A Dark Place

I've really been fighting with myself this morning.  I want to - no, need to - open the flood gates about stuff that's going on with me right now...hard stuff...but I keep stopping myself.  I know it's my conscience saying "don't air your dirty laundry in public" while my inner me is saying - "you will feel better when you let it all out".

This is one of the conundrums I face when having a public blog.  I don't usually hold back - I really don't have anything to hide.  I don't consider myself to be a secretive person.  If I have a problem, I like to share it...it really helps.  This time, is the first time in...well, ever, that I'm holding back.  It's not because the issues are so bad that they would get me in trouble or hurt me somehow - but it's hard to share the things that are happening now.  I know it's hard - because my kids are involved.  I guess the only way to do it is share the problem without sharing the problem.

I'm in a dark place right now - mentally.  On the outside, my smile is there...like it always is...on the inside I'm crying.  I'm crying so hard that I can't stop.  Every ounce of my emotional being is drained.  I'm having issues with Grover.  Something has happened that has made me question my parenting skills, question what I'm doing with my life, question if I'm doing what I should.  The problems stem from Grover being in a dark place - one that I'm not sure why he's in or how he got there.  Two weeks ago, he was happy.  He was doing great in school.  He was soaking in the praise, enjoying life - and then it stopped.  The spark was gone.  The problems started - and this time, they are worse than they've ever been before.

The only thing I can think of to cause something of this magnitude is me.  I'm too busy - I'm not there enough for him.  Despite telling both of my older kids that this "I'm too busy right now" stage is only temporary - I can't help but feel that it's had a devastating effect on Grover.  He's screaming for attention, and the measures he's going to to get it are scaring me. 

Grover won't talk about what he's feeling.  He won't talk to me.  He won't talk to his counselor or his teachers.  He puts on a happy face - like I do - and tells them and me that nothing is going on.  He tells us that he doesn't know why he is doing what he's been doing.  Maybe he doesn't.  Maybe he is so impulsive that it's causing him to act without thinking about the consequences...that sounds good, I just don't believe it for a second.  When I look into his eyes, I see pain.  Not just pain - I see hurt, anger, and frustration.  He denies feeling any of those things - he denies everything.  I think maybe it's some form of chemical imbalance - maybe he has no control over it.  Then I'm blindsided with the news from his counselor that he appears to be happy when he's at school.  When he's not here - he's happy.  News that no mother wants to hear.  Am I pushing my son away?  How do I bring him back?  I talk to him.  I put things off to spend time with my kids - sometimes maybe not enough...but I don't know what else to do.

I've really come to a point where I wonder if everything I'm doing is worth it.  Yes, I want to be a teacher more than anything in the world...except be a good mother.  If what I'm doing is compromising my being a good mother to my children -should I continue?  I've come so far - just 6 months away from the finish line.  I just don't know if Grover or I can last that long.  In the 3 1/2 years I've been in school - I've never once questioned if what I was doing was the right thing.  Becoming a teacher not only fulfills my life-long dream, it also will help my family. It will give me the ability to be there more for my kids.  We will have more financial stability.  That's the final product - is what I'm dealing with now worth it all in the end?  That's the question I need to answer.  I really don't want to give up - I want it too bad.  I also want my kids to be happy.

All of these issues are tearing me down.  I'm mentally drained, physically drained.  I feel tired all of the time - even when I wake up.  I can't stop eating. I know it's emotionally motivated - but I can't help myself.  I'm so unhappy that I have started to seek the things that settle the pain - even just for a second - the food.  I'm having headaches...pretty constant the past few weeks.  I know that they are stress induced - and they hurt so bad.  I'm disconnected at work.  I put on a happy face for the kids - but the urge not to burst into tears at least three times a day are getting harder to stop.  I can't focus on my work.  Each time I sit at the computer to try and tackle the monstrous amount of work that is piled on my plate - I go blank.  I start to feel guilty for working.  I pull myself away - only to regret not getting much done.  It's so hard to share this stuff - mostly because I think of myself as a rock.  I'm tough, nothing can bring me down....stress at work is nothing - I can handle that, no problem.  It's different when it's my child.  That stress I can't tuck away and pretend like it's not there.

I really just don't know what to do anymore.