It's Saturday, a day to relax, enjoy a day off, and spend the day in your PJ's or go out with the family. I'm opting to spend the day in my PJ's - but that's as far as it goes from the selections. I have a lot of work to get done this weekend, and I mean A LOT! The twist to today's blog post is that having this much work to do is actually going to be my DE-stresser. WHAAATTT?? Yep, I said it. I have a ton of work to do, and I'm happy about it. It will help me to de-stress after the week I've had.
Yesterday was a very long day. I arrived at school at my usual 6:30. I was there until 7 last night because I was working at the school's annual fall festival. I had a lot of fun - but it's something that happened to me during the day that caused me to get a little stressed out - OK, a lot stressed out.
At around 11am, something happened that I've been dreading. The class intercom went off and said "Ms. Hill, TDT called about your son and they want you to call them ASAP". I was right in the middle of teaching - and as soon as I heard the words, I got a nasty sinking feeling in my stomach. My mentor teacher took over, and I left the classroom to go and make the call. Grover's counselor told me that he had been out of control all morning. He was refusing to come into the classroom, getting extremely angry, instigating the other kids to not do their work or do what they were told, and it had gotten to the point where they needed me to go to his school and spend the rest of the day with him - showing him how he needs to behave at school. Nausea hit me at that point. Leaving school while in my internship better be for DIRE emergencies. I tried calling my mom to see if she would go and do it for me - she said she would, but couldn't be there for long. I called the school back and asked if it was possible to just pick him up from school, they said that was fine and so I called Hubby to go and get him.
All day after I struggled with how I was feeling. I felt mad, frustrated, and guilty. I was mad that he was behaving that way, frustrated that his school was asking me to do something like that, and so guilty at the fact that all I thought about was not jeopardizing my internship. That guilt feeling is still with me - it's haunting me. I'm struggling with this so much - and it's eating at me. What kind of mother am I that I would rather stay working than go and take care of a problem with my child? Then I remind myself that if I don't do well in this internship, there's a strong possibility I won't have a job next year - and then how will I be able to take care of my kids then? Last night, I received an email from Grover's counselor telling me that if the same problems happen on Monday, they will once again call me and expect me to spend the day with him at school. So, now I have that haunting me. How will I respond? What will my school say about the phone calls I'm getting? What can I do to help my son see how important it is for him to behave? And probably the most important question that is consuming my mind - "What is happening to him to make him act this way?"
Now you can see why I've decided that I need to hibernate this weekend. I need to focus on something that will keep me busy. I spent some time talking to Grover last night. I feel like today he needs to spend some time by himself - maybe thinking about things. He's outside right now - I'm watching him walk around and my heart is breaking. I just wish there was something I could say, something I could do to make all of this go away... but after 4 years of trying, I feel totally hopeless. I know that some of you maybe thinking - "go and spend time with him". I tried that last night. He was completely cold and stone faced while I spoke to him about his behavior. We both agreed that today we'd spend some time alone thinking about what's been going on recently. I want to give him some space - I think he might need some alone time after being bombarded with teachers, counselors, Hubby, and me, so that's what I'm going to let him have. I have this aching feeling in my heart that he feels I'm not spending enough time with him - but I've tried so hard to give all three kids time with me EVERY night. Even when I plan on spending a lot of time working on the weekends, I still make sure I spend some time doing things with them. I'm just a bag full of emotions right now - and I hate not knowing what I can do to make things better.
This afternoon, I'm going to talk to him again. I feel like maybe after spending some time alone, he might be able to talk to me - tell me what's on his mind. Something is definitely bothering him - I just wish he would talk to me.
It's been a very emotional and stressful week for me. I've learned to adapt to some of the problems Grover's having - that's why he was placed in a school that specializes in behavioral issues. This week has been the worst week, with him, in a very long time - and it's weighing so heavily on my mind. I can't help but feel like this is my fault. I just don't think he's old enough to understand how important it is for me to get through this year of internship. He's too young to think about the "big picture" and what my having a full-time teaching job would do for our family. I always swore that I would never be a mother that is too busy for my kids - but worry that in Grover's mind, that's exactly what I've become. It's time for some changes, some sacrifices maybe...whatever it takes to get him to understand how much I love him and want the best for him.
Till next time. ;)