Friday, March 25, 2011

Am I Ready for Hot?

The inspiration for today's post came from reading my friend and challenge partner, Adah's blog about her amazing husband. 

Yesterday, I wrote a post about the great motivation I received from my Hubby this week...and as I was writing my post, she was writing hers.  It's weird that we're both on the same brain waves.

Anywho, I love how amazing her husband is - but it's not that part that sparked the idea for today's post.  It was a line of her post that said "I haven’t been HOT in my mind for years (and I’m still having a hard time with that)!  He always tells me I look nice or pretty but for some reason HOT got my attention!"

As I read those words, I thought about the vocabulary that I use to describe myself.  Words such as hot are definitely not one of those words.  I tell people I look "better".  I tell people I feel better about myself.  Better than I was?  Well, I never really thought myself as sexy or better?  That really means "thinner". 

Nice - that's a word I use quite a bit.  When I get dressed, I think I look "nice".  The clothes look good - I don't cringe at the sight of myself in the mirror...yep, I look "nice".

Pretty?  That's on the edge with me.  I don't think I'm ugly.  Even at my heaviest, I wouldn't describe myself as ugly.  Fat? Yes.  Ugly? No.  Pretty?  I don't know.   Average looking?  That's more like it.  I have never thought of myself as beautiful...I have good qualities and not so good qualities when I think about myself.  Then, I have to think, what does "average looking" mean?

In my mind, "average" means I blend in.  I don't stick out.  I'm not going to get second glances...I can walk through a crowd of people and not a single one of them will notice me.  Back when I was close to 300lbs, I was always insecure about that feeling.  Were people looking at me and thinking "holy cow, look at the size of that?"  Once the number began to fall, I was happy with dispelling that feeling...I was totally content if I could go out and not a single person even notice me.

Now, things are a little different.  I feel different.  I'm so proud of what I have accomplished already.  I'm not so sure if I'm OK with being "average" anymore.  Deep inside the pit of my stomach, I don't want to go unnoticed.  I want to stand out - in a good way.  I want people to look at me and think "wow, she looks great!"  I want to be able to walk through a crowd of people and notice that one or two of them shoot me a second glance.  Dare I say, I love to go out with some friends and have a guy buy me a drink or offer his phone number. 

I know what you're thinking - why does that matter?  I'm in a wonderful and happy relationship.  I shouldn't be worrying what other people think about me.  I definitely shouldn't be thinking about other guys hitting on me - why on earth would I want such a thing?

I'll tell you why - because I'm done with being "average", I want to be...dare I say...HOT!

Yikes, just hearing that word sends butterflies to my stomach.  Hot? Me?  Am I ready for that?  Have I done enough to even contemplate using the word "hot" to describe myself?

Again - I know what you're going to say....I don't need anyone else to make me feel that way.  Yeah, that may be true - but having some confirmation from other people sure does help.  What can I say?  Maybe I want a little that so wrong?

This is another area where I have the awesomest Hubby.  He does NOT like going out.  He'd much rather stay at home with the kids while I enjoy a night out on the town.  As much as I'd love for him to come out with me - I know that's not going to happen.  I can also talk to him about my feelings.  He also knows that if a guy should give me any attention and buy me a drink - I'll come rushing through the door when I get home and tell him about it.  He'll laugh at my excitement.  He'll understand the excitement.  He'll be totally OK with it.  That is because he knows I love him more than anything in the world - and our commitment to each other is rock solid.  A guy buying me a drink is motivation for one thing and one thing only - it boosts my self would help make me feel a little more than "average". 

I will admit, my self esteem has been on the rise for a few months now.  I don't over obsess when I look in the mirror.  I can now look at myself and see my changes.  I enjoy the way certain clothes make me feel.  Yet, I still haven't been anywhere close to being able to jump on board with using the term "hot".

So, after this long winded ramble...guess what I'm doing today?  I'm going for "HOT".  Tonight, I'm going out with some gal pals.  Sanity is whisking me away for a fun night out on the town with some friends.  I could do what I always do - grab a pair of jeans, a cute shirt, throw on some make-up and hit the door.... but I'm going to try something else tonight.

I want to see if I can make myself feel hot.  Is it something that can be done?  Do I have enough confidence in what I've achieved so far?  I kind of think I do.  I have an outfit picked out.  I wore it last week to one of the senior presentations.  In that kind of environment, hot was NOT what I was going for.  However, I felt great wearing it.  I had confidence I'd never had before.  I loved the way it fit my body.  I found myself in front of the mirror thinking "wow, you look really great!" 

Tonight, I'm putting that outfit back on - with a different mindset.  I'm striving for "hotness".  I'm doing the whole enchilada...nails, hair, knee high heeled boots...

After the week I've had, I need this.  I need to step away from the scale, the meal planning, the exercise...and take a look at the big picture.  I need to forget the "average"'s time to take a chance. 

Watch out world...tonight I'm striving for HOT!  I know that it may not make sense to a lot of you - but I really do need this. 

Till next time. ;)
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