I've been sitting in front of this computer for the past two hours. Reading. Reading all of the posts from last June, July and in to August.
I wanted to see what I was up to last year. What I was doing. How I was feeling.
And you know what I found out?
This year is almost identical to last year.
In June and July of 2011, I talk a lot about how I'm not motivated to work out. I make many promises about getting back on the horse and not letting defeat take over. I share all of the excuses. I blame it all on being summer time and wanting to spend time with my kids. I blame the heat.
I discuss how stressed I was about not finding a job, and then finding a job and how that didn't really affect the change in my attitude or my behaviors.
De ja vu, anyone?
I just can't believe how similar this year is to last year. Except that last year I was in the 220s and this year I'm in the 250s. That stings a little. But, it's also abundantly clear how I got to where I am.
One thing is very clear, and that is the fact that summer is the WORST season for my success with losing weight. Well, this summer and last summer. In July of 2010 I was a boot-camp hero... working hard, kicking butt, and doing everything I was supposed to be doing.
A lot has changed over the past two years. But hardly anything has changed over the past year.
So, today is the 7th of July. We are already one week in to July. My life in June of last year was pretty similar to this year. No working out. Eating too much. Complaining. Whining. Making promises. Breaking promises. Sound familiar? You don't have to go back to last year to see posts like that - just read last months' posts to find the exact same stuff.
But since this July started, things have been a little different. In seven days, I've worked out three times. Twice at the gym, and once in a pool. I have eaten better each day. I'm going to the gym here in a little while..that will make four times in seven days.
Yesterday, I was in charge of making dinner. I cooked an Indian curry. I used lean beef, lots of spices, tomatoes, and water. There was no fat added. Then I ate it with Basmati rice. Yes, it's white rice - but it's also long grain rice. A much healthier option. I made Tiramisu for dessert. I had a very small square after dinner. And, it was a low-fat recipe. I drank lots of water throughout the day.
I also cleaned my bathroom and finished packing all of my school books. Not exactly exercise, but I didn't just sit on my behind all day either.
I realize that this month is not starting out how July of last year started out. Things have been different.
Could this be a positive sign? Could things be starting to change?
One thing that really caught my attention from last year was my fascination with everything happening for a reason. I couldn't find a job. Then I found a job I didn't really want (the Head Start Job). Then, I got an offer to work in the public schools, but as a teaching assistant. I put all the pieces together for the "big picture".
And here I am a year later.
The big picture has definitely played out. In a few short weeks, I'll be stepping foot in to MY classroom. A real, genuine, 4th grade, public school classroom. I will have that opportunity because I struggled so long with finding a job and then working a year as a teaching assistant. I had to do what I did to get me where I am now.
So, could it be that there is a new big picture appearing?
Am I going to have more success with my weight loss this next year (starting this month) because for the past year I've struggled so much? Did I need to experience all the downfalls my weight has taken me? Did I have to ingrain the feelings of my clothes not fitting, losing all of the momentum I had two years ago, and hitting rock bottom?
If my job saga is any indication, then yes. I think so.
I feel different, that part I know for sure. I'm back to mentally thinking about what I eat before I eat it. Thinking about whether or not I'm hungry. Thinking about the ingredients - are they clean, natural? A meal plan has been in affect since Monday. I knew exactly what we were eating for dinner each day, and everything has been healthy, wholesome, and delicious.
I woke up Sunday, Thursday, and this morning planning my day around the gym - not the other way around. The gym comes first, everything else needs to be fit in around it. I planned for not going to the gym yesterday because Hubby was going to be gone all day.
The weird part is, I haven't thought about any of that until this minute. I didn't think about the sudden changes I've made, deciding to work out, eating better. I've just done it. In fact, if you read over this past week's posts (besides Wednesday), you'll see that I'm still in "I'm failing" mode.
But I'm not failing.
This week, I've made more progress than I have in months, and months, and months.
February was the last time I worked out three times in one week. It was October, 2011 before that.
It's been over a year since I worked out four times in one week.
Now, I know it's way too early to get all giddy and excited that I'm finally over my way too long slump. But, the fact that it's taken a week to realize that I'm even making these changes is a big deal. I just switched from nothing mode to something mode. And I had no idea I was doing it.
Well, of course I did, I just didn't hold that much weight on it.
OK, so the weight isn't flying off yet. But, I've lost a pound this week so far. I'll take it. My body has to get readjusted to the amounts of water it's taking in. It has to get used to the work-outs again. I know that it will take a few weeks before my body starts to really get in to weight loss mode...and I'm OK with that.
I just need to keep putting one step in front of the other and doing what I need to do - regardless of what the scale says.
I know that good things come to those who wait...but you also have to do the work to get the good things.
I thought I should get a teaching job just because I finished college. Nope, doesn't work that way. I had to wait, and work hard. And then it came.
I thought that I would keep all the weight I lost off. Nope, doesn't work that way. I have to commit to the fact that if I work hard and lose weight, I have to keep working hard...or it will all come flooding back.
I don't know what the next few days, weeks, months, or years hold... but I do know that I am making changes. I am starting to move in the right direction. And, I'm not going to continue repeating last year. There are many new adventures waiting for me... I just have to take advantage of them.
Till next time. ;)