Sunday, November 25, 2012

And What The Heck Did I Do To You?

I squandered about whether or not to say anything.  I figure I will probably regret it the minute I hit the "PUBLISH" button... but you know what?  I really don't care.  I'm mad.  Upset.  And when I'm having feelings like that - this is where I come.

OK, so I've mentioned once or twice or several times that my mom and I had a falling out a few months back.  I thought it was over with.  We haven't really spoken that much or seen each other much since it happened - but when we have spoken and seen each other, things have been peachy.

Or so I thought.

Since the ordeal, I feel like I've totally been pushed out of my family.  Not that it's entirely my mom's fault - not really her fault at all... but I definitely feel like I don't belong there anymore.

Two weeks ago, my brother came to town.  The brother I thought I got along pretty well with.  OK, so we haven't spoken to each other in ages - but nothing has happened since I last spoke to him to make me believe he should be mad at me for any reason.  I wouldn't have even known he was here if my youngest sister hadn't of "accidently" posted something about it on Facebook.  Come to find out, my brother had instructed my mother NOT to tell me he was there.

That left me a little dumbfounded.  I mean, I can understand if he were just visiting for a day or two - and wanted a quiet visit alone with my parents... but he's been here for 2 WEEKS - and not a word was said to me about going to see him or my neice and nephew - who just happen to be here too.

Last weekend, my parents, and my brother's family all took a trip to the zoo.  How do I know?  Yep - saw it on Facebook.  Yesterday, I called my mom to see what they were up to - she informs me that they are on their way to the ice-skating rink to celebrate my niece's birthday.  Whole family - again - going out for a family day out... not a single word spoken to me.

I remember a time when my parents wouldn't have gone anywhere like that without asking if I wanted to go along. You know, so that they could see their other grandchildren and spend some time with them. But, my kids are apparently not important anymore.

Let's not forget Thanksgiving.  The holiday I have hosted at my home for the past five years.  Every year my parents have come to me.. but this year?  Nope, my brother was in town.  Thanks, but no thanks Jo.  I was excited about having a small family Thanksgiving - but once I got to thinking about the fact that I was passed over because my brother was there... it started to bother me.

And yes, I know it sounds a little selfish.  I mean, my mom hasn't seen my brother in ages either.  And she hardly ever gets to see his daughter and son.  I get that.  But that's not my fault.  That's his.  He's the one that never picks up the phone or checks in or talks to my mom.  Maybe I should understand the trick.  Don't have any contact with my parents for months and months on end, and maybe I'll be important to them again. 

If that's not enough salt for my wound, I get to constantly watch my little sister post stuff on Facebook to my brothers.  She posts about how much she loves the neice and nephew that live with her.  Post after post after post about how great her family is... except me.  There's never anything posted on my page.  The brothers that visit once a year - they are far more important to her. 

When I got my teaching job, I finally thought I had struck it gold.  My parents would be so proud.  Their oldest daughter - a college graduate, a teacher.  But, it's not gone how I thought at all.  And yes, I'm partly to blame for that.  I've been so darn busy all of the time that I haven't had the normal amount of time I usually have for them, either.  But, things have started to slow down now.  I've finally started to find my groove so that I have some free time.  But, apparently it's too late. 

I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for my youngest brother - I'd be pushed out entirely.  He texts me, quite often actually.  Just to see how I'm doing.  Let me know what he's been up to.  You know, keeping me in the loop.  And I won't bring my dad in to this, either.  He can't take any of the lash of my anger - because he's just not the type of guy that picks up the phone to call me.  And that's always how it's been.  So, he can't take any blame for my being snuffed out from the family.

For as many years as I can remember, I have been the constant oldest child in my parents' lives.  My oldest brothers moved out of town, out of the state.  There are phone calls here and there from them.  But, I've always been a stone's throw away.  I've been there for them.  But, when my life gets a little crazy - and I have to juggle working 10 hours a day, working at home on the weekends, and trying to fit in time with my immediate family... I get forgotten about. 

To say that I'm upset is an understatment.  There has been a huge wedge planted firmly between my family and I - a wedge I NEVER thought would appear.  But it's OK, I get it.  I'm a big girl.  I apparently don't need my parents anymore.  It's not just me, though, is it?  It's my kids too.  But, like me, they will be OK.  My parents have plenty of other grandchildren to occupy their time... and I will do what I need to do to shelter the effects from my own kids.  I won't allow my kids to suffer. 

I am a big girl.  I am all grown up now.  I'm not skating around this issue anymore.  I have a job.  No, I have a career.  I have stability and comfort in my life.  My children have stability and comfort.  I have a man that loves me.  I have in-laws and a psuedo mother-in-law that have not forgotten about me.   I'm not going to let this bother me anymore.  They don't want anything to do with me?  Fine.  I guess it's time I start getting used to that now.



  1. What a heartbreaking situation. And you're such a good writer, I can honestly say I feel your pain.

    One of the things I learned in therapy was that sometimes, as adults, we have to parent our inner child the way our parents didn't or couldn't or wouldn't.

    I'm so sorry you're hurting, but I admire your gumption!

    1. Thanks, Cathy. I guess it's so hard for me because I've ALWAYS been very close with my mom. I've been the "child" she can always depend on. I've done my share of pushing them out, too since starting my new job.. I just never imagined I would get to this place of feeling this way about my family relationship.

  2. Wow. I'd love to say I have no idea how you feel...but I do. And I'm sorry. So sorry honey. This isn't your fault. Leaving you out on purpose and then letting you see their "fun" on FB - is flat out cruel. Family or not. I love you. You did not deserve this.

    1. Thank you. I felt a little babyish coming on here and airing my dirty laundry - but this is my place to do that, I suppose. You're right. I felt the same way. It's one thing to leave me out, but don't rub my face in it by planting it all over Facebook.

  3. I've struggled with rejection from my extended family. It's hard and I still struggle with it after several years. I just want you to know your not alone.

  4. I'm sorry. Part of being in a family should be understanding demands on each other and working around them. Unconditional love should be counted on, not longed for.
    On another issue...freakin' Facebook! On one hand I think it's great for keeping in touch with old coworkers and reconnecting with school friends you've lost touch with over the years. On the other hand, it can really make you feel left out when you see what others are up to without you. Sometimes I think people post things out of spite.
    I'm glad you had a good holiday despite the family stuff.


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