I was watching some TV last night, and my mind started wandering. I was thinking about reading some more, and then I got consumed with guilt - because I shouldn't of been watching TV or thinking about reading...I should of been doing homework. Anywho, I started to wonder what it would be like to just move away for a year and travel the world - eat, find spiritual guidance, and a balance of happiness and harmony in my life. Then I thought to myself - I really don't have to move to Italy, India, and Indonesia to do all of that stuff - I can do it right here, in my own home, surrounded by the people I love. *Just a note, if you haven't seen or read Eat, Pray, Love - you'll have no idea what I'm yammering on about.
In a matter of three minutes, I had a fully developed plan in my head. I have now decided I'm going on my own Eat, Pray, Love mission...OK, I'm not going anywhere - already said that...but you get the idea. I mentioned, last week, I believe how the book had started to touch me - give me some motivation - but now I've decided it's going to have some different effects on me. So, I decided to write out a little plan - you know...I got to be all scheduled and stuff about it **eyeroll**. I now present to you the first stages of my plans to Eat, Pray, and Love...
Eat - This is the easy one. I started this back in October when I started falling off the health wagon. With the stress and lack of time and the stress, I started emotionally eating, convenience eating, and well - just eating things I shouldn't. I have now decided that it's almost Christmas. The last thing I'm thinking about right now is healthy food and exercise. So, I'm not going to worry about it. I'm going to enjoy the next month - eat what I want, when I want...just like I have been since October.
This morning, I decided to step on the scale...I was nervous - I didn't want to see a terribly huge gain, but I couldn't possibly think that I wouldn't of gained some...I mean, I've been eating - bad eating. The scale said: 209lbs. OK - so not an incredibly huge gain. I can live with it. I've noticed my size 16 pants are a little more snug than they were a few weeks ago - so I'm holding on to my size 18s - just to get me through December.
Pray - I'm not a religious person. Not sure if that will come as a shock to anyone - but I'm not. I have my own beliefs that I'm not going to discuss here. The "pray" portion of my journey isn't going to be about religion...not really. I want to find a more spiritual mindset. I love yoga and meditating...used to do both quite frequently. I haven't in too long. So, on January 1st, I move in to the second stage of my plan. It won't be to discover God or connect with a higher power - it will be building the temple that is my body.
After the damage that will set in after all the eating - it will be time to start repairing the damage. On January 17th of this year, I began my weight loss journey. I haven't forgotten that - I did great, and I'm very proud at what I accomplished. I haven't given up, either. I'm taking a hiatus - but I will not be starting over. I've decided that in January, I will start the C25K program, start doing yoga again, spend time meditating - and get back to healthy, cleansing food for my body.
I know that I will still have the stress of school to deal with - but it really won't be anything compared to these past few months (I hope). Even if it is as bad - I will have to suck it up. I want to get down to my goal weight next year... I got half the way there this year - I can finish the journey next year. It's not all going to be about the weight loss, though, it's getting back into my "healthy lifestyle" mode - and not finding reasons to flake out.
Love - This stage is a little more fuzzy to me at the moment. I'm kind of hoping it to be a continuation of the pray section - but with no effort. I will enter this stage when I love my body, I'm happy with my lifestyle and choices, when I have found a balance of home and work. I believe I will reach this stage when I no longer think about the food that's going in to my mouth or force myself to work-out or try to schedule time to spend with the family. It will all just come naturally. It will be who I am, not a focus on who I want to become. Will all of that happen over night? Of course not - that's why it's a journey.
I see those people who live healthy as naturally as I live un-healthy. I want to be one of those people. The people that wake up at 4am and do yoga because they want to - they need to. The people that make healthy food choices easily- no counting, weighing...when they know that what they pick up and eat is healthy because that's all they eat. The people that want to work out every day because it's their regular routine - and they get really cranky if they miss it...not find ways to escape from it. You get the picture.
I think things will start to fall together once I graduate in May. If I find a job quickly, then I will reach the "happy place" a lot faster. If I don't, then I will have to work on finding comfort in the fact that it's not the end of the world - and that I will make it. Either way - I will find my way to "love" when I'm truly happy with myself. Some people say that it might never happen - I disagree. I used to be that way - I used to be happy and carefree and not stressed....I just have to find my way back there again.
So - there's the plans, the resolutions if you will. I really don't like the word "resolution" because it often means a promise that is broken. I don't plan on breaking the promises to myself. I want to find myself again - I've been lost in my own mind for way too long and those closest to me have been the ones to feel the wrath. This isn't just for me - it's for them, too. They deserve the real me back - I plan on finding her again.
Till next time. ;)
"There's no defeat in straying off course a little - as long as you have a map to show you the way out...and you follow it."