After last week's fiasco at a sincere, heart-felt post about the struggles I deal with in regards to my control issue, I decided to spend a lot of time this week thinking about it.
It wasn't negative thinking. I didn't continue to curse myself at how bad the post sounded - it wasn't really about the post - it was more focused on what I was trying to say.
I pondered on my struggle and my situation so much - that I even got to the point where I started doubting that I really DID have a problem with control. I think I've come to the realization that I struggle with wanting to be in control - but not dedicating myself enough to it....that make sense? Well then let me explain.
I like to be in control. I like to call the shots. I like to decide what I do, when I do it, and how it's done. I like having a plan, a schedule. I like making lists. I like writing things down - seeing it in black and white - and often, I will write the same things down in several places...just so I'm never without them.
OK, so I like doing all that stuff. Then I realized... why do I struggle so much with following my schedules? If I like making them so much, why don't they hold more weight in making me following them? Why do I not get out of bed at 4am to do Yoga? Why do I not drink more water? Why do I decide that it's OK to not do Zumba - and that I'd much rather sit on the couch and watch TV? Why do I eat a school cafeteria lunch even though I brought lunch to school with me? Why do I want so much control over my success, but so easily dismiss the main ingredients that will get me there?
All of these thoughts left some doubt and uncertainty in my mind. Maybe I don't want to lose weight as much as I think I do. No, that's not right. I definitely want to lose the weight. Maybe it's more that I don't want to commit to the work that's involved? Maybe I feel like the things that I'm blowing off aren't important?
So, all these thoughts are flying around my head all week. I start to doubt myself. I start to feel like I'm not committed enough. I start to worry!!
Then, Friday afternoon, I walked out of work to beautiful weather. I pushed all of my doubt, my worry, my uncertainty down...and pulled off the best run I've had to date. Yesterday morning, I woke up and after a couple of cups of coffee - I filled my water cup and I drank, and I drank, and I drank. Then I decided the weather was too beautiful to sit indoors - it was time to head to the track on an UNSCHEDULED day for a run. I ran...and then I decided to walk...just walk. Clear my mind, think about what was going on with me, my work-out meditation, if you will.
The walk made such a difference. I told myself I wouldn't stop walking until I had some answers, until I figured out what was bothering me so much, why I was having such a hard time keeping to the commitments that I set for myself. I walked for a mile with nothing more than an inner fight...something wasn't making sense...something was causing me to doubt and worry. Then, out of nowhere, like a ray of sunshine had beamed in to my head to burn the imprint into my head....I had my answer: I'm scared.
I'm scared that for the first time in ten years I WILL be able to pull it off. I'm scared that with my lifestyle change, my life will change. I'm scared that I will work my butt off but not see the results I want.
In my mind, if I self sabotage - just a little - I don't have to be scared.
Then I got angry. Really angry. Hell fire and fury angry. I was self-sabotaging...and it wasn't until that very moment that I realized it...or at least could admit to it. What the hell was I thinking??? Why go through everything that I've been through to not see myself accomplish my goals, my dreams, my aspirations?
As fast as the anger came...it left. In it's place? Determination. Will power. CONTROL.
Oh, yeah...the control wasn't the issue - the lack of it was. I was pretending to be in control. I was dreaming I was in control. I was trying to be in control of things I could never have control over.... NOT. ANY. MORE!
There's a new meteorologist in town now...and she's predicting a 100% chance of success! The storm that approaches is a fierce one...with a high chance of blood, sweat, and tears. The thunder will be intense. There will be no changes to the forecast. Keep an eye on this storm...there's a strong chance that motivation and dedication will be flooding from future posts. Stay posted!
Today, I'm not going to ask any questions... I would love it, though, if you could share a short inspirational story of how you overcame a struggle.
Till next time. ;)