I'm nervous. My stomach is grumbling, my mind is racing - and I woke up this morning feeling weird. Not weird like I'm not feeling well, or excited weird... it's weird, because I woke up this morning feeling heavy!! I've never had this feeling before - I mean, of course I've had this feeling. I wake up every morning feeling heavy - I'm over 200lbs - what I mean is my Biggest Loser weigh-in has me all flustered. All week, I've been feeling really great about the competition, how I'm eating, getting two work-outs in (not a bad start) - but this morning, I don't feel that great feeling. I'm hoping it's just my nerves being silly. I don't know what I'm going to do if I get on that scale and I'm actually heavier.
It usually takes me all of 3 minutes to pick out my clothes each morning. This morning? Fifteen minutes!! I would pick something out and then use my hands as some kind of internal scale..."hmm, how much weight is this shirt going to add?" "Will these pants be light enough?" When I usually step on the scale, I'm stepping on in my undies or my PJ's. Today, I have to weigh-in fully clothed. How much impact will that have?
I really wonder what those people on the Biggest Loser show feel like each week on weigh-in day. Do they feel like they're going to have a good number? Do some of them wake up feeling like I did? Does the mental game affect the physical one? One thing, I know - regardless of what that scale says this morning...this competition has gotten to me. I don't think this pressure is a bad thing. I spent six months focusing on what the scale has told me. Then I went though a "cleansing" period of not caring what the scale said - and just focusing on what I was doing with my food and work-outs. Then I started my internship and my work-outs became non-existent. That being the case, I was still able to lose a little weight. I have been so proud of my accomplishments - and now, I'm involved with a competition. A competition is a whole new ball of wax. I'm in it to win it - no excuses, balls to the wall, going to do what I need to do. The sad part is, the weight loss is going to be great - but I'm focused on the prize. Knowing that I have the chance to win more than $150 is what has really fueled my fire. Is that wrong? Should I have my eye on the prize so much? I don't know. What I do know is, I've never felt this feeling when it came to stepping on a scale - and I'm not sure if I like it.
One thing I keep telling myself is that this is just the first week. No matter what the scale says, I have nine weeks left to make a difference. Then, I'm in battle with the feeling of "will I say this every week?" Will the number I see on the scale this morning really motivate me to do better? That part I think I know the answer to. If I've lost - I will be happy, but challenge myself to do better next week. If I've gained - I will be hard on myself. I will tell myself that I should of done better. But then what? Will I race off to the track after work and start pushing myself harder? Will I up the ante on work-out times? I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see. All I know is I don't want to wake up every Tuesday morning feeling like this. This is NOT a feeling that I want to get used to or deal with. I don't like it.
To add fuel to the fire - I didn't work out last night. My cardio circuits group cancelled at the last minute and rescheduled for Wednesday. I planned on just going to run instead, but when I saw the rain pouring down - I chickened out. Maybe the guilt from not getting a good work-out in the night before is another reason I'm so flustered. That could be it. I mean, I could of come home and run on the treadmill. I could of popped a cardio DVD in last night and did that - but nope, I did nothing. That's probably it. I feel guilty. OK, enough already!! No more negative feelings...that's not me! Time to suck it up, deal with whatever the scale says, learn from it, and move on.
Here's to not having to listen to this mumbo jumbo next Tuesday - keep your fingers crossed.
Till next time. ;)