What an Amazing Feeling

When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful AND you believed them?

When was the last time you stood in front of the mirror and actually liked the person looking back at you?

When was the last time that you walked in to a crowd of people with confidence about how you looked?

If I had been asked these questions two days ago, my responses would be...well, probably not since high school....and even then, I'm not sure I actually ever felt "beautiful".

Today, my responses are different.

Last night, for the first time IN MY ADULT LIFE I felt absolutely amazing.  I felt beautiful.  I felt confident.  Yes, I even felt HOT!

Yesterday, I wrote a blog about wanting to achieve the feeling of "hotness" while going out with some friends.  I was...urm...well...a little awkward in my description.  Reading that post this morning, I realized that the things I listed in order to make myself feel hot - like getting attention from other people - didn't matter.  I felt hot before I even left my house.

On Twitter, I documented my goal as Operation: Hotness.  I started out with doing my nails.  Then, after a short run I was in the shower to get to the next stage.  Clothes, hair, and make-up all came next.  When I was finally finished, I was flooded with an emotion that was new to me.

I stood in front of the mirror for a long time.  I didn't stand there the way I usually do.  My usual mirror analysis consists of grabbing the rolls of fat, sucking in my stomach to try and make myself look smaller, feeling disgusted with what I was seeing.  No, last night was much different. 

Last night, I stood there and slowly ran my hand down the front of my stomach.  Where were the rolls?  I ran my hands over the curves of my waist and hips - yes, there were curves.  I turned to the side, I turned to the other side, I checked out the back side....Who was this woman staring at me?  I recognize her...it's been a very long time since I've seen her - I think the last time I saw her was the night I attended the junior prom as a sophomore in high school.  That was the one night of my life that I felt really pretty...don't remember feeling "beautiful" but I felt good that night.

As I stood looking at myself in the mirror, I realized one thing:  Other people can't ever make me feel this way...only I can make myself feel this way.  I realized I couldn't care less about what other people would think...I felt amazing.  I felt beautiful.  I felt hot.

While I was out with Sanity and my other friends last night, I could almost feel the heat from my confidence beaming off of me.  I had such a great time... I sang, I danced, I spoke to people that I didn't know.  I didn't care to notice if people were looking at me - it just didn't matter.  I was the life of the party last night, and I invited everyone to join in. 

So, today, I am a new person.  I thought that once I took the clothes off, put my hair up, and threw on my "house clothes" that the feeling I had last night would disappear.  You know what?  It didn't.  I still feel great in my leggings and t-shirt.  I still feel beautiful with my hair messily thrown up in a clip.  I still feel amazing now that the make-up is gone. 

I may not be as thin as I want to be (yet), yes, I still have a bit of "excess baggage" on my body that I want to get rid of - but regardless of that...I can feel beautiful.  I can look at myself and see beauty.  This is a huge milestone for me - and I feel that it's only going to keep my drive and passion going.  If I feel beautiful now, what's going to happen once I do reach my goal weight?  That is something I can't wait to see.

It wouldn't be right to share a post like this without some photos...so, here you go.  My first moment of feeling beautiful and hot!

Till next time. ;)

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