Monday, November 07, 2011

First Day Jitters....All Over Again

Well, yet another weekend is over.  Even with the time change - I don't feel like I gained an hour.  It feels more like I've been running a million miles an hour since I drove out of the parking lot at work Friday afternoon.  But it was all worth it.

Friday, my boy came home.

After being in a hospital for a little over two months....he's home for good, and my house is officially back to normal.

No parent ever believes that they would have to put their 10 year old child in to a psychiatric facility.  No parent ever wants to do something like that.  I didn't want to do it. 

No matter how bad things were - the thought of my baby going to a strange place full of strange people and just leaving him there?  I just never thought it would happen....but it did.

I still remember the very first night I had to take him.  The boy that rode in the car with me that night.  The boy that I thought I was up on  in a sense.  For five years we had seen countless doctors, been through countless therapists....even had him placed in a "special" school....and things only got worse day by day.  I remember the look in his eyes that night.  The look of fear, the fear that I just couldn't take it anymore - and this was my last resort.  There was also emptiness in those eyes....a shell of a boy that had given up on himself and also knew that there was nothing else to try.  He was lost...somewhere in his mind.

For two months, I cried many times.  Despite how much help I knew he was getting - not having him at home with me killed me.  I would often just walk in to his room and hold his blankets or pillow.  I sat by my phone every night waiting for it to ring - to hear his voice on the other end.  Each time I had to be confident and happy when I spoke - even though I was being tore up from the inside out.

It was a tough two months....but it's over now.

I now get to remember the look on his face from this past Friday night.  The look of joy, happiness...and the shell that was brought there two months ago stayed there in that hospital.  His eyes are now full of hope, warmth, love....confidence that things are going to be better.

He knows now why I did what I did.  I know now, too.

When he entered that hospital, he had no idea what caused him to do the things he did.  It was out of his control.  He was basically a ticking time bomb, and he had no control of the detonator.  Then, after being treated by a fantastic team of doctors, nurses, and a therapist....they were able to figure it out for him and defuse the bomb.  Even though every day will be a challenge for him....he now has the tools he needs to control his actions, and cope with the impulses and signals his brain is firing at him.  

Today he starts school.  No more "special" school.  Nope.  He's going with a place I know he will love.  A normal elementary school that is everything but normal.  A school full of kids that remind me of him in many ways.  Teachers that go above and beyond the call of duty to give these kids hope, encouragement, and support.  A principle and assistant principle that have passion and academic fire running through their veins.  He will fit in at this elementary school because he's a little different....and each and every one of the kids there are a little different in their own way.  Yet, the love and support the children, faculty, and staff all share for each other is what makes them a solid unit.

I have never been in a school where the kids were so friendly, caring, and supportive.  No one cares about the name on their tennis shoes, or wearing the latest fashion trends.  No one cares whether they have the latest and greatest video game consoles or computers.  No one is going to make fun of them for the way they look, the way they act, or if they can't figure out the answer to a math problem.  They all have their own quirks, their own uniqueness, and they all accept each of those traits.

I know that Butter is nervous.  What kid isn't when they start a new school?  Yet, this time...he knows that any moment of the day, I'm just down the hall.  I know that just knowing that will give him more confidence...ensure that he will try his best.

If you haven't already figured out - I'm nervous today, too.  I know that my nerves are just an extension of his.  I just want the best for him - that's all I've ever wanted.  Now, after a long, long, long journey....this is just the beginning of a new journey.  Yet, on this journey, there is hopefully a much nicer destination:  Normalcy. 

As my Butter embarks on his first day of being in public school for the first time in a little two years....keep him in your thoughts, please.  Send positive vibes and encouragement his way...he needs it, he deserves it.

Everyone have a great Monday!

Till next time. ;)

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