Does that statement change today? No, it doesn't. I'm still a food addict - always will be. Alcoholics never stop being alcoholics - they become "recovered alcoholics" - even if they haven't touched a drop of alcohol for twenty years.
Today, I stand before you and feel comfortable saying "Hello, my name is Joanna and I'm a recovering food addict".
Notice my use of the word recovering....I've made it a while, but not near long enough to consider myself "recovered".
Making this jump from food addict to recovering food addict didn't happen over night. Just 60 days ago, I still gave in to my desires. I binged without reason - except that the chocolate bar looked good, or the smell of pizza was too tempting to resist. I knew I shouldn't - I probably wasn't hungry when diving in head first...but I had an urge that I just couldn't control.
Then there was the emotional eating aspect - what got me into this mess in the first place. Food was my safe haven, my emotion catch all...happy, sad, stressed, depressed, celebratory...didn't matter - there was always a food that fit the situation.
So why now the sudden change?
I have been making conscious food choices for 27 days, now. Before anything goes in to my mouth I calculate my calories, I determine the desire for the food...Am I hungry? Will this satisfy my hunger? Am I eating just to eat, or because it's time for my body to receive some fuel?
Then, my food choices became less of a chore and more of a uncontrolled decision. All of a sudden, I stopped having the urges, I stopped wanting things I "shouldn't" have. I was enjoying my eating - the healthy choices - and didn't even give temptation eating a second glance. There was no struggle over what I wanted to eat - because everything I wanted was just fine.
That was...until yesterday. I had a rough day yesterday. I had absolutely no motivation, I was feeling stressed by the amount of work that's been piling up - and my not doing it, I felt weak.
It was the worst day to decide to go shopping - but I had to go.
As I walked around Wal-Mart - my desires were taking over. I wanted chocolate. I wanted potato chips. I wanted soda. I wanted ice-cream. I, also, wanted to cry. Just when I thought that I was doing so well - those damn feelings rushed through my blood stream....and I just wanted to cry and eat.
I walked straight to the potato chip aisle. I stood there. I grabbed a bag and took off to my next stop. I walked to dairy section and saw the most decadent desserts...and I started randomly grabbing stuff. I headed to the candy aisle and stood facing the plethora of chocolate - I turned, grabbed something and decided I was done.
I didn't care. I was overtaken by my urges. I just gave in...no use in fighting it.
I had no idea what was in my basket - I had just grabbed and ran. I just wanted to get out of the store as quickly as I could and get home...I was ashamed.
Then I got to the check out. For the first time, I looked down at my cart. I stood there. Shocked. Amazed. I actually stood there long enough for the check out guy to ask me if I was OK. I looked at him, fought back the tears in my eyes, and said "I am, it appears I really am just fine".
I started unloading on to the belt:
- One bag of Terra Mediterranean Veggie Chips
- One package of sugar free 60 calorie chocolate mousse cups
- One package of sugar free 60 calorie caramel mousse cups
- Six containers of Chobani yogurts
- One package of hazelnut creme flavored coffee (coffee is located on the same aisle as the candy)
- One package of chocolate truffle flavored coffee
Of all the chips I could have chosen, I chose natural, baked veggie chips.
Of all the dessert choices in the dairy section, I grabbed 60 calorie snack cups and Greek yogurt.
Of all the chocolate I could of swept in to my cart, I grabbed zero calorie flavored coffee - in my most favorite of chocolate flavors.
My kids had taken some advantage of my mad moment and stuck a candy bar into the cart for each of them - but I was OK with that. They even offered me a piece in the car, which I gracefully declined.
I drove home feeling different, empowered, happy, OK with what had just happened.
In my moment of utter chaos - my head took over and controlled me.
It's little moments like these that make me realize that I am recovering. I am fighting the urges, even during the urges. It's moments like these that make me realize that I'm worth it.
Oh, and just so you know, by the time I got home - I no longer wanted to binge. I ate my dinner and was satisfied for the rest of the night.
Till next time. ;)
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