Time to confess, I guess. Wow...a poet, and didn't know it. HA!
I confess that I didn't go to the gym, yesterday. The kids wanted to go bowling, so I took them bowling. For two hours. I'm sure that bowling isn't really considered a physical activity - but I threw a heavy ball down a lane over, and over, and over again. In my warped head - that counts for something. Not much, but better than sitting on the couch, I guess.
I confess that my eating was majorly out of whack all day yesterday, and I ended up eating a pretty crappy dinner and then mindlessly snacking all evening.
I confess that I did start the day off with good intentions. I ate cottage cheese and pineapple for breakfast. It amazes me how quickly I can get off course even with the best intentions.
I confess that, with no big surprise to anyone, that I am feeling very defeated, depressed, and lost in terms of my weight loss journey. I'm hanging by a thread of motivation...and ready for that thread to snap at any minute. While everything inside of me wants to lose the weight, I just can't get my heart and my head to work together to make it happen.
I confess that I keep watching the scale increase every day. I feel like I did two years ago, when I was so out of shape I could barely do anything. Even though I'm not there, yet, I'm well on my way. I'm in a vicious spin of self-destruction, and no amount of coaxing is getting me out of it.
I confess that my clothing options have now come down to no more than a few pairs of sweat-style shorts, a couple of dresses (that fit, but look terrible on me), and one pair of capris that I have that are size 20. The capris are still a little too big, but not big enough to keep me in a size 18. Even some of my t-shirts are getting to the point where they are just too tight. My closet is crammed full of amazing, cute clothes....but I have a long way to go before I can fit in to them again.
I confess that I changed my Weight Loss Counter on my blog to reflect the total amount of weight I've lost since starting my journey two years ago. I was so tired of seeing a big, fat zero every day - that I decided to change it so I could see some positivity on the page. The number is still a lot smaller than it's been in the past - but it's something. I have to hold on to the fact that I'm still down some, and I don't want that number to keep dwindling down.
I confess that I remember back two years ago, that the one thing that triggered my biggest spark of motivation was when I participated in boot camp. Even though boot camp isn't an option for me right now, I truly feel that having a personal trainer may spark something back inside of me, again. On Thursday - when I go back to the gym...and I WILL be going back to the gym... I am signing up for the first appointment the gym has available with a personal trainer. I'm going to explain my woes and make that PT be hard on me. I need structure, discipline, and encouragement.
I confess that I'm feeling the way I'd hoped I'd feel after writing all of this out. Angry. I am angry. Very angry. How the hell could I let myself get this far off track?
I confess that even though I said only yesterday that I wouldn't do this... I'm going to do it anyway...I'm going to officially promise myself that changes are a coming. BIG TIME. I'm sick and tired of feeling the way I feel, obsessing over the constant failures, and feeling sorry for myself. That's the biggest bunch of BS I've ever heard. How the heck can I feel sorry for myself when I'm the one doing it to myself?
I confess that starting Thursday, I will be going to the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY until I get the phone call that it's time for me to start working on my classroom. Then, I will be going EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND.
I confess that starting Thursday, there will be a meal planner back on my fridge. There will be a kitchen stocked with clean, fresh ingredients. There will be no more junk food. There will be no more soda. There will be nothing but water (and my morning coffee).
I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
Till next time. ;)