course, once I started school - that all went out of the window... but now that I'm done?  I want them involved.  I'm going to try and get them involved in more stuff this year.  I think it's good for them.

In school, I wasn't really active.  I only participated in band.  I LOVED IT!!  Peanut started band last year, but I found out last night at open house that the school is cutting the band.  It's now a "club" in which they will have to be at school by 7:30 in the morning to participate.  It was heartbreaking for me - more so than Peanut - cause I know that she won't be able to participate now. 

I won't ever force my kids to be involved - but I will encourage them, and support them.  If it gets too much, we'll cut back. 

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Blog land has been pretty solemn and gloomy.  Hence why I just HAD to do BYOC today.  I don't wake up every morning feeling that way... but once I sit in front of my computer, I let everything out.  It's the greatest therapy I've ever had...and much cheaper.  As much as I sound like a whiny, depressed, self-loathing person.... letting all of that stuff out here refreshes me, clears my mind, and cheers me up.

Real life has been good.  I went to my parent's house Wednesday for the day - and ended up spending the night.  When I'm feeling especially down, going home helps boost my spirits.  It was really nice to just hang out with my parents, eat the comfort food they made for me, and watch some movies. 

Things were all good until I got home yesterday.  Then I received a text message that sent everything spiraling out of control.  One of the teachers from my internship school gave me the heads up that the school was looking for another teacher ASAP.  My heart started racing, I started shaking uncontrollably.  She told me that some of the teachers were emailing the principal on my behalf and rooting for me.

In those few minutes, my world was turned upside down - once again.  Here I was getting phone calls and text messages of outward support.... but then?  Nothing.  I tried calling the principle, tried emailing... no responses.

Something like that is like opening up an old wound.  I had finally put on my big girl pants and accepted that this year I was teaching Pre-K. Period.  Then, BAM....I get news that sends shock waves of excitement through my system... then BAM, alcohol on the wound.  OUCH!!

It's so hard when I hear how many people are gunning for me - they've got my back, and doing everything they can to help me out.  It makes the let down so much harder.  I'm now left confused... if I had so much support from the teachers - why wouldn't I be considered?

I've decided there's nothing I can do (read this morning's post).  I had a good cry.  I let out some of my frustrations - and now it's time to find those big girl pans and put them on, once again.

So - that's it from me today.  Now?  Your turn... GET TO IT!!

Till next time. ;)

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Looking Towards the Future...A Day Later Than Originally Planned

Before you say anything, I know.

I know that I was supposed to write this post yesterday..... but I ended up staying at my mom's Wednesday night and when I came home I had to go to Peanut's open house and then when I came home from that, I had to have dinner....and I had a lot of stuff on my my mind.   So, I'm writing it today - it's a day late, but better late than never.

Wednesday, I wrote a post confronting another post I had written back in January.  The post from January was a letter from "Future Me"...and it laid out all of the plans and goals that I had made for myself for 2011.

Even though I haven't met many of those goals - I promised that yesterday I would write another letter....to Future Me....explaining my plans for the remainder of the year.  It didn't get written yesterday, but I'm going to do it today... right now in fact....so here goes...

Dear Future Me, 2012

At first, I had planned on writing you a letter to apologize and beg for forgiveness.  Mostly for the fact that I didn't accomplish all of the wonderful things I was supposed to accomplish this year. 

There was no hitting Onderland.  I have not lived on a healthy, wholesome diet.  There was no becoming an exercise junkie.  There has definitely not been any plans for training for a half marathon.  So, I was going to apologize for my lack of commitment and ultimate self failure.  But, I've changed my mind - I'm not going to apologize anymore.

It's taken me a very long time, but I've finally realized that my life has been filled with me trying to control it, trying to predict the outcomes....and the complete opposite happening every time.  When I make plans for "A", somehow for some reason "B" will happen.  I can't believe it's taken me 29 years to realize this.... but now, today, I finally have.

Yesterday morning, I sat outside my parent's house and watched my 3 year old daughter play in the rain.  I sat there and watched as the look of pure delight and joy swept across her face as she felt the cooling drops as she ran.  For the first time in so long, I felt truly happy.  I had no worries, no fears, no frustrations....just a feeling of love, comfort, and happiness.

I wish I could have bottled up that feeling.  It's a feeling I honestly don't feel very often.  I put on a happy face for the world to see, but often I'm feeling pain on the inside.  Seeing my daughter and sharing her moment of carefree happiness hit me like the smack in the face I needed.  What on earth do I have to feel pain or unhappiness for? 

I have an amazing family.  We all have our health.  The life that I'm providing for my family is solid, filled with love, and my children are happy. 

Many bad things have happened to me - but they don't even come close the amounts of great things.  I have a man by my side that loves me..  He loves my flaws, he loves my strength, he loves my determination.  He comforts me when I need him, supports me, and provides a solid foundation in an often crazy life.  I have parents that are my closest friends.  Both supporting my decisions, standing by my side, loving their grandchildren, and loving me.  My children are my world.  They are smart, funny, caring, and loving.  They never complained when I wasn't there for them as much as I wanted to be.  They have never resented me for pursuing my dreams, taking time away from them, or being in a constant ball of stress and worry.  They all love me just as unconditionally as I love them.

So I didn't lose much weight this year.  I didn't get my dream job.  I didn't focus on exercising and eating healthy and making plans to train as a runner.  Instead I spent time with my kids, I tried to relax.  I missed many opportunities to be happy, instead being locked in a prison of self-doubt, self-pity, and disappointment.  I have my regrets.  I wish I had done so many things differently, but it's too late for that now.

One motto that I've always tried to live by is "Everything happens for a reason".  The reasons often don't present themselves for a long time - I'm still waiting for some.  Like why I wasn't able to find a job in the public schools, for example.  Even though I know that I'm born to be there - the universe apparently has a different plan for me.  Maybe the plan is for me to learn this very lesson... I can't control the outcomes. 

Maybe there's a reason behind my lack of motivation and dedication with my weight loss this year.  Maybe not.  Maybe I just got so absorbed in trying to control my life, that I let important things slip by me - and this is another part of the lesson that I have to learn.

At the end of the day, the reason for this letter to you is to tell you that I have no idea what my life is going to be like once 2012 hits.  In fact, I don't want to know.  I want to start living in the here and now.  Each day I will make decisions that will lead to an outcome.  I want those outcomes to be a surprise.  They might be good, they might be bad - but I'll deal with them as they arise.

I know in my heart that I will never give up trying to acquire the outcomes that I want in my life.  I will continue to believe that one day, I will teach in the public schools.  I will continue to keep my weight loss in my mind - and I know that I will get back on the horse.  It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow... but I will do it.  When I do it, how I do it - that is left in the unknown....where I want it to be.  Each day I will wake up and live for that day.  I will make decisions for my actions and wait for the consequences to arise - not worry about them possibly happening, or not happening the way I want them to.  I'm cutting the strings of control.

So, today I tell you that I don't want to hear from you anymore.  I want Future Me to stay in the future - quietly.  No more letters, no more predicitons, no more future goals and plans.

I want to live.  I want to be happy.  Those are my future plans.

Sincerely,

The Me in the Here and Now.

Till next time. ;)

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Future Me is NOT Going to be Happy...But She Can Get Over It!!

Good morning, everyone!!  I'm in a very good mood this morning - why? You ask.  Well, because it's storming right now and it's been raining most of the night.

It's supposed to rain for most of the day.  We desperately need the rain.  Of course, it comes on the one day that I had planned on taking my kiddos to my mom's for some swimming.... but oh well, they can enjoy hanging out with grandma indoors.

I hope you have a full cup of coffee...if not, go and get one...this one is going to be long...

So, yesterday, when I first got up I decided to read an old post I wrote at the beginning of the year.  I read it because I knew that I had written this post, but I couldn't remember what I had said.  The post was a letter I had written for myself as if it were January, 2012.  I was Future Me.  It was an exercise that was used for motivation...it was supposed to highlight my goals for 2011 so that I could look back and see how far I'd come in the year.

As I read it, I couldn't help but realize that Future Me is not going to be happy.  In fact, she's going to be a little on the pissed side.  It also help me realize that no matter how hard I think it, I possess absolutely no psychic powers what so ever. 

So - before I begin, you should probably read the post:  Dear 2011

Now, I'm going to dissect the letter a little - and bring you all up to date on what has actually happened since writing the letter.  Today it's about facing what I didn't accomplish - and some that I did.  Tomorrow?  I'm going to write a letter back to Future Me and beg for forgiveness....and point out some of my plans for the rest of the year.

The first point of success I commend myself for in the letter is treating my body as "a temple".  The change in you was so drastic. Before you put anything into your mouth, you checked the ingredients, the fats, the sugars...everything.  I actually did do this for a while.... but then the summer hit, and well... you all know what happened after that.  My body was no longer a temple, more like a dumping ground.  The more fat, sugar, and processed crap the better. 

Next, I discuss my exercise.  With the healthy lifestyle came a Joanna that LOVED to exercise.  This, also, rings true for a few months - here and there.  I remember starting a lot of new programs.... I actually joined a gym for a few months, I did Yoga for a few months, I tried out several new at home plans....never finished any of them.  The gym membership came before I graduated - and still had some money to pay for the membership.  Everything else came after...in an attempt to make up for not being able to go to the gym.  Well, until June anyway....then I lost all desire to work out.  I made it through half the year, at least.

You decided to put the training to good use, and RAN (yes, ran) your first 5K in April in a little over 35 minutes.  Almost true.  I did run my first 5K (of 2011) in April.  Although, I didn't run the whole thing, I ran WAY more than I did the year before.  This was truly an exciting day for me.  I didn't finish in the 35 minutes - but I beat 45 minutes....and kicked my time from last year to the curb.

That one race really fueled your fire, and you ran 3 more 5Ks over the course of year - finishing the last one in 26mins!!  I ran another 5K exactly one week later.  It wasn't near as good as the first one, but I ran it with one of my 2nd grade students - and had a good time.  It was VERY hot, and it was in the evening....AND there were more excuses for why I didn't do so well... but I finished.  That was the last 5K to date.  I haven't even ran 5K at the track...in fact, I haven't run 1K at the track in the past two months. 

After that run, you decided you wanted to start training for a 1/2 marathon.  Train for a 1/2 marathon?  Yeah, definitely didn't happen.  It's something I've thought about....thought how crazy I was for thinking it.  Sorry, Future Me but this was lost in the wind somewhere between May 1st and the realization that the summer was going to bring on the hottest temps in history....and the fact that I was lazy and full of excuses.  I'm thinking this might be something Future Me 2013 and Future Me 2014 might want to get together to discuss.

This was the part that I was looking for in the post... the topic of finding a job.  This is what Future Me had told me:  Oh, want some more good news? You got a teaching job!! Yes, I know, you was so worried about whether or not you'd find a job after graduating from college - and you did. It took some time, but the offer finally came and you are now a teacher!!

I wanted to see what insight Future Me had given me about my job hunt.  In actuality, this was the one part of the entire letter that Future Me hit on the head.  Future Me didn't say I was teaching in a public school - she said I got a teaching job.  It took time.  Finally the offer came.  As of Monday, I will be a teacher. 

Now, everyone knows my feelings as of late with my teaching offer.  Is it what I had expected or set my heart on?  No.  However, I haven't been fair - I've acted more like a spoiled brat who didn't get the name brand sneakers she wanted...instead she got a pair that was just as good, just not as expensive.

I have absolutely no idea what it's going to be like teaching Pre-K.  I have no right to pout and whine and complain.  Boo hoo - it's not working in the public schools.  It all comes down to an inflated ego that somehow made me think that I was supposed to be teaching in a K-4 classroom.  That's not the definition of teaching.  Regardless of what my classroom looks like, what classroom it's in, or the age of the kids that will be my "students" I will be teaching this coming school year! 

Moving on....That brings me to the next thing - I bet you're wondering what you look like in 2012, huh? You reached your goal weight of 145lbs by October. You lost 80lbs in 10 months!! You started out losing a lot of weight - and hit Onderland in March.  Yeah...obviously that didn't happen - and isn't going to happen.  What I actually hit in March was a brick wall that just continued to get higher and higher.  Right now, I'm only 6lbs lighter than the day I wrote the letter from Future Me.  Who do I have to blame?  Myself.  Was it possible?  Of course it was - but I chose to crawl in to a bed of self pity....and have been sleeping in it ever since.

The rest of the letter goes on about how wonderful I look, how strong I've grown, and how much I accomplished.  None of it being close to what has actually taken place in the past 8 months.

Now - the point of this post isn't to whine and complain about my failures.  It's my way of confronting those failures...shedding some light on missed opportunities and falling off the wagon.  It's Part 1 to what I'm planning on doing tomorrow.  Starting over...again.

I received two comments on my blog yesterday that I read before I went to bed last night.  It was these comments that redirected my focus for this blog post...and the one that follows tomorrow.  In honesty, I had totally planned on getting on here this morning and bashing myself about how horrible my year has been.  Right now, it may seem like I did that very thing.... but once you see tomorrow's post hopefully you won't feel that way anymore.

The first comment was this one in response to the post about feeling ungrateful:

Joanne, I have been thinking about this post and wanted to say the right thing. First of all, I understand how you feel, if that helps. As a high school teacher, I was placed in a grade two classroom and I questioned if I would like it.  "Was it going to be intellectual enough?" I wondered. "Would I be bored?" I pondered. But I went ahead anyways. It was a job and I wasn't in a position to turn it down. And I loved it. Sure, it was not what I had planned. But the joy of teaching was there.

You are a teacher. Period. You will teach. In that little Pre-K classroom, you will teach, and the joy of teaching will carry you through. Can you still dream about your perfect K-4 classroom? Definitely! And with your passion, you will most likely get it.  But this year, teach, to the very best of your ability. You will learn TONS and you will take all that experience and wisdom to wherever your next job is ... ENJOY and start planning, girl!!!!! Lots of hugs!!!!  PrairiePrincess

The second comment came from my dear friend Draz, and she just has a way of knocking my thick head with the truth....she wrote in response to yesterday's confessions....

Listen up - here's some tough love. You do NOT have to blog about anything - even if you said you would. I'm supposed to be a weight loss blog - um - I rarely do. Meh - it is what it is. Second - Joanna - stop it about the job. NO ONE is getting jobs in this economy - but YOU did - TWO offers...because you are so wanted. I want you to start a grateful journal. Each night - three things you are grateful for. Every night for a month and see if it changes how you feel. Third - LOVE yourself for who you are - good, bad, sad, happy, 2 lbs up or down, teacher, mother, wife or pissed off woman of the day - whoever you are, whatever you feel - it's yours - not right or wrong or anything to apologize for. It is beautiful - because it is you. Love you.

I went to bed last night and did exactly what Draz asked me to do....and I already feel better.

So, even though this post is a little of a downer....just keep in mind that it's just to set the scene for what's coming tomorrow.  Things are a changin'.  Reading comments like that - and there have been others - makes me realize that there are people out there that care....and are willing to smack me upside my solid head with the truth.  I need to hear it.  I need to do something about it.  And that's exactly what I plan on doing.....Make sure you tune in tomorrow!!

Till next time. ;)

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True Confessions Tuesday

 

Yes, folks, it's that time once again to let off some steam, confess your sins, and take a load off your mind.  It's time for True Confessions Tuesday!!!

 

I confess that I didn't write a blog post yesterday cause I really didn't have that much to write about - and I was making a last effort attempt to talk to a principle about a teaching job.  Nothing came of it, but I did get the chance to see a couple of teaching friends that I haven't seen in a long time - and I enjoyed spending some time with them.

I confess that this week has already been really tough for me - and it's only Tuesday!!  I'm dealing with some tough stuff with Butter - and it's stressing me out.  It's not a great way to start the week - I can only hope that things get better from here.

I confess that I was really happy - and very shocked - when I stood on the scale this morning and saw that I've lost 2lbs.  Yep, I saw 221.4lbs.  I do know that I've been trying harder with my eating - so apparently it's helping.  It was a nice way to start my day.

I confess that I've never been more happy to see rain than I did last night while it was storming.  I actually considered running outside and dancing a happy jig - until I saw the bursts of lightning, and figured with my luck - I'd get struck by lightning.

I confess that when I saw the temps this week are only supposed to get as high as 96, I got equally as excited as I was with the rain.  My first thought?  Oh, yeah - I'm going running this week.  Can you believe it?  I might actually take my lazy behind to the track this week!! 

I confess that, this morning, as I read an old blog post that I wrote back in January I couldn't help but feel this overwhelming sense of disappointment.  I'll be doing a whole blog post on it tomorrow - but it really put in to perspective how I really have let myself go this year.

I confess that I'm still drowning in the feeling of guilt - from being disappointed that I couldn't find a job in the public schools.  Even though I've accepted that I'm going to be teaching pre-K, and that it will be a new and exciting adventure - it hasn't stopped me harassing principles about other jobs that are coming available.  I think I'm just torturing myself even worse by doing that... it's time to get over it, accept the position I have, and move on.  I know you all agree.

On that note, I confess that it's very frustrating that jobs are filled before they are posted on school websites.  Why bother?  I mean, really - isn't it more trouble for the principle to receive hundreds of resumes, emails, and phone calls for a job that was filled before it was even posted?  It would just make more sense, in my mind, to not even post it.  No one will know.

I confess that I can't believe I've actually gained a few followers over the past couple of days.  People actually like reading this stuff?  Who knew?  I was so worried I'd wake up one day and find that I've lost about 50 followers.  To my new followers: WELCOME!!

I also confess that I'm going to try really hard to push myself back into blogging about weight loss... you know, like I promised to do last week.  I haven't kept my promise - but I'm trying...really, I am. 

Lastly, I confess that it's taken me close to two hours to write this post because I've been racking my brain about what to confess about.  Ugh, what has my life come to where I actually have to think for so long about what to confess?  AND, I couldn't think of a single funny confession.

That's it - I'm going to start doing something crazy this week.... just so I have better material next week.

OK, your turn.  Got some things to get off your chest?  Then confess!!  I'd love to hear them.

Till next time. ;)

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