Keep Throwing it At Me...

OK, I want a 2011 do-over.  I want to rewind back to New Year's Eve, do the whole night over, and get dealt a new hand on how to start this year.  No kidding, I don't know how much more I can take!!  It's only the 4th of January, and already I'm at my limit for how much can go wrong. (Words I told myself yesterday afternoon).

Obviously, I have more bad news.  Yesterday, I got the crud that my kiddos had on Sunday.  I went to work yesterday morning, and by noon I was so sick I could barely see straight.  I was sent home, of course, where I passed out on the couch for three hours.  When I woke up, I looked like someone had beaten me in my sleep! My nose was all red, my eyes were swollen, and my head felt like it had taken a couple of blows from a sledgehammer - and I thought a nap would make me feel better..yeah, right!  All evening I sneezed and coughed and ached. 

Around 7, I decided to go and soak in a hot tub.  I hoped that the steam would help make me feel a little better - and I had no idea what it would end up doing.  I got in the tub and sat there for a few minutes, feeling sorry for myself and cursing the fact that I was somehow being stopped, punished, blocked from starting the year the way I had wanted.  For three days, I had made myself a promise that I was going to run "no matter what", and then BAM I was tested.  It was like some higher power was saying "really, you're going to run no matter what?  Let's see if you still go for a run with sick kids, and then getting sick yourself".  Then I started thinking - is this some kind of sign?  Is there something I'm trying to be told, something I'm missing - is it my psychological self trying to come up with excuses and reasons not to start the year off the way I wanted?

With all these thoughts running around my head, I decided to try something.  I've mentioned a few times that I wanted to start meditating, again.  I used to do it - I loved doing it - I was pretty good at it.  So, I lit a couple of candles, put on some soft music, and sat in the tub and began to calm my mind.  I should mention here that the bathtub is a great place for me to meditate.  I am an Aquarius, and even though I don't believe that horoscopes tell the future, I do believe that our signs help us connect to our earthly elements.  My element is water.  Whenever I'm in, around, or near water, I am able to calm myself.  Water makes me feel better, gives me energy, and is great when I'm trying to meditate.  Anywho, I digress...

So, I'm sitting in the hot tub.  I have two candles burning, and soft music playing.  I close my eyes and try to clear my mind.  As I take each deep breath in, I visualize myself blowing out the negativity that has been building up with each exhale - and you know what?  I actually start to feel better.  Cleansing breath in, negative breath out.  I sat there for several moments doing that, with a completely clear mind.  I then started letting my mind wander.  It was in that time, that I was hit with my revelation.  In the past three months, since being on hiatus from my healthy living, I have been sick twice - that's more than I've been sick in the past three years.  Why, all of a sudden, am I getting sick so easily?  Why is my usually resilient body letting in the germs that I've worked so hard to prepare my body to fight?  Then the answer was in front of me - what I had been looking for. 

For the past three months, I have done terrible things to my body.  I have eaten junk food, pretty non stop.  I haven't worked out.  I haven't taken any consideration for the chemicals and sugars and processed garbage that has now made it's way through my body - and now my body wants to make sure I'm serious at mending all the damage..that I'm really serious about turning it all around...that this isn't just another fly by night attempt to lose some weight, but to really get back to being a healthy person with a healthy body.  My own body is testing my resilience, testing my determination, and making sure that I know how it feels when I don't take care of myself.  This is my body testing that I'm not just in this for the physical appearance I will be flaunting once I go from fat to fantabulous -but that I also realize my body will be transforming from garbage disposal to a health temple. 

Now, I sit here, after spilling this long-winded explanation of how I feel with no more promises - except one: I will do this. Yeah, I didn't start my running like I had intended.  My year didn't start off the way I had planned.  That was my problem.  I was so focused on that one thing: getting out for a run.  Sometimes, plans get broken, obstacles get in the way - it's how I choose to overcome the obstacles that is the moral in all of this.  I could easily sit here and say that the road blocks that have been put up the past couple of days are signs that I'm not destined to fulfill my plans of losing weight and getting healthy - but no, that's not what the signs are telling me, at all.  My body is just preparing me, showing me what happens if I don't keep my word.... the sign has been received, loud and clear.

Today, I'm going to focus on feeling better.  I'm going to rest, I'm going to drink lots of water and herbal tea, I'm going to get well.  Then, and only then, I will do what I need to do:  Repair the damage.

Till next time.  ;)