Wishful Shopping

For the past couple of days, I've been walking on a fence.

I'm getting very excited about seeing all of the spring/ summer clothes appearing in every store - but I just don't want to buy anything.

I realized a couple of days ago that I have no warmer weather clothing that fits me this year.  I had to say goodbye to my enormous (no pun intended) summer clothing collection a few months ago.

Last summer, I bought capris in size 20s and then realized they were too big and had to wear a belt with them.  Then I bought some size 18s.  They all had to go before Christmas...because even a belt wasn't really helping - and they just looked way too big.

Now, I'm in a size 16.  That's what my pants are - and they fit well.

My dilemma now becomes - do I buy spring clothes in size 16? 

I could - but I don't want to.

I broke down the other day, when finding a very cute pair of khaki capris for the super low price of $3 (can't beat that)...however they are size 14s.

I tried them on when I got home - and I got them up...but I could not even get the zipper close enough to even think about zipping them.

So, I'm on a fence.

Do I just wait and see what happens in the next month or so....is it possible that I could shed enough pounds before the heat really kicks in to fit in to a size 14?

Maybe I buy just one or two pairs of capris in size 16?

It's frustrating.  As much as I want to be in a size 14 - and feel that it's very possible in the next couple of months....do I really want to wait it out?  The weather has already crept up to 70 a few days in the past week....I'm sure it's only going to be like that from here on out.

I guess it could be an added motivation... buy some size 14s and work my behind off to get in to them...not giving in until I hear the sweet sound of "zzziiiippp".

The difference between a size 16 and a size 14 is HUGE.... let me tell you why...

In the clothing stores where I live, size 16s are located in the Plus Size section of the store.  Size 14s are located in the women's section of the store.

It would mean the official jump from plus size to "normal" size.

I will share that I bought two pairs of stretch capris last weekend - for working out.  I bought them in the "women's" department..NOT in the plus size section.  Yes, I bought X-Large - but that translates to a size 14-16.  They fit - very well, I might add.  Sure, they're made of stretchy material...but they're not super tight, either.

Being an unpaid intern means money is extremely tight.  I am on a budget.  I have to be careful when shopping.  It's hard to think about buying clothing that I might only wear a month or two.  That could be the case in this situation.  If I start out with size 16s...I could only be wearing them for a couple of months.  Then I buy size 14s...and it's not long before the weather is cooling down and I'm looking for warmer clothes.

Don't think this post is a rant - because I'm not upset.  I'm actually really happy to be in this dillema.  Before last year, I kept the same summer wardrobe for the previous 5 or 6 years.  I never had to worry about buying new clothes...because my size 24s and 26s fit year after year.  I didn't have to worry about style - because, come on...the last thing I was thinking about was displaying my huge butt in the top of line clothing.  Just having shorts or capris that fit - and having the cahones to wear them out in public (which I often didn't) was enough.

Now, I want to flaunt my success.  Wearing capris and shorts - now that I'm 4 sizes smaller is a HUGE victory.  I'm now thinking about style - how I will look. 

Two years ago, the thought of going clothes shopping made me sick to my stomach...I knew I was heading for a day of frustration, anger, and sadness because everything I tried on looked terrible.

Now, I love going clothes shopping.  I love seeing the changes I'm making.  I love having people say "wow, you look amazing" or "my goodness, you don't even look like the same person".

That reminds me - I have a great story to share with you.

On Thursday, I got to see a doctor that I worked with 8 years ago.  I have not seen him since.  When I walked in to his office - he had no idea who I was.  He told me that Butter (he is Butter's new doctor) had mentioned to him that I knew him...but he couldn't figure out from where.

I told him that I worked with him.  He asked for my name.  I gave it to him.  His mouth hit the floor.

In his sweetest of voices he said "I hope I don't sound offensive, but am I right in thinking that when you worked for me you was a woman of a very large size?"  I laughed and said "yep, that was me".  Mouth back to floor.

He sat there for a long time shaking his head.  Long enough that I started to feel a little uncomforable - and I guess he noticed.  He apologized and told me that he just could not believe how different I looked.  He told me that I looked amazing, and asked how I had managed to lose "all" of the weight.  I told him that I still had a ways to go...but I had just started eating healthier and working out and the weight started falling off.

He recollected my having to miss work because I was having a "bad knee day" or having to sit down frequently at work because it was hard for me to be on my feet too long.  He openly admitted the worry he had for me back then - being in my early twenties and being so overweight.  We discussed my love for American Idol - and that I had won a trip to go and see an AI taping in California...and how upset I was about finding clothes to wear.  We talked for a long time.... but it was nice.  Seeing that kind of reaction - from a doctor no less - made it really set into my heart why I'm doing what I'm doing.

OK - so I digress...back to shopping...

So - what would you do if you were me?

Should I hold off another month?
Should I buy just a couple of things in size 16?

Till next time. ;)

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Dear Scale,

I am just writing because I would like to know WHAT HAPPENED between us? 

We have had our ups and downs...but for the past month - we've really had some great times.  Then, without warning, rhyme, or reason you turn your back on me.

I'm not sure, but maybe you're a little jealous of BodyBugg.  Is that it?  Do you feel that you've been replaced or pushed down my friendship ladder because BodyBugg is with me all of the time?

You should know that I've always cared about your opinion - even though sometimes I pretend I don't.  What you have to say is important - my whole day and week often depends on what you have to say.

I don't like it that BodyBugg and you are fighting, also.  She tells me one thing, and lately you have counteracted everything she has to say.  WHY?

Don't you get it? When I bought BodyBugg, it was to help you and I both out.  She was there to guide me so that the conversations between you and I would be more meaningful, more celebratory...that we could really work on building a great relationship....get over the rocky feelings I had about you from the past.

You are not being much of a team player right now - and I don't like it.

So, as of today, I would like for you and BodyBugg to put your differences aside.  It's time to get on the same page.  I want you both working together as a team.  I need you both - and I won't be put in the position to choose between you.  I can't live without her, and I certainly can't live without you.

I accept some responsibility in our fight.  Maybe I've been pushing you too much, talking to you too often. Maybe I should give you a couple of days to cool down - and see if things are better between us by Monday.  Friends often need space - time to clear their minds and figure out what went wrong...and I want us to do the same.

On Monday, I will come and talk to you - see if you're feeling better about our relationship.  I promise to listen to what you have to say, then, without cursing.  I know I have had some pretty harsh words to say to you the past couple of days - but in my defense, what you had to say hurt too.  When I hear the words that have been coming from your mouth - they make me want to cry.  Is that really how you speak to a friend?  I know I shouldn't have retaliated the way I did - but come on...you haven't exactly been playing fair.

I promise to leave you alone for the next couple of days - if you can promise to rethink some of the things you have said to me the last couple of days.  I promise to work hard over these next couple of days to really help make things easier for our conversation Monday morning.

I can't lose you as a friend.

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Quick Update - No More Personal Posts Here

After posting my dream story this morning....I felt a little disturbed.

Of course I was disturbed from the dream...but I also felt a little uncomfortable posting about it.

It wasn't so much of the sharing - that I don't mind at all.  It's the inner struggle I have every time I write a personal post here, on my weight loss blog.

So - I decided to completely restart the "other" blog I created a few weeks ago.

From this day forward, I will be keeping the topics of my posts here focused on my weight loss.

Will there be personal posts?  Sure.  If it has some relation to my weight loss.

For everything else - I will now be posting at my other blog:  Traveling My Mind.

I want to share personal stories.  I want to vent frustrations about school projects.  I want to share how my classroom experiences are going...the friends I'm making, the struggles I'm facing, the funny things that kids say.

I just don't think this blog is the right place to do it.

So, if you want to know what's going on in my life outside of my weight loss journey - come visit me on my other blog.

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OK Mind, I Get the Hint

Very rarely do I remember my dreams.

There are occasions, after hitting the snooze button on the alarm, I will drift back to slumberland and a random dream will float in to my head that I remember seven minutes later...when the alarm goes off again. 

Last night was different.

I had a dream.  Not the Martin Luther King, Jr. version.

I feel asleep on the couch last night - not sure what time.  I woke up at 3am and took myself to the comforts of my actual bed.  Sometime after that point - the dream started.

I dreamt I was sitting in my office - doing basically what I'm doing at this very minute. 

I heard the kids playing in the living room.

It's not unusual to hear the calls of "Mom, can I have..." when it's the real-world...and the same happened in my dream.

Then, in the dream, I heard Butter say "Mom".  Just that one word.  For some reason, it felt weird.  There was no urgency to the word.  It wasn't a scream, or a yell....more of a statement... "Mom".

I continued to type and quickly realized that I no longer heard the kids playing.

I started to walk into the living room - and they weren't there.  I checked their bedrooms...not there either.  Then the front door opened, slightly, and I saw a car start to pull out of the driveway.

I rushed out of the door, and I saw my kids beating on the back window of the mysterious car as it drove away.  It looked like they were screaming - but I heard nothing. 

My heart started pounding, and I started to scream....and the car sped up.

Then, I somehow managed to transform into some gun slinging superhero - and started shooting the tires on the car.

**Let me insert here that I HATE guns.  I won't even put one in my hand - in real life - but in this situation, I was able to shoot the tires as if I'd been shooting my whole life.**

The car swerved and stopped.

I ran to the car - and pulled the door open.  The kids sat there looking at me.  No emotion.  No joy.  Not crying.  Just sitting there looking at me.

The next part is kind of a blur - but police cars started to show up and the person driving the car was pulled out.  I couldn't see his face - if it was a him.  I just heard him say over and over "I was trying to rescue the children".

There were people everywhere - but no sign of the kids.  I kept asking people where they were - why they wouldn't let me see them...but they just ignored me and kept about their business.  I asked the police - and they just looked at me...no response.

I started running around, trying to find them.  I couldn't.

Hubby appeared with Jelly in his arms.  She looked different.  Her eyes were painted black.  Not sure why - they just were - with a white X painted over them.

I put my hands out to take her - but she turned away.  He pulled her away.  She clung to him...and he walked right past me.

Then I saw Peanut.  She was talking to a police officer.  As I started to walk towards them, the police officer stood between her and me - with his back to me.  As I walked around him, he put his arm up to stop me...and Peanut began to walk away.  She looked back at me - and I noticed, then, that her eyes looked the same as Jelly's had a moment ago.  I tried to fight the officer, but he held on tight...and she just walked away.  I called out to her - but she didn't turn around again.

Then, a van pulled in to the driveway - and out jumped some of my second grade students.  They ran towards me and hugged me.

As I looked up, I saw Peanut, Butter, and Jelly getting in to the same van.  Peanut looked back, gave a small smile and then got in to the van.

Then Jelly started to scream.  She was crying "I want Mommy, PLEASE Mommy!"

I looked at my students.  They were smiling, they were happy - they seemed oblivious to what was going on around them...police cars, people everywhere, my kids getting in to the van, my little Jelly screaming bloody murder - they just smiled and hugged me.

The van started to drive away - the kids looking back.  They were all crying now - waving - Hubby was pounding on the van door telling them that they were going to be OK.  I tried to free myself from the second graders - but I couldn't.  I was stuck...I couldn't move....the van pulled out...and I woke-up.

I woke up with my heart pounding.  Tears running down my cheeks. 

That dream had sent shivers down my spine - nasty pains in my chest.  It took several minutes to collect myself and then I heard "Mom".  No urgency.  Just a statement.

I jumped up - and there was Butter standing at my bedroom door.  He looked at me, a little confused, and said "it's time to get up, Mom".

Isn't it amazing how our heads filter our feelings and display them?

I believe, for the most part, that nothing should really be taken from dreams...just the unconscious mind running clips of thought processes and muddling them up to reveal an often humorous portrayal of our thoughts.

Until dreams like the one I had last night appears.

I can't think for one second that my subconscious mind wasn't trying to tell me something.

For almost two weeks I've whined about how much I miss "my" second graders.

For almost a month, I've been locking myself in my office working on homework and school projects.

Where have my kids been in all of that?  How much of my time has been spent whining about how much I miss my own kids, or giving up just a couple of hours to spend with them?

Well, don't worry mind - I hear ya, loud and clear.  I feel ashamed that my subconscious had to send that little wake-up call...but I'm glad it did.  My kids come first - ALWAYS!

Yes, I love being a teacher.  I do miss my second graders very much....but I miss my kids more.  They need me first - and I am going to be there for them.

School is important.  My career is important.  Building relationships with my students is important.  Being able to do all of that and be a great mom is the most important.

My kids understand that Mommy is working hard to build a better life for them - but there are no excuses allowed.  If I have to be up in the middle of the night working on homework so I can spend time with the kids in the evening - that's what I'll keep on doing. 

I am a good mother.  I love my kids very much.  I am busy, yes, but never too busy for my children...and thanks to the dream I had last night, I will never forget that.

Till next time.  ;)

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Weigh to Wednesday: Please Be Water Weight!!

Really did not get the result this morning that I'd hoped for....I got what I expected - but I had hoped.

I'm upset today.  It's not just about what the scale said.  It's about knowing that I have a partner that's counting on me for this challenge.  It's knowing that I managed my calories in and out carefully - had good deficits all week....but still end up with a number I don't like.  It's knowing that it's probably stress and a lack of sleep that's causing my scale to be mean - and show me what happens when I do this to myself.

I made the comment a few hours ago, in my last post, that the scale doesn't reflect my progress...which is true...unless you're weighing in for a weight loss challenge.

So...here are the numbers for today:

Challenge Start Weight:  215.6lbs
Weight Last Week:  214.6lbs
Weight This Week:  215.2lbs

I gained 0.6lbs.  :(

I'm never happy with a gain. No "well, you're probably gaining muscle" or "it's probably water weight" makes me feel any better....but they're probably both true.

This past week, I didn't work out as often as I planned -but I did work out.  Last Wednesday, I worked out with a personal trainer...and he had me lifting weights like crazy.  Saturday and Sunday I ran my little heart out.  Monday I went to the gym and got in some solid weight work.  Monday and Tuesday I drank close to 2 gallons of water.  Could it be muscle and water weight?  Sure, it could....but it doesn't take away the feeling. 

My only hope is that my body needs to adjust a little this week...get used to the large amounts of water that I'm finally consuming, get used to the fact that I've upped my game in the weight training realm, and maybe...just maybe...I can pull a much better number next week.

I know that last night while watching the women weigh in for the Biggest Loser, I felt a little comfort.  Seeing those girls work out as hard as they do - and pull the numbers that they did - gave me a little hope that I'm just having an off week and I'll be back on my game this time next week.

Despite having a staff meeting after work today and then having to go to my college campus to print out my senior project - I still plan on going to the gym for my work-out this evening.  I have no reason not to.  I don't have to worry about picking Jelly up for one more day...nothing to rush home for...just a chance to get some of my frustration out - and I plan on taking that chance.

Well, it's time to get ready for another day.  Time to get over my little pity party - and start working on next week's kick @ss weigh-in.

GO TEAM GENERATION DETERMINATION!!

Till next time. ;)

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Whatever's on My Mind

These past couple of weeks, I've been so stressed, tired, and mentally drained - it's been really hard to come up with topics for my blog.  So, today - you're getting a declutter of my mind.  An explosion of thoughts and feelings - not planned, not prepared....just whatever's on my mind.

A month ago, I was promising that I wouldn't let school work get in the way of my work-out and healthy eating dedication.  I'm trying.  It's hard.  When I'm going to bed late and getting up at 2:30am just to find the hours to fit in more homework - there's a good chance that I'm going to have to miss a work-out here and there.

I'm not happy about it.

I took the time to run both Saturday and Sunday - and I'm proud of the progress I made.  I went to the gym yesterday - but I was so exhausted from the weekend....I didn't exactly give my work-out a 110%...more like 75%.

I can say that I've been drinking a TON of water the past couple of days.  Almost 2 gallons to be exact.  I'm trying something new - ionized water.  There's a parent at my internship school that gives away bottles of ionized water...and I figured I'd try it out.

Well, she dropped me off two gallons yesterday, after I downed 1/2 gallon of my mentor's water...and I have less than 1/2 gallon left of the two I was given. 

I'm not really sold on the hype that surrounds ionized water - but it is convenient to have a water delivery every couple of days to keep in my classroom.  And I will say that I can't stop drinking it.  For some reason it makes me thirsty when I drink it...and I want more...and more...and more.  Also, I get a strange feeling after drinking it....it's kind of hard to describe.  Think caffeine jitters and goosebumps.  I'm not sure what to make of it, but it's helping me keep my water goal of drinking 60-80ozs a day.

I did finally finish my senior project - at 5am this morning.  It's only taken me 2 weeks to complete...but now I'm done.  Even though the 47 pages of reflections and analysis are complete - I now have to make a 13 minute presentation to share with my fellow seniors next Wednesday.  Making presentations are pretty easy for me - I can work PowerPoint pretty well....but the fact that I'm supposed to have it mostly completed by tomorrow is a different story.  I'm thinking that's not going to happen...but we'll see what I can do in the next two hours before heading off to bed.

Right now, my head is spinning in a million different directions - but I'm sure of one thing...I have to make it work.  I've been seeing great progress over the past couple of weeks, and I don't want to lose the momentum.  I'm used to this kind of stress.  I'm used to this kind of pressure.  Being able to work through it and still keep my mind focused on my weight loss is the challenge.  It's something I'm working on the best that I can. 

I accept the fact that there will be days where I can't make it to the gym - opting to go for a run to save time is just as good.  I am not failing as long as I make accommodations.

There may be days where I work for so many hours that I am too tired to work out.  Getting some rest is not failing.  It's preparing my body to do the best it can the next day - when the fight is back in me.

I know that there are going to be days when it's easier or more convenient to grab food without weighing the consequences that "fast food" may bring.  I know that I am strong enough to get through those days because I plan and prepare.  Taking five minutes to pack food for the day is worth it.

My scale doesn't represent my progress.  I'm guilty of stepping on the scale each day - and often shocked by the number I see.  I know I'm working as hard as I can, right now.  I know I'm maintaining my calorie deficit.  I know my clothes are fitting better and are getting looser. 

I know that after next week, the pressure and stress of homework will be gone.  It will be replaced with the stress of trying to find a job....but that kind of stress won't take tedious amounts of hours from my day.  I will be able to use the stress to my advantage....going to the gym or the track to clear my mind and help me destress.

In a few short weeks I will be *hopefully* attending interviews.  I plan on going in to those interviews proud of the accomplishments I've made.  I am becoming  a new person.  I am a new person.  I am a person that is 82lbs lighter.  I am fitter.  I am stronger.  I am more determined than ever to finish my journey - and walk in to my new classroom a lean, mean, teaching machine.

OK - I've finished my brain vomit....I feel much better. 

Time for some much needed sleep.

Till next time. ;)

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Mini Goal Monday: Hard Work is in My Future

Monday.  The day of the week that tells you the weekend went by too fast, and there's still five more days until it's time to enjoy the weekend, again.

Monday is also the day that I start over.  Develop a new set of goals.  Focus on what I can achieve in the coming week.

Before I get to that, let me tell you about my weekend.  Not all of it.  Just the exercise portion.

Saturday, I was so busy, I decided instead of going to the gym - I would go for a run instead.  A trip to the gym takes about 3 hours out of my Saturday, but the time I drive there, change, work-out for an hour, shower, and then drive home.  A trip to the track takes about an hour. 

Due to the fact that I haven't been as consistent with my running as I wanted the past couple of weeks, I decided on Saturday to once again repeat Week 4 of C25K - which consists of 4 min jog/ 1 min walk intervals. 

I really wanted to clear my mind during my run.  My school projects have had a heavy toll on me - and I just needed a break.  It wasn't about the exercise, but getting out in the fresh air and focusing on something else for a while.  I didn't even mind that it was only 32 degrees outside.

I started my running.  Was feeling my body warm up.  Was getting a pretty good pace.  Then, my mind took over and all I could think about was the dang project and interviewing for a job.  UGH!!  I'm running.  I'm thinking.  I'm not focusing on the running.  That was until I realized that I had skipped my minute walk interval.  Yep, ran straight threw it and was half way in to the next running session.  It was that point I realized - I'm done with Week 4....I can run longer than 4 minutes.

Yesterday, I decided to head to the track again.  I wanted to move up to Week 5: 8 min jogs/ 2 min intervals.  Before my run Saturday, I just didn't think I'd be ready for an 8 min jog for a while.  Then, after my "oversight" I figured what the heck..might as well try it.  Well, I did it!!  I was able to run three 8 min jog/ 2 min walk intervals.  I also managed to complete 2.26 miles in almost the same time it took to complete 1.9 miles the day before.  I also received my fastest pace time of 14:28 per mile.  The first run was a struggle - but the other two I completed pretty easily.  Easily enough for me to know that by next Sunday, I'll be able to jump up to the 12 min jog intervals.

So - now it's time to get to the what I plan on doing this week.  I have been given an opportunity that I don't intend on wasting.  My lil girl, Jelly, has gone to spend a few days with her Grandma.  That means, for two days this week I don't have to worry about rushing off from the gym to go and pick her up from daycare.  Tuesday, I have to go to a meeting at Butter's school - but today and Wednesday I can spend as long as I need to at the gym...and I'm excited about it.

Without further ado - here's my goal list for the week:

• Full 1 hour work-out at the gym Monday/ Wednesday/Saturday
• Run Friday (8 min jog/ 2 min walk) and Sunday (12 min jog/ 2 min walk)
• Push myself during all my gym work-outs to muscle failure
• Work on increasing pace time at gym on the treadmill
• Drink 60 - 80ozs of water each day
• Eat 3 meals and 2 snacks per day

I really want to work on that last one.  Since my change over to kindergarten - my eating hasn't been the best.  Not the foods I'm eating - just the eating in general.  The schedule is so much different that what I got used to...and my calorie intake last week was much lower than it should have been.  I am now planning on eating my breakfast once I get to school, a snack during my first break, lunch during recess time (1pm), and a snack before I head to the gym at 3pm.

Oh, and a quick side note.  My first week in kindergarten was great.  I have, yet again, another AWESOME mentor teacher.  I like her, a lot.  We seem to get along very well - and we're having a great time getting to know one another.  This placement is going to fly by - I know it - but I'm now glad that I've been given this opportunity.  Kindergarten's not as bad as I thought it would be - it's, actually, not bad at all.

OK, everyone enjoy your Monday.

Till next time. ;)

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