There are occasions, after hitting the snooze button on the alarm, I will drift back to slumberland and a random dream will float in to my head that I remember seven minutes later...when the alarm goes off again.
Last night was different.
I had a dream. Not the Martin Luther King, Jr. version.
I feel asleep on the couch last night - not sure what time. I woke up at 3am and took myself to the comforts of my actual bed. Sometime after that point - the dream started.
I dreamt I was sitting in my office - doing basically what I'm doing at this very minute.
I heard the kids playing in the living room.
It's not unusual to hear the calls of "Mom, can I have..." when it's the real-world...and the same happened in my dream.
Then, in the dream, I heard Butter say "Mom". Just that one word. For some reason, it felt weird. There was no urgency to the word. It wasn't a scream, or a yell....more of a statement... "Mom".
I continued to type and quickly realized that I no longer heard the kids playing.
I started to walk into the living room - and they weren't there. I checked their bedrooms...not there either. Then the front door opened, slightly, and I saw a car start to pull out of the driveway.
I rushed out of the door, and I saw my kids beating on the back window of the mysterious car as it drove away. It looked like they were screaming - but I heard nothing.
My heart started pounding, and I started to scream....and the car sped up.
Then, I somehow managed to transform into some gun slinging superhero - and started shooting the tires on the car.
**Let me insert here that I HATE guns. I won't even put one in my hand - in real life - but in this situation, I was able to shoot the tires as if I'd been shooting my whole life.**
The car swerved and stopped.
I ran to the car - and pulled the door open. The kids sat there looking at me. No emotion. No joy. Not crying. Just sitting there looking at me.
The next part is kind of a blur - but police cars started to show up and the person driving the car was pulled out. I couldn't see his face - if it was a him. I just heard him say over and over "I was trying to rescue the children".
There were people everywhere - but no sign of the kids. I kept asking people where they were - why they wouldn't let me see them...but they just ignored me and kept about their business. I asked the police - and they just looked at me...no response.
I started running around, trying to find them. I couldn't.
Hubby appeared with Jelly in his arms. She looked different. Her eyes were painted black. Not sure why - they just were - with a white X painted over them.
I put my hands out to take her - but she turned away. He pulled her away. She clung to him...and he walked right past me.
Then I saw Peanut. She was talking to a police officer. As I started to walk towards them, the police officer stood between her and me - with his back to me. As I walked around him, he put his arm up to stop me...and Peanut began to walk away. She looked back at me - and I noticed, then, that her eyes looked the same as Jelly's had a moment ago. I tried to fight the officer, but he held on tight...and she just walked away. I called out to her - but she didn't turn around again.
Then, a van pulled in to the driveway - and out jumped some of my second grade students. They ran towards me and hugged me.
As I looked up, I saw Peanut, Butter, and Jelly getting in to the same van. Peanut looked back, gave a small smile and then got in to the van.
Then Jelly started to scream. She was crying "I want Mommy, PLEASE Mommy!"
I looked at my students. They were smiling, they were happy - they seemed oblivious to what was going on around them...police cars, people everywhere, my kids getting in to the van, my little Jelly screaming bloody murder - they just smiled and hugged me.
The van started to drive away - the kids looking back. They were all crying now - waving - Hubby was pounding on the van door telling them that they were going to be OK. I tried to free myself from the second graders - but I couldn't. I was stuck...I couldn't move....the van pulled out...and I woke-up.
I woke up with my heart pounding. Tears running down my cheeks.
That dream had sent shivers down my spine - nasty pains in my chest. It took several minutes to collect myself and then I heard "Mom". No urgency. Just a statement.
I jumped up - and there was Butter standing at my bedroom door. He looked at me, a little confused, and said "it's time to get up, Mom".
Isn't it amazing how our heads filter our feelings and display them?
I believe, for the most part, that nothing should really be taken from dreams...just the unconscious mind running clips of thought processes and muddling them up to reveal an often humorous portrayal of our thoughts.
Until dreams like the one I had last night appears.
I can't think for one second that my subconscious mind wasn't trying to tell me something.
For almost two weeks I've whined about how much I miss "my" second graders.
For almost a month, I've been locking myself in my office working on homework and school projects.
Where have my kids been in all of that? How much of my time has been spent whining about how much I miss my own kids, or giving up just a couple of hours to spend with them?
Well, don't worry mind - I hear ya, loud and clear. I feel ashamed that my subconscious had to send that little wake-up call...but I'm glad it did. My kids come first - ALWAYS!
Yes, I love being a teacher. I do miss my second graders very much....but I miss my kids more. They need me first - and I am going to be there for them.
School is important. My career is important. Building relationships with my students is important. Being able to do all of that and be a great mom is the most important.
My kids understand that Mommy is working hard to build a better life for them - but there are no excuses allowed. If I have to be up in the middle of the night working on homework so I can spend time with the kids in the evening - that's what I'll keep on doing.
I am a good mother. I love my kids very much. I am busy, yes, but never too busy for my children...and thanks to the dream I had last night, I will never forget that.
Till next time. ;)
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