So, I've almost deleted my last post about 50 times. I get ready to click the delete button...and then I take a second. I realize, if I delete it - I let my inner control freak win. I just can't do that. It's bugging me, though, big time. I don't like reading it - yet I can't stop. None of it explains what I really feel, what I really deal with...it's just bugging the crap out of me.
I got out of the house for a while - and the whole time, I was consumed with thinking about that post. I have never struggled so much with explaining how I feel - or what I mean. My writing has always helped me get through anything. I've never had problems finding words to express my emotions or my moods...but trying to explain my "control issue" was HARD.
When I got home, I made myself a cup of coffee - OK, Peanut made me a cup of coffee - and then I sat down in front of the post...to read it one more time (or three). As I was reading the words, and feeling the anger and frustration escalate, my inner voice finally decided to chime in.
Inner Me: The feelings you're having now are the feelings you found so hard to explain. Rather than dwelling on it, either delete it or take the opportunity to explain...again
Me: Yeah, but I tried to explain - and look where it got me. I'm angry, frustrated...over something so stupid as the words I used in a blog post
Inner Me: You will only remain angry if you keep allowing yourself to feel that way. You said you wanted to get better about this...why not start now?
Me: But how? How do I make myself feel better? Deleting it won't really help - because then that will bug me...because I let it win.
Inner Me: Then click on the button that says "New Post" and freakin' start over!
Me: OK, but what if I don't like what I say in that post?
Inner Me: Then you continue to let it bug you - and face the fact that you are weak...and you're going to let your control take over....if you truly want to be in control - find a better way to do it!
Me: OK, geez... I'll try it
Inner Me: Thank goodness...and then will you please do me a favor and GET OVER IT ALREADY!!
So, maybe this post will better explain what I feel. Something as simple as not finding the right words for a blog post is a major catastrophe for me. Maybe you all understand, maybe you don't. What I have to realize is the fact that I'm the only one that has to deal with this.
It's not really about trying to show others what I deal with - it's about realizing how bad it is to me. I'm the only person that can fix it.
That is what today is supposed to be about....finding my flaws, embracing them, and then working on fixing them. I have a huge victory by not allowing myself to delete my last post. Yes, it bothers me...but I just have to suck it up. Knowing that I can just suck it up, not obsess over it, and move on...that's what these posts are supposed to be about.
So, that's it. I'm not reading that post anymore. I did the best I could - and that's all that matters.
Just because that post doesn't say what I want it to, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. Just because I feel like it needs to be redone, or changed, or deleted completely just shows the perfectionist and control freak trying to take over....and I WON'T LET IT.
I am strong. I am powerful. Sometimes that's a blessing, sometimes a curse. At the end of the day, I just have to learn how to balance....breath....relax....and all is good in my world.
Till next time. ;)
Hey I've just recently began reading your blog. Your past couple of post resonated. I appreciate your heartfelt honesty and sharing with yourself and ultimately anyone who's listening.
ReplyDeleteControl control control that's a pesky one. I'm guessing I'm a bit older than you. Here's what I know is true about control (and what I tell myself when I am ensnared in its hold) Control is an illusion. You think because you are in control that you are in control? Not. Nope not one little bit. Its an illusion and doesn't exist. In fact its when you let go of ALL control that you are in control. I like the words of the serenity prayer... accept the things that I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference... When I mark down in two columns all the things I can/can't control I see in black and white that the list of things I can't control is way longer than the list of things in my control. It's freeing in a way. When I realize that I can control VERY LITTLE and I let go and realize that "for me" God's in charge and I'm not and "he's" got my back no matter what. I can then relax and enjoy life. We can't control the past, we can't control the future, we can't control the weather, we can't control other people/places/or things. That covers a lot of items. We can control our minds, our reactions, our emotions, our thoughts, our day, what's right in front of us. We can control ourselves and that's it. When I begin to focus on that, control becomes a non-issue. Whew... blablabla. ~best. Keep up the good work on your health goals.
I know what you mean. I used to have the same thing where I'd focus so much on the words, instead of the feelings underneath, that I'd lose all proportion. I would go back and edit and chop and change until it drove me so mad I'd end up deleting it out of frustration. I don't know if it's so much control as the need to physically represent what you are feeling. And when you don't feel you can do even that, it stays on your heart. You can't channel it. You can't do anything with it. Where does it go? There is literally nowhere.
ReplyDeleteWhen you translate your mind into words, it's so close. Almost too close. So close that you grow a kind of attachment to them. They become an extension in a way. It becomes increasingly important to find the right ones. That's why sometimes you have to talk yourself round. Remind yourself that even if you don't write, you'll still be thinking it, so you may as well.
I find it hard even now, at times, to just let it be. Let go. It is what it is, and no dressing it up is going to alter that.
Thank you, both, for the very kind words. These are some very powerful comments. You are both so right. You have given me a different perspective to look at things.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of letting go of all control to have all control. That's something I'm working on in my meditations.
It's also very true that my blog does sometimes become an extension of myself. I use this blog as a theraputic tool to help me spill up all of the emotions inside me.
Thank you, both, again. Your words really have touched me. :)