Saturday, July 20, 2013

I Know What It Feels Like to Be Flushed Down a Toilet!

I'm totally serious.  

My title is not supposed to be a joke.

And I'm not talking about what it feels like to get a swirly or that I'm feeling like a piece of crap.

I mean, I got to feel like a piece of crap.  Literally.

I'll explain how in just a bit.

Anywho, yesterday we went to the water all knew that because I told you we were going.  We arrive and the kids and P-Momma instantly scatter in all directions.  Some head for the water slides, some head for the lazy river, some head for the speed slides... Jelly and I?  We head for the kiddie pool.

Jelly splashes around for a while and then ventures on the slide that's made just for the little ones.  I'm standing there watching and all of a sudden I hear this loud noise.  I look up and realize I'm standing under a GIANT bucket of water that gets dumped on my head...and the head of every child and innocent parent who's supervising the surrounding area.  It was FREEZING!  Thankfully, I hadn't gotten wet yet so I was no longer in need of easing myself in to the water.

Once Jelly got bored with the tiny slide, she told me she wanted to go on the big ones.  I was a little nervous.  I mean, Jelly can swim... a little.  Enough to swim from the slide end to the edge to get out.  And the water is only 3ft deep at the end of the slide, so she can stand up anyway.  She's been on the big water slide at the other pool we've been to, so it shouldn't be too bad.  I decide to let her have a go.

We walk up a bazillion stairs.  With each level my stomach is getting more and more queazy from the height.  I already know that Jelly can't ride down with me, so I explain that I'm going to ride down first and I will be waiting for her at the bottom.  We get all the way to being the next in line when the lifeguard comes along with his measuring stick and tells Jelly she's not tall enough to ride.  The height limit is 48"... Jelly is 47.2".

I was so disappointed...but not as disappointed as Jelly.  I was even more disappointed that I had to walk back down a bazillion stairs.

I'll admit, I was pretty freaking mad.  I was watching tiny kids go up and come down the slide, but for some reason - he'd pulled out his measuring stick to play authority figure with my baby girl.  I managed to get her cheered back up in the Lazy River.  

So, after a while of keeping Jelly occupied with the stuff that she could do, P-Momma told me that I needed to take a break and go try out the big slides.  I was a little apprehensive at first, but I finally agreed that I'd regret it if I didn't at least try them all once.

I found my brother and Butter who were in line for the Tree Top Plunge, a/k/a Toilet Bowl.  I went up and joined them in line.  Standing in line, my knees started getting weak, my heart started pounding.  And only because of the height.  I kept telling myself not to look down, but it was hard not to. I was actually relieved when we got to the top... until I looked at what I was going to be doing.

The ride consisted of getting in to an enclosed tube that falls at the same rate as the speed slides... you are then shot in to a giant bowl which you spin around the outside of until you finally fall through a hole in the bottom.  All I kept telling myself was that I was going to feel like a literal piece of crap...and that if I ever had the slightest curiosity about what it felt like to be flushed down a toilet - well, now I was going to know.

I got in the ready position.  Was told to put my hands behind my head.  And I was flushed.

The rate of speed I started to fall was breathtaking.  When I was shot in to the bowl, my stomach was in my mouth.  I spun around and around at a crazy rate of speed.  Then, I noticed the hole fast approaching... and I started to slow down.  And then I started to start turning upside down.  I was panicking because I didn't know when to hold my breath or if I was going to make it through the hole without hitting my head on the side.  Thankfully, I was OK. I fell through the hole - head first - and plunged in to the water below.  

When I got out, I had to sit for a second because my legs were like Jell-O.  The adrenaline that was rushing through my body was causing my head to spin.  I was ready to go back and get flushed again... until I noticed the long line, and decided that my fear of heights just wouldn't allow me to stand on those high stairs for that amount of time.

So, instead we decided to go try the other slides.

Now, as I stated earlier, I was a little upset with the lifeguard manning the two large water slides because he had forbidden Jelly from trying them out.  I was still a little miffed when I walked up all those stairs, once again, and saw him still playing Slide Boss.  

I waited patiently in line, and opted to go on the slower of the two slides first...a half tube slide.  The other was completely enclosed and dark all the way down.  

I got in, laid back, and waited for the water to carry me down to the bottom.  What actually happened was I got in, laid back, and the water took my wet behind at the speed of a bullet flying down that slide.  My stomach, once again, shot in to my mouth.  Then, once I hit the bottom, my bottom hit the bottom...and I finally think I know what it's like to have an enema.  Holy Cow!  

Once I had, again, caught my breath and stopped my legs from wobbling I started to feel this little pang in my stomach.  What I thought was just slide afterpains turned out to be guilt.  As I walked the stairs, once again, to try out the dark water slide I realized that I indeed was feeling guilt.  But from what?

Then it hit me once I saw Slide Boss again.  

I had been mad at him from denying my sweet little Jelly a go on the slide.  But after feeling the fury of the water...and the ungodly speed I had traveled down the slide... I realized had Jelly gone on it, she would have been completely terrified.

That slide was nothing compared to the puny slide I'd taken her on at the other water park so many times before.  That slide would have eaten her alive, crashed her under the water at the end, and probably tortured her from ever wanting to ride a slide again...ever.  

So, I had to face the boy I had been so mad at, and thank him for actually doing his job.  He probably saved my sweet Jelly from a disastrous experience.  Possibly a life-scarring experience.  

My guilt then turned in to shame.  What kind of mother tries to even put her child on a water slide she hasn't tried first?  That lifeguard sure wouldn't have been the one to blame had he allowed her to ride and then she ended up all traumatized.  it would have been my fault.  Because I didn't try it out first, and find out that it was just a little too much for her to handle.  

Lesson learned, and it all worked out - thankfully.

Yeah, I could have been wrong and Jelly could have totally loved it and thought it was the most awesome thing ever... but I think we'll hold off on finding out until next year when she is a much stronger swimmer.

So, guilt aside.  Shame aside.  It was time for me to ride the dark slide.  I thought, surely, it couldn't be any worse than being flushed down a life-sized toilet or being plummeted down at the speed I had just traveled in the open water slide.  WRONG-O!  Going down in the total dark was pretty freaking scary... and it was just as fast, if not faster.  

Finally come to the end...met with another enema and my bathing suit riding up my behind like dental floss getting stuck between teeth.  Holy cow balls.  It was so fast.  

So, in a matter of a few minutes I had been flushed down the toilet, had been forced two enemas, and then ended with the wedgie from Hell.  But, regardless... it was AWESOME!!

It's been so long since I've felt like such a kid.  It was hard for me to not just keep climbing those stairs and doing it again and again and again.  But, I didn't.  Because of the lines and because it was my job to spend some time with Jelly and make sure she had a good time.

I got to try the slides, and I'm glad I did.

The rest of the time, I splashed around with Jelly and stood under a giant bucket of water while she went down her own little slide.  Once the crowd level started getting a little out of control, we all hit the bricks and called it a day.

All in all, it was a fantastic day.  We are so blessed to have such an amazing person as P-Momma in our lives.  She's the one that took us.  She's the one that gave my kids their day out.  And she's the one that also gave this momma her chance to act like a little kid again - even if only for a few slides down a water slide.  None of it would have happened if it weren't for her.

I'm truly convinced that P-Moma will never quite grasp how important and special she is to all of us.  No matter how much we tell her we love her, no matter how much we tell her how much fun we have spending time with her, no matter how much my kids beg and plead to go visit... she'll never quite fully understand the special place she holds in all of our hearts.

OK, enough sappy stuff... I gots stuff to do.



1 comment:

  1. If your daughter is like you, she'll love these slides when she's big enough!!!


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