So, I've almost deleted my last post about 50 times. I get ready to click the delete button...and then I take a second. I realize, if I delete it - I let my inner control freak win. I just can't do that. It's bugging me, though, big time. I don't like reading it - yet I can't stop. None of it explains what I really feel, what I really deal with...it's just bugging the crap out of me.
I got out of the house for a while - and the whole time, I was consumed with thinking about that post. I have never struggled so much with explaining how I feel - or what I mean. My writing has always helped me get through anything. I've never had problems finding words to express my emotions or my moods...but trying to explain my "control issue" was HARD.
When I got home, I made myself a cup of coffee - OK, Peanut made me a cup of coffee - and then I sat down in front of the post...to read it one more time (or three). As I was reading the words, and feeling the anger and frustration escalate, my inner voice finally decided to chime in.
Inner Me: The feelings you're having now are the feelings you found so hard to explain. Rather than dwelling on it, either delete it or take the opportunity to explain...again
Me: Yeah, but I tried to explain - and look where it got me. I'm angry, frustrated...over something so stupid as the words I used in a blog post
Inner Me: You will only remain angry if you keep allowing yourself to feel that way. You said you wanted to get better about this...why not start now?
Me: But how? How do I make myself feel better? Deleting it won't really help - because then that will bug me...because I let it win.
Inner Me: Then click on the button that says "New Post" and freakin' start over!
Me: OK, but what if I don't like what I say in that post?
Inner Me: Then you continue to let it bug you - and face the fact that you are weak...and you're going to let your control take over....if you truly want to be in control - find a better way to do it!
Me: OK, geez... I'll try it
Inner Me: Thank goodness...and then will you please do me a favor and GET OVER IT ALREADY!!
So, maybe this post will better explain what I feel. Something as simple as not finding the right words for a blog post is a major catastrophe for me. Maybe you all understand, maybe you don't. What I have to realize is the fact that I'm the only one that has to deal with this.
It's not really about trying to show others what I deal with - it's about realizing how bad it is to me. I'm the only person that can fix it.
That is what today is supposed to be about....finding my flaws, embracing them, and then working on fixing them. I have a huge victory by not allowing myself to delete my last post. Yes, it bothers me...but I just have to suck it up. Knowing that I can just suck it up, not obsess over it, and move on...that's what these posts are supposed to be about.
So, that's it. I'm not reading that post anymore. I did the best I could - and that's all that matters.
Just because that post doesn't say what I want it to, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. Just because I feel like it needs to be redone, or changed, or deleted completely just shows the perfectionist and control freak trying to take over....and I WON'T LET IT.
I am strong. I am powerful. Sometimes that's a blessing, sometimes a curse. At the end of the day, I just have to learn how to balance....breath....relax....and all is good in my world.
Till next time. ;)