What a week it's been, but I'm so glad to see it go. This week has brought about too much stress, too many sad feelings, and too much emotion. When I get stressed, my mind gets cloudy and it's really hard for me to focus. So, I'm hoping that this next week will be more positive - cause that's always much better for me.
This past Tuesday, I received my first formal evaluation of my teaching. The lesson didn't go as planned, the kids struggled much more than I planned, but overall it didn't go too bad.
Due to the stress I've been under this week, I really haven't thought about working out or the Biggest Loser competition. I did my cardio circuits on Monday - and that's about it for the week. I had planned on doing some PS3 Move yesterday, but got so caught up in doing my work - that didn't happen. I had planned on going for a run this morning, but my lazy butt just crawled out of bed at 10:20 - so that didn't happen. I still think I might go this evening. The weather is supposed to stay in the upper 60's all day - so there's really no excuse why I couldn't go at any time. I do have some work I need to get finished, and find the time to go and do some grocery shopping...but I'm going to try and make myself get out to the track this evening, even just for a little while.
It's amazing to me how many times I've shared how wonderful exercise is for stress - but then I become such a hypocrite when it boils down to me doing it. I know from experience that anytime I feel a little blue, I can go to the track and by the time I'm done I feel FANTASTIC. Then why don't I do it all of the time? I'll tell you why, because I start feeling sorry for myself. With this Grover ordeal, I actually feel guilty about wanting to get rid of the stress and bad feelings. I think that maybe if he sees how bad I'm feeling about it all - then he'll open up and talk to me and we can finally start working on resolving the problems. I've been waiting for 4 years for it to happen -but I haven't lost hope that it won't still happen.
Yesterday, he walked around for a long time. He was probably outside for three hours. I called him in for lunch, he ate his lunch and went straight back outside. When he did finally decide to come in, I asked him how he felt. He said "better". I asked him if he was ready to talk, and he said he was, but every time I asked him anything the response was still "I don't know why I do it". Maybe he doesn't know. At the end of the day, I have to face the fact that there's something going on in his brain that's causing him to do the things that he does. Then I have the guilt playing on me that the punishments he serves for acting out are pointless, and wrongly imposed. He loses privileges for bad behavior, but how can he learn from that when he doesn't even know how to stop doing the bad behaviors? I decided to change my line of questions and discuss his feelings about me and the family, and if he feels like I don't give him enough time. I told him that I wanted him to be honest with me, that I needed to know so that I could change things if I needed to..his response - and get your Kleenexes ready - "Mom, I know you love me. I know that because if you didn't - you wouldn't get so upset and cry when I'm bad. You wouldn't hug me when I cry. You wouldn't ask me how you can make things better. You wouldn't help me with my homework or get up so early in the morning so that you can do yours. You do spend enough time with me, and I know that you want to do more stuff with us but you want to get a good job so that you can get nice stuff for the house and for us." Through fighting back the tears, I asked him "is there anything more I can do for you that you might think would help?" He said "no". So, I upped the ante a little. I decided to try something I've never tried before. I asked him to make me a promise, a promise that he would go to school tomorrow and apologize to his teachers, do what he's asked to do, and if I get a note home that says he's behaved - I will spend the entire evening with him. He'll help me with my homework, he'll sit with me while we watch TV, he'll eat dinner next to me, and when it's time for bed - I'll tuck him in. The look in his eyes was priceless. There was a spark, a flutter of excitement...something. He agreed to take the deal. We shook on it, and then hugged for about 5 minutes - both of us in tears. Everyone PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE send positive vibes with Grover as he heads to school in the morning. I hope with everything inside of me that this works - even if it's just for one day. It's a small accomplishment - and he needs that right now. Small accomplishments lead to big achievements.
Before I sat down this morning, I told myself that this wouldn't be another post devoted to Grover - but I couldn't help it. In the short of things, the stress and issues that Grover is dealing with affects my lifestyle - so it's somehow related to my weight loss efforts. Like I've said a thousand times - this blog is my saving grace, my outlet to share my inner feelings. Yes, I've strayed this week from my usual "chipper" self - but I needed to get it off my chest. It's out there now... let's hope that this week is much more positive - Lord knows I need it.
Till next time. ;)
Crying right now.... Sending good vibes!!!
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