Sunday, July 08, 2012
The Concept of Starting Over
Two and a half years ago, I started out on a journey to lose weight, get fitter, and lead a more active lifestyle. Since that time, I've lost weight, I've gained weight. I've overcome obstacles, I've let obstacles defeat me. I have been a Warrior Princess and a weakling. I have won, and I have failed.
Too many times over the course of those two and a half years I have declared that "I'm starting over!" But, when I really think about it and look back - I never started over. I just merely tweaked, or tried something different, or went back and forth between this and that. And I always compare my progress, or lack there of, to my beginning. When it really all started.
In order to start over, a new slate must be created. Starting over isn't about thinking what I did in the past, the achievements versus the failures, where I succeeded and where I slipped up. That's not starting over. That, again, is just comparing...merely taking a different path in a path that's already been traveled.
Just this past week, alone, I have compared my progress now to my progress two years ago and a year ago several times. I have looked back and tried to see where I started to derail, see where I started to lose momentum, and told myself that's the place I have to go back to. But, unless Marty McFly lands his Delorian in my backyard anytime soon - I know that can never happen. I can't travel through time. I can't zoom back to the person I was two years ago...no matter how hard I try.
Starting over is something I've always struggled with. It's so hard for me to let the past be the past and just move on. It's the reason I have so many friends on Facebook that I went to school with, but never speak to. They were apart of my past, and so I need to keep them in my present. I left my home town on bad terms. I lost several good friends over the course of the years... but there they are on my Facebook page. As if knowing about their lives today somehow keeps me connected to the person I was thirteen plus years ago - when times were easier and happier.
It's also probably why I haven't embraced my new job with the excitement and thrill that I truly feel - but have a hard time showing, because it means leaving behind the connections I made in my old job. But, in reality, I held much more importance in them than they will in me. When I make friends, I feel like it's a life-long commitment. I want to be friends forever. I want to hang out, be included in get-togethers, and feel like part of the "family". But, the truth comes down to that only ever happens in my head. Often, what I mistake as a solid friendship is merely a business relationship to others. They are friendly with me at work, but that's where the friendship stays. I was only there a school year - how could I possibly think that I'd made strong bonds?
While I was working in my last job, I had one mission in mind : I wanted to teach in that school. So, I tried hard - WAY too hard - to impress. That back-fired. I came off too strong. And while the people I worked with were all too sweet to ever show it, I feel that they tolerated me. I know how annoying I can be, and I no doubt annoyed people. What I considered passion was no doubt conceived as over-the-top butt kissing.
Nobody likes a butt-kisser.
But I have a new opportunity now.
When it comes to my job, I have a completely new slate. A place that no one knows me. A place where I can be who I am - rather than trying to be someone I want them to think of me as. Now, I'm not trying to prove to anyone how much I want a teaching job...that blessing has been given to me. I have the opportunity to go in with a clean slate, do what I do, do it well, and embrace the new "family" that I'll be working with for many years to come.
So, why the freak can't I do that with my weight loss?
I think it's about time I kissed goodbye everything from the past two years. No more trying to see where I went wrong. No more trying to get back to the girl I was when I lost 80lbs and felt fantabulous. Apparently that didn't work out too well for me - or I wouldn't have gained half the weight back again...right?
I just have to completely start over. Fresh. New.
And I won't be deleting my blog or starting a new one. The history can stay... but it remains exactly that - History. A thing of the past. I tried, I failed, time to start over.
So, tomorrow, I'll introduce you to the new me. The new plan of action. The new ideas and goals I have for myself. Some may sound familiar - but don't be fooled. History does teach us some things - like mistakes not to make again - but it can't be the basis of the future.
My life is starting over. New job. New town. New beginnings. And, the new me.
Till next time . ;)